Many things

There are many things I’ll not figure out, none of which I have answers for. There’ll never be a problem to which that I can solve whole. There’ll not be a chance I can see where I’ll figure out the right from wrong, which led me down this path of awe, and gold, all new.

I’ll never know whether it was right, or wrong, which helped me end up where I am now, and I’ll never know whether what I’m doing will prove my worth to any of you. It matters not what could’ve been, or would’ve been, or what might be and it matters not what once has been or never was.

I’ll forever keep in mind, that one has to fall and hit the ground to figure out how to stand and I’ll forever keep in mind, the mind frame expected of a man.

I figured out I knew you, from the day we first met and figured out we’d have a lot, too much to regret. I never realised how much had already been, or what was yet to come– it wriggled in our skin. It pushed our paths so far apart, from what they could’ve been, but it matters not what sin has happened, for we will never win; at life, at goals, at Paradise, all are but a dream.

We forget what we found, in each other’s hearts, a sense of heareth, which played a powerful part. It dragged us down and held us tight, clamping onto our sense of light. It clouded our direction, and gave us quite a fright; without it now, it hinders our own might. It isn’t too bad if we forget what got us here, from our plights, our crucibles, and negative appeals, but what would be bad is if we kept the pain that we felt soar, between our fingers and between our toes. It fed on our audacity and our stubborn need to roar.

We may be heading in different directions, and we may be getting old, but reminiscing about our hearts is what helped our stories get told. That sensation that once tendered us is now a world apart.

The world does tease me, with people who play their part, in our lives and after them, weighing down our hearts. Sometimes family and sometimes friends, sometimes it’s the little things that stop us in our trends, but never has it stopped me from being here for you.

I thank you, life, for allowing me to remain true.

I thank you, friend, for showing me the darkness in you.

I don’t think I’ll let myself remember why we hide, this side, that side, clinging to my hide. Freedom is a fickle thing that lets us burn and grow, but stops us from freezing, from our heads to our toes. So remember this, and remember that for one day you will stop, and ask me “What was that?”

The Book of Dan

I keep getting jokes thrown my way due to the overwhelming complexity of my irritating mind. I mean, I think–I think–I think–I think and I think. Sometimes, the conclusions are pretty simple, and sometimes, a penny, and a paperclip equal human evolution. Makes sense, simple, right?

So, from talking about ghosts, historical figures, political distress, over complicated explanations for very simple things, I’ve decided to work my way into the idea of the book of Dan, this is secretly a real thing that all Daniels share; we’re awesome like that. In it to win it, as they say.

–Oh, who am I kidding, no one says that.

Anyway, to bring forth a new concept and idea to this blog, I’ll introduce the way that I think.

I use keywords to determine a pattern that triggers memories, that bounce back, and interlock with those keywords, reverting back to the question. Sometimes, it works, and others not so much.

This train of thought…

Question/keyword -> Memory -> Person -> keyword -> Memory -> Answer.

It’s like a boomerang of thoughts or a patchwork of expression. Awww, shucks, look at me, using my language teaching mumbo jumbo to define my inner elaboration. Excellent.

I’ve got a nasty habit of thinking about the past, I almost wrote pasty then, but I wouldn’t mind a pasty right now, but, that’s not the point. I’ve got a nasty habit of thinking about people from the past, events, regrets, and have trouble reminiscing old thoughts.

When, in fact, I never miss the person, and I think I simply miss those memories.

Since January I’ve been really good at just living in the now and not thinking of the past or the future. This has helped me improve this rather serious looking smile I sometimes plaster on my face and help me appropriate an intelligible idea of happiness. Honestly, I do get happy moments, please believe me! Ha.

Needless to say I think it’s time to put to rest the ghosts of my past, and finally super charge my tired mind into a stream of usefulness, integrity, and thoughtfulness, and all that other good, cushiony stuff that makes things better. You know the stuff.

So, the book of Dan, that was what we were talking about, right?


Rule 1: We don’t talk about the book of Da–

I mean, rule 1: Daniel is not one thing.

People have tried to define me as many things, and they’ve all been wrong. I’ve sought to describe myself and been wrong as well.

The closest anyone has ever gotten, was when I was called a fool by a woman eight or so years ago. The reason why I don’t see that in a negative light is that a fool is someone who is at the beginning of their journey. Able to walk in any direction, and not be bound to a single choice, journey, or have anything about themselves or their life/lives set in stone.

If I am anything, I am unpredictable and predictable. Maybe I’m predictably unpredictable. Jeez, mind-boggling, right? Not really. What’s wrong with you?

poster.jpg

I hope you enjoy my fat emblem.

Brilliant.

Anyway, I want to keep going positive, and have so much going on over summer, in the coming months, and even right now, so I’ll catch you later. *winky face*

I’m joking. Get over yourself. Not everything is about you, that’s why there’s a book of Dan… Jesus.

Happy Mothers Day

I owe my mother a lot. She’s been there for me, and us, my daughter and I, for as long as I can remember. She’s always put us before herself and rarely ever complained about it.

I owe my mother for teaching me patience, to not seek revenge when someone wrongs you, but to feel pity for them instead, and to not let your anger get the better of you.

And though my experience of people being mothers is mixed due to being a single Dad, without my daughter’s mother in our life, I think I’m an okay substitute for mum and dad at the moment.

It does bring a tear to my eye when I get messages from my friends saying “Happy Mothers day.” Initially I hated the idea of it because I’m not my daughter’s mother, but hey — I appreciate the thought.

For all you mothers out there who try just as hard as I do, or even harder, I take my hat of to you, don’t ever think you’re a bad mother. You’re trying, and you’re there. And it’s not what you can provide but how much effort you put in. Cracking.

The almighty buzzkill

So, be it online dating, or offline dating, it’s been quite an interesting year or two. I’ve met a dozen or so people, and they were very different from one another, but also, some people have amazing similarities.

I mean, I’ve met 3 people, who have told me they are aggressive people, like, they can get physically aggressive, and throw a punch or two, and offer severe emotional discomfort when they feel uncomfortable, or annoyed…

That’s just what you want to hear when you leave a long-term abusive relationship, right?

So, when someone does tell me that they are aggressive, that’s it, spark over– may as well pissed over the fire that was interested in touching you– because that’s it. Gone.

Perhaps it’s wrong of me to be put off by people like that, but at the same time, I would be an idiot to enter a relationship with someone who was impulsive, and aggressive in one bundle. I mean, fuck me– how do these people mate?

Aggressively punching their way into sex? I’m not quite sure. But, it’s not my cup of tea, so far so, I’ll give tea up for coffee completely if tea drinkers are the naughty flaunty fighters.

I mean, it’s not like I’m looking for someone perfect, just, sometimes, things put me off people.

More insecurities than a heroin addicted chimp will put me off. Sure, we all got them, insecurities up the arse, but there’s a limit; surely. I mean, I have a child already and call me a prick, an asshole, or a dick, but there’s the point of love and the point of looking for someone to dress you in the morning. #notacareranymore .

So, yeah, I’m full of sass tonight. I apologise in advance, but I’m  sure you wouldn’t believe my sincerity.

Other than insecurity central, which, don’t get me wrong, I have a few myself, but surely, gotta ask, even though a “bitch ain’t one” you gotta wonder what those 99 other problems are, for example.

Then you meet some people who just want to stay in the same place forever, which, isn’t a bad thing but I not for me. I want to see the world, Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Iceland, Italy, Germany, Tibet, Japan, China, and Canada. Probably many more I’d love to visit, but I’d settle for moving to a few and visiting the rest.

Now, by this point you must be thinking, “So why are you looking for someone if you know you’ll be leaving this place, and going abroad?” Can’t expect anyone to go abroad with me, right? That’s what you’re thinking.

Well, I’ve been disappointed enough by other people who promised me everything, to plan my life around anyone else other than myself, and my daughter. But no, you’re right, I would think about what the other person wants, if they wanted to visit a country, not on my list, and stay there, you’d bet I’d consider it. But, I’m not staying in a place where I’m pretty sure God is trying to drown the bloody place at this point.

Anyway, I’m not after extravagant, or expensive… Maybe I’m looking for someone who has that element of not giving up. Can’t be too hard to find, right?

But hey, other than dating, life is going crazy enough as it is. From hailstorms to gaming tournaments, from mini golf to steak of the art, and from writing a novel, to airing it on YouTube.

So, it’s not like I really have time for anything serious I suppose. Lately, the arguments with people I meet after a couple of weeks are enough to put me off altogether. That being said, I met someone lovely, but they’re not interested in going abroad, which is fine, but I think I’ll kick myself forever if I don’t take up this opportunity to see the world.

I should just stick to my plan. Maybe when I wake up in the morning, I’ll have the motivation and self-drive that I had before the horrid start to my academic year. I got one test out of the way today and observed a friend’s lesson. Now, I’ll be doing mine next week, and that will be scary yet exhilarating. I can’t wait!

Time to work on portfolios, See ya. Welcome to my dating life, it sucks right?

I might have to invest in one of those life pillows and be done with it.

I just want to ask everyone who reads this blog a simple question…

Do you know how annoying it is to have the song “You got a friend in me” stuck in your head?

I do, and now you can, too. Here:

 

One warning, hopefully, no one takes offence to anything I write here, most of my writing contains sporadic, spur-of-the-moment thinking. Have a nice evening!!

I can’t wait to go back to the gym after all this panic about assignments is over!

Breaking, but Never Broken

There are times where I feel like I am at the peak of my life, the pinnacle of my existence, and other times… other times I feel that I’m a waste of fucking space. That’s not because I’m self-hating, nor is it because I’m a miserable asshole with a stick up his backside.

In fact, a little handy thing to know about me is that I don’t think I’m smart, and I don’t think I know it all; I don’t think I’m some amazing person who has done amazing things and helped loads of people; I certainly don’t think I’m all that grateful.

In fact, sometimes, lately, I can be a little moody, or off. I’m trying my best to be nice and deal with everything, but it’s hard! I’ve had a horrible cough for the last 12 weeks, I’m on antibiotics and now have an asthma pump. That’s taken me back to when I was a kid and brought back some unwanted feelings from my younger years.

That being said– though I feel down I’m not down and out– I’m here, and still standing. I’m going to commit to a stress test Wednesday, and I’m going to hammer out my chest, hoping to kickstart my body into an accelerated performance. We’ll see if that works, and if not, I always have a pump nearby just in case I have an attack instead.

It may sound reckless, but from what I hear, you don’t get anywhere in life if you don’t think big. I remember when I was young… I was told that when I hurt my knee, it would take six or so years to be able to run without a problem. I said, “Fuck that.” and ran every day. It hurt like hell but eventually, the pain subsided, and I slowly pushed the cartilage back into place. It may not have been the safest method, and it may have gone a different way, but it didn’t, and I was able to jog the 2 and a half miles I needed to pass my test for the Navy. It was a shame that they don’t accept fat bastards like me because I couldn’t meet their weight standards; I’ll never forget that.

And that, that hasn’t stopped me, either.

I lack sleep, low on caffeine, my love life sucks, (literally) it’s terrible. Every person I meet, or like, or talk to, seem to either mess me around, or that has been how it has been for a while now. And when they don’t mess me around, we somehow become friends, and that’s that. Weird, huh? That’s another story though because I’m not writing this post to reflect on having to walk 10 miles home Friday night, on my birthday.

I’m here because even though I’m struggling to breathe right now, I’m not giving up. I’m hurting, breaking, and chipping away at my mental, and physical welfare all I can until I either break or crack enough for something new to appear. We’ll see which one comes, but I’m pretty sure though I may be in pain, and be pissed off with my lack of control over my coughing fits, I am certainly not giving up, and I’m certainly not broken.

So, I may digress, and I may sleep on clouds, and I may get moody, but you know what, I appreciate every single person who has come my way and those who have been there. In all honestly, I don’t know what I’d have done without my best buddy hanging around; so I appreciate that more than anyone could imagine.

So, this isn’t a rant, and this isn’t me giving up, or getting stressed over the little things, or feeling wrecked. This is me hitting a low and saying, “fuck you, you’ll have to try harder than that to beat me.” I think that all of you should try it, too.

Fuck what people who don’t deserve your attention think about you, fuck the people who make you feel less than okay, less than adequate; fuck them all, and think about you. You are the one who is important, to you, and even if you’re not important to anyone else, and you’re free to enjoy everything that life has to offer, remember to ENJOY it. Remember to be you, and not to let anyone step on you.

Never have I ever

Never have I ever agreed to someone’s last minute ‘birthday’ present. Never have I ever been spoiled on a date. Never have I ever been on said date, with a woman sixteen years older than me. Never have I ever thought I would have such a shit time. Never have I ever thought I would have to walk home from Blackwood to Pontypridd 3 am before. Never have I ever thought I would be stuck in the darkness of the countryside.  Never have I ever been so grateful to see a message from someone I used to know. Never have I ever been so happy to see a taxi driver, regardless of the cost. Never have I emptied the contents of my pockets and wallet into the hands of the taxi driver when finally getting home.

Never have I ever thought I would do all this with a chest infection, and ‘temporary’ asthma. Never have I ever thought I would give up on certain people. Never have I ever thought I would be 100% done trying to look for a partner. Never have I ever wanted to be further away from you. Never have I ever thought about dying alone in my bed, star fishing in my bed, until I met you.

Never have I ever thought any of this would’ve been true.

Rumination

I propose that ruminating is the one thing I do most of all. I think, and think and think, thus, I ruminate. I would say that over thinking helps you come to the end point of a problem faster, but, it may also hinder, or even disable your thought patterns, or even you. It is a dangerous thing; overthinking. Sometimes, by all means, you could be right, but also, you could be very far from the truth.

The problem with rumination is the struggle to find balance; the balance between thinking and letting things go. For me, I think the lines are still very much blurred… but I do try.

via Daily Prompt: Ruminate

Same Old, Same Old

You know, there are some days where I feel so sure about everything.

And then there are others where I feel… less so.

Lately, I’ve had more of the latter. In the midst of having too many portfolios to work on presently, I’ve hit a snag when it comes to meeting people as well. Being messed around is an understatement but recently I came across something called ghosting.

Ghosting, when someone feigns interest and then just deletes you from every form of media, and pretends like you don’t exist. That, lately, has been something that just seems awkward as fuck.

No idea about you guys, but I miss the days where people had the courage to just say “Sorry, but I’m no longer interested. Goodbye.” I mean, the common decency of today’s society is worsening and there’s very little you can do about it other than show people the right way to communicate.

The irony of it is that it’s helping me get to a place where I can successfully say that I don’t want another relationship. I just want it to be simple; me and my daughter.

Perhaps it sounds harsh, perhaps it doesn’t, but I’ve been on a sliding slope down, and very aware of this lately, so on that note, it’s time I jumped off the slide mid-way, and climbed back up the scaffolding. I’m tired of having the predictable ups and downs. Let’s get on with it, eh?