A bitter taste

“But somewhere along the line you changed. You Stopped being you. you let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you’re no good. And when things got hard you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. you, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get it, and keep moving forward. how much you can take, and keep moving forward.” – Rocky Balboa

There are many things in life that you come across which you are completely unprepared for; be it having children, dealing with conflict, personal or political, depressions and anxieties, and social change, losing time, and many more things. Something that I don’t think anyone is prepared for is war.

War is something that is as old as we are, and some people argue that it is in human nature to war and to fight, to kill, and to take, because of we, as homo sapiens seem hellbent on the savagery of our most primal instinct. Arguably powerful men argue over the longstanding argument which has plagued kingdoms and nations for as far back as we have recorded history: We need war for peace.

I’ve always believed there needs to be a balance, which is why you hear of these great times, where civilisations rose and fell overnight from plagues and sicknesses like the natural balances are restoring. Is this argument, that primal instinctual drive collective, unconscious, something that naturally creates monsters so that we can face a time of hardship and self-destruct?

Spiritualists talk about the idea that each and every one of us has a monster inside of us, lurking and churning, waiting for us to make a mistake so it can seep in its claws.

The thing is, I don’t believe we are restricted to our past or our unwelcome behaviour. I think war is for the weak, and killing, damaging, hurting, cursing, and destroying is for the weak. I don’t think it’s the case of our animal instincts luring us onto a path we can not return from.

I think we make a choice, and we need to ask ourselves whether we can do better.

Pain, in my belief, breeds beauty, and beauty is what I’ve seen over the last few years. When a bomb goes off,  like the one in Manchester did and you have hundreds of people helping, volunteering and acting out of love for their neighbour. People of all religions and of none, because religions do not define you. Such things where people automatically feel inclined to help and actually do help are such amazing people and they are people to look up to, without a doubt in my mind.

The people who are not people to look up to are people who stood, stumble and fall into darkness, into copying acts of human history with bigger toys because they’re too scared to try better ways. Now, I won’t pretend like our governments are perfect, neither here, nor there, nor anywhere but I’ll tell you this, whether it is us bombing them, or them bombing us it is wrong. That’s what I know.

You might think it’s cool or fine to bomb people because they’re foreign, or different, or don’t follow the same ethical code as you, but it isn’t. It’s the same for terrorists like the terrorist of Manchester, it is disgusting, and it is shameful.

Dozens and dozens of bomb threats have been raised since Manchester, and people have retaliated against their neighbours, sure, you might suspect your neighbour of being a terrorist, but there is nothing worse than revenge against people for sharing the same colour as a terrorist, or having a similar beard, or have been known to read the same book.

These people are sick with the delusion that what they are doing is right, and there will always be people who understand right from wrong but some people lose their fight to their monsters and become one. I’m not justifying actions or saying it is okay, but what I am saying is that we need to rise above this, and be better because what matters is now how we are hit, but what we do after we get hit. It should have never gotten to this point, but here we are because people are too scared to act even with the information they need to arrest and detain questionable people.

I feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to feel that way. Some people are treating this like a game of chess, and that people are pawns, well– they are not, have never been, and never will be…

Have a nice fucking day. Be better than that monster.

This has all left a bitter taste in my mouth that can no longer be ignored.

We can be Better

‘First things first
I’ma say all the words inside my head
I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh
The way that things have been'(Imagine Dragons – believer)

(Imagine Dragons – believer)

 

I am tired of the way things have been, so very tired. Let me just write a list:

  • Spending my time trying to talk to people who don’t want to bother with me.
  • Giving excuses for why I can’t do something
  • Not doing something well enough – the standard that I set for myself.
  • Second guessing myself
  • Getting anxiety over the most illogical things.
  • Avoiding the chance to write due to feeling not good enough.
  • Playing video games.
  • Letting other people shape what I want.
  • Being hesitant, and not explicitly saying the truth like I’ve always strived to because it hasn’t come up.
  • Causing trouble.

 

Let me just say, if you’re on that list, the list of the people who just really, explicitly, undoubtedly don’t give a shit, can’t be bothered to spend two seconds of the twelve hours you’re active online in a day to message back, or ever think of messaging me, count me out. Count me fucking out. I’ve been really hesitant about this and scared to act just in case I upset someone, or get told I’m being dramatic; you know what, if you read this and you know that type of person is you, and you have no damn excuse, just disappear. Run, because I’m done.

Secondly, I keep giving myself excuses for why I can’t do something, such as sports, writing new ideas, travelling, volunteering, and mindfulness. “It doesn’t matter how I feel” is how I usually see it, albeit lately, I’ve been thinking about myself a little more.

Getting lower than expected grades due to the simple reality of me being moody that week, or not feeling up to it, or not caring enough due to feeling anxiety, self-pity parties or something else; it isn’t good enough. It’s not good enough at all and I’m really going to smack myself hard if I don’t sort it out soon.

I keep second guessing myself, striving to do something but then feeling I’m incapable because of how someone else has made me feel, or simply because I don’t think I’m good enough. It needs to stop, and I need to grow a pair, Jesus.

I’ve been getting anxiety over the smallest of things; opening a letter just in case it’s another screw-up, financial problem, or some other issue that’s going to play on my mind because life takes far too long to sort out when it comes to anything remotely helpful.

I’ve started a dozen or so blog posts over the past few weeks, if not months, and discarded them, or looked at the page with the idea of not wanting to do something because of how it may or may not come across, or a dozen or so reasons, when my writing is for me– sorry to say– it’s not for an audience, most of the time.

Video games is a joyful thing but it makes me discard too much of my day-to-day life and I want to get out of the push to play games in order to escape my problems, difficulties or barriers due to the fact that if I spent as much time doing other things than playing games I would’ve been able to master three things over by now. 10,000 hours in three other things? Definitely, should’ve spent my time on something different than gaming. Fuck sake should’ve listened to my parents. (Don’t quote me on that, guys.)

I have a habit of living my life for other people, and that doesn’t mean I’m a selfless person who loves all manners of life, but rather, I allow people to root themselves to the direction I’m going in life, and I contemplate changing course in order to satisfy someone else when they don’t actually show commitment, or the idea that people would do the same for me is just simply too far-fetched, illogical, and I know this, but I just get naive– I suppose that’s the fool talking.

I’ve had a million and one events where I have what if’s, what what’s, and how I can go around telling someone I’m not interested, or that I’m not after the same thing they are, or how we get our wires crossed when it should be so simple! Fuck me, it should be simple. So, fuck trying to get to know people or trying too hard. I think it’s me time.

On a plus side:

  • I’ve started jogging.
  • I’ve started learning Judo.
  • I’m taking my diet seriously, except the odd event or two.
  • I haven’t spent a pretty penny on games this time.
  • I wrote 5 pages tonight.
  • I decided tonight to stop trying so hard.

 

‘A sound soul dwells within a sound mind, & a sound body.’ (Soul Eater)

 

Talking about things other than me:

‘Mostly, I’m tired of people being ugly to each other’ (Green Mile)

Learning words like ‘ghosting’ which is something someone does when they can’t be bothered to tell someone the truth, so they block someone on everything…

Or, the political affairs of the world, choosing the worst kind of devil… I mean, come on people, wake the fuck up!

The last quote I’ll give is this:

‘Lesser, greater, middling, it’s all the same. Proportions are negotiated, boundaries blurred. I’m not a pious hermit, I haven’t done only good in my life. But if I’m to choose between one evil and another, then I prefer not to choose at all.’ (Andrzej Sapkowski, The Last Wish)

 

A Game of Hot and Cold

What kind of games do we like to play with each other?

One minute you could look me in the eye and tell me that you love me, and the next you could walk straight past me in the street. Is that love, a game, or the way we’re becoming nowadays? You know, you can spend the whole day scanning through social media without actually being social.

I know the feeling. I check facebook, reply to people with robotic responses because I’m not sure what to say, what to ask, what options to explore, and I’m afraid of making choices that seem too intense just in case things escalate and one becomes two.

It’s rarely conscious, though sometimes, it is. Maybe it’s that I don’t have enough time for someone, or that they’re not looking for me, but looking for someone to fill the void.

Maybe I’m looking to fill that void; is it possible that we are all searching for something to wake us up – to make us feel loved, understood, alive?

Just me then?

Maybe I’m just a sapiosexual, seeking out people who are intelligent or have that spark about them, which makes some others seem like rather dull flames. Or it could just simply be that my primal instinct is to look for someone who matches my DNA, who knows.

But I’m not sure what to really expect from someone who plays that game of hot and cold. When someone shows immense interest in you, and the next day they forget who you are. I don’t understand it. Though, I heard a friend say once that with men, they are fine until they speak and everything goes downhill from there. I had a giggle with this and found it quite amusing.

The thing is,

I’m not sure what direction to go in, whether to even bother anymore with the idea of finding someone. In fact, I think I’ve stopped and my brain is just catching up, waiting for someone I can bump into one day and fall.

On a side note, I’ve forgotten where I’m going with this, and as a divergence from the actual message, this blog post is supposed to have I’ve always wanted a double-headed coin so I can always toss it with the intention of giving something a go.

Maybe I should just think less.