I think determination is one of the hardest things for me to come by, and I know that sounds crazy with all the posts I throw on here with the intention of doing things greatly, perfectly, and right, but determination and focus are two things that are impossibly difficult for me to maintain.
I thought about something today, and I spent some time with someone who was so focused on other people, dedicating her life with the idea of yearning for other peoples’ affections; not just one, or the idea to start a family, or to settle, but to earn the friendship of two dozen people. I think, today I have learned something about myself, that my convictions are at least, stronger than my doubt, and when I was told it wouldn’t make a difference, I think it did, even if she wouldn’t admit it.
And though I wasn’t allowed to lecture her, I think, I hope, that having someone to look you in the eyes and tell you that they are there for you, might be a start for someone. It may not be enough, and it may not be the end goal, but it might be a start.
The thing is, and I’ve thought long and hard about this. I don’t think that seeking the approval of other people is what is important in life. I think that the only person you need to seek approval from is yourself, and when you can’t satisfy yourself, you seek other people to fill that gap. I know that inner voice is harsh, and burning with an accusing tone, but you are the only person in the world who can change that.
My biggest critic is myself, and I let myself continuously fall into a controlling, demeaning tone which is belittling by nature, an accusing tone telling me over and over that I’m not good enough for the things I want to do, the person I want to be, the places I want to get to, and that needs to change.
I think, so, by no means is this the right way, but I think that the most important person to seek approval from is definitely yourself.
If you can change that accusing tone, you’re already on the right track. Rather than seeking extrinsic motivation to live your live look inwards and ask yourself the questions “Who are you?” and “What do you want?” “How will you get it?” and “What’s stopping you?”
I think we should all have goals that are related to us, and ourselves alone, ones that don’t rely on other people. Goals that are personal to you, be it travelling, or reading all the books you’ve ever wanted… if you’re not trying to get out of your shitty situation, then you’re choosing to stay in that position.
I think it’s time I commit myself to myself so I don’t contradict myself for a final time this summer. I need to remember that the focus should be on me, and not be wavered for the first person that comes my way.
Stop being a victim, and go get what you want from life, and remember to enjoy it, for you, and no one else!