On Our Own Heads

What are we without honour, without out own word?

Let’s talk about stress. An extension of those disruptive emotions; your anxieties, fears, hardships, problems, and fight. Let’s forget one moment that we pretend that we’re all okay. Let’s just shove that in our pockets and pretend, no, allow ourselves a moment to understand what stress does to us.

It gives us that crippling sensation, the damage in our lower back where we are tensed up. It gives us that dry feeling in the back our throats and makes us feel like we’re going to be sick, when in actual fact, being sick would be a godsend in moments like that. It applies pressure to our heads, around the temples, at the base of the neck, like a dark shadow looms around you plunging its long claws into your mind.

In reality, its effects can be quite disastrous. I mean, it can make you feel isolated. It can make the easiest thing feel hard, and it can make the smallest of problems feel like a long, treacherous obstacle.

We all feel it, and we are all affected by it. We all know it, and it is and isn’t always there. Sometimes we can push onwards, pretending like nothing bad matters, and that we shouldn’t talk about it, ask about it, or get upset when things aren’t the way we at least try to expect. But then it hits you like a wall filled with barbs, razor wire and seven other annoying, painful things that can be spiked to a fence. But you’re told that’s just life and that’s how it is.

So, even when you want to scream you get silenced, be it by yourself, or by those around you thinking they are helping, or even those who have the exact same feeling tormenting them but haven’t a second thought of how it could be the same for you.

Now, this isn’t some reach for sympathy, it’s a wake up for anyone who cares enough to listen. Being an empathetic person, a severely empathetic person to which point it can feel debilitating to have day to day interaction with people, on a personal, or of social construct, it’s so difficult to  want to talk to people and get to know them without all of the fears of how you’re going to get affected by their mood swings in themselves.

That being said, I’m no saint, I get moody, and swing from tit to tat, quite possibly on the line of a label or two, but insisting that I carry on and be fine, because it’s how I was brought up, and possibly the trickling sensation of my stubborn, yet audacious personality that assists me when I’m down and out.

I made the mistake of airing my laundry on here previously, about some miscommunication, which I’m sure I don’t need to say but I will admit my fault there, but that simply reinforces this stance of understanding that everyone gets pissed off. Everyone gets hurt, and everyone feels.

And it’s okay.

I have a habit of being 100% with someone, and when something goes wrong, I 0% any future conversation because it’s like my defence mechanism due to how much I expect, and then get disappointed. That’s a me thing and my own fault for expecting some form of anything from anyone.

The problem I have is expecting things like respect, or I have a bad habit of taking people at their word. You don’t need to promise me something to give me your word. It can be as simple as,

“I’ll meet you at 10 am on Sunday, see you then.” and naturally, I’ll automatically, and understandably believe that we shall see each other on Sunday, at 10 am. So is it wrong of me to feel a bit shit when I don’t get a reply and don’t get given an excuse, a simple two seconds of time to say “I’m not going to show up, sorry, see you next time.” I mean, is it so hard?

But at the same time, given what I said above, I think there can arguably be a stance on such things like whether anxieties get in the way, mental quirks that I’m sure we all have something or other of, but I’ll admit, I don’t think of that, until afterwards. So I’ve a habit of saying sorry first or just saying sorry.

In fact, I rarely get an apology back, but that again, is okay, because I’m trying to learn not to expect anything. It may seem like a sad way to be but it is the way I’m learning and simply put I don’t write this to ‘lay into anyone’ or hurt anyone’s feelings, but simply show an understanding to how I am, and what I think when things happen.

There are two things that will quickly get me not to like you.

The First is… Ignoring me.

Now I can argue this point with myself on how much leeway to give someone but the fact is, when someone doesn’t have five seconds in a day to say hello, or that they’re busy it does make you feel like shit.

The only time I forget to reply is when my phone goes off, my notifications don’t show up, or I’m talking to someone in person because I think it’s rude to go on my phone; but hey, hit me up again and I’m sure I’ll reply!

I certainly won’t wait weeks to reply and then get upset with you for trying.

The second is when someone makes you feel small for feeling crappy about something. If someone has spent the time to sit down, write out how they feel and try with you, it means they’re trying to save whatever friendship or otherwise you have, not ruin it with negativity, and if it is negative, it could simply be the way it has felt, not the way it has been. So think about that before ridiculing someone for feeling sad.

I mean, with the stress I’ve felt lately, I’ve taken a few things the wrong way, and I know that some of my friends have taken things the wrong way as well, but it usually takes just asking about the problem to solve it in seconds, instead of holding inside your head and letting it grind you down.

The point I’m getting at is that we all have shit on our backs, and bags that we carry, and I don’t want to be a garbage truck where I collect everyone else’s negativity and hold onto that, gifting it to the next sap that walks my path and has the unfortunate opportunity to bump into my grumpy, angry ass self.

Why should I be that person to you?

This is starting to seem so ranty, but it wasn’t my intention. I just don’t want to be the person to be stepped on anymore, and though I’m boisterous and sometimes louder than I seem, and make out I handle things better, sometimes I don’t, and sometimes I can’t so for anyone, including myself who feels it necessary to pour one’s garbage on another human being, we carry our own bags and don’t need other people putting us down… because if you’re like me at all, I do that enough on my own.

So, I’m sorry to all of those who have felt my moodiness. Thank you for understanding me, and looking past it, I will certainly try my best to do the same with you, but if I do push you away, don’t let me, please.

We can be our own worst enemies but we don’t have to be.


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