Breaking, but Never Broken

There are times where I feel like I am at the peak of my life, the pinnacle of my existence, and other times… other times I feel that I’m a waste of fucking space. That’s not because I’m self-hating, nor is it because I’m a miserable asshole with a stick up his backside.

In fact, a little handy thing to know about me is that I don’t think I’m smart, and I don’t think I know it all; I don’t think I’m some amazing person who has done amazing things and helped loads of people; I certainly don’t think I’m all that grateful.

In fact, sometimes, lately, I can be a little moody, or off. I’m trying my best to be nice and deal with everything, but it’s hard! I’ve had a horrible cough for the last 12 weeks, I’m on antibiotics and now have an asthma pump. That’s taken me back to when I was a kid and brought back some unwanted feelings from my younger years.

That being said– though I feel down I’m not down and out– I’m here, and still standing. I’m going to commit to a stress test Wednesday, and I’m going to hammer out my chest, hoping to kickstart my body into an accelerated performance. We’ll see if that works, and if not, I always have a pump nearby just in case I have an attack instead.

It may sound reckless, but from what I hear, you don’t get anywhere in life if you don’t think big. I remember when I was young… I was told that when I hurt my knee, it would take six or so years to be able to run without a problem. I said, “Fuck that.” and ran every day. It hurt like hell but eventually, the pain subsided, and I slowly pushed the cartilage back into place. It may not have been the safest method, and it may have gone a different way, but it didn’t, and I was able to jog the 2 and a half miles I needed to pass my test for the Navy. It was a shame that they don’t accept fat bastards like me because I couldn’t meet their weight standards; I’ll never forget that.

And that, that hasn’t stopped me, either.

I lack sleep, low on caffeine, my love life sucks, (literally) it’s terrible. Every person I meet, or like, or talk to, seem to either mess me around, or that has been how it has been for a while now. And when they don’t mess me around, we somehow become friends, and that’s that. Weird, huh? That’s another story though because I’m not writing this post to reflect on having to walk 10 miles home Friday night, on my birthday.

I’m here because even though I’m struggling to breathe right now, I’m not giving up. I’m hurting, breaking, and chipping away at my mental, and physical welfare all I can until I either break or crack enough for something new to appear. We’ll see which one comes, but I’m pretty sure though I may be in pain, and be pissed off with my lack of control over my coughing fits, I am certainly not giving up, and I’m certainly not broken.

So, I may digress, and I may sleep on clouds, and I may get moody, but you know what, I appreciate every single person who has come my way and those who have been there. In all honestly, I don’t know what I’d have done without my best buddy hanging around; so I appreciate that more than anyone could imagine.

So, this isn’t a rant, and this isn’t me giving up, or getting stressed over the little things, or feeling wrecked. This is me hitting a low and saying, “fuck you, you’ll have to try harder than that to beat me.” I think that all of you should try it, too.

Fuck what people who don’t deserve your attention think about you, fuck the people who make you feel less than okay, less than adequate; fuck them all, and think about you. You are the one who is important, to you, and even if you’re not important to anyone else, and you’re free to enjoy everything that life has to offer, remember to ENJOY it. Remember to be you, and not to let anyone step on you.


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