Over the past few days/weeks I’ve been pushed away from study because of something personal that happened to me. You can read it here: What we deserve. This is something that has caused quite a horrible push of negative energy my way. It has caused me, anxiety.
I have never been in a state where I’ve sat in a room, surrounded by one person, or 40 people, and felt my heart get flushed, or for it to make me feel so uncomfortable, so discerning that I feel the need to leave, and practically enter a fight/flight reflex.
Now, I don’t know how other people perceive anxiety, or that other demon usually associated with it, but more than anything, these passing weks have made me feel uncomfortable. Someone hurt me very much by making me feel unsafe, and it was a genuine, heartbreaking surprise that someone would stoop so low to hurt me, and try and ruin my future. That, being taken into account, was by someone who knew I was caring for our child.
It makes me ask the questions of what other people could do to me, what other lengths could anyone else go to, to hurt me, who doesn’t have that tie to me, who doesn’t have any remorse for whether or not they hurt me because they know it will not affect them, in any way, shape, or form. I can’t let anyone close enough to hold my hand, hug me, or speak to me close enough to be in arm’s length without feeling uncomfortable.
Not always, certainly not all the time.
But, this is my fucking problem, one minute, I’m atop of the world, forcing myself to recover, but, other times, I would feel as though I was falling through the floor. Sinking, like a pool of quick mud, sinking, unable to breathe, and that’s just it… It isn’t fucking real.
And, as someone who has meditated their way out of anger, and someone who will meditate out of this shit, but still, it’s confusing, difficult, and problematic. I’ve never felt unsafe, knowing that in an instant, one single lie, could get your reputation destroyed, and your life possibly ruined.
I’ve never felt like life is more like a game than I do right now…
Sometimes, I feel like I’m chained to the floors, and the walls, and right now, I feel like I’m falling, but tomorrow, who knows… maybe I’ll break them…