Water, oh noes, lemme smash, and TEST TEST

I’ve had one brilliant day today; a really good one. Flippin’ heck, as my teacher would say. Lots of things on the list of this evening’s post.

Firstly, I know we all play hot and cold due to having our very dynamic and varying moods, but it’s been a real pleasure getting to know someone new lately, in fact, I’d say it’s the most I’ve talked to someone in a few years, and if any of you know anything about me, that means more to me than looks, intellect of the ability to provide satisfaction, (tell me you didn’t say satisfaction in your head like in the song?).

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Moving on from that and onto my canoeing adventure today! I went out with my best buddy Conor to have a fairly fun experience canoeing down the River Wye. So, we didn’t stop off at the pub, and it was Conor’s first experience canoeing! Ha-ha, something to remember, and amongst certain conversations and a long conversation with him about someone he met, and teasing him with the meme ‘lemme smash’ which will be shown at the bottom of the post. (you’re welcome). We spent a few hours rowing down the river, and we spent a few hours, including breakfast getting there this morning.

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One of my friends, Liz, took us there, and we had a chat with her and her mum. It was a nice catch-up and I remembered why I missed seeing them so much, she used to be my neighbour and we used to see each other every day, and now, I hadn’t seen her in about a year, maybe two. That will definitely have to change!

So, after finishing the course and heading home, we missed the bus and had time so we had a lovely meal at ‘The Punch House’ in Monmouth where we ate a taverner’s chicken meal, which was what we would call Huntsman chicken, ha, can’t fool me.

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After wasting some time, we went home. I’ll be honest, the bartender scared me a little. Either she was in a mad rush, and the boss of all things in that place, or she just simply didn’t like us. Maybe she knew we weren’t from there. Who the heck knows.

After leaving Monmouth at about 4:30, we fell asleep on the bus, waking up now and then, in Usk and then Caerleon before getting back to Newport. Jeez, such a long trip. We headed to the train station and heard of a fatality halting some of the trains.

When it comes to death I feel callous and cold, and I had the opinion that people die every day, why feel sad over another one? And, I think if there was ever a Sims 3 friendship sign above our heads, it would’ve been a negative one above Conor’s. He was quite conflicted about how to feel about it. I suppose that’s the difference when you hear about several deaths on the tracks, compared to the first time. I may be a little heartless but I appreciate the tender look at life in cases like that.

After a good day out we went our separate ways, and I almost missed my stop by falling asleep, again. I got off and headed home. I realised how burnt I was, and have red marks down my wrists, face and kneecaps. I do have a tan line on my left wrist from my watch, which amused me for a little while. I know, it’s the little things, right?

I sat down for a bit, talked to a few people, casually said goodbye to two people that had been communicating with me for a while but with empty words, as if they felt they had to but weren’t interested in getting anywhere with me. I didn’t feel much about that, I guess I’m getting used to saying it now– who knows whether that’s a good thing or not.

 

In other news, I unboxed my delivery and opened my grey pair of trousers, white shirt, and waistcoat waiting for me. I’ve got to look professional when going to teach on Monday, haven’t I? Ha-ha.

Finally,

I’ve been testing out a different style of writing, one in which I don’t fluff around with the words and get straight to the point until it comes to an area of immense drama, to create a more intense atmosphere when needed.

My teacher gave my some good advice and she said, “you can’t start off with a nuclear explosion and then go back to normal.” It made a lot of sense to me.

Here’s a sample of what I’ve written, what do you think?

 

                He made her a promise; that he did, a contract so to speak, though it was more of a death wish with that woman. Thomas was a fool who promised the world a new skin. Everyone, including he knew it was impossible but still he pledged his services at an early age to a lady who caught his eye. Probably the gold of a fool that kept his eyes shining. A fool’s gold usually gets him killed, and this one will, probably.

Twelve years old, a year earlier than the rest, Thomas, a boy of pale skin, fine brown hair, and piercing green eyes knelt before a girl not a day older. She was a little different, like the consort to the most impeccable innocence. Far-stretching, but true just the same. She had raven-black hair and sapphires for eyes. She granted him a dance, and a fine one at that. They never touched, not once, but when shuffling around one another like a pair of mating birds they were connecting, something more serious, and only a touch more dangerous.

A promise is a promise and that’s just what he did, and when he leant in, their faces almost touched, but he was close enough to use that silver-tongue for something, “Open your window after the dance and come with me for a walk please?”

The young lady smiled, Freya was her name, and she liked his arrogance, and admired his courage. That was dangerous, too; more so. The men in the room chuckled, and drank themselves to sleep telling each other stories of how big and bad they were during the last war. Trinson told stories about how he stood as the big scary wolf with lightning-fast reflexes. Nilvar told stories about how he charged through a hundred men like a mighty boar with his hammer. There were seven others, whose names were not important, not to Thomas, at least, and that’s the one who stayed awake. He was watchful of Alaric’s ire, a boy a few years older who had an eye for the same girl as he, yet could not pluck the courage out of the air around him like Thomas could. Thomas had plenty of that, and if he could have only plenty of one thing it would certainly be courage. He was a fool after all.

Everyone retired to their chambers, filling the rooms of a usually empty castle, and instead of having cold stone walls like it typically felt like, it felt warm. The corridors were littered with standing torches and Thomas had to be careful. He opened the door to his chamber, cracking it open an inch before freezing. His father, Trinson turned, burping and farting his way back to sleep.

So, that’s that. I’m tired, and about to head to bed. If I’ve forgotten anything…. ah yes…

lemme smash:

It could be argued my friend is very much in this situation. heh.

Daily Prompt: Vice

via Daily Prompt: Vice

Vice…

We all have that one thing that hinders us, pushes us, lunges for us like a caged animal. The thing about a vice is that it is the dark hand on your shoulder that has a hold on you, causes your addiction, that face you pull when you smile into darkness, and it holds you in such a prison the bars seem invisible, but they are everywhere, in everything.

It can be a pull on your mind, a pull on your body, or a pull on your soul… a craving, a desire, something that draws you, and takes you in it’s arms. Drugs? alcohol? desire?

So, when do you wake up from your melancholic rage? Your sanguine desire? When do you wake up, and remember that your vice doesn’t have control of you? Can you? Can you escape the darkness once you’ve tasted it? Or is it a matter of time, just a “how long can you hold your breath?” until the tides roll over you, suffocate you, and pull you under the depths of confrontation with your demons.

Vice…

We are a collection of memories; if you could look at all of yours in a single moment, would you smile? or would you cry?

See you around cowboy/girls

PQ3z81k

Balanced? I think not.

So, sometimes I feel as warm as the sun, and other times, I’m as cool as a cucumber (excuse the pun), as cold as ice… (We’re never going to get anywhere like this)… at sub-zero… I’ll show myself out… Here’s a door:

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I mean, just look at today…

It’s warm outside, warm in my soul… I mean, steering back to reality: It’s been a fun day; I took my daughter out to Cardiff bay, along with my buddy Conor.

Hey, look it’s Conor!

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Well, no it’s not Conor.

Maybe slightly less hair.

Anyway, moving on; see what I mean? I told you we’ll not get anywhere tonight.

So, I want to seriously start by stating that I lost a friend today. After arranging for her to visit in September, I realised that she was using me for a bit of a back-up plan with a few friends that she felt awkward around at the time, and I could see her changing her mind about a lot of things, and messing me around. The worst thing was that she pretended to like me more than a friend, so I’d say yes to her coming, which is ridiculous, I mean if she just said she wanted to be friends I would have been more than happy to let her stay. I’m just that type of person. Cool-beans, right? (tragic)

Anyway, with that out of the way, I burned that bridge real good, ended that friendship because that’s a big no-no to me, and if I didn’t end it there I would be goose-stepping into another despicably annoying situation (Heh, walking like a goose, can you imagine?)

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Here’s a picture of a goose, just in case you can’t. (Heh, this one looks like he’s having a giggle, or holding someone up for bread)

Anyway, with that out of the way, my stress was halved, and I had a brilliant day, filled with sunshines and rainbows… I mean look at this:

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I told you, see the rainbow, taste the rainbow. (Okay, seriously now, I will stop)

Anyway, in conclusion to my day, it’s been a pretty interesting one, and Conor is visiting me for a while, and it’s been pretty nice having someone around to talk to in the evenings as I’ve been alone most of the summer… in the evening anyway. So… it’s still a little adjustment though, being around someone else in this house is strange. It’s alien, aside from having my daughter here of course, and we all have to get used to the way things work. That’s life though.

Anyway, aside from a moody hour or two this evening, today has been a great day and I’m looking forward to doing many more things over the next year which includes going canoeing again, stepping onto the clubbing scene (How you doin’?)

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Okay, I lied about stopping the puns. That one was a classic though, can you blame me?

Anyway, I’ve had enough days where I can call different shades of shit and it is definitely time to change the way I see my days now, and move on.

I had a conversation with an ex of mine over trying again, and I couldn’t take a single step down that road; she messaged me, and all I could think about was how awkward it was reading the words she wrote. I knew she hadn’t ‘changed’ I mean, a leopard and it’s spots and all that jazz.

Here’s a leopard:

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Look! This one has a happy hat.

Anyway, back on point; it’s easy to say yes to something that won’t work, because you may miss someone, or even have some form of inclin of memory, but it takes a better person to say no to something that you do not feel 100% about, regardless of how it affects them, or yourself, knowing it will only make things worse. If you have to ruin yourself to help another, you’re doing it wrong, and I certainly do value my sanity recently.

Furthermore? Yes, there’s more, always is.

I want to work on myself, I know I’ve been belching the same theme for the last three months, but it’s imperative that we all work on ourselves, and after a decent chat with a friend through fb this evening, I understand that this is something I definitely want to do, seeking happiness for yourself, is a must. For, you do not want to enter a relationship, depending on the other person for happiness, it’s not what it is about. Even if it takes 20 years for me to find that place in my life, I don’t care. If someone comes along and adds to my life, not take away, I’ll be fine, but I won’t be compromising my own happiness, anymore. Fuck the ghosts of my past, they are ghosts for a reason, and now… on that note… they can perish like the mother fuckers they are.

Hasta la vista, mujeres.

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So, those of the people in my life who walk with me on this journey of mine for the better, are more than welcome. I will always be there for those who treat me with respect. I know a certain person will read this, and feel a bit worried, if she isn’t covering her face with a very hard slapping hand right now… but, here’s a message to the people in my life who really are trying to add to it, I don’t know where I’d be without you all:

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One day I will find the ying to my yang, but until then, I’ll stride on the waves of life.

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I’ll see you around, cowboys/cowgirls.

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A Father’s Duty P.1

It had been two years since I said goodbye to you. Two years since I had last seen your face. I would say I had hoped that you would endure the recent winter. It was harsh, and you were alone, but I know you; I didn’t need to hope- I knew you would survive.

My son would be two years old now. I had been doing my last duty as the King’s hand, and guardian of Sweden. I had been in a state of peril for far too long. Danish troops had infiltrated our land, and have been working their way north. I can’t figure out what they’re searching for though. They seem precise, only killing people who have direct connection to certain people. I am not quite sure who that is though.

My name is Trinson Vargr, and I have been on their trail for the last year. I have tallied twenty seven soldiers in my book. I should not need to fight. I should return to the King, while I still can. I’ve been watching this group move, for some time, and after today, I will be able to go home, for I’m sure that the leader of the group will show up.

“Lennart, where do you want the black powder?”

Lennart? I pondered. It couldn’t be the little boy that I spared in the war, could it? Son of King Harold. “That bastard. I knew I should’ve killed him.” I needed to get a closer look, and a description of him. I scaled into the trees. I had already set-up small iron nails, to help me climb. They had been in place for weeks. My white cloak was now full of mud, and I looked more like a swamp-monster, than a white wolf.

I looked around me, and aside from the tall ash trees, that I balanced on, I observed the twenty or so men stacking weapons, shields, and repairing their armour. They were preparing for battle. I needed to leave, to report to the King, but also, I needed to see whether this was the same kid I let live.

“Lennart, the black powder is in place.” a soldier announced to someone standing behind the tent.

I looked to the tree next to me, it was close enough to jump to. I had to get eyes on him. I pressed my hand firmly against the bark of the tree. I weighed myself down, on the thicker branch, and leaped across. My hands reached the tree, but I slipped. I scuffed my boots on the bark, and grazed my hands. It was nothing. Luckily, I remained unnoticed. I waited for the man to get back up, he was bent over behind the tent, checking the containers. When he stood up, it could easily be seen. The square jaw of a man of stature. The well-combed thin blonde hair, and the same complexion as his father, King Harold. This was Prince Lennart. The younger brother over the present King of Denmark.

“He must be here as an act of espionage.” I muttered.

He had grown so much. He stood perhaps a whole foot higher than his father. “Perhaps, six foot seven. By Thor, he’s practically a giant.”

A soldier approached the tree I was clung to. I was well hidden, and thanks to the leaves, I remained so. I had the information I needed, now I needed to leave…

 

Words of the day

Now, I thought it’d be nice to have a little message, each day for people who need a helping hand, or to know that someone cares.

And here it is:

Whenever you feel like giving up, whether it because you have felt like death has followed you lately, or whether you feel like your friends have abandoned you, or even if you simply feel alone. Know that there are people who are there to speak to. But more importantly, don’t forget to speak to yourself.

You might think that is strange, and I don’t mean in the slightly scary way of Schizophrenic battles of the mind, but remember to listen to yourself, for what you think you want, can be so much different from what you need. Do you need some space? some isolation to get over something? Then give yourself it, don’t cling to other people, just sigh, give a deep breath, and have a day to yourself.

What you’ll find is that you’ll have a moment of realization, where that puzzle in your head fixes itself, because you allowed yourself some time to accept the events that have happened, and you will be open to moving forward, rather than being stuck, alongside the ghosts of your past.

And when you feel you need someone to talk to, and if you don’t have anyone there, I will be. Remember, that is all starts with you.

So…

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will.

Just a ripple in the ocean

The problems I keep coming across is that I find getting close to people who don’t really care that much about me. I mean, don’t get me wrong… sometimes I come across friends who try, for a while, or I come across people who tell me they are always there, but in actual fact is anyone really there when you need them?

When you’re sat up thinking, even when you mention it to those friends who tell you once a week that they are there for you. I find myself dealing with every problem I ever come across, alone. Whether it be because the people around me are too busy to reply, or whether being there for me is just what they think I want to hear. Who knows, really. 

What I will say though, is that whenever I ultimately put my trust in someone and start believing in someone, that they will be there for me when I need them I find it drives a wedge between us. 

What I have come to realise lately is that sometimes we hold onto things, people and idealisms that put more darkness into our souls than light. That for me, is where I have my downfall.

I hold onto people from my past, even when I think I don’t. Giving an example: The person I used to tell everything to. What I find is that I get asked about my problems for gossip sake, as opposed to actually trying to help. Sometimes, it does help just to write them out to someone, but in most cases, it doesn’t.

Now, there are others who let me talk for the world but have nothing to say. Now, I appreciate the fact people listen, but I want someone who can give as much as they take… so to speak. I don’t want to talk about me, I want to know about you. 

Now, as of late, for the better part of a year I feel that I have lacked a certain substance in my conversations. It is like people are so defensive they can’t talk openly with people anymore. Even words so simple as, “how are you?” get a dodgy reply of “why?” and anything further? just seems to them like you are digging for gold…

All I know is that for everyday I get ignored, or people looking at me stupid for being nice, or assuming I am after something because I am not afraid of complimenting someone, I feel more attuned to understanding, and trusting myself. It will get to a point where I will stop trying with these people. So, when I read your words and don’t reply, when I stop saying goodnight, and good morning, when I stop trying… Then you’ll know you’re one of the people that pushed me towards self-reliance, and loss oh hope in those who have crossed paths with me.

I will always be there for as many people as I can, but it is about time I stop being a sap for people to piss on when they “find someone better”.
So, whether we have not yet crossed paths, or have crossed paths already, if you don’t like this post, then prove me wrong?
Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will. This is just one brick in a very long wall. 
It is time I move on from the ghosts of my past.

On fire

So… the post I wrote yesterday was an explanation of how I write when I’m tired. By that, I mean, I talk the most bullshit when I am more exhausted than a squirrel that is on-a-down from drinking a barrel full of coffee. Furthermore, when I wrote an email to someone, I had to erase six paragraphs because I started writing about the war. What war you ask? I have fought no war. So, a little note for me:

Don’t write when you’re tired. Doughnut.

Now that that is out of the way. Let us carry on.

Where to begin, where to start? This morning, I woke up, still tired, but in a good mood. I forgot to wash my clothes as I had a long weekend away and I’ve just put them up now, so I couldn’t go to the gym. I cleaned my house instead. It’s been a good sweep. I found some cool stuff I forgot, and my wardrobe collapsed on me when I tried to move it. If you’re thinking of taking the easy way out by moving a canvas wardrobe with all the clothes still in there… don’t. It will end in your demise, sort of.

Other than moving stuff around, it has been a little bit of a slow day. I have come back to my mountain behaviour, and I will get up tomorrow, and things will return to the way they were.

The thing I realised over the weekend is that there is an underlying something, that’s just not talked about with my brother, because when we went out in the evening, I found that he met many people he knew, and stood in front of me when talking to them. To top it off, he never introduced me to a single person, aside from someone who knew my parents, but that’s because they greeted me.

It was a surprising realisation as he’s always so quick to meet my friends, and people I know… But hey, I guess that is just the way it is.

Other than that, I am aiming to walk forward, and improve myself, just as I started out trying to. Focus on myself for a change, as even when I tell myself to, I seem to always digress onto other people. It would be nice if I could concentrate for longer than five minutes.

Even though I’m working on myself, this will always stand:

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will; this is but one brick in a very long wall.

Fuck you Brexit

I’m not really sure where to start this evening. I have have had a week of ups and downs, and they just keep coming! It has been apparent that I am not liked, by the creator/god/gods/fates, or whoever the fuck is in charge. Aside from bat-shit crazy dreams, and 5 days of gym I received a confirmation about a past event, which was just, upsetting really, I have had a shit time, over-all really. Enduring one terrible argument, and almost getting into another the morning after, and, to top it all off, my country, the UK, decided to leave Europe. If I had eggs in a basket, I would throw them at someone. So, let us dive into the points.

The dreams

During the last few nights, I’ve had some pretty chilling dreams. Remember the post I wrote about my door swinging open? I did something a few nights ago, quite possibly making things worse. I decided to force a dream through meditation, and it took two nights, and three hours each interval to get it right. After going back to the dream, I tried to make sense of it, and challenge the people in it. I’m not going into details, but I think I’m better off because of it. That being said, I am reminded of an event that happened last year, of which, I gave myself a moment out of my day today, to think about. Anyway, putting that back in the shelf of the lost and forgotten, lets move on.

On the fifth day

So, I decided to attend the gym five days in a row this week. It actually was not as bad as I thought it would be. It started off well on Monday. Tuesday, I forgot to eat breakfast, and grew lightheaded. Wednesday, I had another good session and Thursday I had a short session, as I was running late. Friday, today, was okay. I started to feel the exhaustion today, that, and running on three hours sleep is not a good thing. Other than that, I feel the need to congratulate myself for getting through a week of gym, without giving up.(Now for the rest of summer) The first week is always the worst… right?

A losing battle

Now, I won’t pretend to understand women, and I won’t pretend to understand anything one hundred percent. Heck, I surprise myself half of the time, and at the moment, I’ve been struggling with some emotions.

I feel like I need to tell you all the truth, and as much as I’m trying to be like a mountain, I’ve had a really bad week full of bloody emotions… It started on Monday, and when you spend four hours with someone, practically laughing and smiling with someone, you can’t help but look into their eyes and see something more than nothing.

Note: I’d just like to point out that I’m trying my best to let go of a love in my life, because it it will never work, and is clearly not reciprocated.

Now, last night I had a late night conversation with someone, and it was just friendly and nice, and we talked about different things, and we brought up the idea of intimacy. The problem with this topic, is the fact that something happened between us a month ago which I was given very little explanation, and as much to my expectation, she was avoiding the topic when I asked her questions about it. She made a joke about me, and I made one back. The snap was the start of the conversation, and she got funny with me.

Anyway, we had a four hour argument, practically saying a lot of stuff we did, or didn’t mean, I’m not a hundred percent sure. But, I’ve got some answers, and I can put that chapter of my life to rest properly now. I don’t feel comfortable with how she felt about what happened between us, and truth be told, I feel like a giant mistake. That being said, I got quite rude last night, from being upset about it, and she reacted badly back. Now, this is someone who at the best of times we reflect off each other so well, but well, we found out we react terribly when we are at our worst.

Anyway, after a lot of tears, from both sides, I fell asleep, and she thought I ignored her… It didn’t help the fact that before I fell asleep I said the words, “I’m done with this, I can’t deal with this anymore.”… and something dawned on me… as much as we were both being horrible to each other, we had no intention of walking away from one another, as friends. We just wanted to be in each other’s lives. So, I couldn’t understand why she was being so horrible (I was being horrible back, and started the conversation in the first place) So, I understand that now…

Besides, when you hear the worst thing you could possibly hear from someone it can feel like you don’t know them at all. The problem is, I have a problem withholding things I shouldn’t say. As in, I say it all, straight away, there and then… like an idiot. Something I thought I was over, but what can I say, this girl knows how to get under my skin with her words, and I had to say something.

So, this morning, I explained some stuff, and we have yet to finish the conversation as she ran out of data… but… once that conversation is done, I will be officially closing a chapter of my life, and letting go of her. We will stay friends, but I’ll be moving past it. I just feel uncomfortable feeling how I do. In fact, I learnt something about myself, the fact that I always seem to fall for people who I know will hurt me. It seems to be a terrible habit. It’s sort of like looking down into a river, from the top of a bridge and saying, “I’ll probably die if I jump” but you shrug your shoulders and jump anyway.

The problem with this was that I hit a concrete floor, luckily enough though, I think we’ll be okay. I can’t deal with anyone right now. I really, really can’t, and she, and a few others have helped me realise this.

Brexit Brexoff.

Now, to top off my week, the UK left Europe today. I’m fucked off with this result because frankly, we are floating on reputation as it is already.

  1. We are a tiny, tiny country, and though was once great when we conquered, and owned much more land, we are no longer that way, and have very little power.
  2. We have little export. Sure, we do provide some mechanical equipment, and whatever else… but from what we used to have, in terms of industry, we have very little.
  3. We are not America. Independence may have worked for America, but America is 100x the size of Britain… It also has so much more of a diverse production.
  4. We are leaving the EU because of a hundred and one reasons, many of which immigration comes to mind. I think this is a load of bollocks and the people who voted for this reason should really look at themselves in the mirror, and realise that the EU has nothing to do with ‘problematic immigrants causing trouble’ and people ‘bringing their child brides into the country’ in fact, no country in the EU allows child brides for one…
  5. We have let the bad guys win. Every ass-hole to date wanted ‘independence’ and started this shit over something stupid, to blame someone else than themselves for the problems that are happening in Britain.
  6. Much of the reason for Brexit was ‘To make Britain great again’ now… I would love to meet the guy who came up with the saying, and ram my fist down his throat, and remove his tongue, and possibly a heart. If he had one… but how dumb can anyone fucking be. Our greatness, came from slavery, coal, iron, and steel. It came from military might, and our empire is in pieces, and will NEVER return… Now, today? Can anyone think of something they can get from Britain that anyone can’t do better? I can’t… aside from Welsh cakes, but you’re all welcome for that.
  7. Aside from that, the same people who voted to leave, have no idea what to say, or to do. It has driven me up the wall. Many people have already claimed they have ‘made a mistake’ and want to take back their vote because the pound value has already dropped… and the so-called promises the Brexit campaigners have made, are already coming out as lies. This morning, a promise relating to £350 million, to be spent on the NHS, was a ‘mistake’.

Moving on

So, all in all, I’m pretty pissed off with my week, I’m fed up and irritable… It’s not just a shit week for me, but for Britain, and I will continue believing that. Stupid fools.

Other than Britain, it’s been a pretty bad week, and it has put me off people for a while, and I want to focus on myself. Actually, a house in the middle of nowhere-forest sounds perfect right about now. So, if any of this offends someone, please click ‘unfollow’ and dissipate in a plume of smoke. It’ll be fun, promise.

I’m not a strong person, I’ve always been weak, the only quality I have that makes me strong is to keep getting back up again… I think people think I’m something that I’m not because I make things look easy, or make it seem like I never have a problem, when in fact, a lot of what I do is difficult for me to do, but that’s why I can smile, because every step for me is a success, compared to what I used to be like. But, I will say one thing… I’m walking forward, regardless of whether the people around me are, or not… but I hope they stay on the same page… I hope this blog post doesn’t make it seem different. I may be pissed off, but it doesn’t mean I do not care.

 

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will… this is but one great big fucking brick in a very, exhausting, long wall.

The Black Cat Blue Sea Award

Meg nominated me to answer three questions about myself.

  1. Why do you keep writing?
  2. If you could change one thing about this world, what would it be and why?
  3. Who are you? (You can’t just say your name, that’s cheating).

 

These will be the questions I will be answering this evening.

  1. Why do you keep writing?

I originally started writing as an output to my emotion as I held everything in. For the most part on this blog, this is what I do, to release myself of an emotion, good, bad, neutral, painful, happy, whatever the reason; I do it to rid myself of undesired feelings.

That being said, writing is something I started eight years ago. I met someone, who felt important to me in the type of an Eros way. I was in a very different place back then. I came across so, so, so many things that I did not understand about myself, other people,and things that happened back then. She, being one of them. Writing helped me work through each, and every difficulty one by one, and helped me understand myself for who I was. It has helped me over the years to show me my true face as when I write I seem unable to spin a lie. I may misdirect the truth or leave details out but I just can’t lie. It’s difficult for me.

In writing, it is the truest face of my soul that you see. I’m still building this part of me, in the sense that it has taken me so long to free myself of restricting chains like ‘What will others think of me?’ and the anxiety that comes with the social aspect of life. In fact, writing has helped me come to a position in my life where I feel comfortable with myself. I keep writing because not only do I have a story to tell, but because the feelings, and emotions that are always running through my head will be one day conquered, and I’d like to show anyone who feels similarly that it is possibly to conquer them; that it is not something you should be afraid of.

The same way that when someone described the things I believed in, when it comes to my spiritual side of life, they said, “There are some people who read books, texts, and scriptures, and some people who write them.” It made me giggle, and by no means do I ever think I would be someone who would one day write something on par with a holy book, but I love the idea that some people read stories, and some people write them. I want to show meaning, and carry on my idealism of overcoming any obstacle. I used to be terrible at writing, and over time I think I’m improving. I have a long way to go, but it’s a start.

2. If you could change one thing about this world, what would it be and why?

If there was something I could change about this world, I would change the pretense that being perfect in a skill, a characteristic, or feature is what is most desired. The idealism that perfection is something to chase… it is very toxic. Now, I’m personally a hopeless romantic, and sure, I make many mistakes, and I may be good with some people, and good with handling myself, but I’ve never wanted to be perfect in the way that I am because it wouldn’t be me. It might sound strange. I have a different set of skills. If I can meet every obstacle in front of me with a smile on my face, then I’m in the place I want to be in. I don’t care if sometimes I fail, or I do not perfect everything, I want to be the person who overcomes everything, even if barely. So I can say in my life, “I did that. I am proud to be me.” and that happiness with yourself is something more desirable, than perfection or being the best.

3. Who are you? (You can’t just say your name, that’s cheating).

This is a question I’ve been asking myself for a very long time, and it falls under the category of one of the biggest questions someone can ask themselves. Now, I thought myself nothing when I was younger. I just didn’t like myself, who I was, my physical body, how weak my mind was, how emotionally driven I was, and I didn’t believe in anything. I wasn’t sure whether I would even live very long, I just had this thing about how everyone who is too close will hurt me.

Now, the person I am today, is someone who can be described as having fire in their eyes, and in their heart. First, (which I know one or two will laugh at this) I am a human radiator… I do not get cold, I am always warm-boiling, and the guy who would happily wear shorts in snow. Moving on… I am someone who gives 100% in the people around him, and once he falls for someone that is it. I think that’s one of the problems I face is that in my mind, I am drawn to a few people, not personality types, which is why it’s so confusing for me, but when I find someone, I just know and fall hard, and fast. Even if it doesn’t work.

That being said though, I care not for names, nor the colour of hair, or the features on someone’s shell (their skin) I care for what is inside, and that’s who I am. I am the type of person who can look past any appearance and see beauty inside of someone, and though cynical… and once believing in nothing, I now believe in everything. I do not worship a god, or a devil, or some deity, or even some mystical force/being… but I believe in the power of the people who are around you, and when you really meet someone who wants to stand up, it is the most amazing feeling ever. I hope that is the same feeling people get when they meet me.

Because, I am a fool who will always help the people around him, or even help the people further than that, or just simply help people. The problem with that is that I get caught up into drama, and get drawn into battles that are not of my own. I get blamed for things that are not my fault, and get hated for reasons unknown. However, lately, I’ve been changing the way I think, and growing out of that shell of negativity, and into something much more beneficial, and helpful… a way of thinking that boasts a positive way of life. If I could describe myself in any way; I am someone who will stand up no matter how many times I fall down, and I will over come every obstacle that stands in my way. It doesn’t matter how big, or how tall the obstacle is, I will over-come it, break through it, or find a way around it.

The most important person, who externally makes me who I am is my daughter. So much has happened since I’ve had her and much of these adjustments in my life has happened because of her, and she will one day figure out how important she is to me, but I can wait a little longer before she figures out that she is the most important person to me.

My name is Daniel, and though names mean very little to me, I am who I am, and the only person who can change me is me. I will always have a place for the people I have fallen for in my heart, and I will always extend my arm to people who need me.

Thank you Megan, for your nomination, but I think I got a little soppy there.

Have a great day everyone, and I hope you enjoy this read.

‘Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will. This is but a brick in a very long wall.’

 

If I were to nominate anyone it would be :

  1. Musingstomypanda
  2. ValleysAngel92
  3. Ceri
  4. Lulu

The questions would be:

  1. What makes you, you?
  2. What do you believe in?
  3. Is there something you would change about yourself, if you could?