What’s the deal, Dan?

So, yeah, I look back at the last couple of years and it annoys me a little when I see my conscious, and unconscious minds work against one another. I’ve distanced myself from people I’ve liked, cared for and wanted to get close to, and then other times I’ve clung to the people that show me little to no interest? It’s ridiculous.

So, I’ve started to think that after being in a position where it has just been my daughter and me for the last 4 years, other than very short forms of dating, or relationships, I’m a little scared of intimacy. I mean, my understanding of intimacy or experience of intimacy is a little twisted due to being in an abusive relationship for about two years. When someone throws a bucket load of mental abuse your way, or physical abuse and can still tell you they love you every day/night it does shape the way you see things like that.

But, what I’ve found is that I think I’m my own enemy in this, so when I do meet someone who’s sassy, or full of banter, and enjoys throwing a meaningless insult around now and then, it somehow affects me, even when I’m consciously sure it wouldn’t. That’s pretty sad though, isn’t it?

So, I’ve tried mindlessly dating and figured out it’s not for me, meeting people with a half-assed attitude towards something that might or might not be, and it takes one or two of the wrong sentences (not spelling, but rather opinion) to put me off a person entirely.

The sad thing is that I’ve met some really nice people over the last few months, but sometimes I feel like I keep meeting people at the wrong time. Or, simply, it’s just the universe’s way of telling me to walk away. Sometimes, I think life would be a lot easier if I just stopped trying to control my life and let be what it is. But, then, my friend wouldn’t be able to call me a fool then, would she?

Image result for tarot card fool

Also, I can’t buy myself a tarot card deck, it has to be gifted, so if anyone’s interested in helping me with that feel free. Ha.

So, after all this time, and I could meet some incredible people, and I have met an incredible person, sometimes, the things I worry about take time to reveal themselves, and those things are worries that aren’t even at this time yet. Situations like, I’ve decided that I want to move abroad for quite some time, and the people I do seem to really get along with or get close to all seem to want to stay where they are, end of story.

I wouldn’t mind staying here, it wouldn’t be my first choice so that person would have to be pretty damn special for that to happen.

The other thing that I find difficult is the idea of getting close to someone again, and I’m really not sure whether I purposely go out of my way to find someone who has the ability to both build me up and shatter me in a few simple words, or whether love is a perpetually walking blind man. That, or I could secretly be a masochist.

This is isn’t a rant, for once, and actually, my life has been going okay, I should be working on improving my mental capabilities much more than I have been, but on the bright side, I’ve lost 13KG so far, and I’m starting to feel better about myself, yesterday was the first time I led on beach with my shirt off in my adult life. Can you believe it? I didn’t feel like I people were laughing at me or anything, which is a massive thing for me because I’ve always felt like I was too fat to do certain things, especially when it came to my body.

In fact, I did a 60 minute run for the first time and it felt great. I felt like I accomplished something really important, and in all honestly, I’m proud of myself for doing it, and now I’m doing them three times a week.

But, enough about the rest, right now, this is about relationships and love.

I’d love for someone to prove me wrong and allow me to understand the positivity and welcoming emotions that love is supposed to bring, and I hope that one day I get to a point where I do feel that way, but at the moment, I feel like I’m asking for something that may not quite exist for me. Simply put, I don’t want to walk on eggshells around someone, and I’ve got into so many arguments over people not understanding whether I’m joking, or being serious, but rather than just asking, things get so heated.

 

Actually, I get a huge blast of anxiety when someone assumes things about me because it’s one of my biggest issues. I seem to come across as serious, and overwhelmingly ambitious, and complicated, and all that jazz, but in reality, I’m probably as simple as a puppy, I just want a little bit of attention and a little bit of love. I know, I referred to myself as a puppy, I’m aware.

Complicated situations, arguments, passive aggressiveness, and aggression are just huge no-no’s when you realise that you can live your life asking “Why me?” or you can live your life asking, “Why not me?” and I want to be part of the latter. I want to live my life asking the question why not me, why can’t I do these things, because I can, and will, not I can’t and give the excuses that I’m not good enough, or better yet, give no excuse at all.

I just want to add that I don’t look for someone who resembles the latter, I look for something so much weirder than that, that spark you find in someone’s eye, and in the conversations that you have. That connection to someone trumps over looks/behaviour any day and I think, though I’m very emotionally aware, I’m also very aware that some people aren’t as emotionally developed, and never thought to ask questions about why they feel a certain way about something, and I think everything is a learning experience.

I just want to fill my life with more of them.

“You can’t beat death, but you can beat death in life”

– Charles Bukowski

 

P.S I could be feeling all of this, or I could be exhausted, tired, and hangry. I’m not quite sure.

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Making a commitment to yourself

I think determination is one of the hardest things for me to come by, and I know that sounds crazy with all the posts I throw on here with the intention of doing things greatly, perfectly, and right, but determination and focus are two things that are impossibly difficult for me to maintain.

I thought about something today, and I spent some time with someone who was so focused on other people, dedicating her life with the idea of yearning for other peoples’ affections; not just one, or the idea to start a family, or to settle, but to earn the friendship of two dozen people. I think, today I have learned something about myself, that my convictions are at least, stronger than my doubt, and when I was told it wouldn’t make a difference, I think it did, even if she wouldn’t admit it.

And though I wasn’t allowed to lecture her, I think, I hope, that having someone to look you in the eyes and tell you that they are there for you, might be a start for someone. It may not be enough, and it may not be the end goal, but it might be a start.

The thing is, and I’ve thought long and hard about this. I don’t think that seeking the approval of other people is what is important in life. I think that the only person you need to seek approval from is yourself, and when you can’t satisfy yourself, you seek other people to fill that gap. I know that inner voice is harsh, and burning with an accusing tone, but you are the only person in the world who can change that.

My biggest critic is myself, and I let myself continuously fall into a controlling, demeaning tone which is belittling by nature, an accusing tone telling me over and over that I’m not good enough for the things I want to do, the person I want to be, the places I want to get to, and that needs to change.

I think, so, by no means is this the right way, but I think that the most important person to seek approval from is definitely yourself.

If you can change that accusing tone, you’re already on the right track. Rather than seeking extrinsic motivation to live your live look inwards and ask yourself the questions “Who are you?” and “What do you want?” “How will you get it?” and “What’s stopping you?”

I think we should all have goals that are related to us, and ourselves alone, ones that don’t rely on other people. Goals that are personal to you, be it travelling, or reading all the books you’ve ever wanted… if you’re not trying to get out of your shitty situation, then you’re choosing to stay in that position.

I think it’s time I commit myself to myself so I don’t contradict myself for a final time this summer. I need to remember that the focus should be on me, and not be wavered for the first person that comes my way.

Stop being a victim, and go get what you want from life, and remember to enjoy it, for you, and no one else!

That summer feeling

It’s that time of the year, between the hayfever, and allergic responses where I actually want to leave my house and soak in the sun. I want to, for the first time in a few years now, and though I used to avoid it like the plague when I was younger, I love the feeling now. Now, now, now, I’ve got a few plans for summer, and I’ve got a few things to say.

Firstly, I want to lose thirty KG, and those of you who’ve kept up with my blog will know that I originally said 40, yes, I’ve lost 10, and I want to keep going. In all honestly, I feel a bit better, aside from the unrelenting tiredness that comes with hay fever, but I’ll live with that. I’ll admit though when I seem to meet new people I end up slacking and that’s what I did last week, avoided judo because I was with someone, when really, I should’ve just taken her. Ha-ha.

Next, I want to get through a hundred pages of my novel. Sure, maybe it’ll only be the first draft but I want to start working on something that’s personal to me. I’m fed up of giving myself excuses and such, but hopefully… no more!

On the next part of my list, I’ve got to challenge myself to write my dissertation over summer, which I’ve got no clue on the content as of yet, but I wish to write something using the minimalistic style, which those of you who follow me should know that I’m terrible at and that I like to flare things up in my writing– I mean, why not? Ha.

I need to read the books for next year– no question about it. I’m still on ‘A Sicilian Romance’, which seems to be quite fun to read so far, but I should get on with it.

Lastly, I want to meet someone I can share not just my life with but our life with, and you might be reading this rolling your eyes, and tutting under your breath but I can’t pretend to not want that closeness etc. In fact, I met someone I shared five days straight with, which was quite rare for me, considering usually, after a first date I want to run. People scare me, okay? Haha.

I guess I got along with this person, which was a nice surprise. In fact, I’m seeing her tomorrow as well, though drama does like to follow her, I am looking forward to getting to know her more.

Speaking of other things than romance, I’ve started my internship and seeing how that goes.

So all in all, I’m looking forward to this summer, and can’t wait until I can get up and take my daughter to the beach when it gets warmer. Hopefully, we’ll have some company with us.

I hope everyone enjoys their summer and has a great time!

Don’t forget to smile because it might brighten someone else’s whole world up!

 

Water, oh noes, lemme smash, and TEST TEST

I’ve had one brilliant day today; a really good one. Flippin’ heck, as my teacher would say. Lots of things on the list of this evening’s post.

Firstly, I know we all play hot and cold due to having our very dynamic and varying moods, but it’s been a real pleasure getting to know someone new lately, in fact, I’d say it’s the most I’ve talked to someone in a few years, and if any of you know anything about me, that means more to me than looks, intellect of the ability to provide satisfaction, (tell me you didn’t say satisfaction in your head like in the song?).

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Moving on from that and onto my canoeing adventure today! I went out with my best buddy Conor to have a fairly fun experience canoeing down the River Wye. So, we didn’t stop off at the pub, and it was Conor’s first experience canoeing! Ha-ha, something to remember, and amongst certain conversations and a long conversation with him about someone he met, and teasing him with the meme ‘lemme smash’ which will be shown at the bottom of the post. (you’re welcome). We spent a few hours rowing down the river, and we spent a few hours, including breakfast getting there this morning.

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One of my friends, Liz, took us there, and we had a chat with her and her mum. It was a nice catch-up and I remembered why I missed seeing them so much, she used to be my neighbour and we used to see each other every day, and now, I hadn’t seen her in about a year, maybe two. That will definitely have to change!

So, after finishing the course and heading home, we missed the bus and had time so we had a lovely meal at ‘The Punch House’ in Monmouth where we ate a taverner’s chicken meal, which was what we would call Huntsman chicken, ha, can’t fool me.

Image result for the punch house

After wasting some time, we went home. I’ll be honest, the bartender scared me a little. Either she was in a mad rush, and the boss of all things in that place, or she just simply didn’t like us. Maybe she knew we weren’t from there. Who the heck knows.

After leaving Monmouth at about 4:30, we fell asleep on the bus, waking up now and then, in Usk and then Caerleon before getting back to Newport. Jeez, such a long trip. We headed to the train station and heard of a fatality halting some of the trains.

When it comes to death I feel callous and cold, and I had the opinion that people die every day, why feel sad over another one? And, I think if there was ever a Sims 3 friendship sign above our heads, it would’ve been a negative one above Conor’s. He was quite conflicted about how to feel about it. I suppose that’s the difference when you hear about several deaths on the tracks, compared to the first time. I may be a little heartless but I appreciate the tender look at life in cases like that.

After a good day out we went our separate ways, and I almost missed my stop by falling asleep, again. I got off and headed home. I realised how burnt I was, and have red marks down my wrists, face and kneecaps. I do have a tan line on my left wrist from my watch, which amused me for a little while. I know, it’s the little things, right?

I sat down for a bit, talked to a few people, casually said goodbye to two people that had been communicating with me for a while but with empty words, as if they felt they had to but weren’t interested in getting anywhere with me. I didn’t feel much about that, I guess I’m getting used to saying it now– who knows whether that’s a good thing or not.

 

In other news, I unboxed my delivery and opened my grey pair of trousers, white shirt, and waistcoat waiting for me. I’ve got to look professional when going to teach on Monday, haven’t I? Ha-ha.

Finally,

I’ve been testing out a different style of writing, one in which I don’t fluff around with the words and get straight to the point until it comes to an area of immense drama, to create a more intense atmosphere when needed.

My teacher gave my some good advice and she said, “you can’t start off with a nuclear explosion and then go back to normal.” It made a lot of sense to me.

Here’s a sample of what I’ve written, what do you think?

 

                He made her a promise; that he did, a contract so to speak, though it was more of a death wish with that woman. Thomas was a fool who promised the world a new skin. Everyone, including he knew it was impossible but still he pledged his services at an early age to a lady who caught his eye. Probably the gold of a fool that kept his eyes shining. A fool’s gold usually gets him killed, and this one will, probably.

Twelve years old, a year earlier than the rest, Thomas, a boy of pale skin, fine brown hair, and piercing green eyes knelt before a girl not a day older. She was a little different, like the consort to the most impeccable innocence. Far-stretching, but true just the same. She had raven-black hair and sapphires for eyes. She granted him a dance, and a fine one at that. They never touched, not once, but when shuffling around one another like a pair of mating birds they were connecting, something more serious, and only a touch more dangerous.

A promise is a promise and that’s just what he did, and when he leant in, their faces almost touched, but he was close enough to use that silver-tongue for something, “Open your window after the dance and come with me for a walk please?”

The young lady smiled, Freya was her name, and she liked his arrogance, and admired his courage. That was dangerous, too; more so. The men in the room chuckled, and drank themselves to sleep telling each other stories of how big and bad they were during the last war. Trinson told stories about how he stood as the big scary wolf with lightning-fast reflexes. Nilvar told stories about how he charged through a hundred men like a mighty boar with his hammer. There were seven others, whose names were not important, not to Thomas, at least, and that’s the one who stayed awake. He was watchful of Alaric’s ire, a boy a few years older who had an eye for the same girl as he, yet could not pluck the courage out of the air around him like Thomas could. Thomas had plenty of that, and if he could have only plenty of one thing it would certainly be courage. He was a fool after all.

Everyone retired to their chambers, filling the rooms of a usually empty castle, and instead of having cold stone walls like it typically felt like, it felt warm. The corridors were littered with standing torches and Thomas had to be careful. He opened the door to his chamber, cracking it open an inch before freezing. His father, Trinson turned, burping and farting his way back to sleep.

So, that’s that. I’m tired, and about to head to bed. If I’ve forgotten anything…. ah yes…

lemme smash:

It could be argued my friend is very much in this situation. heh.

A bitter taste

“But somewhere along the line you changed. You Stopped being you. you let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you’re no good. And when things got hard you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. you, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get it, and keep moving forward. how much you can take, and keep moving forward.” – Rocky Balboa

There are many things in life that you come across which you are completely unprepared for; be it having children, dealing with conflict, personal or political, depressions and anxieties, and social change, losing time, and many more things. Something that I don’t think anyone is prepared for is war.

War is something that is as old as we are, and some people argue that it is in human nature to war and to fight, to kill, and to take, because of we, as homo sapiens seem hellbent on the savagery of our most primal instinct. Arguably powerful men argue over the longstanding argument which has plagued kingdoms and nations for as far back as we have recorded history: We need war for peace.

I’ve always believed there needs to be a balance, which is why you hear of these great times, where civilisations rose and fell overnight from plagues and sicknesses like the natural balances are restoring. Is this argument, that primal instinctual drive collective, unconscious, something that naturally creates monsters so that we can face a time of hardship and self-destruct?

Spiritualists talk about the idea that each and every one of us has a monster inside of us, lurking and churning, waiting for us to make a mistake so it can seep in its claws.

The thing is, I don’t believe we are restricted to our past or our unwelcome behaviour. I think war is for the weak, and killing, damaging, hurting, cursing, and destroying is for the weak. I don’t think it’s the case of our animal instincts luring us onto a path we can not return from.

I think we make a choice, and we need to ask ourselves whether we can do better.

Pain, in my belief, breeds beauty, and beauty is what I’ve seen over the last few years. When a bomb goes off,  like the one in Manchester did and you have hundreds of people helping, volunteering and acting out of love for their neighbour. People of all religions and of none, because religions do not define you. Such things where people automatically feel inclined to help and actually do help are such amazing people and they are people to look up to, without a doubt in my mind.

The people who are not people to look up to are people who stood, stumble and fall into darkness, into copying acts of human history with bigger toys because they’re too scared to try better ways. Now, I won’t pretend like our governments are perfect, neither here, nor there, nor anywhere but I’ll tell you this, whether it is us bombing them, or them bombing us it is wrong. That’s what I know.

You might think it’s cool or fine to bomb people because they’re foreign, or different, or don’t follow the same ethical code as you, but it isn’t. It’s the same for terrorists like the terrorist of Manchester, it is disgusting, and it is shameful.

Dozens and dozens of bomb threats have been raised since Manchester, and people have retaliated against their neighbours, sure, you might suspect your neighbour of being a terrorist, but there is nothing worse than revenge against people for sharing the same colour as a terrorist, or having a similar beard, or have been known to read the same book.

These people are sick with the delusion that what they are doing is right, and there will always be people who understand right from wrong but some people lose their fight to their monsters and become one. I’m not justifying actions or saying it is okay, but what I am saying is that we need to rise above this, and be better because what matters is now how we are hit, but what we do after we get hit. It should have never gotten to this point, but here we are because people are too scared to act even with the information they need to arrest and detain questionable people.

I feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to feel that way. Some people are treating this like a game of chess, and that people are pawns, well– they are not, have never been, and never will be…

Have a nice fucking day. Be better than that monster.

This has all left a bitter taste in my mouth that can no longer be ignored.

We can be Better

‘First things first
I’ma say all the words inside my head
I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh
The way that things have been'(Imagine Dragons – believer)

(Imagine Dragons – believer)

 

I am tired of the way things have been, so very tired. Let me just write a list:

  • Spending my time trying to talk to people who don’t want to bother with me.
  • Giving excuses for why I can’t do something
  • Not doing something well enough – the standard that I set for myself.
  • Second guessing myself
  • Getting anxiety over the most illogical things.
  • Avoiding the chance to write due to feeling not good enough.
  • Playing video games.
  • Letting other people shape what I want.
  • Being hesitant, and not explicitly saying the truth like I’ve always strived to because it hasn’t come up.
  • Causing trouble.

 

Let me just say, if you’re on that list, the list of the people who just really, explicitly, undoubtedly don’t give a shit, can’t be bothered to spend two seconds of the twelve hours you’re active online in a day to message back, or ever think of messaging me, count me out. Count me fucking out. I’ve been really hesitant about this and scared to act just in case I upset someone, or get told I’m being dramatic; you know what, if you read this and you know that type of person is you, and you have no damn excuse, just disappear. Run, because I’m done.

Secondly, I keep giving myself excuses for why I can’t do something, such as sports, writing new ideas, travelling, volunteering, and mindfulness. “It doesn’t matter how I feel” is how I usually see it, albeit lately, I’ve been thinking about myself a little more.

Getting lower than expected grades due to the simple reality of me being moody that week, or not feeling up to it, or not caring enough due to feeling anxiety, self-pity parties or something else; it isn’t good enough. It’s not good enough at all and I’m really going to smack myself hard if I don’t sort it out soon.

I keep second guessing myself, striving to do something but then feeling I’m incapable because of how someone else has made me feel, or simply because I don’t think I’m good enough. It needs to stop, and I need to grow a pair, Jesus.

I’ve been getting anxiety over the smallest of things; opening a letter just in case it’s another screw-up, financial problem, or some other issue that’s going to play on my mind because life takes far too long to sort out when it comes to anything remotely helpful.

I’ve started a dozen or so blog posts over the past few weeks, if not months, and discarded them, or looked at the page with the idea of not wanting to do something because of how it may or may not come across, or a dozen or so reasons, when my writing is for me– sorry to say– it’s not for an audience, most of the time.

Video games is a joyful thing but it makes me discard too much of my day-to-day life and I want to get out of the push to play games in order to escape my problems, difficulties or barriers due to the fact that if I spent as much time doing other things than playing games I would’ve been able to master three things over by now. 10,000 hours in three other things? Definitely, should’ve spent my time on something different than gaming. Fuck sake should’ve listened to my parents. (Don’t quote me on that, guys.)

I have a habit of living my life for other people, and that doesn’t mean I’m a selfless person who loves all manners of life, but rather, I allow people to root themselves to the direction I’m going in life, and I contemplate changing course in order to satisfy someone else when they don’t actually show commitment, or the idea that people would do the same for me is just simply too far-fetched, illogical, and I know this, but I just get naive– I suppose that’s the fool talking.

I’ve had a million and one events where I have what if’s, what what’s, and how I can go around telling someone I’m not interested, or that I’m not after the same thing they are, or how we get our wires crossed when it should be so simple! Fuck me, it should be simple. So, fuck trying to get to know people or trying too hard. I think it’s me time.

On a plus side:

  • I’ve started jogging.
  • I’ve started learning Judo.
  • I’m taking my diet seriously, except the odd event or two.
  • I haven’t spent a pretty penny on games this time.
  • I wrote 5 pages tonight.
  • I decided tonight to stop trying so hard.

 

‘A sound soul dwells within a sound mind, & a sound body.’ (Soul Eater)

 

Talking about things other than me:

‘Mostly, I’m tired of people being ugly to each other’ (Green Mile)

Learning words like ‘ghosting’ which is something someone does when they can’t be bothered to tell someone the truth, so they block someone on everything…

Or, the political affairs of the world, choosing the worst kind of devil… I mean, come on people, wake the fuck up!

The last quote I’ll give is this:

‘Lesser, greater, middling, it’s all the same. Proportions are negotiated, boundaries blurred. I’m not a pious hermit, I haven’t done only good in my life. But if I’m to choose between one evil and another, then I prefer not to choose at all.’ (Andrzej Sapkowski, The Last Wish)

 

A Game of Hot and Cold

What kind of games do we like to play with each other?

One minute you could look me in the eye and tell me that you love me, and the next you could walk straight past me in the street. Is that love, a game, or the way we’re becoming nowadays? You know, you can spend the whole day scanning through social media without actually being social.

I know the feeling. I check facebook, reply to people with robotic responses because I’m not sure what to say, what to ask, what options to explore, and I’m afraid of making choices that seem too intense just in case things escalate and one becomes two.

It’s rarely conscious, though sometimes, it is. Maybe it’s that I don’t have enough time for someone, or that they’re not looking for me, but looking for someone to fill the void.

Maybe I’m looking to fill that void; is it possible that we are all searching for something to wake us up – to make us feel loved, understood, alive?

Just me then?

Maybe I’m just a sapiosexual, seeking out people who are intelligent or have that spark about them, which makes some others seem like rather dull flames. Or it could just simply be that my primal instinct is to look for someone who matches my DNA, who knows.

But I’m not sure what to really expect from someone who plays that game of hot and cold. When someone shows immense interest in you, and the next day they forget who you are. I don’t understand it. Though, I heard a friend say once that with men, they are fine until they speak and everything goes downhill from there. I had a giggle with this and found it quite amusing.

The thing is,

I’m not sure what direction to go in, whether to even bother anymore with the idea of finding someone. In fact, I think I’ve stopped and my brain is just catching up, waiting for someone I can bump into one day and fall.

On a side note, I’ve forgotten where I’m going with this, and as a divergence from the actual message, this blog post is supposed to have I’ve always wanted a double-headed coin so I can always toss it with the intention of giving something a go.

Maybe I should just think less.

 

On Our Own Heads

What are we without honour, without out own word?

Let’s talk about stress. An extension of those disruptive emotions; your anxieties, fears, hardships, problems, and fight. Let’s forget one moment that we pretend that we’re all okay. Let’s just shove that in our pockets and pretend, no, allow ourselves a moment to understand what stress does to us.

It gives us that crippling sensation, the damage in our lower back where we are tensed up. It gives us that dry feeling in the back our throats and makes us feel like we’re going to be sick, when in actual fact, being sick would be a godsend in moments like that. It applies pressure to our heads, around the temples, at the base of the neck, like a dark shadow looms around you plunging its long claws into your mind.

In reality, its effects can be quite disastrous. I mean, it can make you feel isolated. It can make the easiest thing feel hard, and it can make the smallest of problems feel like a long, treacherous obstacle.

We all feel it, and we are all affected by it. We all know it, and it is and isn’t always there. Sometimes we can push onwards, pretending like nothing bad matters, and that we shouldn’t talk about it, ask about it, or get upset when things aren’t the way we at least try to expect. But then it hits you like a wall filled with barbs, razor wire and seven other annoying, painful things that can be spiked to a fence. But you’re told that’s just life and that’s how it is.

So, even when you want to scream you get silenced, be it by yourself, or by those around you thinking they are helping, or even those who have the exact same feeling tormenting them but haven’t a second thought of how it could be the same for you.

Now, this isn’t some reach for sympathy, it’s a wake up for anyone who cares enough to listen. Being an empathetic person, a severely empathetic person to which point it can feel debilitating to have day to day interaction with people, on a personal, or of social construct, it’s so difficult to  want to talk to people and get to know them without all of the fears of how you’re going to get affected by their mood swings in themselves.

That being said, I’m no saint, I get moody, and swing from tit to tat, quite possibly on the line of a label or two, but insisting that I carry on and be fine, because it’s how I was brought up, and possibly the trickling sensation of my stubborn, yet audacious personality that assists me when I’m down and out.

I made the mistake of airing my laundry on here previously, about some miscommunication, which I’m sure I don’t need to say but I will admit my fault there, but that simply reinforces this stance of understanding that everyone gets pissed off. Everyone gets hurt, and everyone feels.

And it’s okay.

I have a habit of being 100% with someone, and when something goes wrong, I 0% any future conversation because it’s like my defence mechanism due to how much I expect, and then get disappointed. That’s a me thing and my own fault for expecting some form of anything from anyone.

The problem I have is expecting things like respect, or I have a bad habit of taking people at their word. You don’t need to promise me something to give me your word. It can be as simple as,

“I’ll meet you at 10 am on Sunday, see you then.” and naturally, I’ll automatically, and understandably believe that we shall see each other on Sunday, at 10 am. So is it wrong of me to feel a bit shit when I don’t get a reply and don’t get given an excuse, a simple two seconds of time to say “I’m not going to show up, sorry, see you next time.” I mean, is it so hard?

But at the same time, given what I said above, I think there can arguably be a stance on such things like whether anxieties get in the way, mental quirks that I’m sure we all have something or other of, but I’ll admit, I don’t think of that, until afterwards. So I’ve a habit of saying sorry first or just saying sorry.

In fact, I rarely get an apology back, but that again, is okay, because I’m trying to learn not to expect anything. It may seem like a sad way to be but it is the way I’m learning and simply put I don’t write this to ‘lay into anyone’ or hurt anyone’s feelings, but simply show an understanding to how I am, and what I think when things happen.

There are two things that will quickly get me not to like you.

The First is… Ignoring me.

Now I can argue this point with myself on how much leeway to give someone but the fact is, when someone doesn’t have five seconds in a day to say hello, or that they’re busy it does make you feel like shit.

The only time I forget to reply is when my phone goes off, my notifications don’t show up, or I’m talking to someone in person because I think it’s rude to go on my phone; but hey, hit me up again and I’m sure I’ll reply!

I certainly won’t wait weeks to reply and then get upset with you for trying.

The second is when someone makes you feel small for feeling crappy about something. If someone has spent the time to sit down, write out how they feel and try with you, it means they’re trying to save whatever friendship or otherwise you have, not ruin it with negativity, and if it is negative, it could simply be the way it has felt, not the way it has been. So think about that before ridiculing someone for feeling sad.

I mean, with the stress I’ve felt lately, I’ve taken a few things the wrong way, and I know that some of my friends have taken things the wrong way as well, but it usually takes just asking about the problem to solve it in seconds, instead of holding inside your head and letting it grind you down.

The point I’m getting at is that we all have shit on our backs, and bags that we carry, and I don’t want to be a garbage truck where I collect everyone else’s negativity and hold onto that, gifting it to the next sap that walks my path and has the unfortunate opportunity to bump into my grumpy, angry ass self.

Why should I be that person to you?

This is starting to seem so ranty, but it wasn’t my intention. I just don’t want to be the person to be stepped on anymore, and though I’m boisterous and sometimes louder than I seem, and make out I handle things better, sometimes I don’t, and sometimes I can’t so for anyone, including myself who feels it necessary to pour one’s garbage on another human being, we carry our own bags and don’t need other people putting us down… because if you’re like me at all, I do that enough on my own.

So, I’m sorry to all of those who have felt my moodiness. Thank you for understanding me, and looking past it, I will certainly try my best to do the same with you, but if I do push you away, don’t let me, please.

We can be our own worst enemies but we don’t have to be.

A Helping Hand – The USW Playcentre

From my earlier blog name ‘A Student Father’ many of you may know that I am a father at University. Shocker, right? Well, I’ve had my daughter for the last three and a half years on my own, and though my parents have helped me with the odd day or two off here and there, which I’ve been grateful for, I’ve mostly done it all on my own.

I know they are proud of me, and for the first time in my life, I’m proud of myself for getting to the place where I’m at now. It may seem like a small goal to some, or not, and though I may not be getting firsts, I’ve been working as hard as I can, even with all the shit that gets thrown my way from the usual day-to-day.

So, why is it that every single time you get over an obstacle, another pops up, and not even just the ones that are in front of you. They come from all directions, from the sides, from behind you– all around you.

If I put the past to rest for a moment, and think about my future, building up to a hopefully successful career, why is it that it has to be stunted by people who have already had their chance?

I’m talking about the cuts at the University.

I mean, it was hard enough grasping at the courage to get into university, and here I am facing a stone wall, rising tall in front of me with stifling pressure. It stopped me in my tracks for a while, and this is why I’m writing about it.

So, the University want to cut the nursery they have had on campus for over 20 years. In the same email/letter that the Vice Chancellor wrote ‘Perceptions matter’ contained the same reasons for closure, such as, ‘Brexit,’ and ‘inability to break even.’

The nursery is at the top of the University, hidden away. It’s like it is in a world of its own. As you can see here, it’s quite a small and unique place.

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Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve heard a dozen arguments and reasons why, but the sheer audacity of those same people giving excuses have astounded me.

The fact that I’ve been given reasons such as ‘the current model in the nursery is not working’, but there has been no thought, and certainly no strategy toward changing that model. When met with offers from staff such as ‘Drops in pay’, ‘apprenticeship schemes’, and ‘rises in childcare costs’ still, they met the answers with such hesitation it dribbled out of their gaze when questioned.

The conversation that was held Thursday, 6th of April, 2017. It spoke for itself when they tried to make out even though they made this decision with no plan, no idea of test and trial, no effort, that they were still trying to do their best to keep the nursery open was disreputable.

I suppose attitudes like that are one of the reasons why our university has dropped more than twenty ranks since these people have been in these decision-making positions.

It’s okay though, blame Brexit, right?

Wrong.

The passion this has brought out of me is new for me, but the fact that I’ve moved from my hometown to a place I’ve never been to, and though it’s only twenty miles away from where I used to live, it can feel very isolated. I’ve been here for a while now, and I was so worried when I arrived here, searching for childcare, hearing of the horrors of what childcare centres can be like nowadays.

I remember the first time I walked into the USW Playcentre, and immediately, as soon as I walked through the door, I felt safe. I knew that my daughter would be safe here. Just from an email the manager remembered my position, understood how hard it must have been to come up here, and made us feel comfortable. Every decoration on the wall was made by the children– I mean, it was amazing.

I mean, they give gardening lessons, music/dance lessons, and even Welsh lessons… when it came down to the fact that all their food is homemade as well, it was enough for me to sign the papers and get my daughter there. As well as all those things, the children even get to go on a little walk up to a woodland area:

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When I signed those papers, I never considered that I would be confronted with the idea of it closing. I suppose you never do when such a place has been there for as long as you’ve been alive, but the thought of it closing spread quickly. You could see the determined fire lighting in every parent, and every staff member’s eyes as we all suddenly amalgamated together as one unit to march down the road fighting for its survival.

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So, all in all, this nursery has been an absolute saviour for me and considering I don’t have a partner to lean on, and my parents are unable to have my daughter full time, it is a necessity for my study.

I think, and not just because my daughter attends the nursery, but it will crush so many students/staff members if that nursery closes because it is filled to the brim with smiling adults and children alike, and it genuinely is a community building that is timeless. Its value is ageless, and it certainly does bring everyone together.

So, as the vice chancellor said in her letter, ‘perceptions matter’ this perception should be clung onto because, without it, this university will undoubtedly be worse off.

But, don’t take my word for it: