Not a Wolf

Sometimes all it takes is a discussion with a friend about your future which can kick you back to reality, and wake you up. It certainly is an interesting point to get to when you’re not so interested in the passions of the human body,  but yet, somewhat hedonistic in approach. I’ve been called selfish and been told I’ll never find anyone because I’m unwilling to settle and that I won’t stay in a place I won’t be happy.

I want to be happy, with not just myself, but everything else. I want to be able to wake up in the morning, smile, and say “I got myself here, me.” and I don’t want to settle for someone where I won’t be happy, nor be able to challenge myself.

I want to explore.

It’s a strange concept for me, but I want to climb mountains just to say I’ve done it. I want to see the difference between the way coffee is made on one side of the country to the other. I want to walk through forests and climb to the top of old castles. I want to see the world for the way it is, for what is left, before it’s gone; before I’m gone.

I want to learn.

I want to understand the way our language– the English language works, and then, I want to learn new languages, explore new ways of communication, and I want to express that through my writing. I want to learn new ways of living, and I’m already doing so– with trying to stay positive and such, but really; I would love to go to Tibet and find an understanding.

I want to travel.

I want to visit the wonders of this world, natural and manmade. I want to sit in the cafes of Japan that might remind me of my childhood and all those real-life drawn anime. I want to visit China and read about their history. I want to visit Italy and see the vaults in which the old world sits. I want to visit the places where gladiators fought to the death and where Hannibal killed himself after being captured. I would love to walk a pilgrimage, and one day I will; not because I’m an avid believer in any religion, but because I want to experience the idea of hundreds of people walking with the same singular goal in mind.

I want to be able to let myself be.

I want to not rely on people, and reach out too far. I want to stop looking for love, and looking for answers. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror, and only want to be me.

I want to exist.

I want to do more than just cling to life, eating, sleeping, working, repeat; I want to live, and I want to exist. I want my days to feel like they are going to last a lifetime even when they only last a minute or a day.

I want to feel free.

I want to be me.


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