The Book of Dan

I keep getting jokes thrown my way due to the overwhelming complexity of my irritating mind. I mean, I think–I think–I think–I think and I think. Sometimes, the conclusions are pretty simple, and sometimes, a penny, and a paperclip equal human evolution. Makes sense, simple, right?

So, from talking about ghosts, historical figures, political distress, over complicated explanations for very simple things, I’ve decided to work my way into the idea of the book of Dan, this is secretly a real thing that all Daniels share; we’re awesome like that. In it to win it, as they say.

–Oh, who am I kidding, no one says that.

Anyway, to bring forth a new concept and idea to this blog, I’ll introduce the way that I think.

I use keywords to determine a pattern that triggers memories, that bounce back, and interlock with those keywords, reverting back to the question. Sometimes, it works, and others not so much.

This train of thought…

Question/keyword -> Memory -> Person -> keyword -> Memory -> Answer.

It’s like a boomerang of thoughts or a patchwork of expression. Awww, shucks, look at me, using my language teaching mumbo jumbo to define my inner elaboration. Excellent.

I’ve got a nasty habit of thinking about the past, I almost wrote pasty then, but I wouldn’t mind a pasty right now, but, that’s not the point. I’ve got a nasty habit of thinking about people from the past, events, regrets, and have trouble reminiscing old thoughts.

When, in fact, I never miss the person, and I think I simply miss those memories.

Since January I’ve been really good at just living in the now and not thinking of the past or the future. This has helped me improve this rather serious looking smile I sometimes plaster on my face and help me appropriate an intelligible idea of happiness. Honestly, I do get happy moments, please believe me! Ha.

Needless to say I think it’s time to put to rest the ghosts of my past, and finally super charge my tired mind into a stream of usefulness, integrity, and thoughtfulness, and all that other good, cushiony stuff that makes things better. You know the stuff.

So, the book of Dan, that was what we were talking about, right?


Rule 1: We don’t talk about the book of Da–

I mean, rule 1: Daniel is not one thing.

People have tried to define me as many things, and they’ve all been wrong. I’ve sought to describe myself and been wrong as well.

The closest anyone has ever gotten, was when I was called a fool by a woman eight or so years ago. The reason why I don’t see that in a negative light is that a fool is someone who is at the beginning of their journey. Able to walk in any direction, and not be bound to a single choice, journey, or have anything about themselves or their life/lives set in stone.

If I am anything, I am unpredictable and predictable. Maybe I’m predictably unpredictable. Jeez, mind-boggling, right? Not really. What’s wrong with you?

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I hope you enjoy my fat emblem.

Brilliant.

Anyway, I want to keep going positive, and have so much going on over summer, in the coming months, and even right now, so I’ll catch you later. *winky face*

I’m joking. Get over yourself. Not everything is about you, that’s why there’s a book of Dan… Jesus.

Breaking self-made shackles

What decides a path that someone follows?

Is it the journey, their path, or is it their pain?

It could be all of them and it could be none.

Are our lives predetermined, or is everything impulsive, and wild like a forest fire?

I write this as I creep closer to my quarter-life-crisis. It won’t be long before I’ve been here for 25 years and sometimes I feel like the world is at my fingertips yet other times I get an overwhelming desire to walk away from the world and its fire.

I think the biggest journey for me, for this lifetime, was having a child. I made the mistake of having a child with someone who wasn’t sure of what she wanted and not even a second thought to the things you have to do, as opposed to the things you want to do. You see, with me the things that I have to do are easy. The things I want to do are harder. Sometimes they involved pushing people away so I can concentrate, or even giving myself enough space to push through the bristles of the brush that is life. You know, the one you try to squeeze through the gaps of when it tries to brush you away with each stroke.

I’ve spent so many years, already, being serious. Too long I’ve spent not smiling, and too long I’ve spent giving in to the negativity of this, that, or the other. Well, I’ve confronted metaphoric wolves, metaphoric foxes, metaphoric spiders, and metaphoric everything else. I mean–I don’t mean real wolves–of course. What I do mean though is that sometimes I can relate people to having anthropomorphic characteristics. Usually, you can tell who’s fierce and who is brave. You can tell who rushes into things head first and even the ones who save.

But, after spending over 2 years– trust me, it’s a long time for someone like me. Who talks and talks and talks, and thinks and thinks and thinks– They leave an imprint on you, like dirt on a blindingly white shirt. It marks you and takes a while for it to come off. When I finished that relationship I felt like I was wearing a white shirt that had more stains than white patches. But, you know what? Over the last couple of months, something strange had happened… something marvellous.

Sure, I’ve met new people and I’ve been to new places. I’ve started new things like YouTubing, and reading out my work. It makes me nervous but I like it… and it has helped. A lot, in fact. I think–no, I know I’m wearing a clean white shirt again and it’s time to put away the part of my life which I’d tried to hold onto for my daughter’s sake. Coming to the realisation that we’re better off without some people in our life has been the hardest decision for me to make but this is where I am now and I’m ready to move on with things.

So, sitting here today, in the library, and writing this– I’m in my second year — I’m loving it. I moan, and begrudge it at times but entirely… I don’t think I’ve smiled for this many consecutive days before and there’s no reason not to. Literally.

I don’t know what it is…

It could be the fact that I feel like I’m getting somewhere…

It could be because my daughter tells me she loves me twelve times a day…

It could be because I’m finally doing things I want to do…

It could be because I’m actually allowing myself to be happy…

I had a conversation with my friend yesterday, and we talked about how I’m not trying to control myself in every conversation… just… FUCK IT. Fuck trying to put a mask on or trying so hard to fit in, or even FUCK trying to ‘get serious’ and just have fun.

If you can’t have fun it isn’t worth doing.

Remember: The only person who can change your view is yourself, and that’s up to you.

 

Balanced? I think not.

So, sometimes I feel as warm as the sun, and other times, I’m as cool as a cucumber (excuse the pun), as cold as ice… (We’re never going to get anywhere like this)… at sub-zero… I’ll show myself out… Here’s a door:

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I mean, just look at today…

It’s warm outside, warm in my soul… I mean, steering back to reality: It’s been a fun day; I took my daughter out to Cardiff bay, along with my buddy Conor.

Hey, look it’s Conor!

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Well, no it’s not Conor.

Maybe slightly less hair.

Anyway, moving on; see what I mean? I told you we’ll not get anywhere tonight.

So, I want to seriously start by stating that I lost a friend today. After arranging for her to visit in September, I realised that she was using me for a bit of a back-up plan with a few friends that she felt awkward around at the time, and I could see her changing her mind about a lot of things, and messing me around. The worst thing was that she pretended to like me more than a friend, so I’d say yes to her coming, which is ridiculous, I mean if she just said she wanted to be friends I would have been more than happy to let her stay. I’m just that type of person. Cool-beans, right? (tragic)

Anyway, with that out of the way, I burned that bridge real good, ended that friendship because that’s a big no-no to me, and if I didn’t end it there I would be goose-stepping into another despicably annoying situation (Heh, walking like a goose, can you imagine?)

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Here’s a picture of a goose, just in case you can’t. (Heh, this one looks like he’s having a giggle, or holding someone up for bread)

Anyway, with that out of the way, my stress was halved, and I had a brilliant day, filled with sunshines and rainbows… I mean look at this:

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I told you, see the rainbow, taste the rainbow. (Okay, seriously now, I will stop)

Anyway, in conclusion to my day, it’s been a pretty interesting one, and Conor is visiting me for a while, and it’s been pretty nice having someone around to talk to in the evenings as I’ve been alone most of the summer… in the evening anyway. So… it’s still a little adjustment though, being around someone else in this house is strange. It’s alien, aside from having my daughter here of course, and we all have to get used to the way things work. That’s life though.

Anyway, aside from a moody hour or two this evening, today has been a great day and I’m looking forward to doing many more things over the next year which includes going canoeing again, stepping onto the clubbing scene (How you doin’?)

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Okay, I lied about stopping the puns. That one was a classic though, can you blame me?

Anyway, I’ve had enough days where I can call different shades of shit and it is definitely time to change the way I see my days now, and move on.

I had a conversation with an ex of mine over trying again, and I couldn’t take a single step down that road; she messaged me, and all I could think about was how awkward it was reading the words she wrote. I knew she hadn’t ‘changed’ I mean, a leopard and it’s spots and all that jazz.

Here’s a leopard:

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Look! This one has a happy hat.

Anyway, back on point; it’s easy to say yes to something that won’t work, because you may miss someone, or even have some form of inclin of memory, but it takes a better person to say no to something that you do not feel 100% about, regardless of how it affects them, or yourself, knowing it will only make things worse. If you have to ruin yourself to help another, you’re doing it wrong, and I certainly do value my sanity recently.

Furthermore? Yes, there’s more, always is.

I want to work on myself, I know I’ve been belching the same theme for the last three months, but it’s imperative that we all work on ourselves, and after a decent chat with a friend through fb this evening, I understand that this is something I definitely want to do, seeking happiness for yourself, is a must. For, you do not want to enter a relationship, depending on the other person for happiness, it’s not what it is about. Even if it takes 20 years for me to find that place in my life, I don’t care. If someone comes along and adds to my life, not take away, I’ll be fine, but I won’t be compromising my own happiness, anymore. Fuck the ghosts of my past, they are ghosts for a reason, and now… on that note… they can perish like the mother fuckers they are.

Hasta la vista, mujeres.

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So, those of the people in my life who walk with me on this journey of mine for the better, are more than welcome. I will always be there for those who treat me with respect. I know a certain person will read this, and feel a bit worried, if she isn’t covering her face with a very hard slapping hand right now… but, here’s a message to the people in my life who really are trying to add to it, I don’t know where I’d be without you all:

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One day I will find the ying to my yang, but until then, I’ll stride on the waves of life.

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I’ll see you around, cowboys/cowgirls.

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State of my year

This year has been an interesting one. In fact, so interesting, that I feel like I’ve fallen off the rails three times already. I mean, Jesus, some of the situations I’ve faced this year have been absolutely bonkers. BONKERS I TELL YOU! Did that feel like I shouted at you? Good,  we’ll need that for later.

So, January was an interesting month to come back to. I had Christmas at my parents house in December, and after going back to University, I found that the girl I spent most of my time with, before Christmas, just disappeared from existence, even though I saw her in class, sometimes, anyway. I mean, at one point, I felt like shouting, “COME ON, WHAT HAVE I DONE!?” and when we did talk, it was very awkward, we avoided eye contact, though she still got jealous with my ridiculously harmless flirting with others when she was around. It was a conundrum indeed. Actually, I don’t think she knows how much that messed with my head, because before Christmas, we were spending 1/2, or 1/3 days together, and when I say that, I mean, the whole day. After we returned to University in January, it went down to a 20 minute coffee every 3 weeks. But, I suppose, that’s what happens when you tell someone how you feel.

In January, I also got myself into a difficult situation where I was trying to be there for a friend, but I ended up getting blamed for a problem that wasn’t my fault. It was just a shitty situation that had gone on too long, due to whatever reason, or most likely, people interfering. It taught me a lot about what to help people with, and what not to help people with. Relationships? THEY ARE A BIG NO-NO. See? Shouting that out, doesn’t that make you feel better?

So, anyway, in February, I got so upset, and distant, that I disappeared, and my cry for help was when I drank a copious amount of liquor, and drunk messaged everyone. I mean, I acted happy, but not a single one of the people who told me they knew me, and knew me well, noticed. Aside from a girl who was a very new friend at the time. I talked about this moment a dozen times, but I will always remember this moment as the time where I found someone I wanted to hold onto.

She came to my house one evening, and told me she read my posts, which were pretty dark at the time, and she demanded some answers, and started to cry over the idea that I couldn’t talk to anyone, and not her about my problems, even though she spilled her problems onto the table the second day we met. It was cute, and memorable. I’m pretty sure I fell for her quickly, though I told myself I wouldn’t, or tried to hide it well, anyway. But, we just had way too much fun, and what not.

In March, she was the only person to buy me a gift for my birthday, aside from having a card from my parents. Sure, I don’t expect anything from anyone. But even the people I bought presents for earlier in the year, or even a month or two before, didn’t even see me for my birthday, so I felt pretty alone. Though the girl couldn’t come over for my birthday, she bought me a lion teddy, to remind me of her because she dressed up in a lion-onesie one day, and knew I found it funny.

In the earlier months of the year I found it difficult to enjoy my time at University. I found the classes either boring, and very fruitless, or I found that they were telling us we should understand this, but it was something they hadn’t even mentioned, or not directed us to where to find the information. Then again, I was put off some of the reading because of the same reasons. It was very encumbering, and I fell into a rut.

My friend kept coming around, and trying to make me feel better, bless her. Actually, most of the beginning months of the year, the good parts, are based around her. It’s sad, in a way, but pleasant in another. I remember dancing with her in my kitchen, and spinning her around. I remember her yelling at me, or knowing what I wanted before I knew. It’s incredible when you get close enough to someone that you understand each other in a way that requires no communication.

Anyway, in April, I started coming back into social circles, and putting my face out there, again. It wasn’t much, but it was a start, though it put me off again, when everyone practically ignored me every time I spoke, and so I gave up on the group we had on Facebook. what is the point in having a group if everyone ignores you, right?

So, I started focusing on me. I managed to pull myself out of my rut, I had a girlfriend, (not the friend) but it didn’t go well, for two reasons. I may have been in love with someone else (Pretty big one, I know.) and two, she bored the hell out of me. I couldn’t talk to her, and all she wanted to do was watch television. AGAIN, BIG NO NO! Ha-ha, I bet you still read that as me shouting at you. In fact, I found more affection from the girl who had become a close friend, than I did my partner at the time. It meant that I had to break up with my partner, which I did. So, that was a very short 4 week relationship. But hey, at least I was being honest with myself.

Moving on, I told my best friend the truth, and how I felt. And she told me she couldn’t, because of several reasons, one being her leaving soon, and another one I won’t talk about online. But, alas, we still got closer, and perhaps it was a natural thing, once feelings are aired. So, in June, I ‘made’ (she came by choice, but didn’t like to tell me) her come to a BBQ/party we had. And that’s when it hit off between us. My fault, I thought I’d be nice, to take her upstairs, and I planned to sleep downstairs with the guys, because there were two other guys in the house, and she grabbed my hand before we left. I won’t go into anymore detail about that, but lets just say, it took about 4 weeks after she left the country (went back home after her year stay here), to get over it. For me, anyway.

What I found was that she didn’t care about what happened, and she did it for me. It hurt me, like a knife to my heart. Really. But, I survived it, and though it tarnished my motivational triumph of finally getting my ass to the gym, I found myself living my day around her talking to me for a while too. I had to get some space from her, so I did just that. Now, we talk very little, just now and then. I had an argument with her on the weekend, which allowed me to see her just as a friend, and though we are okay as friends, we are just that, and we won’t ever be more than that. I’m completely okay with that though. The way things went, it wouldn’t be a good relationship if we did try. As it wasn’t very virtuous to begin with.

That being said, I’m sure she’s trying her best to be my friend. We are getting along, but that’s that.

So here I am, I had been to the gym for nine weeks, and lost 5KG, that’s all. I have much more muscle now, and feel better in myself. The plan is to jog three times a week, and I’ve come to a point where I feel comfortable enough in myself to believe, trust, and honour myself. The only people I have to worry about, presently, are myself, and my daughter.

That being said, I’ve found myself getting closer to an ex partner of mine, who I dated in 2013, and we’ve been good friends since. My Swedish Lady friend. She’s coming to visit me in September, and who knows, maybe things will improve drastically over the next few months, and though we are not expecting anything to happen, it will be a lovely surprised to see her again. It has definitely been too long.

So, over-all, I have much to do this summer, including actually reading the books I promised myself I would read, improve my grammar, and lexis and phonology, and become a better me. I already feel that happening. If anyone tries to interrupt that, or halt my path, I will move around you, jump over you, or just walk through you, and change you from someone who is in my life, to someone who is now a ghost of my past.

To end this post, I would like to state that I met many people on a short two week course I had in July, where I met many people I would love to meet again. Perhaps, I’ll have a holiday in Spain next year, and we could all meet up for a meal again. I’ve never been with so many people that we had a meal between 24-30 of us, but it was amazing, and an experience I will definitely not forget.

So, this has been my catch-up year. I’ve gained friends, I’ve lost friends, I lost myself, and found myself, I’ve been scraping the bottom of my motivation, and now I’m on fire, so to speak. NO DIRTY JOKES, COME NOW. Ha, I bet you read that shouting, again. It never gets old. But, over-all, I’ve come to rely on myself, and that, has been a more important lesson to me, than anything else I have experienced this year. It means that when my second year starts, I will be in a position to manage everything that comes my way, good, or bad.

So, bring it on.

Cowardice

Response to The Daily Post‘s cowardice.

Cowardice:

I had never thought about how I harboured cowardice. I thought myself strong, tough, sensitive, but never cowardly.

Cowardice, is not being able to make a choice. Cowardice, is being afraid to take a step. Cowardice, has been me.

I’ve always wanted to change, but never took the steps necessary to do so. By that, even with my weight training, or losing the weight I have, I always let myself get distracted. Back in May, and June, I was a headstrong person, who started believing in himself. I had such promise, and conviction in myself. I mean, fuck, I didn’t need anybody. What a facade that was.

When a woman I was getting far too close to, reciprocated feelings for me, which at that moment in time, felt absolutely perfect, which, I would love to lie, and pretend they didn’t, and I would love to tell you some bullshit story about how I am strong enough not to let something so simple as a couple of intimate moments with a woman to get me down so much, but I’d be lying. And lying, is something I am very good at, but also hate, with a passion.

Now, I’m discussing cowardice because it is a word that has resembled the way I have been with those around me. I should strong-arm through my day, like I would have done, once upon a time, but I didn’t, I haven’t, I wouldn’t, and I couldn’t.

All the ifs, and buts have nothing on me. I’ve been living in a liminal stage of life for a very long time. I’ve held onto people that I should have let go of perhaps a life-time, or two ago.

Cowardice something that we shall never be able to run from.

Cowardice something that will hunt us, the further we walk from it.

Cowardice That trapped feeling, breathless, inescapable.

You know, sometimes, I feel trapped with my circumstances, with my life, but I will forever be the person who is trapped by choice. I know it’s bad to say, or sad to say, and don’t get me wrong, I love my little family, of us two, but sometimes, I can’t help but feel exhausted.

That being because I made that choice, I never had a chance to let go of the ghosts in my past, and I’m never truly alone with my thoughts long enough to mourn them, and then let go of them, so they follow me, almost haunting me. I say, almost.

Back to the woman, the point is that instead of being strong enough to let it go, walk away, and forget about feelings that will have me enthralled, I end up dooming myself by pushing myself into such a path that beckons me to suffer. I don’t take the time I need away from that person, those people. I end up swaying, like a ship in the water, on the edge of a pressure plate, deciding whether to float to the left, or to the right. And, that’s simply how it is. I’m not mad with her, in fact, she’s been rather awesome about it all. Been really pleasant, and kind to me.

It’s more so, my cowardice that I’m scared of burning a bridge. I’ve thought I was getting pretty good at burning bridges, turns out I always leave something closing the space between two islands. Even if it is but the size of a string.

And, this is the adverse effect of being a fool, a foolish bloody fool who puts themselves out there for everyone to hold onto, but I refuse to put my hand out to someone, for myself, permanently, because I’ve never had someone stay, and I’ve never had someone choose me. This isn’t a hit to anyone, just simply the truth.

It’s my cowardice that stops me from being able to let go of the people who easily let go of me. It’s for that, that I end up trapped in the past, in the memories, in people like you. But, that gets lost, combined with this feeling I’ve felt since I was a young pup.

Thanks to a friend today, I have a word for it:

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Yearning for something that may not have even existed. Mourning over another life maybe? Who the fuck knows. But, what that means, is that I’ve not let go of whatever it is, and if I never find it? I never find that other half of me that completes my soul, I don’t think I’d last very long. Like a lonely budgie in a cage on its own.

So, what is my cowardice?

  • Not being able to tell people what I truly think.
  • Not being able to tell the people I care about, how I feel, for fear of losing them, like it happens on repeat.
  • For being careless, and not being attentive, just in case I get too close to someone
  • For wanting love, but also fearing love.
  • For not being able to let go of certain things in my life
  • For looking for something I’ll never have.
  • Not being happy with myself, and seeking others to fill the gap.
  • For trying, and trying, failing, and failing, and wondering why I should even get back up again…
  • For not stepping a foot out of this country
  • For being too scared to push myself in a direction, for my footsteps will become stone
  • For being too weak, to believe in myself
  • For not walking forward.
  • I noticed it more lately, when I get heart palpitations when you ask me what’s wrong, and I’m not able to say, but more so, I just don’t want to be vulnerable again.
  • It’s cowardice I am scared to become vulnerable, and in being scared of being vulnerable, of being open, I am vulnerable. Ironic, eh?
  • Not being able to stick to my own rules.
  • Being too scared to try my best, and put everything.
  • It’s the idea that when someone promises you they will be there for you, you can’t believe them, because you’re afraid of letting someone too close.
  • For that, I don’t think there will ever be someone out there who truly understands me, who gets me, though, I think the only person I’d want that person to be is someone I get married to.

That is my cowardice, and I hope that one day it changes. Without a doubt, I will try my best to change it… So, I’ve let cowardice take over lately, one bump in the road after a while, and I hate it. So, I’m going to change it, and stop letting myself get pushed into the ground, and stop being taken advantage of, and stop letting empty thoughts, and feelings, win.

My next post, will be how I’m going to change it. And this time, I will damn-well rise above it, for me, and no-one else. I’m taking a break from stretching my mind too thin, and trying to reach out to people. I’m taking a break from looking to other people… It’s time to listen to myself, and reach inside of me. Who am I? and what do I want?

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will. But right now… I’m going to finally try and fix my broken pieces.

Words of the day

Now, I thought it’d be nice to have a little message, each day for people who need a helping hand, or to know that someone cares.

And here it is:

Whenever you feel like giving up, whether it because you have felt like death has followed you lately, or whether you feel like your friends have abandoned you, or even if you simply feel alone. Know that there are people who are there to speak to. But more importantly, don’t forget to speak to yourself.

You might think that is strange, and I don’t mean in the slightly scary way of Schizophrenic battles of the mind, but remember to listen to yourself, for what you think you want, can be so much different from what you need. Do you need some space? some isolation to get over something? Then give yourself it, don’t cling to other people, just sigh, give a deep breath, and have a day to yourself.

What you’ll find is that you’ll have a moment of realization, where that puzzle in your head fixes itself, because you allowed yourself some time to accept the events that have happened, and you will be open to moving forward, rather than being stuck, alongside the ghosts of your past.

And when you feel you need someone to talk to, and if you don’t have anyone there, I will be. Remember, that is all starts with you.

So…

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will.

Just a ripple in the ocean

The problems I keep coming across is that I find getting close to people who don’t really care that much about me. I mean, don’t get me wrong… sometimes I come across friends who try, for a while, or I come across people who tell me they are always there, but in actual fact is anyone really there when you need them?

When you’re sat up thinking, even when you mention it to those friends who tell you once a week that they are there for you. I find myself dealing with every problem I ever come across, alone. Whether it be because the people around me are too busy to reply, or whether being there for me is just what they think I want to hear. Who knows, really. 

What I will say though, is that whenever I ultimately put my trust in someone and start believing in someone, that they will be there for me when I need them I find it drives a wedge between us. 

What I have come to realise lately is that sometimes we hold onto things, people and idealisms that put more darkness into our souls than light. That for me, is where I have my downfall.

I hold onto people from my past, even when I think I don’t. Giving an example: The person I used to tell everything to. What I find is that I get asked about my problems for gossip sake, as opposed to actually trying to help. Sometimes, it does help just to write them out to someone, but in most cases, it doesn’t.

Now, there are others who let me talk for the world but have nothing to say. Now, I appreciate the fact people listen, but I want someone who can give as much as they take… so to speak. I don’t want to talk about me, I want to know about you. 

Now, as of late, for the better part of a year I feel that I have lacked a certain substance in my conversations. It is like people are so defensive they can’t talk openly with people anymore. Even words so simple as, “how are you?” get a dodgy reply of “why?” and anything further? just seems to them like you are digging for gold…

All I know is that for everyday I get ignored, or people looking at me stupid for being nice, or assuming I am after something because I am not afraid of complimenting someone, I feel more attuned to understanding, and trusting myself. It will get to a point where I will stop trying with these people. So, when I read your words and don’t reply, when I stop saying goodnight, and good morning, when I stop trying… Then you’ll know you’re one of the people that pushed me towards self-reliance, and loss oh hope in those who have crossed paths with me.

I will always be there for as many people as I can, but it is about time I stop being a sap for people to piss on when they “find someone better”.
So, whether we have not yet crossed paths, or have crossed paths already, if you don’t like this post, then prove me wrong?
Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will. This is just one brick in a very long wall. 
It is time I move on from the ghosts of my past.

On fire

So… the post I wrote yesterday was an explanation of how I write when I’m tired. By that, I mean, I talk the most bullshit when I am more exhausted than a squirrel that is on-a-down from drinking a barrel full of coffee. Furthermore, when I wrote an email to someone, I had to erase six paragraphs because I started writing about the war. What war you ask? I have fought no war. So, a little note for me:

Don’t write when you’re tired. Doughnut.

Now that that is out of the way. Let us carry on.

Where to begin, where to start? This morning, I woke up, still tired, but in a good mood. I forgot to wash my clothes as I had a long weekend away and I’ve just put them up now, so I couldn’t go to the gym. I cleaned my house instead. It’s been a good sweep. I found some cool stuff I forgot, and my wardrobe collapsed on me when I tried to move it. If you’re thinking of taking the easy way out by moving a canvas wardrobe with all the clothes still in there… don’t. It will end in your demise, sort of.

Other than moving stuff around, it has been a little bit of a slow day. I have come back to my mountain behaviour, and I will get up tomorrow, and things will return to the way they were.

The thing I realised over the weekend is that there is an underlying something, that’s just not talked about with my brother, because when we went out in the evening, I found that he met many people he knew, and stood in front of me when talking to them. To top it off, he never introduced me to a single person, aside from someone who knew my parents, but that’s because they greeted me.

It was a surprising realisation as he’s always so quick to meet my friends, and people I know… But hey, I guess that is just the way it is.

Other than that, I am aiming to walk forward, and improve myself, just as I started out trying to. Focus on myself for a change, as even when I tell myself to, I seem to always digress onto other people. It would be nice if I could concentrate for longer than five minutes.

Even though I’m working on myself, this will always stand:

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will; this is but one brick in a very long wall.

Fuck you Brexit

I’m not really sure where to start this evening. I have have had a week of ups and downs, and they just keep coming! It has been apparent that I am not liked, by the creator/god/gods/fates, or whoever the fuck is in charge. Aside from bat-shit crazy dreams, and 5 days of gym I received a confirmation about a past event, which was just, upsetting really, I have had a shit time, over-all really. Enduring one terrible argument, and almost getting into another the morning after, and, to top it all off, my country, the UK, decided to leave Europe. If I had eggs in a basket, I would throw them at someone. So, let us dive into the points.

The dreams

During the last few nights, I’ve had some pretty chilling dreams. Remember the post I wrote about my door swinging open? I did something a few nights ago, quite possibly making things worse. I decided to force a dream through meditation, and it took two nights, and three hours each interval to get it right. After going back to the dream, I tried to make sense of it, and challenge the people in it. I’m not going into details, but I think I’m better off because of it. That being said, I am reminded of an event that happened last year, of which, I gave myself a moment out of my day today, to think about. Anyway, putting that back in the shelf of the lost and forgotten, lets move on.

On the fifth day

So, I decided to attend the gym five days in a row this week. It actually was not as bad as I thought it would be. It started off well on Monday. Tuesday, I forgot to eat breakfast, and grew lightheaded. Wednesday, I had another good session and Thursday I had a short session, as I was running late. Friday, today, was okay. I started to feel the exhaustion today, that, and running on three hours sleep is not a good thing. Other than that, I feel the need to congratulate myself for getting through a week of gym, without giving up.(Now for the rest of summer) The first week is always the worst… right?

A losing battle

Now, I won’t pretend to understand women, and I won’t pretend to understand anything one hundred percent. Heck, I surprise myself half of the time, and at the moment, I’ve been struggling with some emotions.

I feel like I need to tell you all the truth, and as much as I’m trying to be like a mountain, I’ve had a really bad week full of bloody emotions… It started on Monday, and when you spend four hours with someone, practically laughing and smiling with someone, you can’t help but look into their eyes and see something more than nothing.

Note: I’d just like to point out that I’m trying my best to let go of a love in my life, because it it will never work, and is clearly not reciprocated.

Now, last night I had a late night conversation with someone, and it was just friendly and nice, and we talked about different things, and we brought up the idea of intimacy. The problem with this topic, is the fact that something happened between us a month ago which I was given very little explanation, and as much to my expectation, she was avoiding the topic when I asked her questions about it. She made a joke about me, and I made one back. The snap was the start of the conversation, and she got funny with me.

Anyway, we had a four hour argument, practically saying a lot of stuff we did, or didn’t mean, I’m not a hundred percent sure. But, I’ve got some answers, and I can put that chapter of my life to rest properly now. I don’t feel comfortable with how she felt about what happened between us, and truth be told, I feel like a giant mistake. That being said, I got quite rude last night, from being upset about it, and she reacted badly back. Now, this is someone who at the best of times we reflect off each other so well, but well, we found out we react terribly when we are at our worst.

Anyway, after a lot of tears, from both sides, I fell asleep, and she thought I ignored her… It didn’t help the fact that before I fell asleep I said the words, “I’m done with this, I can’t deal with this anymore.”… and something dawned on me… as much as we were both being horrible to each other, we had no intention of walking away from one another, as friends. We just wanted to be in each other’s lives. So, I couldn’t understand why she was being so horrible (I was being horrible back, and started the conversation in the first place) So, I understand that now…

Besides, when you hear the worst thing you could possibly hear from someone it can feel like you don’t know them at all. The problem is, I have a problem withholding things I shouldn’t say. As in, I say it all, straight away, there and then… like an idiot. Something I thought I was over, but what can I say, this girl knows how to get under my skin with her words, and I had to say something.

So, this morning, I explained some stuff, and we have yet to finish the conversation as she ran out of data… but… once that conversation is done, I will be officially closing a chapter of my life, and letting go of her. We will stay friends, but I’ll be moving past it. I just feel uncomfortable feeling how I do. In fact, I learnt something about myself, the fact that I always seem to fall for people who I know will hurt me. It seems to be a terrible habit. It’s sort of like looking down into a river, from the top of a bridge and saying, “I’ll probably die if I jump” but you shrug your shoulders and jump anyway.

The problem with this was that I hit a concrete floor, luckily enough though, I think we’ll be okay. I can’t deal with anyone right now. I really, really can’t, and she, and a few others have helped me realise this.

Brexit Brexoff.

Now, to top off my week, the UK left Europe today. I’m fucked off with this result because frankly, we are floating on reputation as it is already.

  1. We are a tiny, tiny country, and though was once great when we conquered, and owned much more land, we are no longer that way, and have very little power.
  2. We have little export. Sure, we do provide some mechanical equipment, and whatever else… but from what we used to have, in terms of industry, we have very little.
  3. We are not America. Independence may have worked for America, but America is 100x the size of Britain… It also has so much more of a diverse production.
  4. We are leaving the EU because of a hundred and one reasons, many of which immigration comes to mind. I think this is a load of bollocks and the people who voted for this reason should really look at themselves in the mirror, and realise that the EU has nothing to do with ‘problematic immigrants causing trouble’ and people ‘bringing their child brides into the country’ in fact, no country in the EU allows child brides for one…
  5. We have let the bad guys win. Every ass-hole to date wanted ‘independence’ and started this shit over something stupid, to blame someone else than themselves for the problems that are happening in Britain.
  6. Much of the reason for Brexit was ‘To make Britain great again’ now… I would love to meet the guy who came up with the saying, and ram my fist down his throat, and remove his tongue, and possibly a heart. If he had one… but how dumb can anyone fucking be. Our greatness, came from slavery, coal, iron, and steel. It came from military might, and our empire is in pieces, and will NEVER return… Now, today? Can anyone think of something they can get from Britain that anyone can’t do better? I can’t… aside from Welsh cakes, but you’re all welcome for that.
  7. Aside from that, the same people who voted to leave, have no idea what to say, or to do. It has driven me up the wall. Many people have already claimed they have ‘made a mistake’ and want to take back their vote because the pound value has already dropped… and the so-called promises the Brexit campaigners have made, are already coming out as lies. This morning, a promise relating to £350 million, to be spent on the NHS, was a ‘mistake’.

Moving on

So, all in all, I’m pretty pissed off with my week, I’m fed up and irritable… It’s not just a shit week for me, but for Britain, and I will continue believing that. Stupid fools.

Other than Britain, it’s been a pretty bad week, and it has put me off people for a while, and I want to focus on myself. Actually, a house in the middle of nowhere-forest sounds perfect right about now. So, if any of this offends someone, please click ‘unfollow’ and dissipate in a plume of smoke. It’ll be fun, promise.

I’m not a strong person, I’ve always been weak, the only quality I have that makes me strong is to keep getting back up again… I think people think I’m something that I’m not because I make things look easy, or make it seem like I never have a problem, when in fact, a lot of what I do is difficult for me to do, but that’s why I can smile, because every step for me is a success, compared to what I used to be like. But, I will say one thing… I’m walking forward, regardless of whether the people around me are, or not… but I hope they stay on the same page… I hope this blog post doesn’t make it seem different. I may be pissed off, but it doesn’t mean I do not care.

 

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will… this is but one great big fucking brick in a very, exhausting, long wall.

The Black Cat Blue Sea Award

Meg nominated me to answer three questions about myself.

  1. Why do you keep writing?
  2. If you could change one thing about this world, what would it be and why?
  3. Who are you? (You can’t just say your name, that’s cheating).

 

These will be the questions I will be answering this evening.

  1. Why do you keep writing?

I originally started writing as an output to my emotion as I held everything in. For the most part on this blog, this is what I do, to release myself of an emotion, good, bad, neutral, painful, happy, whatever the reason; I do it to rid myself of undesired feelings.

That being said, writing is something I started eight years ago. I met someone, who felt important to me in the type of an Eros way. I was in a very different place back then. I came across so, so, so many things that I did not understand about myself, other people,and things that happened back then. She, being one of them. Writing helped me work through each, and every difficulty one by one, and helped me understand myself for who I was. It has helped me over the years to show me my true face as when I write I seem unable to spin a lie. I may misdirect the truth or leave details out but I just can’t lie. It’s difficult for me.

In writing, it is the truest face of my soul that you see. I’m still building this part of me, in the sense that it has taken me so long to free myself of restricting chains like ‘What will others think of me?’ and the anxiety that comes with the social aspect of life. In fact, writing has helped me come to a position in my life where I feel comfortable with myself. I keep writing because not only do I have a story to tell, but because the feelings, and emotions that are always running through my head will be one day conquered, and I’d like to show anyone who feels similarly that it is possibly to conquer them; that it is not something you should be afraid of.

The same way that when someone described the things I believed in, when it comes to my spiritual side of life, they said, “There are some people who read books, texts, and scriptures, and some people who write them.” It made me giggle, and by no means do I ever think I would be someone who would one day write something on par with a holy book, but I love the idea that some people read stories, and some people write them. I want to show meaning, and carry on my idealism of overcoming any obstacle. I used to be terrible at writing, and over time I think I’m improving. I have a long way to go, but it’s a start.

2. If you could change one thing about this world, what would it be and why?

If there was something I could change about this world, I would change the pretense that being perfect in a skill, a characteristic, or feature is what is most desired. The idealism that perfection is something to chase… it is very toxic. Now, I’m personally a hopeless romantic, and sure, I make many mistakes, and I may be good with some people, and good with handling myself, but I’ve never wanted to be perfect in the way that I am because it wouldn’t be me. It might sound strange. I have a different set of skills. If I can meet every obstacle in front of me with a smile on my face, then I’m in the place I want to be in. I don’t care if sometimes I fail, or I do not perfect everything, I want to be the person who overcomes everything, even if barely. So I can say in my life, “I did that. I am proud to be me.” and that happiness with yourself is something more desirable, than perfection or being the best.

3. Who are you? (You can’t just say your name, that’s cheating).

This is a question I’ve been asking myself for a very long time, and it falls under the category of one of the biggest questions someone can ask themselves. Now, I thought myself nothing when I was younger. I just didn’t like myself, who I was, my physical body, how weak my mind was, how emotionally driven I was, and I didn’t believe in anything. I wasn’t sure whether I would even live very long, I just had this thing about how everyone who is too close will hurt me.

Now, the person I am today, is someone who can be described as having fire in their eyes, and in their heart. First, (which I know one or two will laugh at this) I am a human radiator… I do not get cold, I am always warm-boiling, and the guy who would happily wear shorts in snow. Moving on… I am someone who gives 100% in the people around him, and once he falls for someone that is it. I think that’s one of the problems I face is that in my mind, I am drawn to a few people, not personality types, which is why it’s so confusing for me, but when I find someone, I just know and fall hard, and fast. Even if it doesn’t work.

That being said though, I care not for names, nor the colour of hair, or the features on someone’s shell (their skin) I care for what is inside, and that’s who I am. I am the type of person who can look past any appearance and see beauty inside of someone, and though cynical… and once believing in nothing, I now believe in everything. I do not worship a god, or a devil, or some deity, or even some mystical force/being… but I believe in the power of the people who are around you, and when you really meet someone who wants to stand up, it is the most amazing feeling ever. I hope that is the same feeling people get when they meet me.

Because, I am a fool who will always help the people around him, or even help the people further than that, or just simply help people. The problem with that is that I get caught up into drama, and get drawn into battles that are not of my own. I get blamed for things that are not my fault, and get hated for reasons unknown. However, lately, I’ve been changing the way I think, and growing out of that shell of negativity, and into something much more beneficial, and helpful… a way of thinking that boasts a positive way of life. If I could describe myself in any way; I am someone who will stand up no matter how many times I fall down, and I will over come every obstacle that stands in my way. It doesn’t matter how big, or how tall the obstacle is, I will over-come it, break through it, or find a way around it.

The most important person, who externally makes me who I am is my daughter. So much has happened since I’ve had her and much of these adjustments in my life has happened because of her, and she will one day figure out how important she is to me, but I can wait a little longer before she figures out that she is the most important person to me.

My name is Daniel, and though names mean very little to me, I am who I am, and the only person who can change me is me. I will always have a place for the people I have fallen for in my heart, and I will always extend my arm to people who need me.

Thank you Megan, for your nomination, but I think I got a little soppy there.

Have a great day everyone, and I hope you enjoy this read.

‘Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will. This is but a brick in a very long wall.’

 

If I were to nominate anyone it would be :

  1. Musingstomypanda
  2. ValleysAngel92
  3. Ceri
  4. Lulu

The questions would be:

  1. What makes you, you?
  2. What do you believe in?
  3. Is there something you would change about yourself, if you could?