I’m not really sure where to start this evening. I have have had a week of ups and downs, and they just keep coming! It has been apparent that I am not liked, by the creator/god/gods/fates, or whoever the fuck is in charge. Aside from bat-shit crazy dreams, and 5 days of gym I received a confirmation about a past event, which was just, upsetting really, I have had a shit time, over-all really. Enduring one terrible argument, and almost getting into another the morning after, and, to top it all off, my country, the UK, decided to leave Europe. If I had eggs in a basket, I would throw them at someone. So, let us dive into the points.
During the last few nights, I’ve had some pretty chilling dreams. Remember the post I wrote about my door swinging open? I did something a few nights ago, quite possibly making things worse. I decided to force a dream through meditation, and it took two nights, and three hours each interval to get it right. After going back to the dream, I tried to make sense of it, and challenge the people in it. I’m not going into details, but I think I’m better off because of it. That being said, I am reminded of an event that happened last year, of which, I gave myself a moment out of my day today, to think about. Anyway, putting that back in the shelf of the lost and forgotten, lets move on.
On the fifth day
So, I decided to attend the gym five days in a row this week. It actually was not as bad as I thought it would be. It started off well on Monday. Tuesday, I forgot to eat breakfast, and grew lightheaded. Wednesday, I had another good session and Thursday I had a short session, as I was running late. Friday, today, was okay. I started to feel the exhaustion today, that, and running on three hours sleep is not a good thing. Other than that, I feel the need to congratulate myself for getting through a week of gym, without giving up.(Now for the rest of summer) The first week is always the worst… right?
A losing battle
Now, I won’t pretend to understand women, and I won’t pretend to understand anything one hundred percent. Heck, I surprise myself half of the time, and at the moment, I’ve been struggling with some emotions.
I feel like I need to tell you all the truth, and as much as I’m trying to be like a mountain, I’ve had a really bad week full of bloody emotions… It started on Monday, and when you spend four hours with someone, practically laughing and smiling with someone, you can’t help but look into their eyes and see something more than nothing.
Note: I’d just like to point out that I’m trying my best to let go of a love in my life, because it it will never work, and is clearly not reciprocated.
Now, last night I had a late night conversation with someone, and it was just friendly and nice, and we talked about different things, and we brought up the idea of intimacy. The problem with this topic, is the fact that something happened between us a month ago which I was given very little explanation, and as much to my expectation, she was avoiding the topic when I asked her questions about it. She made a joke about me, and I made one back. The snap was the start of the conversation, and she got funny with me.
Anyway, we had a four hour argument, practically saying a lot of stuff we did, or didn’t mean, I’m not a hundred percent sure. But, I’ve got some answers, and I can put that chapter of my life to rest properly now. I don’t feel comfortable with how she felt about what happened between us, and truth be told, I feel like a giant mistake. That being said, I got quite rude last night, from being upset about it, and she reacted badly back. Now, this is someone who at the best of times we reflect off each other so well, but well, we found out we react terribly when we are at our worst.
Anyway, after a lot of tears, from both sides, I fell asleep, and she thought I ignored her… It didn’t help the fact that before I fell asleep I said the words, “I’m done with this, I can’t deal with this anymore.”… and something dawned on me… as much as we were both being horrible to each other, we had no intention of walking away from one another, as friends. We just wanted to be in each other’s lives. So, I couldn’t understand why she was being so horrible (I was being horrible back, and started the conversation in the first place) So, I understand that now…
Besides, when you hear the worst thing you could possibly hear from someone it can feel like you don’t know them at all. The problem is, I have a problem withholding things I shouldn’t say. As in, I say it all, straight away, there and then… like an idiot. Something I thought I was over, but what can I say, this girl knows how to get under my skin with her words, and I had to say something.
So, this morning, I explained some stuff, and we have yet to finish the conversation as she ran out of data… but… once that conversation is done, I will be officially closing a chapter of my life, and letting go of her. We will stay friends, but I’ll be moving past it. I just feel uncomfortable feeling how I do. In fact, I learnt something about myself, the fact that I always seem to fall for people who I know will hurt me. It seems to be a terrible habit. It’s sort of like looking down into a river, from the top of a bridge and saying, “I’ll probably die if I jump” but you shrug your shoulders and jump anyway.
The problem with this was that I hit a concrete floor, luckily enough though, I think we’ll be okay. I can’t deal with anyone right now. I really, really can’t, and she, and a few others have helped me realise this.
Now, to top off my week, the UK left Europe today. I’m fucked off with this result because frankly, we are floating on reputation as it is already.
- We are a tiny, tiny country, and though was once great when we conquered, and owned much more land, we are no longer that way, and have very little power.
- We have little export. Sure, we do provide some mechanical equipment, and whatever else… but from what we used to have, in terms of industry, we have very little.
- We are not America. Independence may have worked for America, but America is 100x the size of Britain… It also has so much more of a diverse production.
- We are leaving the EU because of a hundred and one reasons, many of which immigration comes to mind. I think this is a load of bollocks and the people who voted for this reason should really look at themselves in the mirror, and realise that the EU has nothing to do with ‘problematic immigrants causing trouble’ and people ‘bringing their child brides into the country’ in fact, no country in the EU allows child brides for one…
- We have let the bad guys win. Every ass-hole to date wanted ‘independence’ and started this shit over something stupid, to blame someone else than themselves for the problems that are happening in Britain.
- Much of the reason for Brexit was ‘To make Britain great again’ now… I would love to meet the guy who came up with the saying, and ram my fist down his throat, and remove his tongue, and possibly a heart. If he had one… but how dumb can anyone fucking be. Our greatness, came from slavery, coal, iron, and steel. It came from military might, and our empire is in pieces, and will NEVER return… Now, today? Can anyone think of something they can get from Britain that anyone can’t do better? I can’t… aside from Welsh cakes, but you’re all welcome for that.
- Aside from that, the same people who voted to leave, have no idea what to say, or to do. It has driven me up the wall. Many people have already claimed they have ‘made a mistake’ and want to take back their vote because the pound value has already dropped… and the so-called promises the Brexit campaigners have made, are already coming out as lies. This morning, a promise relating to £350 million, to be spent on the NHS, was a ‘mistake’.
So, all in all, I’m pretty pissed off with my week, I’m fed up and irritable… It’s not just a shit week for me, but for Britain, and I will continue believing that. Stupid fools.
Other than Britain, it’s been a pretty bad week, and it has put me off people for a while, and I want to focus on myself. Actually, a house in the middle of nowhere-forest sounds perfect right about now. So, if any of this offends someone, please click ‘unfollow’ and dissipate in a plume of smoke. It’ll be fun, promise.
I’m not a strong person, I’ve always been weak, the only quality I have that makes me strong is to keep getting back up again… I think people think I’m something that I’m not because I make things look easy, or make it seem like I never have a problem, when in fact, a lot of what I do is difficult for me to do, but that’s why I can smile, because every step for me is a success, compared to what I used to be like. But, I will say one thing… I’m walking forward, regardless of whether the people around me are, or not… but I hope they stay on the same page… I hope this blog post doesn’t make it seem different. I may be pissed off, but it doesn’t mean I do not care.
Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will… this is but one great big fucking brick in a very, exhausting, long wall.