Making a commitment to yourself

I think determination is one of the hardest things for me to come by, and I know that sounds crazy with all the posts I throw on here with the intention of doing things greatly, perfectly, and right, but determination and focus are two things that are impossibly difficult for me to maintain.

I thought about something today, and I spent some time with someone who was so focused on other people, dedicating her life with the idea of yearning for other peoples’ affections; not just one, or the idea to start a family, or to settle, but to earn the friendship of two dozen people. I think, today I have learned something about myself, that my convictions are at least, stronger than my doubt, and when I was told it wouldn’t make a difference, I think it did, even if she wouldn’t admit it.

And though I wasn’t allowed to lecture her, I think, I hope, that having someone to look you in the eyes and tell you that they are there for you, might be a start for someone. It may not be enough, and it may not be the end goal, but it might be a start.

The thing is, and I’ve thought long and hard about this. I don’t think that seeking the approval of other people is what is important in life. I think that the only person you need to seek approval from is yourself, and when you can’t satisfy yourself, you seek other people to fill that gap. I know that inner voice is harsh, and burning with an accusing tone, but you are the only person in the world who can change that.

My biggest critic is myself, and I let myself continuously fall into a controlling, demeaning tone which is belittling by nature, an accusing tone telling me over and over that I’m not good enough for the things I want to do, the person I want to be, the places I want to get to, and that needs to change.

I think, so, by no means is this the right way, but I think that the most important person to seek approval from is definitely yourself.

If you can change that accusing tone, you’re already on the right track. Rather than seeking extrinsic motivation to live your live look inwards and ask yourself the questions “Who are you?” and “What do you want?” “How will you get it?” and “What’s stopping you?”

I think we should all have goals that are related to us, and ourselves alone, ones that don’t rely on other people. Goals that are personal to you, be it travelling, or reading all the books you’ve ever wanted… if you’re not trying to get out of your shitty situation, then you’re choosing to stay in that position.

I think it’s time I commit myself to myself so I don’t contradict myself for a final time this summer. I need to remember that the focus should be on me, and not be wavered for the first person that comes my way.

Stop being a victim, and go get what you want from life, and remember to enjoy it, for you, and no one else!

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That summer feeling

It’s that time of the year, between the hayfever, and allergic responses where I actually want to leave my house and soak in the sun. I want to, for the first time in a few years now, and though I used to avoid it like the plague when I was younger, I love the feeling now. Now, now, now, I’ve got a few plans for summer, and I’ve got a few things to say.

Firstly, I want to lose thirty KG, and those of you who’ve kept up with my blog will know that I originally said 40, yes, I’ve lost 10, and I want to keep going. In all honestly, I feel a bit better, aside from the unrelenting tiredness that comes with hay fever, but I’ll live with that. I’ll admit though when I seem to meet new people I end up slacking and that’s what I did last week, avoided judo because I was with someone, when really, I should’ve just taken her. Ha-ha.

Next, I want to get through a hundred pages of my novel. Sure, maybe it’ll only be the first draft but I want to start working on something that’s personal to me. I’m fed up of giving myself excuses and such, but hopefully… no more!

On the next part of my list, I’ve got to challenge myself to write my dissertation over summer, which I’ve got no clue on the content as of yet, but I wish to write something using the minimalistic style, which those of you who follow me should know that I’m terrible at and that I like to flare things up in my writing– I mean, why not? Ha.

I need to read the books for next year– no question about it. I’m still on ‘A Sicilian Romance’, which seems to be quite fun to read so far, but I should get on with it.

Lastly, I want to meet someone I can share not just my life with but our life with, and you might be reading this rolling your eyes, and tutting under your breath but I can’t pretend to not want that closeness etc. In fact, I met someone I shared five days straight with, which was quite rare for me, considering usually, after a first date I want to run. People scare me, okay? Haha.

I guess I got along with this person, which was a nice surprise. In fact, I’m seeing her tomorrow as well, though drama does like to follow her, I am looking forward to getting to know her more.

Speaking of other things than romance, I’ve started my internship and seeing how that goes.

So all in all, I’m looking forward to this summer, and can’t wait until I can get up and take my daughter to the beach when it gets warmer. Hopefully, we’ll have some company with us.

I hope everyone enjoys their summer and has a great time!

Don’t forget to smile because it might brighten someone else’s whole world up!

 

Water, oh noes, lemme smash, and TEST TEST

I’ve had one brilliant day today; a really good one. Flippin’ heck, as my teacher would say. Lots of things on the list of this evening’s post.

Firstly, I know we all play hot and cold due to having our very dynamic and varying moods, but it’s been a real pleasure getting to know someone new lately, in fact, I’d say it’s the most I’ve talked to someone in a few years, and if any of you know anything about me, that means more to me than looks, intellect of the ability to provide satisfaction, (tell me you didn’t say satisfaction in your head like in the song?).

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Moving on from that and onto my canoeing adventure today! I went out with my best buddy Conor to have a fairly fun experience canoeing down the River Wye. So, we didn’t stop off at the pub, and it was Conor’s first experience canoeing! Ha-ha, something to remember, and amongst certain conversations and a long conversation with him about someone he met, and teasing him with the meme ‘lemme smash’ which will be shown at the bottom of the post. (you’re welcome). We spent a few hours rowing down the river, and we spent a few hours, including breakfast getting there this morning.

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One of my friends, Liz, took us there, and we had a chat with her and her mum. It was a nice catch-up and I remembered why I missed seeing them so much, she used to be my neighbour and we used to see each other every day, and now, I hadn’t seen her in about a year, maybe two. That will definitely have to change!

So, after finishing the course and heading home, we missed the bus and had time so we had a lovely meal at ‘The Punch House’ in Monmouth where we ate a taverner’s chicken meal, which was what we would call Huntsman chicken, ha, can’t fool me.

Image result for the punch house

After wasting some time, we went home. I’ll be honest, the bartender scared me a little. Either she was in a mad rush, and the boss of all things in that place, or she just simply didn’t like us. Maybe she knew we weren’t from there. Who the heck knows.

After leaving Monmouth at about 4:30, we fell asleep on the bus, waking up now and then, in Usk and then Caerleon before getting back to Newport. Jeez, such a long trip. We headed to the train station and heard of a fatality halting some of the trains.

When it comes to death I feel callous and cold, and I had the opinion that people die every day, why feel sad over another one? And, I think if there was ever a Sims 3 friendship sign above our heads, it would’ve been a negative one above Conor’s. He was quite conflicted about how to feel about it. I suppose that’s the difference when you hear about several deaths on the tracks, compared to the first time. I may be a little heartless but I appreciate the tender look at life in cases like that.

After a good day out we went our separate ways, and I almost missed my stop by falling asleep, again. I got off and headed home. I realised how burnt I was, and have red marks down my wrists, face and kneecaps. I do have a tan line on my left wrist from my watch, which amused me for a little while. I know, it’s the little things, right?

I sat down for a bit, talked to a few people, casually said goodbye to two people that had been communicating with me for a while but with empty words, as if they felt they had to but weren’t interested in getting anywhere with me. I didn’t feel much about that, I guess I’m getting used to saying it now– who knows whether that’s a good thing or not.

 

In other news, I unboxed my delivery and opened my grey pair of trousers, white shirt, and waistcoat waiting for me. I’ve got to look professional when going to teach on Monday, haven’t I? Ha-ha.

Finally,

I’ve been testing out a different style of writing, one in which I don’t fluff around with the words and get straight to the point until it comes to an area of immense drama, to create a more intense atmosphere when needed.

My teacher gave my some good advice and she said, “you can’t start off with a nuclear explosion and then go back to normal.” It made a lot of sense to me.

Here’s a sample of what I’ve written, what do you think?

 

                He made her a promise; that he did, a contract so to speak, though it was more of a death wish with that woman. Thomas was a fool who promised the world a new skin. Everyone, including he knew it was impossible but still he pledged his services at an early age to a lady who caught his eye. Probably the gold of a fool that kept his eyes shining. A fool’s gold usually gets him killed, and this one will, probably.

Twelve years old, a year earlier than the rest, Thomas, a boy of pale skin, fine brown hair, and piercing green eyes knelt before a girl not a day older. She was a little different, like the consort to the most impeccable innocence. Far-stretching, but true just the same. She had raven-black hair and sapphires for eyes. She granted him a dance, and a fine one at that. They never touched, not once, but when shuffling around one another like a pair of mating birds they were connecting, something more serious, and only a touch more dangerous.

A promise is a promise and that’s just what he did, and when he leant in, their faces almost touched, but he was close enough to use that silver-tongue for something, “Open your window after the dance and come with me for a walk please?”

The young lady smiled, Freya was her name, and she liked his arrogance, and admired his courage. That was dangerous, too; more so. The men in the room chuckled, and drank themselves to sleep telling each other stories of how big and bad they were during the last war. Trinson told stories about how he stood as the big scary wolf with lightning-fast reflexes. Nilvar told stories about how he charged through a hundred men like a mighty boar with his hammer. There were seven others, whose names were not important, not to Thomas, at least, and that’s the one who stayed awake. He was watchful of Alaric’s ire, a boy a few years older who had an eye for the same girl as he, yet could not pluck the courage out of the air around him like Thomas could. Thomas had plenty of that, and if he could have only plenty of one thing it would certainly be courage. He was a fool after all.

Everyone retired to their chambers, filling the rooms of a usually empty castle, and instead of having cold stone walls like it typically felt like, it felt warm. The corridors were littered with standing torches and Thomas had to be careful. He opened the door to his chamber, cracking it open an inch before freezing. His father, Trinson turned, burping and farting his way back to sleep.

So, that’s that. I’m tired, and about to head to bed. If I’ve forgotten anything…. ah yes…

lemme smash:

It could be argued my friend is very much in this situation. heh.