I don’t know how not to be a fool, and this is becoming more and more prevalent the older I get. The issue I have is that I feel like I’m looking in every direction but can’t seem to actually take a solid step in a single direction and in doing that I’m still at the beginning, on my front page, looking at the blank page with nothing to fill it. I have the ink or the ability to type, it’s just I’m too scared to write a destination just in case it turns my life into stone and sets the way cement does between layers of bricks.
I want to think of myself, and then let myself get involved in other people, and I don’t mean the fun parts, but the stress, the drama, and the indulgence of idleness and the worst thing I’ve learned about myself is that I reflect the people around me like a god damn mirror. It’s horrific because I see myself as someone who’s independent and had hoped that I would not be so easily influenced by my surroundings but it turns out I am.
It’s why anyone who impedes with this perfect balance of positive and negative vibes, I can’t deal with and put a thousand yards between us – because balance is something superbly difficult for me to ascertain. Once I find it, I’m not interested in losing it, but the problem is that I seem incapable of leading myself down one path. So, healthiness gets balanced by shitty eating, and intelligence gets harmed by overthinking, and assumption.
I end up in a grey area where I’m not sure where to step and what direction to take. ‘Least of all, understanding the differences between what I should do and what I can do. The issue for me is that I don’t want to be around the mediocracy of people who have hit 18-24 and have already given up on their dreams because I don’t want to give up on mine. In the last 120 days, I’ve probably met with about 8 new people who have been lovely to talk to but lack ambition, interests, hobbies, anything that makes them stand out, and it sounds horrible but I don’t want to be like that.
I mean, my interests aren’t great, but at least I’m trying things out, doing new things, and will always aim for higher than expected. I say that now because I have that mindset, but I do quite frequently stop myself by not being able to take that first step into something more than myself. I think it’s been a switch in my head that activates when I feel like something is expected of me.
My aim is to overcome that fear of stepping, and stop overthinking it, and simply… step.
Even if it’s the first step which is the hardest, I will take that step, but I do wonder how sometimes and get stuck in this grey area where both feet are off of the ground neither stepping forward or stepping back.
So, from writing this I’ve come up with a sort of solution, or at least a…. something to get my started.
- Sleep my 8 hours a night, minimum.
- Schedule ‘me’ time.
- Not only look in the mirror and ask myself what I see, but ask myself for the things I don’t see, and want to see, and plan on how to get there.
- Spend 15 minutes a night writing a journal on how my progress is doing, so I can look back and see that I am moving forward.
- Choose a fucking path. – This one might be a good start.
- Stop breezing through social medias whenever I think I should be doing work. Just turn the phone off, look at the screen with a bit of audacity, and write.
- Get shit done. Even if it’s one sentence at a time, or one chapter per day, get things done!
It’s already begun, I just need to kick myself up the arse.
‘Less talking, and more doing!’