Axing a question

Sometimes there are things in life that are a lot more difficult than they should be. Sometimes it’s an exercise where we feel that we should be able to do it, but we can’t, and other times it’s something more delicate like dating or getting to know someone.

I’d like to think that perhaps it’s just my experience of dating and a poor judge of character that’s to blame but honestly, I’m not sure where to begin. So, alas, I’m back in my rightful place– a place where I no longer wish to have a relationship and am no longer looking for someone. In fact, if something happens over the summer then so be it, but it will stay in the summer.

The last person I started to get close to have made it so difficult to ask questions that it has put me off trying to date for a while… simply because I’m either faced with a defensive attitude, extra comments, or a demanding nature, and I don’t have time for either, and I’m a bit of a prick, myself, so two negatives, in this case, don’t make a plus. In fact, I have found more anxiety, and mood swings in the last 3-4 weeks of getting to know someone than I have in the two years at University, and therefore, brought it to a close. Who really has time for it?

So, that chapter of my life may be closed but I’m sure it’ll open many more chapters in life. When you want a future entirely different to another, your personalities clash, and you are confronted by an image of confrontation, and bargaining whenever you’ve had, when in actual fact, you’ve been close to the door handle for two out of three weeks. Maybe I’m too picky or that I need to keep my mouth closed, or maybe I’m the problem, but whatever it is… I’ll handle it.

Something else recently happened, I talked to someone who just wanted to be friends and I wanted to be friends with her, but the issue for me was that when we were snapping pics back and for and hanging out, I had the same feeling I did with the last time I made a very close friend, and we all know what happened there last summer and I don’t plan on having the heartache, or the head ache. I nibbed it in the butt before it began. I know some of you may think, “What are you thinking, stopping something before it’s even begun when you’re just assuming, or speculating.” I’m thinking that I wouldn’t be able to handle another headfuck in my final year of university so I opt out. Besides, if they matter so much, they’ll boomerang back into my path eventually. Or I’ll boomerang into theirs. Sadly, it seems escaping problematic situations isn’t my strong suit.

Finally, I have a picture for you!

So, what’s the amazing thing about this sentence?

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Happy days.

 

 

Upwards and onwards friends, it can only get better, right!?

I don’t know how not to be a fool

I don’t know how not to be a fool, and this is becoming more and more prevalent the older I get. The issue I have is that I feel like I’m looking in every direction but can’t seem to actually take a solid step in a single direction and in doing that I’m still at the beginning, on my front page, looking at the blank page with nothing to fill it. I have the ink or the ability to type, it’s just I’m too scared to write a destination just in case it turns my life into stone and sets the way cement does between layers of bricks.

I want to think of myself, and then let myself get involved in other people, and I don’t mean the fun parts, but the stress, the drama, and the indulgence of idleness and the worst thing I’ve learned about myself is that I reflect the people around me like a god damn mirror. It’s horrific because I see myself as someone who’s independent and had hoped that I would not be so easily influenced by my surroundings but it turns out I am.

It’s why anyone who impedes with this perfect balance of positive and negative vibes, I can’t deal with and put a thousand yards between us – because balance is something superbly difficult for me to ascertain. Once I find it, I’m not interested in losing it, but the problem is that I seem incapable of leading myself down one path. So, healthiness gets balanced by shitty eating, and intelligence gets harmed by overthinking, and assumption.

I end up in a grey area where I’m not sure where to step and what direction to take. ‘Least of all, understanding the differences between what I should do and what I can do. The issue for me is that I don’t want to be around the mediocracy of people who have hit 18-24 and have already given up on their dreams because I don’t want to give up on mine. In the last 120 days, I’ve probably met with about 8 new people who have been lovely to talk to but lack ambition, interests, hobbies, anything that makes them stand out, and it sounds horrible but I don’t want to be like that.

I mean, my interests aren’t great, but at least I’m trying things out, doing new things, and will always aim for higher than expected. I say that now because I have that mindset, but I do quite frequently stop myself by not being able to take that first step into something more than myself. I think it’s been a switch in my head that activates when I feel like something is expected of me.

My aim is to overcome that fear of stepping, and stop overthinking it, and simply… step.

Even if it’s the first step which is the hardest, I will take that step, but I do wonder how sometimes and get stuck in this grey area where both feet are off of the ground neither stepping forward or stepping back.

So, from writing this I’ve come up with a sort of solution, or at least a…. something to get my started.

  • Sleep my 8 hours a night, minimum.
  • Schedule ‘me’ time.
  • Not only look in the mirror and ask myself what I see, but ask myself for the things I don’t see, and want to see, and plan on how to get there.
  • Spend 15 minutes a night writing a journal on how my progress is doing, so I can look back and see that I am moving forward.
  • Choose a fucking path. – This one might be a good start.
  • Stop breezing through social medias whenever I think I should be doing work. Just turn the phone off, look at the screen with a bit of audacity, and write.
  • Get shit done. Even if it’s one sentence at a time, or one chapter per day, get things done!

It’s already begun, I just need to kick myself up the arse.

‘Less talking, and more doing!’

 

Water, oh noes, lemme smash, and TEST TEST

I’ve had one brilliant day today; a really good one. Flippin’ heck, as my teacher would say. Lots of things on the list of this evening’s post.

Firstly, I know we all play hot and cold due to having our very dynamic and varying moods, but it’s been a real pleasure getting to know someone new lately, in fact, I’d say it’s the most I’ve talked to someone in a few years, and if any of you know anything about me, that means more to me than looks, intellect of the ability to provide satisfaction, (tell me you didn’t say satisfaction in your head like in the song?).

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Moving on from that and onto my canoeing adventure today! I went out with my best buddy Conor to have a fairly fun experience canoeing down the River Wye. So, we didn’t stop off at the pub, and it was Conor’s first experience canoeing! Ha-ha, something to remember, and amongst certain conversations and a long conversation with him about someone he met, and teasing him with the meme ‘lemme smash’ which will be shown at the bottom of the post. (you’re welcome). We spent a few hours rowing down the river, and we spent a few hours, including breakfast getting there this morning.

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One of my friends, Liz, took us there, and we had a chat with her and her mum. It was a nice catch-up and I remembered why I missed seeing them so much, she used to be my neighbour and we used to see each other every day, and now, I hadn’t seen her in about a year, maybe two. That will definitely have to change!

So, after finishing the course and heading home, we missed the bus and had time so we had a lovely meal at ‘The Punch House’ in Monmouth where we ate a taverner’s chicken meal, which was what we would call Huntsman chicken, ha, can’t fool me.

Image result for the punch house

After wasting some time, we went home. I’ll be honest, the bartender scared me a little. Either she was in a mad rush, and the boss of all things in that place, or she just simply didn’t like us. Maybe she knew we weren’t from there. Who the heck knows.

After leaving Monmouth at about 4:30, we fell asleep on the bus, waking up now and then, in Usk and then Caerleon before getting back to Newport. Jeez, such a long trip. We headed to the train station and heard of a fatality halting some of the trains.

When it comes to death I feel callous and cold, and I had the opinion that people die every day, why feel sad over another one? And, I think if there was ever a Sims 3 friendship sign above our heads, it would’ve been a negative one above Conor’s. He was quite conflicted about how to feel about it. I suppose that’s the difference when you hear about several deaths on the tracks, compared to the first time. I may be a little heartless but I appreciate the tender look at life in cases like that.

After a good day out we went our separate ways, and I almost missed my stop by falling asleep, again. I got off and headed home. I realised how burnt I was, and have red marks down my wrists, face and kneecaps. I do have a tan line on my left wrist from my watch, which amused me for a little while. I know, it’s the little things, right?

I sat down for a bit, talked to a few people, casually said goodbye to two people that had been communicating with me for a while but with empty words, as if they felt they had to but weren’t interested in getting anywhere with me. I didn’t feel much about that, I guess I’m getting used to saying it now– who knows whether that’s a good thing or not.

 

In other news, I unboxed my delivery and opened my grey pair of trousers, white shirt, and waistcoat waiting for me. I’ve got to look professional when going to teach on Monday, haven’t I? Ha-ha.

Finally,

I’ve been testing out a different style of writing, one in which I don’t fluff around with the words and get straight to the point until it comes to an area of immense drama, to create a more intense atmosphere when needed.

My teacher gave my some good advice and she said, “you can’t start off with a nuclear explosion and then go back to normal.” It made a lot of sense to me.

Here’s a sample of what I’ve written, what do you think?

 

                He made her a promise; that he did, a contract so to speak, though it was more of a death wish with that woman. Thomas was a fool who promised the world a new skin. Everyone, including he knew it was impossible but still he pledged his services at an early age to a lady who caught his eye. Probably the gold of a fool that kept his eyes shining. A fool’s gold usually gets him killed, and this one will, probably.

Twelve years old, a year earlier than the rest, Thomas, a boy of pale skin, fine brown hair, and piercing green eyes knelt before a girl not a day older. She was a little different, like the consort to the most impeccable innocence. Far-stretching, but true just the same. She had raven-black hair and sapphires for eyes. She granted him a dance, and a fine one at that. They never touched, not once, but when shuffling around one another like a pair of mating birds they were connecting, something more serious, and only a touch more dangerous.

A promise is a promise and that’s just what he did, and when he leant in, their faces almost touched, but he was close enough to use that silver-tongue for something, “Open your window after the dance and come with me for a walk please?”

The young lady smiled, Freya was her name, and she liked his arrogance, and admired his courage. That was dangerous, too; more so. The men in the room chuckled, and drank themselves to sleep telling each other stories of how big and bad they were during the last war. Trinson told stories about how he stood as the big scary wolf with lightning-fast reflexes. Nilvar told stories about how he charged through a hundred men like a mighty boar with his hammer. There were seven others, whose names were not important, not to Thomas, at least, and that’s the one who stayed awake. He was watchful of Alaric’s ire, a boy a few years older who had an eye for the same girl as he, yet could not pluck the courage out of the air around him like Thomas could. Thomas had plenty of that, and if he could have only plenty of one thing it would certainly be courage. He was a fool after all.

Everyone retired to their chambers, filling the rooms of a usually empty castle, and instead of having cold stone walls like it typically felt like, it felt warm. The corridors were littered with standing torches and Thomas had to be careful. He opened the door to his chamber, cracking it open an inch before freezing. His father, Trinson turned, burping and farting his way back to sleep.

So, that’s that. I’m tired, and about to head to bed. If I’ve forgotten anything…. ah yes…

lemme smash:

It could be argued my friend is very much in this situation. heh.

First time making a smoothie. The Berry blast.

So, this evening was the first time I had ever made a smoothie. It was easier than I originally considered and was easy to clean up.

 

The Recipe

1/4 cup of blackberries

1/4 cup of strawberries

1/4 cup of blueberries

1/4 cup of raspberries

1 banana

150ml skimmed milk/almond milk

 

Optional

1tbs Organic protein hemp powder

1tbs flax seeds

1tbs chai seeds.

 

It was a lot nicer than I imagined, and it was successful when I gave half to my daughter (before adding the optional ingredients to my smoothie), and it was delicious, packed full of flavour. I’m not used to drinking a liquid that is thick, but it was grand.

The finished result

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Perhaps it doesn’t look that satisfying, but it was, and my daughter asked for two more servings.

State of my year

This year has been an interesting one. In fact, so interesting, that I feel like I’ve fallen off the rails three times already. I mean, Jesus, some of the situations I’ve faced this year have been absolutely bonkers. BONKERS I TELL YOU! Did that feel like I shouted at you? Good,  we’ll need that for later.

So, January was an interesting month to come back to. I had Christmas at my parents house in December, and after going back to University, I found that the girl I spent most of my time with, before Christmas, just disappeared from existence, even though I saw her in class, sometimes, anyway. I mean, at one point, I felt like shouting, “COME ON, WHAT HAVE I DONE!?” and when we did talk, it was very awkward, we avoided eye contact, though she still got jealous with my ridiculously harmless flirting with others when she was around. It was a conundrum indeed. Actually, I don’t think she knows how much that messed with my head, because before Christmas, we were spending 1/2, or 1/3 days together, and when I say that, I mean, the whole day. After we returned to University in January, it went down to a 20 minute coffee every 3 weeks. But, I suppose, that’s what happens when you tell someone how you feel.

In January, I also got myself into a difficult situation where I was trying to be there for a friend, but I ended up getting blamed for a problem that wasn’t my fault. It was just a shitty situation that had gone on too long, due to whatever reason, or most likely, people interfering. It taught me a lot about what to help people with, and what not to help people with. Relationships? THEY ARE A BIG NO-NO. See? Shouting that out, doesn’t that make you feel better?

So, anyway, in February, I got so upset, and distant, that I disappeared, and my cry for help was when I drank a copious amount of liquor, and drunk messaged everyone. I mean, I acted happy, but not a single one of the people who told me they knew me, and knew me well, noticed. Aside from a girl who was a very new friend at the time. I talked about this moment a dozen times, but I will always remember this moment as the time where I found someone I wanted to hold onto.

She came to my house one evening, and told me she read my posts, which were pretty dark at the time, and she demanded some answers, and started to cry over the idea that I couldn’t talk to anyone, and not her about my problems, even though she spilled her problems onto the table the second day we met. It was cute, and memorable. I’m pretty sure I fell for her quickly, though I told myself I wouldn’t, or tried to hide it well, anyway. But, we just had way too much fun, and what not.

In March, she was the only person to buy me a gift for my birthday, aside from having a card from my parents. Sure, I don’t expect anything from anyone. But even the people I bought presents for earlier in the year, or even a month or two before, didn’t even see me for my birthday, so I felt pretty alone. Though the girl couldn’t come over for my birthday, she bought me a lion teddy, to remind me of her because she dressed up in a lion-onesie one day, and knew I found it funny.

In the earlier months of the year I found it difficult to enjoy my time at University. I found the classes either boring, and very fruitless, or I found that they were telling us we should understand this, but it was something they hadn’t even mentioned, or not directed us to where to find the information. Then again, I was put off some of the reading because of the same reasons. It was very encumbering, and I fell into a rut.

My friend kept coming around, and trying to make me feel better, bless her. Actually, most of the beginning months of the year, the good parts, are based around her. It’s sad, in a way, but pleasant in another. I remember dancing with her in my kitchen, and spinning her around. I remember her yelling at me, or knowing what I wanted before I knew. It’s incredible when you get close enough to someone that you understand each other in a way that requires no communication.

Anyway, in April, I started coming back into social circles, and putting my face out there, again. It wasn’t much, but it was a start, though it put me off again, when everyone practically ignored me every time I spoke, and so I gave up on the group we had on Facebook. what is the point in having a group if everyone ignores you, right?

So, I started focusing on me. I managed to pull myself out of my rut, I had a girlfriend, (not the friend) but it didn’t go well, for two reasons. I may have been in love with someone else (Pretty big one, I know.) and two, she bored the hell out of me. I couldn’t talk to her, and all she wanted to do was watch television. AGAIN, BIG NO NO! Ha-ha, I bet you still read that as me shouting at you. In fact, I found more affection from the girl who had become a close friend, than I did my partner at the time. It meant that I had to break up with my partner, which I did. So, that was a very short 4 week relationship. But hey, at least I was being honest with myself.

Moving on, I told my best friend the truth, and how I felt. And she told me she couldn’t, because of several reasons, one being her leaving soon, and another one I won’t talk about online. But, alas, we still got closer, and perhaps it was a natural thing, once feelings are aired. So, in June, I ‘made’ (she came by choice, but didn’t like to tell me) her come to a BBQ/party we had. And that’s when it hit off between us. My fault, I thought I’d be nice, to take her upstairs, and I planned to sleep downstairs with the guys, because there were two other guys in the house, and she grabbed my hand before we left. I won’t go into anymore detail about that, but lets just say, it took about 4 weeks after she left the country (went back home after her year stay here), to get over it. For me, anyway.

What I found was that she didn’t care about what happened, and she did it for me. It hurt me, like a knife to my heart. Really. But, I survived it, and though it tarnished my motivational triumph of finally getting my ass to the gym, I found myself living my day around her talking to me for a while too. I had to get some space from her, so I did just that. Now, we talk very little, just now and then. I had an argument with her on the weekend, which allowed me to see her just as a friend, and though we are okay as friends, we are just that, and we won’t ever be more than that. I’m completely okay with that though. The way things went, it wouldn’t be a good relationship if we did try. As it wasn’t very virtuous to begin with.

That being said, I’m sure she’s trying her best to be my friend. We are getting along, but that’s that.

So here I am, I had been to the gym for nine weeks, and lost 5KG, that’s all. I have much more muscle now, and feel better in myself. The plan is to jog three times a week, and I’ve come to a point where I feel comfortable enough in myself to believe, trust, and honour myself. The only people I have to worry about, presently, are myself, and my daughter.

That being said, I’ve found myself getting closer to an ex partner of mine, who I dated in 2013, and we’ve been good friends since. My Swedish Lady friend. She’s coming to visit me in September, and who knows, maybe things will improve drastically over the next few months, and though we are not expecting anything to happen, it will be a lovely surprised to see her again. It has definitely been too long.

So, over-all, I have much to do this summer, including actually reading the books I promised myself I would read, improve my grammar, and lexis and phonology, and become a better me. I already feel that happening. If anyone tries to interrupt that, or halt my path, I will move around you, jump over you, or just walk through you, and change you from someone who is in my life, to someone who is now a ghost of my past.

To end this post, I would like to state that I met many people on a short two week course I had in July, where I met many people I would love to meet again. Perhaps, I’ll have a holiday in Spain next year, and we could all meet up for a meal again. I’ve never been with so many people that we had a meal between 24-30 of us, but it was amazing, and an experience I will definitely not forget.

So, this has been my catch-up year. I’ve gained friends, I’ve lost friends, I lost myself, and found myself, I’ve been scraping the bottom of my motivation, and now I’m on fire, so to speak. NO DIRTY JOKES, COME NOW. Ha, I bet you read that shouting, again. It never gets old. But, over-all, I’ve come to rely on myself, and that, has been a more important lesson to me, than anything else I have experienced this year. It means that when my second year starts, I will be in a position to manage everything that comes my way, good, or bad.

So, bring it on.

On fire

So… the post I wrote yesterday was an explanation of how I write when I’m tired. By that, I mean, I talk the most bullshit when I am more exhausted than a squirrel that is on-a-down from drinking a barrel full of coffee. Furthermore, when I wrote an email to someone, I had to erase six paragraphs because I started writing about the war. What war you ask? I have fought no war. So, a little note for me:

Don’t write when you’re tired. Doughnut.

Now that that is out of the way. Let us carry on.

Where to begin, where to start? This morning, I woke up, still tired, but in a good mood. I forgot to wash my clothes as I had a long weekend away and I’ve just put them up now, so I couldn’t go to the gym. I cleaned my house instead. It’s been a good sweep. I found some cool stuff I forgot, and my wardrobe collapsed on me when I tried to move it. If you’re thinking of taking the easy way out by moving a canvas wardrobe with all the clothes still in there… don’t. It will end in your demise, sort of.

Other than moving stuff around, it has been a little bit of a slow day. I have come back to my mountain behaviour, and I will get up tomorrow, and things will return to the way they were.

The thing I realised over the weekend is that there is an underlying something, that’s just not talked about with my brother, because when we went out in the evening, I found that he met many people he knew, and stood in front of me when talking to them. To top it off, he never introduced me to a single person, aside from someone who knew my parents, but that’s because they greeted me.

It was a surprising realisation as he’s always so quick to meet my friends, and people I know… But hey, I guess that is just the way it is.

Other than that, I am aiming to walk forward, and improve myself, just as I started out trying to. Focus on myself for a change, as even when I tell myself to, I seem to always digress onto other people. It would be nice if I could concentrate for longer than five minutes.

Even though I’m working on myself, this will always stand:

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will; this is but one brick in a very long wall.

The Black Cat Blue Sea Award

Meg nominated me to answer three questions about myself.

  1. Why do you keep writing?
  2. If you could change one thing about this world, what would it be and why?
  3. Who are you? (You can’t just say your name, that’s cheating).

 

These will be the questions I will be answering this evening.

  1. Why do you keep writing?

I originally started writing as an output to my emotion as I held everything in. For the most part on this blog, this is what I do, to release myself of an emotion, good, bad, neutral, painful, happy, whatever the reason; I do it to rid myself of undesired feelings.

That being said, writing is something I started eight years ago. I met someone, who felt important to me in the type of an Eros way. I was in a very different place back then. I came across so, so, so many things that I did not understand about myself, other people,and things that happened back then. She, being one of them. Writing helped me work through each, and every difficulty one by one, and helped me understand myself for who I was. It has helped me over the years to show me my true face as when I write I seem unable to spin a lie. I may misdirect the truth or leave details out but I just can’t lie. It’s difficult for me.

In writing, it is the truest face of my soul that you see. I’m still building this part of me, in the sense that it has taken me so long to free myself of restricting chains like ‘What will others think of me?’ and the anxiety that comes with the social aspect of life. In fact, writing has helped me come to a position in my life where I feel comfortable with myself. I keep writing because not only do I have a story to tell, but because the feelings, and emotions that are always running through my head will be one day conquered, and I’d like to show anyone who feels similarly that it is possibly to conquer them; that it is not something you should be afraid of.

The same way that when someone described the things I believed in, when it comes to my spiritual side of life, they said, “There are some people who read books, texts, and scriptures, and some people who write them.” It made me giggle, and by no means do I ever think I would be someone who would one day write something on par with a holy book, but I love the idea that some people read stories, and some people write them. I want to show meaning, and carry on my idealism of overcoming any obstacle. I used to be terrible at writing, and over time I think I’m improving. I have a long way to go, but it’s a start.

2. If you could change one thing about this world, what would it be and why?

If there was something I could change about this world, I would change the pretense that being perfect in a skill, a characteristic, or feature is what is most desired. The idealism that perfection is something to chase… it is very toxic. Now, I’m personally a hopeless romantic, and sure, I make many mistakes, and I may be good with some people, and good with handling myself, but I’ve never wanted to be perfect in the way that I am because it wouldn’t be me. It might sound strange. I have a different set of skills. If I can meet every obstacle in front of me with a smile on my face, then I’m in the place I want to be in. I don’t care if sometimes I fail, or I do not perfect everything, I want to be the person who overcomes everything, even if barely. So I can say in my life, “I did that. I am proud to be me.” and that happiness with yourself is something more desirable, than perfection or being the best.

3. Who are you? (You can’t just say your name, that’s cheating).

This is a question I’ve been asking myself for a very long time, and it falls under the category of one of the biggest questions someone can ask themselves. Now, I thought myself nothing when I was younger. I just didn’t like myself, who I was, my physical body, how weak my mind was, how emotionally driven I was, and I didn’t believe in anything. I wasn’t sure whether I would even live very long, I just had this thing about how everyone who is too close will hurt me.

Now, the person I am today, is someone who can be described as having fire in their eyes, and in their heart. First, (which I know one or two will laugh at this) I am a human radiator… I do not get cold, I am always warm-boiling, and the guy who would happily wear shorts in snow. Moving on… I am someone who gives 100% in the people around him, and once he falls for someone that is it. I think that’s one of the problems I face is that in my mind, I am drawn to a few people, not personality types, which is why it’s so confusing for me, but when I find someone, I just know and fall hard, and fast. Even if it doesn’t work.

That being said though, I care not for names, nor the colour of hair, or the features on someone’s shell (their skin) I care for what is inside, and that’s who I am. I am the type of person who can look past any appearance and see beauty inside of someone, and though cynical… and once believing in nothing, I now believe in everything. I do not worship a god, or a devil, or some deity, or even some mystical force/being… but I believe in the power of the people who are around you, and when you really meet someone who wants to stand up, it is the most amazing feeling ever. I hope that is the same feeling people get when they meet me.

Because, I am a fool who will always help the people around him, or even help the people further than that, or just simply help people. The problem with that is that I get caught up into drama, and get drawn into battles that are not of my own. I get blamed for things that are not my fault, and get hated for reasons unknown. However, lately, I’ve been changing the way I think, and growing out of that shell of negativity, and into something much more beneficial, and helpful… a way of thinking that boasts a positive way of life. If I could describe myself in any way; I am someone who will stand up no matter how many times I fall down, and I will over come every obstacle that stands in my way. It doesn’t matter how big, or how tall the obstacle is, I will over-come it, break through it, or find a way around it.

The most important person, who externally makes me who I am is my daughter. So much has happened since I’ve had her and much of these adjustments in my life has happened because of her, and she will one day figure out how important she is to me, but I can wait a little longer before she figures out that she is the most important person to me.

My name is Daniel, and though names mean very little to me, I am who I am, and the only person who can change me is me. I will always have a place for the people I have fallen for in my heart, and I will always extend my arm to people who need me.

Thank you Megan, for your nomination, but I think I got a little soppy there.

Have a great day everyone, and I hope you enjoy this read.

‘Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will. This is but a brick in a very long wall.’

 

If I were to nominate anyone it would be :

  1. Musingstomypanda
  2. ValleysAngel92
  3. Ceri
  4. Lulu

The questions would be:

  1. What makes you, you?
  2. What do you believe in?
  3. Is there something you would change about yourself, if you could?

Moving on II

Lately, a smile has been attached to my face like a mustache has to those old man Jack Russel dogs, you know the ones. This has been for many reasons, but the biggest one, has been myself. I haven’t lost much weight over the last four weeks, but I have been gaining a lot of muscle. I am feeling less unhappy with my weight, and feel better with the idea of accepting myself.

Yesterday, I wrote about how I want to become more like a mountain, rather than a river and that is what my end goal is. I want to be able to withstand as much as possible, whether it be mental, or physical affliction. I’ll be changing from three days a week workouts to five days a week. It seems challenging, but I’m no longer feeling exhausted after a three day regime, and I want to continually push myself. I will reach my goal this summer.

I have finally made a decision about games, of which I will be playing perhaps once, or twice a week, rather than every other night, or every other day, as it gives me too much of a distraction. I want to be focused on my well-being, and I want to learn skills that will help me with my future. I’ve been enjoying learning Spanish, and I think it’s because I want to, rather than that I had to, like I did back in school.

Ultimately, I have found some answers for some people from my past, and something that had came into my mind back in January-Feb, and I can let go of those feelings. On top of that, I have finally accepted the idea of not looking for another person. I have no reason to look for a connection, for love.

I have found enough of it, and I am going to give myself some time off, away from those sort of feelings. I think it’s time to love myself, rather than someone else. I am so glad I’ve answered the questions plaguing my mind over everyone close to me, and I’ve come to the conclusion that though I seemed to be looking for someone, I don’t think I was ever ready to meet someone. But, I’m sorting myself out, and remembering that the only person who can pick me up is me. Perhaps I’ll let someone else be that person one day, but until that day comes, I’ll remind myself that it is only me who I can rely on with my whole heart.

I’ve also got to write another blog post soon as I’ve been nominated to answer three questions by Megan. This will be fun.

So, all in all, I’m glad I got some of the confusion out of my mind.

There will only be one puzzle I will hold in my head, and that is the only person I’m thinking of, other than myself and my daughter, and as much as the feelings are out of my head, and onto paper… I don’t think I can simply forget. Besides, being reminded of love, and what love is, is worth remembering, and I’ll never shake that belief.

I’ll answer the questions later, and share it with you all, I’m not yet sure of whether I will nominate anyone though.

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will. This is but a brick in a very long wall… and we have so much yet to build.

Have a lovely day everyone, and remember, that you are important to those around you, but more so, you’re important to yourself.

Tonight is going to be a lovely night, and a full moon.

The more you know

Recently, I had came across a conundrum of someone writing about me on their blog, and actually it was really sweet, and they were saying some lovely things. I got the chance to meet them at the beginning of this weekend, and was hoping to have a proper conversation about some of the things that were written, and discussed. Instead, we went out with a two of her friends.

I had a pretty awesome time with them and it was a pleasure to get to know them. We went to laser tag, and even though I sucked, which I was happy with, I had a couple of drinks and we enjoyed ourselves. We went for Kaspers’ for the first time, and I tried the peanut butter chocolate waffle with vanilla ice cream on top. It was delicious. Everything was fine and the evening would have ended very well, if it wasn’t for the same friend, who told her friend to put his hands in my food and give it to her. Now, it normally wouldn’t bother me so much, or I’d like to say that, but no one has ever taken my food before. More than that, we all had spoons/forks and further than that, we had just been playing laser tag touching suits that a few other hundred people would have had their hands all over…

I never thought I would ever get so annoyed at someone for touching my food though I must say I’ve never been in a position where someone has actually taken from my plate without my permission. Even my daughter doesn’t do that. I think one of the worst things was that the person who wanted to do it, wouldn’t dare to it herself, and told someone I barely knew to do it for her. That, I don’t like, and it’s funny because I have been getting closer to her, and started getting along with her friends, too. Now, I don’t know whether I seemed like an asshole for getting upset with the idea of someone touching my food, but the only way I can explain it is, “Imagine someone coming up to you from another table, someone you do not know, or have seen a few times, but not talked all that much… and putting their hand into your ice cream, and then expecting you to eat it… Would you? or would you be angry?”

So, whether I was being childish about this, or whether I had every justification to act in that manner, though I did think I acted very… restrained. As what was on my mind at the time was not what I did. In fact, after telling them in a kind way, explaining how wrong it was, I thanked them for inviting me and walked off. I don’t even know why I got so angry, I haven’t been angry for ages, but something about it just ticked me off. Isn’t it strange how, no matter how higher we think ourselves from beasts, we can act primal over something so simple as food on a plate.

Though I’m writing about this, I do not hold a grudge, I’m more so trying to figure myself out. In fact, I have already forgiven the guy for touching my food, and had a chat with the girl about it. In fact, before, and after the event we had a lovely chat on the train both ways, where it felt like she was actually opening up to me. I think I may have really upset her with how I acted with the food thing… I think she felt really bad, because she’s a little more guarded with her messages to me now. I hope I didn’t ruin something before it even started. At the same time though, I believe that if something like this can push someone away, then it isn’t the path for you.

Well, after that train ride home, I did something that could go very right, or very wrong… but I’m so fed up of doing nothing. I’ve missed so many opportunities in my life because I’ve waited on people, waited for people, or waited for myself to grow a pair. (Excuse the expression). So, I’ve decided not to let moments slide through my fingers, and seeing as I have quite the interesting connection to this person, I had to find out an answer for myself. Though, I think the answer will be surprising once I process it, and she does too.

It’s funny though, now, and over the next week, the rest of the people left on campus will be leaving, and I will be alone for the majority of summer. I hope that by the time I finish the summer I will be in the right state of mind, and the physical condition to happily continue with my next year. It is nice to see some results from my training over the last month, and I’m sure I’ll see more.

Speaking about something other than Friday, I had an awesome day today, slept in for the first time in a very long time, and went to lunch with my friend. I then went for a stroll through my hometown Newport, and went to my parents. Where for the last two hours my niece and my daughter have been cuddled up watching a movie, and falling asleep. My family are out, and I’m alone with my thoughts. The only thing I’m missing is a cup of hot chocolate, or maybe a sip of brandy.

There have been quite a few things circulating my mind lately, but I’m learning to handle them much better than previously. Instead of being like a river, I think I’m aiming to be more like the mountain. Who knows, maybe I’ll make a strong enough core not to be shattered when something goes wrong.

So, all in all, I actually had a pretty good time this weekend, and I hope that the people I got to meet, and hang out with meet up more, and I can get to know them more. It’s been fun other than the little mishap. I am starting the gym 5 days a week starting Monday, so that will be a challenge! I’ve hit my 9th day in a row learning Spanish… and I’m going to start my reading again now. So much to do, and so little time in the day. Every time I open one door, I feel like I close another. I want to get to the point where every door is open, and everything I am is what you see.

Whatever happens, good, or bad; it is but a single brick in a very long wall.

So, believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will.

A stranger to yourself

Sometimes, I wonder if you can ever really truly know yourself. When you think of yourself, you bring up past experiences that have made you, well-you. The problem is, that this shadow of yourself, this image, is an earlier version of you, the latest recording of your self evaluation. When you base it on your past you are not that same person. At the time time, you look towards the future, and bring in your goals, your work, and your plans, and combine that into the mix. Now you have a visage of future, and past. What does that mean though? Are you now now affixed in time, neither ahead, nor behind, a true image of yourself?

No, there are things changeable about you, about your soul, your mind, and your body. There are also things, unchangeable.

For example: The only ability of mine that I am proud of having, is to overcome obstacles. That will stay with me forever, and is an unchangeable, natural part of my mind, and soul.

This being said, there are both a unique amount of characteristics everyone has. We bring them into the work we do, and the things we create, and work through.

An obsessive amount of thinking, I have always thought to be a bad thing. It has never stopped me from obsessing though. I have come to an agreement with my brain that it is just how I am, and when a puzzle is presented towards me, I will think until it is put together.

The problem with this is that I do not take the time it normally takes a person to judge a character, observe a person, and my brain also, sometimes needs time to catch up. That being said, it always, always knows. When I initially look someone in the eyes, I get many feelings, but someone who would really impact my life, for better, or for worse. It’s almost like that pre-set connection is tapped into and my brain reacts, in bounds of torturous thinking. Time feels like it takes forever, and a thousand thoughts would shoot into my brain.

So much so, that the characters I’ve been writing about I have been meeting a month, two months, or six months to a year later. Different names, sometimes, but always with the same personality. It is as bizarre as a cow mounting a goat. (When  I wrote that I spoke in a Welsh accent, just saying) but it has taught me to listen to myself more than I do. Sometimes, I have to run through the loops, and come to the same conclusion my mind already pre-determined. It is almost as if I’m living ahead of time, and still letting it happen the same way. Then again, if I listened to my mind as much as I should, I’d be sitting alone in a room full of people. Sometimes, even though you know you’ll get hurt… you have let yourself get hurt.

I’ve come to the ideal that I should stop controlling myself as much as I do, and just let things be, what they are. A friend of mine used to drive me crazy when she used to say, “It is, what it is” and I grumble writing the words even, but she’s right. Sometimes, things are just the way they are. They don’t need to be read, judged, understood.

They just need to be.

From working on my body, I have come to the conclusion that the animation ‘Soul Eater’ had the quote, ‘A healthy body is a healthy mind, and a healthy mind is a healthy soul’ It’s more like a triangle you need to work on. If you neglect part of it, then the other parts will suffer and you will become unbalanced.

 

When I was young, I neglected my anger for a very long time, quite possibly ten or fifteen years of my life. In fact, as much as I am at an impasse with my child’s mother, she taught me to control my anger. In fact, I never hit back, and during my dark days, when I was always irritable, and seething, I meditated and come to a position where I went inwards during meditation, and faced myself. When I visualised my anger, and fought against it like a monster in my body, I tried everything to get rid of it. It was the fighting that helped me understand that it was not something I should be disgusted with, or scared of. It was a part of me, and the final time I confronted it, I didn’t fight back, and didn’t grow fearful of it.

I just walked past it, around it, through it. And just like that, it was gone. Since then, I have rarely had any form of anger. Sure, we all get irritated and upset, but I have not felt the need to lift a hand against anyone for about three and a half years now. I don’t hate anyone. I never talked about this when I was young. I had always assumed it was too weird to talk about. As, that’s all I’m ever called, ‘Weird’.

But, today, sitting here and typing away; I’m sat here with a smile on my face, with a circle of close friends around me. I don’t have loads of friends, nor do I have more than a handful, but I’d like to think that the people I believe in, also believe in me so when I am weak, they’ll help me, and when they are, I’ll help them. That’s more than I can ever ask of from anyone, and that’s all I need from anyone.

Other than that, over the last few weeks I have focused more on myself, and after my BBQ tomorrow, I will be focusing on me and my daughter for the rest of the summer.

My view on life is that I won’t find someone who is on the floor, and wants to stay there. I will find someone who has fallen. It doesn’t matter once, twice, a hundred, or a thousand times. I don’t care how many times someone has failed  as long as they get back up again.

That push, drive, and way of living, is enough for me to fall in love with someone. So for the person, people, or ghosts of my past, who wonder why I liked them, like them, or end up liking them, it’s the fact that you get up when you get pushed down. You wipe the tears from your face, and tie your hair back. You get up, you change your cry into a smile, and you keep walking forward. You might not think you do, and you might think you’re weak, but I see through that façade, that misconception. I see through the masks that you wear, because you’ve been through far too much emotional pain to let anyone close.

So, as for the person this relates to. This might be the best explanation you’re going to get from me:

“Believe in yourself, for when you don’t I will.”