Water, oh noes, lemme smash, and TEST TEST

I’ve had one brilliant day today; a really good one. Flippin’ heck, as my teacher would say. Lots of things on the list of this evening’s post.

Firstly, I know we all play hot and cold due to having our very dynamic and varying moods, but it’s been a real pleasure getting to know someone new lately, in fact, I’d say it’s the most I’ve talked to someone in a few years, and if any of you know anything about me, that means more to me than looks, intellect of the ability to provide satisfaction, (tell me you didn’t say satisfaction in your head like in the song?).

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Moving on from that and onto my canoeing adventure today! I went out with my best buddy Conor to have a fairly fun experience canoeing down the River Wye. So, we didn’t stop off at the pub, and it was Conor’s first experience canoeing! Ha-ha, something to remember, and amongst certain conversations and a long conversation with him about someone he met, and teasing him with the meme ‘lemme smash’ which will be shown at the bottom of the post. (you’re welcome). We spent a few hours rowing down the river, and we spent a few hours, including breakfast getting there this morning.

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One of my friends, Liz, took us there, and we had a chat with her and her mum. It was a nice catch-up and I remembered why I missed seeing them so much, she used to be my neighbour and we used to see each other every day, and now, I hadn’t seen her in about a year, maybe two. That will definitely have to change!

So, after finishing the course and heading home, we missed the bus and had time so we had a lovely meal at ‘The Punch House’ in Monmouth where we ate a taverner’s chicken meal, which was what we would call Huntsman chicken, ha, can’t fool me.

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After wasting some time, we went home. I’ll be honest, the bartender scared me a little. Either she was in a mad rush, and the boss of all things in that place, or she just simply didn’t like us. Maybe she knew we weren’t from there. Who the heck knows.

After leaving Monmouth at about 4:30, we fell asleep on the bus, waking up now and then, in Usk and then Caerleon before getting back to Newport. Jeez, such a long trip. We headed to the train station and heard of a fatality halting some of the trains.

When it comes to death I feel callous and cold, and I had the opinion that people die every day, why feel sad over another one? And, I think if there was ever a Sims 3 friendship sign above our heads, it would’ve been a negative one above Conor’s. He was quite conflicted about how to feel about it. I suppose that’s the difference when you hear about several deaths on the tracks, compared to the first time. I may be a little heartless but I appreciate the tender look at life in cases like that.

After a good day out we went our separate ways, and I almost missed my stop by falling asleep, again. I got off and headed home. I realised how burnt I was, and have red marks down my wrists, face and kneecaps. I do have a tan line on my left wrist from my watch, which amused me for a little while. I know, it’s the little things, right?

I sat down for a bit, talked to a few people, casually said goodbye to two people that had been communicating with me for a while but with empty words, as if they felt they had to but weren’t interested in getting anywhere with me. I didn’t feel much about that, I guess I’m getting used to saying it now– who knows whether that’s a good thing or not.

 

In other news, I unboxed my delivery and opened my grey pair of trousers, white shirt, and waistcoat waiting for me. I’ve got to look professional when going to teach on Monday, haven’t I? Ha-ha.

Finally,

I’ve been testing out a different style of writing, one in which I don’t fluff around with the words and get straight to the point until it comes to an area of immense drama, to create a more intense atmosphere when needed.

My teacher gave my some good advice and she said, “you can’t start off with a nuclear explosion and then go back to normal.” It made a lot of sense to me.

Here’s a sample of what I’ve written, what do you think?

 

                He made her a promise; that he did, a contract so to speak, though it was more of a death wish with that woman. Thomas was a fool who promised the world a new skin. Everyone, including he knew it was impossible but still he pledged his services at an early age to a lady who caught his eye. Probably the gold of a fool that kept his eyes shining. A fool’s gold usually gets him killed, and this one will, probably.

Twelve years old, a year earlier than the rest, Thomas, a boy of pale skin, fine brown hair, and piercing green eyes knelt before a girl not a day older. She was a little different, like the consort to the most impeccable innocence. Far-stretching, but true just the same. She had raven-black hair and sapphires for eyes. She granted him a dance, and a fine one at that. They never touched, not once, but when shuffling around one another like a pair of mating birds they were connecting, something more serious, and only a touch more dangerous.

A promise is a promise and that’s just what he did, and when he leant in, their faces almost touched, but he was close enough to use that silver-tongue for something, “Open your window after the dance and come with me for a walk please?”

The young lady smiled, Freya was her name, and she liked his arrogance, and admired his courage. That was dangerous, too; more so. The men in the room chuckled, and drank themselves to sleep telling each other stories of how big and bad they were during the last war. Trinson told stories about how he stood as the big scary wolf with lightning-fast reflexes. Nilvar told stories about how he charged through a hundred men like a mighty boar with his hammer. There were seven others, whose names were not important, not to Thomas, at least, and that’s the one who stayed awake. He was watchful of Alaric’s ire, a boy a few years older who had an eye for the same girl as he, yet could not pluck the courage out of the air around him like Thomas could. Thomas had plenty of that, and if he could have only plenty of one thing it would certainly be courage. He was a fool after all.

Everyone retired to their chambers, filling the rooms of a usually empty castle, and instead of having cold stone walls like it typically felt like, it felt warm. The corridors were littered with standing torches and Thomas had to be careful. He opened the door to his chamber, cracking it open an inch before freezing. His father, Trinson turned, burping and farting his way back to sleep.

So, that’s that. I’m tired, and about to head to bed. If I’ve forgotten anything…. ah yes…

lemme smash:

It could be argued my friend is very much in this situation. heh.

Why I’m never giving up on TESOL

TESOL has been hit by the recent cuts at the University of South Wales, and I won’t see it cut.

TESOL has been an important part of my education at University, and possibly one of the only reasons why I’ve stayed. I’ve thought about dropping out, because of other things getting in the way, but the exciting lessons and the chance to always learn something new in TESOL has helped me understand that I want to become a teacher.

More so, I want to become a language teacher.

TESOL has helped me do this by showing me what grammar actually is, and not just understanding how to use the language correctly, but to label it, to identify language chunks, and so much more.

For example, it has taught me how to identify the difference between the tenses, past simple, continuous, perfect, and perfect continuous, or present simple, continuous, perfect, and perfect continuous, or, future simple (will, and going to), continuous, perfect, and perfect continuous.

It has helped me understand the difference between nouns, noun phrases, countable, and uncountable nouns, gerunds, pronouns and where and when to use them.

It has helped me understand adverbs, adjectives, how and where to use them, the comparative and superlative forms. It has helped me understand how to write in reported speech and the rules behind it. It has helped me understand conjunctions, articles, and so much more.

It has helped me understand how to use the phonemic chart, the differences between hard consonant sounds, and soft consonant sounds and to think of the synonyms of every word I use.

It has helped me understand how assimilation works, and that the way we communicate language isn’t necessarily right or wrong, but rather multiple choice. The fact that language is something fluid, and forever changing, as opposed to something that is outdated and not needing to be refreshed, or modified.

It has helped me identify problems with non-native speakers, in the sense of typically common problems that different language users will find difficulties with.

TESOL has helped me understand how to work with mixed skills groups, and multi-cultural groups, and to identify the importance of building confidence in a classroom, over repetitive study. Fluency being key in this.

I think that it is important to note that TESOL will contribute toward making me a more confident person, and a more understanding person. It helps me understand the use of intonation in speech, the variations in dialects, and to teach a simple way of explaining rules/uses of language to friends and non-native speakers.

Whether that’s down to the subject, or down to my teachers, Rhian and Mike, is difficult to discern but both my tutors and TESOL as a subject have been invaluable to me.

The Book of Dan

I keep getting jokes thrown my way due to the overwhelming complexity of my irritating mind. I mean, I think–I think–I think–I think and I think. Sometimes, the conclusions are pretty simple, and sometimes, a penny, and a paperclip equal human evolution. Makes sense, simple, right?

So, from talking about ghosts, historical figures, political distress, over complicated explanations for very simple things, I’ve decided to work my way into the idea of the book of Dan, this is secretly a real thing that all Daniels share; we’re awesome like that. In it to win it, as they say.

–Oh, who am I kidding, no one says that.

Anyway, to bring forth a new concept and idea to this blog, I’ll introduce the way that I think.

I use keywords to determine a pattern that triggers memories, that bounce back, and interlock with those keywords, reverting back to the question. Sometimes, it works, and others not so much.

This train of thought…

Question/keyword -> Memory -> Person -> keyword -> Memory -> Answer.

It’s like a boomerang of thoughts or a patchwork of expression. Awww, shucks, look at me, using my language teaching mumbo jumbo to define my inner elaboration. Excellent.

I’ve got a nasty habit of thinking about the past, I almost wrote pasty then, but I wouldn’t mind a pasty right now, but, that’s not the point. I’ve got a nasty habit of thinking about people from the past, events, regrets, and have trouble reminiscing old thoughts.

When, in fact, I never miss the person, and I think I simply miss those memories.

Since January I’ve been really good at just living in the now and not thinking of the past or the future. This has helped me improve this rather serious looking smile I sometimes plaster on my face and help me appropriate an intelligible idea of happiness. Honestly, I do get happy moments, please believe me! Ha.

Needless to say I think it’s time to put to rest the ghosts of my past, and finally super charge my tired mind into a stream of usefulness, integrity, and thoughtfulness, and all that other good, cushiony stuff that makes things better. You know the stuff.

So, the book of Dan, that was what we were talking about, right?


Rule 1: We don’t talk about the book of Da–

I mean, rule 1: Daniel is not one thing.

People have tried to define me as many things, and they’ve all been wrong. I’ve sought to describe myself and been wrong as well.

The closest anyone has ever gotten, was when I was called a fool by a woman eight or so years ago. The reason why I don’t see that in a negative light is that a fool is someone who is at the beginning of their journey. Able to walk in any direction, and not be bound to a single choice, journey, or have anything about themselves or their life/lives set in stone.

If I am anything, I am unpredictable and predictable. Maybe I’m predictably unpredictable. Jeez, mind-boggling, right? Not really. What’s wrong with you?

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I hope you enjoy my fat emblem.

Brilliant.

Anyway, I want to keep going positive, and have so much going on over summer, in the coming months, and even right now, so I’ll catch you later. *winky face*

I’m joking. Get over yourself. Not everything is about you, that’s why there’s a book of Dan… Jesus.

The almighty buzzkill

So, be it online dating, or offline dating, it’s been quite an interesting year or two. I’ve met a dozen or so people, and they were very different from one another, but also, some people have amazing similarities.

I mean, I’ve met 3 people, who have told me they are aggressive people, like, they can get physically aggressive, and throw a punch or two, and offer severe emotional discomfort when they feel uncomfortable, or annoyed…

That’s just what you want to hear when you leave a long-term abusive relationship, right?

So, when someone does tell me that they are aggressive, that’s it, spark over– may as well pissed over the fire that was interested in touching you– because that’s it. Gone.

Perhaps it’s wrong of me to be put off by people like that, but at the same time, I would be an idiot to enter a relationship with someone who was impulsive, and aggressive in one bundle. I mean, fuck me– how do these people mate?

Aggressively punching their way into sex? I’m not quite sure. But, it’s not my cup of tea, so far so, I’ll give tea up for coffee completely if tea drinkers are the naughty flaunty fighters.

I mean, it’s not like I’m looking for someone perfect, just, sometimes, things put me off people.

More insecurities than a heroin addicted chimp will put me off. Sure, we all got them, insecurities up the arse, but there’s a limit; surely. I mean, I have a child already and call me a prick, an asshole, or a dick, but there’s the point of love and the point of looking for someone to dress you in the morning. #notacareranymore .

So, yeah, I’m full of sass tonight. I apologise in advance, but I’m  sure you wouldn’t believe my sincerity.

Other than insecurity central, which, don’t get me wrong, I have a few myself, but surely, gotta ask, even though a “bitch ain’t one” you gotta wonder what those 99 other problems are, for example.

Then you meet some people who just want to stay in the same place forever, which, isn’t a bad thing but I not for me. I want to see the world, Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Iceland, Italy, Germany, Tibet, Japan, China, and Canada. Probably many more I’d love to visit, but I’d settle for moving to a few and visiting the rest.

Now, by this point you must be thinking, “So why are you looking for someone if you know you’ll be leaving this place, and going abroad?” Can’t expect anyone to go abroad with me, right? That’s what you’re thinking.

Well, I’ve been disappointed enough by other people who promised me everything, to plan my life around anyone else other than myself, and my daughter. But no, you’re right, I would think about what the other person wants, if they wanted to visit a country, not on my list, and stay there, you’d bet I’d consider it. But, I’m not staying in a place where I’m pretty sure God is trying to drown the bloody place at this point.

Anyway, I’m not after extravagant, or expensive… Maybe I’m looking for someone who has that element of not giving up. Can’t be too hard to find, right?

But hey, other than dating, life is going crazy enough as it is. From hailstorms to gaming tournaments, from mini golf to steak of the art, and from writing a novel, to airing it on YouTube.

So, it’s not like I really have time for anything serious I suppose. Lately, the arguments with people I meet after a couple of weeks are enough to put me off altogether. That being said, I met someone lovely, but they’re not interested in going abroad, which is fine, but I think I’ll kick myself forever if I don’t take up this opportunity to see the world.

I should just stick to my plan. Maybe when I wake up in the morning, I’ll have the motivation and self-drive that I had before the horrid start to my academic year. I got one test out of the way today and observed a friend’s lesson. Now, I’ll be doing mine next week, and that will be scary yet exhilarating. I can’t wait!

Time to work on portfolios, See ya. Welcome to my dating life, it sucks right?

I might have to invest in one of those life pillows and be done with it.

I just want to ask everyone who reads this blog a simple question…

Do you know how annoying it is to have the song “You got a friend in me” stuck in your head?

I do, and now you can, too. Here:

 

One warning, hopefully, no one takes offence to anything I write here, most of my writing contains sporadic, spur-of-the-moment thinking. Have a nice evening!!

I can’t wait to go back to the gym after all this panic about assignments is over!

Breaking self-made shackles

What decides a path that someone follows?

Is it the journey, their path, or is it their pain?

It could be all of them and it could be none.

Are our lives predetermined, or is everything impulsive, and wild like a forest fire?

I write this as I creep closer to my quarter-life-crisis. It won’t be long before I’ve been here for 25 years and sometimes I feel like the world is at my fingertips yet other times I get an overwhelming desire to walk away from the world and its fire.

I think the biggest journey for me, for this lifetime, was having a child. I made the mistake of having a child with someone who wasn’t sure of what she wanted and not even a second thought to the things you have to do, as opposed to the things you want to do. You see, with me the things that I have to do are easy. The things I want to do are harder. Sometimes they involved pushing people away so I can concentrate, or even giving myself enough space to push through the bristles of the brush that is life. You know, the one you try to squeeze through the gaps of when it tries to brush you away with each stroke.

I’ve spent so many years, already, being serious. Too long I’ve spent not smiling, and too long I’ve spent giving in to the negativity of this, that, or the other. Well, I’ve confronted metaphoric wolves, metaphoric foxes, metaphoric spiders, and metaphoric everything else. I mean–I don’t mean real wolves–of course. What I do mean though is that sometimes I can relate people to having anthropomorphic characteristics. Usually, you can tell who’s fierce and who is brave. You can tell who rushes into things head first and even the ones who save.

But, after spending over 2 years– trust me, it’s a long time for someone like me. Who talks and talks and talks, and thinks and thinks and thinks– They leave an imprint on you, like dirt on a blindingly white shirt. It marks you and takes a while for it to come off. When I finished that relationship I felt like I was wearing a white shirt that had more stains than white patches. But, you know what? Over the last couple of months, something strange had happened… something marvellous.

Sure, I’ve met new people and I’ve been to new places. I’ve started new things like YouTubing, and reading out my work. It makes me nervous but I like it… and it has helped. A lot, in fact. I think–no, I know I’m wearing a clean white shirt again and it’s time to put away the part of my life which I’d tried to hold onto for my daughter’s sake. Coming to the realisation that we’re better off without some people in our life has been the hardest decision for me to make but this is where I am now and I’m ready to move on with things.

So, sitting here today, in the library, and writing this– I’m in my second year — I’m loving it. I moan, and begrudge it at times but entirely… I don’t think I’ve smiled for this many consecutive days before and there’s no reason not to. Literally.

I don’t know what it is…

It could be the fact that I feel like I’m getting somewhere…

It could be because my daughter tells me she loves me twelve times a day…

It could be because I’m finally doing things I want to do…

It could be because I’m actually allowing myself to be happy…

I had a conversation with my friend yesterday, and we talked about how I’m not trying to control myself in every conversation… just… FUCK IT. Fuck trying to put a mask on or trying so hard to fit in, or even FUCK trying to ‘get serious’ and just have fun.

If you can’t have fun it isn’t worth doing.

Remember: The only person who can change your view is yourself, and that’s up to you.

 

Balanced? I think not.

So, sometimes I feel as warm as the sun, and other times, I’m as cool as a cucumber (excuse the pun), as cold as ice… (We’re never going to get anywhere like this)… at sub-zero… I’ll show myself out… Here’s a door:

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I mean, just look at today…

It’s warm outside, warm in my soul… I mean, steering back to reality: It’s been a fun day; I took my daughter out to Cardiff bay, along with my buddy Conor.

Hey, look it’s Conor!

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Well, no it’s not Conor.

Maybe slightly less hair.

Anyway, moving on; see what I mean? I told you we’ll not get anywhere tonight.

So, I want to seriously start by stating that I lost a friend today. After arranging for her to visit in September, I realised that she was using me for a bit of a back-up plan with a few friends that she felt awkward around at the time, and I could see her changing her mind about a lot of things, and messing me around. The worst thing was that she pretended to like me more than a friend, so I’d say yes to her coming, which is ridiculous, I mean if she just said she wanted to be friends I would have been more than happy to let her stay. I’m just that type of person. Cool-beans, right? (tragic)

Anyway, with that out of the way, I burned that bridge real good, ended that friendship because that’s a big no-no to me, and if I didn’t end it there I would be goose-stepping into another despicably annoying situation (Heh, walking like a goose, can you imagine?)

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Here’s a picture of a goose, just in case you can’t. (Heh, this one looks like he’s having a giggle, or holding someone up for bread)

Anyway, with that out of the way, my stress was halved, and I had a brilliant day, filled with sunshines and rainbows… I mean look at this:

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I told you, see the rainbow, taste the rainbow. (Okay, seriously now, I will stop)

Anyway, in conclusion to my day, it’s been a pretty interesting one, and Conor is visiting me for a while, and it’s been pretty nice having someone around to talk to in the evenings as I’ve been alone most of the summer… in the evening anyway. So… it’s still a little adjustment though, being around someone else in this house is strange. It’s alien, aside from having my daughter here of course, and we all have to get used to the way things work. That’s life though.

Anyway, aside from a moody hour or two this evening, today has been a great day and I’m looking forward to doing many more things over the next year which includes going canoeing again, stepping onto the clubbing scene (How you doin’?)

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Okay, I lied about stopping the puns. That one was a classic though, can you blame me?

Anyway, I’ve had enough days where I can call different shades of shit and it is definitely time to change the way I see my days now, and move on.

I had a conversation with an ex of mine over trying again, and I couldn’t take a single step down that road; she messaged me, and all I could think about was how awkward it was reading the words she wrote. I knew she hadn’t ‘changed’ I mean, a leopard and it’s spots and all that jazz.

Here’s a leopard:

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Look! This one has a happy hat.

Anyway, back on point; it’s easy to say yes to something that won’t work, because you may miss someone, or even have some form of inclin of memory, but it takes a better person to say no to something that you do not feel 100% about, regardless of how it affects them, or yourself, knowing it will only make things worse. If you have to ruin yourself to help another, you’re doing it wrong, and I certainly do value my sanity recently.

Furthermore? Yes, there’s more, always is.

I want to work on myself, I know I’ve been belching the same theme for the last three months, but it’s imperative that we all work on ourselves, and after a decent chat with a friend through fb this evening, I understand that this is something I definitely want to do, seeking happiness for yourself, is a must. For, you do not want to enter a relationship, depending on the other person for happiness, it’s not what it is about. Even if it takes 20 years for me to find that place in my life, I don’t care. If someone comes along and adds to my life, not take away, I’ll be fine, but I won’t be compromising my own happiness, anymore. Fuck the ghosts of my past, they are ghosts for a reason, and now… on that note… they can perish like the mother fuckers they are.

Hasta la vista, mujeres.

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So, those of the people in my life who walk with me on this journey of mine for the better, are more than welcome. I will always be there for those who treat me with respect. I know a certain person will read this, and feel a bit worried, if she isn’t covering her face with a very hard slapping hand right now… but, here’s a message to the people in my life who really are trying to add to it, I don’t know where I’d be without you all:

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One day I will find the ying to my yang, but until then, I’ll stride on the waves of life.

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I’ll see you around, cowboys/cowgirls.

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Daily Prompt: Complicated

via Daily Prompt: Complicated

Complicated…

What is complicated?

Complicated is dangerous, though complicated is something that I would purport to be, I’m actually rather simple, but my thoughts can get complicated.

Perhaps it’s because I see things in different ways, or the fact that my brain refuses to switch off… All I know is that I make a lot of trouble for myself.

I’d recently had a conversation about my stubbornness. I argued with the girl and said it was important to me, also relating to the post: Stubbornness. Stubbornness isn’t the right word for it though. The right word for this is tenacity. Being tenacious is something that comes naturally to me, though as of late, there have been shifts of feeling tenacious, and then suddenly feel a lack of resolve, and almost feel like I’m drifting, and that feeling is hard to explain to the people around me, and lately, I’ve had arguments with people over it, because one minute I’m the nicest, most enthusiastic person around, and the next I’m moody, distant and not bothered.

The problem is, see, that I’m always bothered, always there, so I get this mixed feeling of worry how I will somehow annoy someone because of the way I am, and that even telling them that i experience these things, not being understood in that way and then getting assumed that I find everything easy to handle. Now, sure, from the outside view, you may think I have a firm grip on everything, but sometimes, I can’t walk outside without feeling my hands shake, so, arguments are the last thing I need, because I distance myself away from people so much so that I find it difficult letting them back in. Imagine me having a coat of armour around my body, and never taking it off. Every time I feel pushed into a corner it gets thicker, and thicker. Eventually, there’s very little of me that I let you see, however, I would want nothing more than someone to walk straight through it and dismantle the pieces.

That’s being complicated.

State of my year

This year has been an interesting one. In fact, so interesting, that I feel like I’ve fallen off the rails three times already. I mean, Jesus, some of the situations I’ve faced this year have been absolutely bonkers. BONKERS I TELL YOU! Did that feel like I shouted at you? Good,  we’ll need that for later.

So, January was an interesting month to come back to. I had Christmas at my parents house in December, and after going back to University, I found that the girl I spent most of my time with, before Christmas, just disappeared from existence, even though I saw her in class, sometimes, anyway. I mean, at one point, I felt like shouting, “COME ON, WHAT HAVE I DONE!?” and when we did talk, it was very awkward, we avoided eye contact, though she still got jealous with my ridiculously harmless flirting with others when she was around. It was a conundrum indeed. Actually, I don’t think she knows how much that messed with my head, because before Christmas, we were spending 1/2, or 1/3 days together, and when I say that, I mean, the whole day. After we returned to University in January, it went down to a 20 minute coffee every 3 weeks. But, I suppose, that’s what happens when you tell someone how you feel.

In January, I also got myself into a difficult situation where I was trying to be there for a friend, but I ended up getting blamed for a problem that wasn’t my fault. It was just a shitty situation that had gone on too long, due to whatever reason, or most likely, people interfering. It taught me a lot about what to help people with, and what not to help people with. Relationships? THEY ARE A BIG NO-NO. See? Shouting that out, doesn’t that make you feel better?

So, anyway, in February, I got so upset, and distant, that I disappeared, and my cry for help was when I drank a copious amount of liquor, and drunk messaged everyone. I mean, I acted happy, but not a single one of the people who told me they knew me, and knew me well, noticed. Aside from a girl who was a very new friend at the time. I talked about this moment a dozen times, but I will always remember this moment as the time where I found someone I wanted to hold onto.

She came to my house one evening, and told me she read my posts, which were pretty dark at the time, and she demanded some answers, and started to cry over the idea that I couldn’t talk to anyone, and not her about my problems, even though she spilled her problems onto the table the second day we met. It was cute, and memorable. I’m pretty sure I fell for her quickly, though I told myself I wouldn’t, or tried to hide it well, anyway. But, we just had way too much fun, and what not.

In March, she was the only person to buy me a gift for my birthday, aside from having a card from my parents. Sure, I don’t expect anything from anyone. But even the people I bought presents for earlier in the year, or even a month or two before, didn’t even see me for my birthday, so I felt pretty alone. Though the girl couldn’t come over for my birthday, she bought me a lion teddy, to remind me of her because she dressed up in a lion-onesie one day, and knew I found it funny.

In the earlier months of the year I found it difficult to enjoy my time at University. I found the classes either boring, and very fruitless, or I found that they were telling us we should understand this, but it was something they hadn’t even mentioned, or not directed us to where to find the information. Then again, I was put off some of the reading because of the same reasons. It was very encumbering, and I fell into a rut.

My friend kept coming around, and trying to make me feel better, bless her. Actually, most of the beginning months of the year, the good parts, are based around her. It’s sad, in a way, but pleasant in another. I remember dancing with her in my kitchen, and spinning her around. I remember her yelling at me, or knowing what I wanted before I knew. It’s incredible when you get close enough to someone that you understand each other in a way that requires no communication.

Anyway, in April, I started coming back into social circles, and putting my face out there, again. It wasn’t much, but it was a start, though it put me off again, when everyone practically ignored me every time I spoke, and so I gave up on the group we had on Facebook. what is the point in having a group if everyone ignores you, right?

So, I started focusing on me. I managed to pull myself out of my rut, I had a girlfriend, (not the friend) but it didn’t go well, for two reasons. I may have been in love with someone else (Pretty big one, I know.) and two, she bored the hell out of me. I couldn’t talk to her, and all she wanted to do was watch television. AGAIN, BIG NO NO! Ha-ha, I bet you still read that as me shouting at you. In fact, I found more affection from the girl who had become a close friend, than I did my partner at the time. It meant that I had to break up with my partner, which I did. So, that was a very short 4 week relationship. But hey, at least I was being honest with myself.

Moving on, I told my best friend the truth, and how I felt. And she told me she couldn’t, because of several reasons, one being her leaving soon, and another one I won’t talk about online. But, alas, we still got closer, and perhaps it was a natural thing, once feelings are aired. So, in June, I ‘made’ (she came by choice, but didn’t like to tell me) her come to a BBQ/party we had. And that’s when it hit off between us. My fault, I thought I’d be nice, to take her upstairs, and I planned to sleep downstairs with the guys, because there were two other guys in the house, and she grabbed my hand before we left. I won’t go into anymore detail about that, but lets just say, it took about 4 weeks after she left the country (went back home after her year stay here), to get over it. For me, anyway.

What I found was that she didn’t care about what happened, and she did it for me. It hurt me, like a knife to my heart. Really. But, I survived it, and though it tarnished my motivational triumph of finally getting my ass to the gym, I found myself living my day around her talking to me for a while too. I had to get some space from her, so I did just that. Now, we talk very little, just now and then. I had an argument with her on the weekend, which allowed me to see her just as a friend, and though we are okay as friends, we are just that, and we won’t ever be more than that. I’m completely okay with that though. The way things went, it wouldn’t be a good relationship if we did try. As it wasn’t very virtuous to begin with.

That being said, I’m sure she’s trying her best to be my friend. We are getting along, but that’s that.

So here I am, I had been to the gym for nine weeks, and lost 5KG, that’s all. I have much more muscle now, and feel better in myself. The plan is to jog three times a week, and I’ve come to a point where I feel comfortable enough in myself to believe, trust, and honour myself. The only people I have to worry about, presently, are myself, and my daughter.

That being said, I’ve found myself getting closer to an ex partner of mine, who I dated in 2013, and we’ve been good friends since. My Swedish Lady friend. She’s coming to visit me in September, and who knows, maybe things will improve drastically over the next few months, and though we are not expecting anything to happen, it will be a lovely surprised to see her again. It has definitely been too long.

So, over-all, I have much to do this summer, including actually reading the books I promised myself I would read, improve my grammar, and lexis and phonology, and become a better me. I already feel that happening. If anyone tries to interrupt that, or halt my path, I will move around you, jump over you, or just walk through you, and change you from someone who is in my life, to someone who is now a ghost of my past.

To end this post, I would like to state that I met many people on a short two week course I had in July, where I met many people I would love to meet again. Perhaps, I’ll have a holiday in Spain next year, and we could all meet up for a meal again. I’ve never been with so many people that we had a meal between 24-30 of us, but it was amazing, and an experience I will definitely not forget.

So, this has been my catch-up year. I’ve gained friends, I’ve lost friends, I lost myself, and found myself, I’ve been scraping the bottom of my motivation, and now I’m on fire, so to speak. NO DIRTY JOKES, COME NOW. Ha, I bet you read that shouting, again. It never gets old. But, over-all, I’ve come to rely on myself, and that, has been a more important lesson to me, than anything else I have experienced this year. It means that when my second year starts, I will be in a position to manage everything that comes my way, good, or bad.

So, bring it on.

Sanctuary

In response to Sanctuary

Sanctuary…

Sanctuary is the place you feel most safe, a place away from the dangers of the world. A haven, from the living, and the dead. A sanctuary is a place where we find comfort, a place where we find peace.

I will write about sanctuary in the terms of Thomas’ story, in the universe of the novel I’m planning.

There was once, once upon a time, where I found sanctuary. It felt brief, almost like the fleeting warmth of a beautiful dream, or the disappearing memory of someone’s touch. I did not feel safe in my home. A place where much death had taken place, and the place where my father taught my how to struggle, and how to kill. That place, took what innocence I had left-no, it was not my sanctuary. I did not feel safe in the biggest castle, or out on the furthest reaches of the sea. I did not find comfort drinking myself to sleep, in the merriest of inns, or the drunkest of halls. I thought I felt at home, when I stood on top of a mountain side, but when I stood there alone, I felt nothing but whispers in the wind. That was the moment I realised I had already found my sanctuary, but also lost it, too. That was when I had discovered that my sanctuary was you. For me, my sanctuary was a person, not a place. The person who you felt safest with, most at home. That person who made everything feel right. My sanctuary was always moving, for it was not something built, or part of the ground we walked on. Even in my darkest moment, or when I stood facing my strongest adversary, or even when I was broken into a hundred pieces, what kept me together was you. For that, I will never be able to repay you.

So, that is what sanctuary means to me. Is it a place for you? Or is it a person you’ve already met, or have yet to meet?