I find myself questioning the importance of family from time to time, because of some reason or other, the type of reasons that bring you back to zero. Nada. Nothing. They make you feel like you don’t belong, and maybe they’re actually a reality check sending you the certainty of the actual god damn situation that you usually just hide with the semantics of family ‘communication’ that usually involves niceties and friendly hellos.
Although I say that I am unsure of where I stand with the term family, I’m aware of where I stand with my parents. My brother, less so, and the rest of my family are in a perpetual state of talking through my parents, so I don’t really have much time with them. I just get relayed messages, or told that messages aren’t even being relayed. I don’t exactly have ‘time’ to myself anyway. Even now, where my parents have my daughter this weekend and I’m stuck in the library doing this library exercise instead of my lesson plan because I’m overtired and in need of sleep but also have more work to do than I can think about at the moment.
I’m not even sure any of this matters you see, and although my brother seems to have disowned me as a brother at the moment, I’m not sure I’m even bothered, and I think that fact bothers me more. I mean, finding out that through the majority of your teenage-adult life you’ve been bitched about by your older brother is just really shitty. Furthermore, or adding to that fact is the irritating edifice of being the villain of the story because I don’t trust him to babysit the kids on his own, or his girlfriend, who I’ve met a total of three times, barely having a conversation both times. I mean, what’s a man gotta do to be understood around here?
So, I’ve come to the realisation that “Ego is the anesthesia is that deadens the pain of stupidity.” (Frank Leahy) and I’ve hit the point in my life where I’ll just close the door, instead of trying to contain whatever ‘friendship’ or ‘brotherhood’ if it can be called that, for my benefit when all my brother has ever really tried to do is hurt me, unless he can get something out of it, like babysitting, so I will babysit the next time he needs me.
I’m not the only one whose thought about family over the last couple of weeks, and it shows in the discord of communication in my family where everyone seems to forget to inform us, or even invite us to family ‘events’ but on the bright side, I don’t have to get checked for cancer since the gene avoided my father, so I suppose that’s one bright side in the whole thing.
Other than the idea of family, I’ve definitely decided that I’m going to move away, and not just further, but abroad. The plan is to find somewhere hot for a few years, settle, and give the house I get to my parents for when they retire, and after that… go wherever the fuck I want to go because I want to fucking go. I can’t fucking wait.
I thought long and hard about the type of person I want to be, and I won’t put the people I love down, I want to raise them, not bury them, so I don’t say any of this in a negative way, or with contempt, but I also want to be the best version of myself that I can be, and that will only happen through trial, error, and trial again.
In other news, I’ve got a girlfriend now, whose family seems to like me. (At the moment, ha-ha) and the closer I get to her the more I see how connected her and her family are, and in a way I look back at my family and feel how distant we’ve always been. Barriers broke nthrough having children but barriers that never should have been there in the first place. It’s quite an experience.
Also, I think I’ve finally met someone who isn’t secretly trying to kill me *winky face*
I’m chatting shit now to avoid my work, so I’ll leave you with a couple of quotes to think about for the remainder of your evening, or the five or so minutes it’s taken you to read this.
“You are what you are repeated to do.” – Aristotle. Therefore, excellence ought to be a habit, not an act.
“Pride is the burden of a foolish person.”
“Son, if you’re going to do a job, do it right.”
“Wisdom will come to you from the unlikeliest of sources; a lot of the time from failure. When you hit rock bottom, remember this: When you’re struggling, rockbottom can also be a great foundation on which to build, and on which to grow.”