So, yeah, I look back at the last couple of years and it annoys me a little when I see my conscious, and unconscious minds work against one another. I’ve distanced myself from people I’ve liked, cared for and wanted to get close to, and then other times I’ve clung to the people that show me little to no interest? It’s ridiculous.
So, I’ve started to think that after being in a position where it has just been my daughter and me for the last 4 years, other than very short forms of dating, or relationships, I’m a little scared of intimacy. I mean, my understanding of intimacy or experience of intimacy is a little twisted due to being in an abusive relationship for about two years. When someone throws a bucket load of mental abuse your way, or physical abuse and can still tell you they love you every day/night it does shape the way you see things like that.
But, what I’ve found is that I think I’m my own enemy in this, so when I do meet someone who’s sassy, or full of banter, and enjoys throwing a meaningless insult around now and then, it somehow affects me, even when I’m consciously sure it wouldn’t. That’s pretty sad though, isn’t it?
So, I’ve tried mindlessly dating and figured out it’s not for me, meeting people with a half-assed attitude towards something that might or might not be, and it takes one or two of the wrong sentences (not spelling, but rather opinion) to put me off a person entirely.
The sad thing is that I’ve met some really nice people over the last few months, but sometimes I feel like I keep meeting people at the wrong time. Or, simply, it’s just the universe’s way of telling me to walk away. Sometimes, I think life would be a lot easier if I just stopped trying to control my life and let be what it is. But, then, my friend wouldn’t be able to call me a fool then, would she?
Also, I can’t buy myself a tarot card deck, it has to be gifted, so if anyone’s interested in helping me with that feel free. Ha.
So, after all this time, and I could meet some incredible people, and I have met an incredible person, sometimes, the things I worry about take time to reveal themselves, and those things are worries that aren’t even at this time yet. Situations like, I’ve decided that I want to move abroad for quite some time, and the people I do seem to really get along with or get close to all seem to want to stay where they are, end of story.
I wouldn’t mind staying here, it wouldn’t be my first choice so that person would have to be pretty damn special for that to happen.
The other thing that I find difficult is the idea of getting close to someone again, and I’m really not sure whether I purposely go out of my way to find someone who has the ability to both build me up and shatter me in a few simple words, or whether love is a perpetually walking blind man. That, or I could secretly be a masochist.
This is isn’t a rant, for once, and actually, my life has been going okay, I should be working on improving my mental capabilities much more than I have been, but on the bright side, I’ve lost 13KG so far, and I’m starting to feel better about myself, yesterday was the first time I led on beach with my shirt off in my adult life. Can you believe it? I didn’t feel like I people were laughing at me or anything, which is a massive thing for me because I’ve always felt like I was too fat to do certain things, especially when it came to my body.
In fact, I did a 60 minute run for the first time and it felt great. I felt like I accomplished something really important, and in all honestly, I’m proud of myself for doing it, and now I’m doing them three times a week.
But, enough about the rest, right now, this is about relationships and love.
I’d love for someone to prove me wrong and allow me to understand the positivity and welcoming emotions that love is supposed to bring, and I hope that one day I get to a point where I do feel that way, but at the moment, I feel like I’m asking for something that may not quite exist for me. Simply put, I don’t want to walk on eggshells around someone, and I’ve got into so many arguments over people not understanding whether I’m joking, or being serious, but rather than just asking, things get so heated.
Actually, I get a huge blast of anxiety when someone assumes things about me because it’s one of my biggest issues. I seem to come across as serious, and overwhelmingly ambitious, and complicated, and all that jazz, but in reality, I’m probably as simple as a puppy, I just want a little bit of attention and a little bit of love. I know, I referred to myself as a puppy, I’m aware.
Complicated situations, arguments, passive aggressiveness, and aggression are just huge no-no’s when you realise that you can live your life asking “Why me?” or you can live your life asking, “Why not me?” and I want to be part of the latter. I want to live my life asking the question why not me, why can’t I do these things, because I can, and will, not I can’t and give the excuses that I’m not good enough, or better yet, give no excuse at all.
I just want to add that I don’t look for someone who resembles the latter, I look for something so much weirder than that, that spark you find in someone’s eye, and in the conversations that you have. That connection to someone trumps over looks/behaviour any day and I think, though I’m very emotionally aware, I’m also very aware that some people aren’t as emotionally developed, and never thought to ask questions about why they feel a certain way about something, and I think everything is a learning experience.
I just want to fill my life with more of them.
“You can’t beat death, but you can beat death in life”
– Charles Bukowski
P.S I could be feeling all of this, or I could be exhausted, tired, and hangry. I’m not quite sure.