A stranger to yourself

Sometimes, I wonder if you can ever really truly know yourself. When you think of yourself, you bring up past experiences that have made you, well-you. The problem is, that this shadow of yourself, this image, is an earlier version of you, the latest recording of your self evaluation. When you base it on your past you are not that same person. At the time time, you look towards the future, and bring in your goals, your work, and your plans, and combine that into the mix. Now you have a visage of future, and past. What does that mean though? Are you now now affixed in time, neither ahead, nor behind, a true image of yourself?

No, there are things changeable about you, about your soul, your mind, and your body. There are also things, unchangeable.

For example: The only ability of mine that I am proud of having, is to overcome obstacles. That will stay with me forever, and is an unchangeable, natural part of my mind, and soul.

This being said, there are both a unique amount of characteristics everyone has. We bring them into the work we do, and the things we create, and work through.

An obsessive amount of thinking, I have always thought to be a bad thing. It has never stopped me from obsessing though. I have come to an agreement with my brain that it is just how I am, and when a puzzle is presented towards me, I will think until it is put together.

The problem with this is that I do not take the time it normally takes a person to judge a character, observe a person, and my brain also, sometimes needs time to catch up. That being said, it always, always knows. When I initially look someone in the eyes, I get many feelings, but someone who would really impact my life, for better, or for worse. It’s almost like that pre-set connection is tapped into and my brain reacts, in bounds of torturous thinking. Time feels like it takes forever, and a thousand thoughts would shoot into my brain.

So much so, that the characters I’ve been writing about I have been meeting a month, two months, or six months to a year later. Different names, sometimes, but always with the same personality. It is as bizarre as a cow mounting a goat. (When  I wrote that I spoke in a Welsh accent, just saying) but it has taught me to listen to myself more than I do. Sometimes, I have to run through the loops, and come to the same conclusion my mind already pre-determined. It is almost as if I’m living ahead of time, and still letting it happen the same way. Then again, if I listened to my mind as much as I should, I’d be sitting alone in a room full of people. Sometimes, even though you know you’ll get hurt… you have let yourself get hurt.

I’ve come to the ideal that I should stop controlling myself as much as I do, and just let things be, what they are. A friend of mine used to drive me crazy when she used to say, “It is, what it is” and I grumble writing the words even, but she’s right. Sometimes, things are just the way they are. They don’t need to be read, judged, understood.

They just need to be.

From working on my body, I have come to the conclusion that the animation ‘Soul Eater’ had the quote, ‘A healthy body is a healthy mind, and a healthy mind is a healthy soul’ It’s more like a triangle you need to work on. If you neglect part of it, then the other parts will suffer and you will become unbalanced.

 

When I was young, I neglected my anger for a very long time, quite possibly ten or fifteen years of my life. In fact, as much as I am at an impasse with my child’s mother, she taught me to control my anger. In fact, I never hit back, and during my dark days, when I was always irritable, and seething, I meditated and come to a position where I went inwards during meditation, and faced myself. When I visualised my anger, and fought against it like a monster in my body, I tried everything to get rid of it. It was the fighting that helped me understand that it was not something I should be disgusted with, or scared of. It was a part of me, and the final time I confronted it, I didn’t fight back, and didn’t grow fearful of it.

I just walked past it, around it, through it. And just like that, it was gone. Since then, I have rarely had any form of anger. Sure, we all get irritated and upset, but I have not felt the need to lift a hand against anyone for about three and a half years now. I don’t hate anyone. I never talked about this when I was young. I had always assumed it was too weird to talk about. As, that’s all I’m ever called, ‘Weird’.

But, today, sitting here and typing away; I’m sat here with a smile on my face, with a circle of close friends around me. I don’t have loads of friends, nor do I have more than a handful, but I’d like to think that the people I believe in, also believe in me so when I am weak, they’ll help me, and when they are, I’ll help them. That’s more than I can ever ask of from anyone, and that’s all I need from anyone.

Other than that, over the last few weeks I have focused more on myself, and after my BBQ tomorrow, I will be focusing on me and my daughter for the rest of the summer.

My view on life is that I won’t find someone who is on the floor, and wants to stay there. I will find someone who has fallen. It doesn’t matter once, twice, a hundred, or a thousand times. I don’t care how many times someone has failed  as long as they get back up again.

That push, drive, and way of living, is enough for me to fall in love with someone. So for the person, people, or ghosts of my past, who wonder why I liked them, like them, or end up liking them, it’s the fact that you get up when you get pushed down. You wipe the tears from your face, and tie your hair back. You get up, you change your cry into a smile, and you keep walking forward. You might not think you do, and you might think you’re weak, but I see through that façade, that misconception. I see through the masks that you wear, because you’ve been through far too much emotional pain to let anyone close.

So, as for the person this relates to. This might be the best explanation you’re going to get from me:

“Believe in yourself, for when you don’t I will.”

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Simulacrum

Have you ever met someone who sometimes seems like a mirror image of you. You have to look deeper than what you see at face value. Our decisions, choices, and circumstances mould us, sculpt us, change us. There are deeper things behind out choices, that makes us who we are.

I mean, someone who is almost a counterpart, a doppelgänger. It is more like someone who has similar attributes to you, and even if in colour they are different to yours, what is behind them, can quite possibly match you more than you’d think.

I met someone in January whom I couldn’t get out of my head, and not because I found her attractive, or wanted to jump into bed with her, but because there was something about her I couldn’t put my finger on. Though we had a disagreement, we’ve been talking for the better part of the last 2-3 months. We’ve gotten quite close and there are still things I can’t put my finger on.

The things she says for one, just like me. It’s like having a moment of clarity, once a day, once every two, where your brain is hyper-focused and you need to say the things on your mind. And for once, instead of your brain being a mess, everything is clear and you write out what you need to say until it’s said and done.

It’s almost like a dance, where we stand around each other, and move around, testing each other without meaning to, analysing each other without needing to, and fumbling around each other like we are new to the whole thing. It’s interesting, and I think we’re in the exact same position with one another.

It really has been quite interesting, and quite mind boggling to think that facing each other, we might be both the same, and opposites of one another. At the same time of that, she seems to be one of the few people in the world that really want to get to know me. That, and she’s not afraid to actually talk to me properly, in a deep manner.

It’s just one of those surprises life throws at you I suppose.

Food for thought; I’m looking forward to seeing what happens.

A Curtain Closed

When I come to think about things, when have I ever been in a position where I’ve not had an interest in at least one person. I’m not talking about a flirt or two; I’m talking about a true, proper connection with someone. I often wonder that this barricades my being from connecting with anyone else, at the time. It is like a tunnel, a transition; it is like being stuck in a state of liminal being.

I had quite the ignition of the past this evening, where I talked to my friend a little too much, and we delved into one another’s mind’s like a scene out of The Matrix. Though this has been someone I had feelings for, and still care for her greatly, I could not help notice that the feeling of infatuation had been replaced with a feeling of instinctual care, worry, and general curiosity.

The thing is, that this person had been there for me over the past several months without asking for anything in return. She’s been a star. I don’t easily, but I sensed something with her that I could not help but open up to. Whether it be a warm smile, or a sense of complex motherly/protective instinct, I am sure it brought us close enough to connect on a level where we understand one another.

In fact, after talking to her about someone she is in love with(Madly, if I may add.) She has this tendency to protect her mind from anyone getting too far into her head that they might actually understand her. This evening however, I had a little more time. What I found was in fact she is quite the heart-felt person and has been stuck in a state of mind where she feels rather trapped, and I offered a solution. I told her not to sacrifice her heart, for the heart of another. This, meaning that if she harbours intense feelings for someone, she should go for it.

It actually reminded me of quite the predicament I was in long ago. Where I was in love with someone who I couldn’t reach as our paths were taking us into different directions, but we still got too close. Though, I know how painful it is to hold onto someone, even when they have moved on. We ended up as best friends, instead, but I don’t think it’d end the same way for her. I think she has a real shot at happiness and I really wouldn’t want her to waste that.

Tonight has struck a cord with me, and disassociated me from the real world for a moment, allowing the idea to sink in that I am actually far from any decent connection with someone who has a romantic interest. Tonight was a little eye-opening for me in the sense that though I don’t believe I need a partner, and no longer feel like I’m looking for something to fill that void in my heart I still sometimes miss the feeling of being so interested in someone, and that person in me, that we would talk for hours a day; even smiling and laughing with someone day in and day out is something I miss.

That being said, it doesn’t matter so much for me. After meeting several people over the last year and coming to the conclusion that aside from it being hard to commit to me, because of my daughter, it is also that I’m observant, and I seem to be on ‘another level’, whatever that means.

And, as much as it has boasted a severe disappointment, I have ascertained a level of understanding and acceptance, so much so that I thank the people who walked away when they felt these feelings, rather than pushing a relationship that wouldn’t work. More so, for me, that I am able to agree that it is better to walk away from something you know you don’t want, than forcing two pieces that do not fit together. For me, it means I’m closer to finding a piece of the puzzle that fits.

I was probably going somewhere with this, but I digress, and forget.

Over-all, I had an awesome night with an awesome friend; I believe that our friendship is stronger, and I got a glimpse of what she is really like, behind the mask everyone puts on. I can say, without a doubt that she is an important person in my life, and I am proud to be her friend.

So, if this relates to you, feel free to ask anything below in the comments, and I’ll be sure to reply.

Notice, breathe, listen, and remember that sometimes all it takes is for someone with a different point of view to look your way.

The toss of a coin

What if the definition of whether we succeed in something is up to a simple toss of a coin. Imagine it; your entire life, predicted by a repeated coin toss. What if you could witness the coin toss, or even see it before it happened. Would you expect a different outcome? Would you expect the answer to be different? Now, isn’t that the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different outcome.

For that reason, I don’t like imagining the future. I plan, sure, and I’m not completely clueless… but the one thing I’m always sure of is never setting anything in stone. If I step forward, it’s like quick-stepping through air. Though, it doesn’t matter for me, how much I plan something, or expect certain results, things are never straight forward. Not once, not one single time have I ever experienced something that is seemingly straight-forward. Would I even know what straight-forward means if I saw it? I doubt it.

For that, I’ll remain, like a bound, swinging pendulum, with the intent to smash the glass, but swinging in two directions for as long as I am able. Though, those two directions are never clear, whether it be staying here, or going somewhere, or choosing a path to follow. Who do you want to be? The thing I’ll always remember will be the dreams where I’m called a fool, or Tarot cards that tell me I’m a fool, or undecided. It’s not particularly a bad thing, is it? So, I don’t choose to be the mage, the warrior, the knight, the pillar, the sun, or moon, maybe I’m just happy still having a choice, whether I can be me, or whether I can reflect or react others’ and still allow myself to be myself. Overall, there’s always that pull between whether something shapes destiny, or gets shaped by destiny. I personally see it as a tug-of-war a push and pull, a take and give. Food for thought.

Onto the rest…

Now that my inherent ramblings of a madman are out of the way, for today… I’d like to announce that the gym is going well, and though I didn’t have the best start to my week, nor start it the way I planned I will be aiming to figure everything out for summer this weekend, I’ll plan my actions and see how well I can stick to a limit. It will be interesting, right?

total books read: 0

The before picture will be put up on the weekend… maybe.

The thing I’d like to say is that it has been awesome to spend some time with the friends that are doing these things with me, so thanks for those who’ve been jogging, and going to the gym with me. You’re awesome. The week commenced with a lengthy jog, two sessions at the gym in one day, and the next I had another hour jog, some sit-ups and press-ups, and then a two hour session at the gym. Sheesh.

I’ll screenshot my planner on the weekend, and show you how hectic it is. That’ll be interesting, eh? hilariously Amazon has been seeking me out as a tester for products… it’s been an interesting offer, though for some of the weirdest products. Lightweight backpacks, and travel bags… weird that I’ve not bought any. Ha-ha. Not that I’m complaining , I suppose.

Anyway, have a nice day everyone!

A whittled Rose

I’ve never understood the White Rose. It represents undying love; A love that lasts forever. Whether that just so happens to be in eros, philia, ludus, agape, pagma, or even philautia, it doesn’t matter.

I mean, a matter of fact I’ve always been a bit of a loner, a disconnected, dis-sensitized person who, quoting a close friend of mine, “For someone who sees the world in such a different way to everyone else, sees some things very much in black and white.” and she was/is right.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes, I think rules are necessary even though I have such an old view on life. Quite possibly, I have an outdated view on life. I am positive that I should have been born in a different era. That being said, I do leave an impression on people, and have left quite an impression on many over the years.

Now, I don’t forget faces, and eyes are what I remember the most. Also, I have a memory of places, so it takes a lot to get me lost. Anyway, back to faces.

With faces, I associate a specific gaze, with… it’s not the eye colour but the feeling I get from someone looking at me, and that sounds a little crazy but that’s how it is. In actual fact I’ve had a few good conversations with my friends, and have come to a position where I have had a few things to think about.

The White Rose, pulls me back to the first person I had a spiritual connection with, and even though that symbol, of a white rose, the meaning has stayed with me, it has relevance due to another friend saying, “You don’t let go of anything. Though you accept things, they are always there, but never letting you live.” And again, it’s sort of true, because the curse I have where I remember peoples’ faces is a pain in the butt, and my mind works like triggers, so from a face I trigger memories, and one triggers the other, etc. etc. Problem, right?

It doesn’t particularly act as a problem, or acts as something I struggle with. It is just, me. A friend this evening in fact, told me that memories are something we keep alive, or its up to us whether we forget, or keep them. And I can understand where she comes from, because I don’t find certain things important, thus I don’t remember them as such. What I do remember are faces and places. I don’t know why I see them as being the most important…. it’s just programmed into me.

It’s gotten to the point in my life where I am in a position where I value the people who have been there in my life, and see no reason not to be there for them when they need me, even if the matter of time has stood as a barricade between us, and pushed us far away. It doesn’t matter to me if you’ve not seen me in a month, or a year, or 5 or 10, if you help me, I’ll help you, and if you’ve done me a favour, been kind, or just listened, I will do the same for you.

I am not someone who likes to feel indebted to someone, but at the same time, I’m not afraid to ask for help.

This is important to differentiate the two because I find that pride can sometimes get in the way of the more important things. Like, philautia. Self-love. You need to love yourself, and if understanding someone is another word for loving someone, then that’s exactly what you need to do. And everyone in my past, who has helped me become the person I am today, I remember like it was yesterday.

I remember talking to someone on camera every night for the good part of 2 years, and I remember having a million and one chats with certain people, or meeting up for coffee twice a week with friends who we talked to high-heaven. Even ex-partners, even the big-ex, I don’t hold hatred, anger or discontent for what happened, because I wouldn’t be who I am now without their input in my life, good, or bad.

And I try to understand that to be who I am, these things needed to happen.

It makes me sad when someone wants me to forget them, or when someone wants to forget me; take a conversation I had this evening for example.

One of my good friends said to me that they’re leaving soon, and that they don’t see the point in being friends with someone who lives so far away, as past events have told her that she can’t be friends with someone long distance. I know, I understand the situation and have been in the situation before. However, I don’t believe that, because friendship to me is you are there when you can be. It doesn’t get held back because of time, or distance.

That’s where the white rose comes into it. I have an undying love, for anyone who makes, or has made my life better.

Where it be Eros, physical and mental attraction. Being with someone brings this side out of me, and I’ll always remember everyone I’ve ever had that attraction to, and I will cherish every second I experience it with the partner I am with now.

or, whether it be Philia, a deep friendship. I will always have an undying love for the people who have been around me, the people I’ve held in my arms and witnessed their crying, and been at their side, or when they’ve been at mine, without any expectations, and just been there.

or, Agape, a love for everyone. An undying love for humanity, in the sense that connects to me, it is this interwoven desire to be connected to the world, and the White Rose imitates that inter-locking set of chains, through it’s petals over-lapping one another.

or, Pragma, a longstanding love. i’ve experienced this even at my age, and I can honestly say, that feelings for someone, they don’t go, but you accept to let them go, you always feel something when you fall in love, but you give up a piece of yourself when moving on. Things like this, last forever, they stay with you, and sometimes, it can feel like the person walks with you, because a part of yourself is made when you connect to that person for the first time, and the last.

And Philautia, a love of the self. I struggled with this for the longest time, my whole life if not longer. This is because I have always been more weary of myself, than anyone else. Whether it was anger issues as a kid, or whether I didn’t feel good enough for anyone, and self-doubt sunk its claws into me. Either way, it has taken me a long time to come to a position where I see light in myself, and that I’ve been in darkness for far too long. This one is particularly interesting because my partner is helping me realise this, from being there for me without question, and always being kind, and understanding. Not just that, but also I’ve been overcoming challenges, barricades I’ve set myself, and I’ve been winning, for the first time. It’s been amazing.

So, I just wanted to write about the white rose, and how it connects us all to each other, in many ways, and no matter how good, or bad an experience is, I’ll always remember it, and though it can seem like it weighs you down, once you accept it, you’re lighter than ever, and stronger than before. And after the things I’ve seen, done, or been through… I know.

my last weekend of having junk food commences. On Monday, I’m giving up chocolate, crisps, unhealthy snacks, and we shall see how much conviction I really have!

An Ember

That flickering will o’wisp; the dancing amber flame. The melting, burning wood; food to the fire. That fire, and I, share a similarity. There are moments, where we feel extinguished, but it takes a wind, a breeze, a falling leaf, to ignite us, and strengthen our soul.

I’ll be honest, I’m not the best at anything; certainly not the best at writing.

Sometimes, I’ll pretend to be, and sometimes I’ll make people feel like they understand nothing; I don’t mean to; I’m not that shallow.

However, sitting here late at night, contemplating things after watching my two current favourite TV programs (Vikings, and Lucifer), I learned something about myself.

The fact that I can sit here, after not working out for almost three months and still do a decent work-out. I understand a bit more about myself; I’m not on par with the best, or many of the students in my class. The one thing I do have, is this fire inside me which drives me like clockwork. I fiddle my thumbs, but when I’m close to failure, on the edge of defeat… that’s when I come-back, rise, and get myself sorted.

I’ve had an itch in my knee for weeks now. It is an itch I get where an injury I had sustained when I was young. I will admit that it drives me up the wall. It aggravates me, but sitting there today, and working out, practising tai-chi, and a little bit of yoga I’ve come to realise it disappears when I’m trying. The same as it had been the first time over the last month I hadn’t felt tired. Only during the time where I was productive.

So, I was so close to failing, and so close to screwing up my first year, I’ve pulled everything together now, and I’m aiming upwards, and whether I reach the highest, or whether I just get back on track, who knows… but I’m willing to find out.

So, I’m starting the gym on Monday, five days a week. No more junk food (not even doughnuts) and I’m going to pull my head together. I’ve talked to a few tutors about how to improve my learning in their corresponding subjects. I’ve offered to mentor people in September, and I’m looking forward to getting my life back on track. In all honestly, it’s about time.

Anyway, I’ve decided that I’m going to blog about my skills over the summer, and the ways that I’m revising, and improving my English skills. Needless to say, I’ve got it all planned out.

I’m pumped for the next three months.

Goal: Lose 6 stone, gain muscle, and drop the excess weight. Sounds like a piece of cake, right? (mhm, cake.) I’ll be posting a before picture, when I begin. And an after.

Objective one: Grammar. I’m going to blast through two weeks of grammar studies. My aim is to hopefully incorporate the damn logic into my head. So I am able to identify every grammar term when looking at text. So, I’ll keep you posted on that. After the initial two weeks there will be a grammar day each week.

Objective two: Lexis and Phonology; I’d like to figure this out, so I’ll be transcribing the heck out of everything. Which reminds me, I’m giving some of my furnishings to refugees tomorrow. Also, similarly I want to revise my lexis/phonology and come to grips with it all, including reading the books and hopefully, some practical study…

Objective three: Read every single book for my classes next year. (I will also be planning each assignment, and getting the assorted references ready for them.) I know, right? This sounds crazy, even to me.

Objective four: Write something creative twice a week. This doesn’t include the blog. This is going to be interesting.

Objective five: I’ll be dedicating a day, per week to my novel. I want to get the planning done, and see the first chapter. I can’t wait for this. It’s going to be so fun!

Objective six: Record, remind, and remember to evaluate myself. This is important because I know I will lose some form of drive throughout the summer, and get into a rut perhaps, but if I keep a check on that hopefully it won’t happen.

 

That’s all for now, and remember that when you think of giving up, don’t.

You’re worth much more than that.

Goodnight.

 

Diaries of a Madman IV

If you pour a handful of salt into a cup of water, the water becomes undrinkable. But if you pour the salt into a river, people can continue to draw the water to cook, wash, and drink. The river is immense, and it has the capacity to receive, embrace, and transform. When our hearts are small, our understanding and compassion are limited, and we suffer. We can’t accept or tolerate others and their shortcomings, and we demand that they change. But when our hearts expand, these same things don’t make us suffer anymore. We have a lot of understanding and compassion and can embrace others. We accept others as they are, and then they have a chance to transform.

I came across this quote from a man named, ‘Thick Nhat Hanh’ in his book, How to love.  I wasn’t sure about this as I spotted it on a news site, and lets face it… they aren’t particularly trustworthy, are they?

Well, it seems quite interesting actually as it resonates with a similar thinking I have on such matters. I’ve looked for someone to understand me the better part of my life, and with little luck in such matters, it helped me understand myself more than anything. This man writes his philosophical ideals about how to love in this book.

When we feed and support our own happiness, we are nourishing our ability to love. That’s why to love means to learn the art of nourishing our happiness.

Understanding someone’s suffering is the best gift you can give another person. Understanding is love’s other name. If you don’t understand, you can’t love.

I mean, whats not to love about these passages? They make you think, have a positive vibe about them, and its all about love.

I liked the words, ‘Understanding is love’s other name.’ as that’s what I’ve always tried to do, understand. Though, I’m still figuring out whether or not that sounds a bit dodgy seeing as if someone says, “I’m trying to understand everyone”, as in ‘love’ everyone, then I’d probably reply saying,

“Alright mate, keep it in your pants.”

But regardless, it’s idyllic, and a philosophy I can understand. (See what I did there?).

 

On another note: – I realized yesterday, how scary I can come across. Worst of all, it could be the smallest, shortest, yet powerful statements I say without thinking, “Maybe, just maybe, Daniel, they’re a bit much.” Like when playing Ark yesterday. Where, for some reason, I get called ‘The King’ Nothing to do with my username being, ‘King Vargr’ but still. Ha.

And when a teammate threatened me, accidentally killed a tamed dinosaur, lost all of the equipment he was wearing, and then started barking orders at me…

I simply replied, “Talk to me like that, and I may remove your head from your shoulders” the other tribemembers became like dolls with beady little eyes watching us argue. And all of a sudden he said, “Okay, thank you for helping 🙂 🙂 :)” So, it worked. I think. I can’t believe I gotta act like a King in the game just to make sure they don’t try and betray me, sheesh. It reminds me of when I played a game called, ‘War of Vikings’. It was when I first changed my name to King Vargr, and I would have people with shields standing near, or in front of me, all the time.

Ah, memories. Back in the days where I played that game with a two handed executioners axe, and the guys would stand in front of me, and when an enemy charged, they’d separate and watch me decapitate them. Maybe that’s where I get it from. Ha.

 

So, I will state one thing that is aggravating me at the moment… and that is my tiredness. I’ve not been able to wake up energetically since January, and whether that’s because I need to catch up on several hours of sleep, stress, something stupid, or a shadow lurking over me, who knows. But it is succeeding in irritating me. So, forgiveness being a virtue and all, I hope some people can forgive me for being a moody pants sometimes.

 

Diary of a Madman III

Unleashing some form of positive vibe has been the aim of the game over the last few days. I’m trying to bring the best I can to every conversation. Even if it means making a bit of a fool of myself to cheer someone up.

I have been playing games, though not THAT much. Though, I will be taming a few giant spiders over the next weekend which will be hilarious. (Just to scare some friends.) #evillaugh. Yes, I hashtagged. I’m a boss.

Importantly, to note: It’s been going really well with the girl I met. First time for everything, eh? and I keep noticing these little behavioral cues she gives when she’s nervous. We ended up play fighting yesterday and having a tickle fight. I fell on a plastic cup; it hurt.

This morning however, I fell down the stairs. I tripped on a box I put there, and slid, landing at a 90 degree angle. I know, laugh it up — I know you will.

Anyway, I’ve put Dark Souls II to the side for a few days due to the fact that I have not got the head on me to deal with the butt-heads playing. (sobs) some guy pointed to a box telling me it was safe to open, and a giant Mimic ate me… It wasn’t fun. Cried, I did.

Lately, it has been a nice balance between talking to friends, meeting new people, and spending time with my girlfriend. The fact that I have one assignment left until September also adds to the continuity of my good mood. I know, grand — right?

To top things off, I’ve let go of the pain I was feeling around Christmas time with my friend, and we’re back to being friends again, rather than the awkward conversations they have been rather fun.

So, all in all, things are looking up. I passed my grammar class, at 43%, but even so… I did not expect to pass. That was a plus. I will definitely be working on grammar over the summer and getting myself up to a decent standard.

So… all in all, things are looking up, after my assignment (that has to be handed in, in 5 days) I will be starting the gym, where I will aim to lose 6 stone (about 40KG). I know… Perhaps I’ll put up a before, and after picture — who knows.

Finally, I’d just like to say, I hope everyone has a nice day, and things start improving for them, too. Other than a jealous pain in the ass or two in my life, it has been pretty great as of late.

Diaries of a Madman II

Good morning, or good afternoon. Perhaps, it’s god morgon.  Curse this extra keyboard some spanish lady snuck onto my laptop without my knowledge. Or perhaps it was with. Anyway, after a collapsing, degrading attempt at playing Dark Souls III from the beginning, as a sorcerer. I truly knew despair last night. I don’t know how people play as a specific class. I end up making hybrid classes. For example: My sorcerer now wields a giant axe.

I got so frustrated yesterday, on broadcast due to some plebs that summoned me into their game. People who couldn’t dodge, or wouldn’t stop doing stupid things. Three people jumped off a cliff whilst trying to kill a pissin’ lizard. I mean, come on, you doughnuts.

Anyway, my mind is whirling, “Final assignment for this year” *jumps with a joyous, pumped fist*. Anyway…

I got creative this morning, so let me tell you a story:

My eyes widen; my focus incalculable; my arms stretch far; I sit on bended knee. I soar through the forest like it is my own. I move around the trees, and I see much. I witness ants leaving their nests for their first journey of the day; I observe the worms fertilizing the plants, and I move lower, to watch them; it makes me salivate, much. I stretch out my arms, and bend down close. I point at them with my beady eyes, my armoured face, and I whisk my raven-black hair around. I move, clutching my un-clipped toes through the soft mud, digging for more food. I snap, and snap, reaching for prey with my jaw. I see others move around me, they’re watching me, with smaller eyes than myself, like shadows, on the trees around me. They fly down, and stretch their arms out wide. They threaten me?

I am bigger, stronger, faster. I confront the first, and raise my arms out, and spread my body to make me tower above them. I stretch my neck out, and raise my fist like claws. The small one is brave, faces me, like a crow to a lion. I take two steps and jump high. He jumps too, and we fly. We spin around each other, and reach into the sky. I claw at him, and he claws at me. We reach a point where we turn around, and fall to the earth, back where the worms are lying. I’ve wounded him, he is weak. Still, he fights. We spin, and dance around each other. I clutch him in my grip and when we land, I stretch my arms out once more, his neck in my hands, and my landing, softened. I let him go, let him live. He wouldn’t try it again now, would he?

Who am I?

I am a raven, my feathers are my hair, my arms are my wings, and my jaw is my beak.

I got bored, can’t blame me. Hope you enjoy this silly tale.

Have a nice day everyone!

Also, I will be putting a bed together over the weekend, and it has a slide, I mean, how amazing is that? I want a slide on my bed… Never too old. Maybe one day.

Here is a song, a crazy video, and something to illuminate your day with pretty colours, no, I’m not talking about drugs; Get your mind out of the gutter.

The diary of a Madman I

So, I remember what I was saying in my previous post. I’ve had a whale of a time online, lately. I’ve been streaming my experience playing “Dark Souls 3” on twitch. It isn’t the only game I’ve been streaming, however. I’ve streamed “The Forest” and “Ark: survival evolved”, and whatever else. Call of Duty Black Ops 3 didn’t work though. Shameful display CoD.

Anyway, I’ve also, got a girlfriend! (woo) lol. It’s been amazing spending time with her, and she’s really enthusiastic about spending time with me, and can’t seem to get to know me fast enough. It’s so cute. She worries so much though, over the smallest things; it is cute though. She’s such a lovely girl, and it couldn’t be at a better time, having the summer to do things. I am sure things will get better.

So, anyway, enough about real life stuff: let me say, if you want to see/hear me cry after dying 100 times, or looking freakin’ awesome on a game, and wondering why you can’t be as cool as me, (I can’t fit through my door due to my ego right now), then come watch my twitch. I usually broadcast in the evenings, 7pm (GMT) but you’re all welcome to follow me and check in from time to time. You never know, might enjoy hearing me cry, or swear.

https://www.twitch.tv/omegawhitty

 

 

 

P.S for those reading the last post, wondering what the hell I was on about. It started with the amusing fact that my google browser now calls me “King”, short for King Vargr, which I’m known as now on games, and I used to be known as omegawhitty. I’m not sure which I prefer being called as, in-game, or in real life, as a few people I’ve played games with, called me “The King” in real life… it made me roll on the floor laughing, just a little.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a lovely day! 20160414224230_1.jpg

You’re welcome!!