‘First things first
I’ma say all the words inside my head
I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh
The way that things have been'(Imagine Dragons – believer)
(Imagine Dragons – believer)
I am tired of the way things have been, so very tired. Let me just write a list:
- Spending my time trying to talk to people who don’t want to bother with me.
- Giving excuses for why I can’t do something
- Not doing something well enough – the standard that I set for myself.
- Second guessing myself
- Getting anxiety over the most illogical things.
- Avoiding the chance to write due to feeling not good enough.
- Playing video games.
- Letting other people shape what I want.
- Being hesitant, and not explicitly saying the truth like I’ve always strived to because it hasn’t come up.
- Causing trouble.
Let me just say, if you’re on that list, the list of the people who just really, explicitly, undoubtedly don’t give a shit, can’t be bothered to spend two seconds of the twelve hours you’re active online in a day to message back, or ever think of messaging me, count me out. Count me fucking out. I’ve been really hesitant about this and scared to act just in case I upset someone, or get told I’m being dramatic; you know what, if you read this and you know that type of person is you, and you have no damn excuse, just disappear. Run, because I’m done.
Secondly, I keep giving myself excuses for why I can’t do something, such as sports, writing new ideas, travelling, volunteering, and mindfulness. “It doesn’t matter how I feel” is how I usually see it, albeit lately, I’ve been thinking about myself a little more.
Getting lower than expected grades due to the simple reality of me being moody that week, or not feeling up to it, or not caring enough due to feeling anxiety, self-pity parties or something else; it isn’t good enough. It’s not good enough at all and I’m really going to smack myself hard if I don’t sort it out soon.
I keep second guessing myself, striving to do something but then feeling I’m incapable because of how someone else has made me feel, or simply because I don’t think I’m good enough. It needs to stop, and I need to grow a pair, Jesus.
I’ve been getting anxiety over the smallest of things; opening a letter just in case it’s another screw-up, financial problem, or some other issue that’s going to play on my mind because life takes far too long to sort out when it comes to anything remotely helpful.
I’ve started a dozen or so blog posts over the past few weeks, if not months, and discarded them, or looked at the page with the idea of not wanting to do something because of how it may or may not come across, or a dozen or so reasons, when my writing is for me– sorry to say– it’s not for an audience, most of the time.
Video games is a joyful thing but it makes me discard too much of my day-to-day life and I want to get out of the push to play games in order to escape my problems, difficulties or barriers due to the fact that if I spent as much time doing other things than playing games I would’ve been able to master three things over by now. 10,000 hours in three other things? Definitely, should’ve spent my time on something different than gaming. Fuck sake should’ve listened to my parents. (Don’t quote me on that, guys.)
I have a habit of living my life for other people, and that doesn’t mean I’m a selfless person who loves all manners of life, but rather, I allow people to root themselves to the direction I’m going in life, and I contemplate changing course in order to satisfy someone else when they don’t actually show commitment, or the idea that people would do the same for me is just simply too far-fetched, illogical, and I know this, but I just get naive– I suppose that’s the fool talking.
I’ve had a million and one events where I have what if’s, what what’s, and how I can go around telling someone I’m not interested, or that I’m not after the same thing they are, or how we get our wires crossed when it should be so simple! Fuck me, it should be simple. So, fuck trying to get to know people or trying too hard. I think it’s me time.
On a plus side:
- I’ve started jogging.
- I’ve started learning Judo.
- I’m taking my diet seriously, except the odd event or two.
- I haven’t spent a pretty penny on games this time.
- I wrote 5 pages tonight.
- I decided tonight to stop trying so hard.
‘A sound soul dwells within a sound mind, & a sound body.’ (Soul Eater)
Talking about things other than me:
‘Mostly, I’m tired of people being ugly to each other’ (Green Mile)
Learning words like ‘ghosting’ which is something someone does when they can’t be bothered to tell someone the truth, so they block someone on everything…
Or, the political affairs of the world, choosing the worst kind of devil… I mean, come on people, wake the fuck up!
The last quote I’ll give is this:
‘Lesser, greater, middling, it’s all the same. Proportions are negotiated, boundaries blurred. I’m not a pious hermit, I haven’t done only good in my life. But if I’m to choose between one evil and another, then I prefer not to choose at all.’ (Andrzej Sapkowski,