I can feel the anxiety hit when I look at this screen aiming to write this. My hands start to shake, my heart starts to pump faster, and faster, and I feel like closing my laptop, but here we are. If I listened to that fucking thing I wouldn’t get anything done, though it’s nice to know my body cares about what affects me, eh? Never looked at it like that?
How could anxiety be your friend? I mean, clearly it’s working against you? It’s trying to stop you from doing things that make you feel shit, so when you do feel like shit, it pulls that feeling away from you, and onto itself; do you get it yet? Well-maybe you and your anxiety are looking into two different directions, but what do I know, probably nothing.
Moving on, this will probably be the most down-to-earth, real post I’ve written all year, or it could be fairy land, and you could be reading a story about me floating on a flying boat, sailing to the stars. One could imagine, right?
So, to summarise this year, September 2015-September 2016: I’ve gained many friends, and lost the same amount, I’ve argued my way through conversations, and shut the world off just as much, I’ve walked away from several possibilities, several meaningful conversations, I’ve walked away from several people even though they may not know it, I’ve ended friendships, ended lies, ended laughs, and ended cries. I’m sitting here fucking exhausted, and there are many reasons why. I’ve fallen in love this year, like the puppy love where you feel that you are on top of the world, and nothing could go wrong, however, it was a shit situation, I was a puppet, and a bloody fool.
When I do something stupid, I imagine Freya calling Thomas a fool, or what my characters would do in the situations I have been in. I’ve talked to Freya, and sought advice, asked Liset Rosaire what advice she had to give, and looked at Thomas, and wondered how he would battle through the situation… then I asked his monsters. Sure, perhaps they are different versions of myself I’ve crafted a world around because I have a book to write, so how would they be able to help me? Surely, all they know, is what I know, so what could they possibly help me with?
Thomas helps me with my drive forward, he helps me understand that no matter how hard the situations I come across are, that I must always push forward, because that is his way, and he gives that advice to me; so I push through, and push through, and close my eyes at the emotional, or otherwise pain, I strut off the physical pain, and torture my soul with the memories of pain.
Now, I don’t mean memories of pain as in I’ve been hit, or had a fight; think deeper… I sometimes get the nostalgia that is common with my character Thomas, which is practically terrifying; literally, terrifying.
My special ability, my super power, is having photographic memory of faces, and places. That’s all, it’s pretty useless, unless I wanted to change my job role to a warrior poet, but that’s pretty unlikely. What’re you supposed to think when you start understand that there are no good, and bad actions, and reasons, there are just actions, and reasons. We make a choice, and it doesn’t matter what reason you do them for, they will always lack morality. I have a problem where memories hold to me like the term attachments in paranormal idealism. Attachments – a term used for low energy beings which are attracted to you to find answers to their questions, and will only leave you when they have found the answer. They get attracted to you because you’re either the opposite to them, or you are the same.
That’s apparently why you feel sad for no reason, or feel any other emotion, for no reason.
moving back to the point: the reason this ability is so terrifying is because when I miss someone, when I think, I can see the memories move in front of me when I’m in the same location, like take my house.
Take the person I fell in love with this year: I remember dancing with her to a ridiculous song, and hugging for far too long; I remember us staring at each other a dozen times more than we should’ve. I remember her going through my cupboards just to see what I eat, and we got closer in such a short period of time, closer than I had been with anyone else. How close we were, was something I had only ever dreamt of; imagine this: someone who can look at you, for just a single second, and make it last for such a long time, and then understand what you’re thinking without asking, or knowing what you’re going to say, and the feeling was reciprocated. Those feelings, the feeling of being safe around someone, and feeling okay to show your vulnerable side; the one that doesn’t wear armour, or a mask, or a cloak… but then we made a mistake. We got too close, and did a wrong, and we had two different opinions about what was the right choice, and what was the wrong choice.
I had been in her boyfriend’s position where I was the one cheated on, and so, when I was the antagonist of the story, I felt terrible, and it weighed on my heart. I waited two months for her to tell him because I let her convince me that it was the wrong decision to make, to tell him. Then, suddenly, for about a month, going from talking every minute of the day, down to one message a day, one message every three days, a couple messages a week, and so many messages that just went without answer…. I was left with this horrible feeling that I had did something that I would never want to do to someone, because of how I felt in a relationship once. Sure, he wasn’t perfect, but my point is, if you don’t care about a relationship you end it, and if you’re pulling someone along for whatever reason, when you don’t care, it’s not fair, no matter who it is.
The problem is, this person did that with me, and though it could be considered none of my business, it was very much my fucking business. It weighed on my consciousness, and I was starting to wake up without a smile again…. So, my only regret is that I said it out of anger, and said more than I should’ve, but I told him. I convinced myself it was only fair, after consulting people around me, some who were there for me, and others who weren’t, and the answers were the same.
What is none of my business, is what he did with the information, and what arguments they had, now I’m stuck with the plaguing feeling of feeling horrible because of this shit. Now, I lost that friend, that person who was closest to me, because I couldn’t “Bury the body for her” so to speak, and instead, I didn’t let her change my moral compass, so, to me, I did the right thing… so why does it feel so shit? Why does it feel so horrible?
It simply doesn’t end.
It’s not the only thing I’ve done this summer, and it’s not the only thing I’ve screwed up, but this, I will remember for the rest of my life.
Today, I have a reason to be sad. I’ve done some amazing work over the summer, and have made choices, some of those choices have forced me to end some long friendships, and have shown me that I shouldn’t put my trust into people…
Not so freely, but I probably always will be so stupid, so much of a fool, but right now? when someone asks me to trust them, to believe in them, to know that they are there for me, I can’t give them an answer, or re-assure them that I know, I just feel numb.
Now, when I close my door, and things quiet down, my daughter is in bed, and I sit here. I think, and I think, and I think, and I get so fed up of thinking that I think about thinking, but also, more than that? I have started to ask myself what is the point in trying with people. Whether it be romantic interests that I’ve gotten close to and they have suddenly changed their mind, or shown themselves in a different light, or whether it is a friend I’ve had for 3 years, or a friend I’ve had for 7, who ruins the friendship by messing with my head, trying to make me have feelings for them, because they are in a bad place but want someone to care, which shows me they can shit on our friendship when they feel bad.
I’ve been used as a back-up plan for someone who wanted to visit me, out of friendship I thought, then they made it into something more, then changed their mind because they found better plans, or realised it was no longer uncomfortable with their ex partner, and wanted to resume their holiday with them, so instead of rolling over and saying okay, like I’ve always done, I’ve told them to go fuck themselves, and ended the friendships, because what is the point in being a friend to someone who isn’t.
The worst thing about it, is that if anyone, whether it’s someone I once loved, or someone I have walked away from, I will always have time for them if they needed me; if they showed up at my door for example, I would let them in, not shy them away.
I’ve always been like it, maybe it’s out of this time, but what part of me isn’t?
Anyway, other than friends I’ve lost, I’m now to one or two friends I can count on my fingers, and the ones who are there in person? down to one or two at the most.
I’m okay with it, it is what it is; the loneliness of feeling horrible about doing what I perceived as the right thing is what pisses me off…
So, for those I’ve wronged, and those I’ve upset, or hurt, I’m sorry. Life is too long to go on hating, and I am sorry that being me, myself, takes precedence over anyone else… I am sorry that I made a choice that didn’t result in your happiness alone, but I am not sorry for walking along my path, and doing the things I needed to do for my happiness. The people who have offended me, and the same friends who upset me, are the same ones who would never forgive me for me making the same choice they would make, and the same ones who wouldn’t care for what I think, what I feel, and how I act… and those people, those, are not, and will never be people in my life who are considered important to me.
I need to change a lot, about myself, the way I project myself, and the how much i let people affect me. I think I’m done with people, in general. I really think I am. Right now, I can’t handle it, so maybe I’ll focus on myself long enough to improve to a decent standard.
If I was one of my character’s right now, I’d be Thomas when he wanders through the woods, and forests alone because he doesn’t trust humans, he doesn’t trust anyone but his very own hands, and right now, I’m wandering through wilderness alone.
But it’s okay… I’d like to say I’m not used to it, but I am.
To top off the loss of friends, and being messed around by people I liked, or they ‘liked’ me, I had an interesting conversation the other day where the mother asked if we could get back together, and I never felt so scared in my life, I thought about it, but something deep inside my soul told me to back away, and run. I tried talking to her, and explaining, but she got angry, and I understood that she was just trying to fill the same hole that she could not fill when we met, and when I wouldn’t be the piece of her puzzle, she got angry and changed fact to opinion, and so she is no longer in my life now. At all. She gave up being a mother to her daughter, because she couldn’t control her anger, and even when I offered her a chance to stop the madness she was expressing, even after she attacked me, I still offered, and she fucked that up too. So, there are many people in life I will never trust again. I was asked once, “Who would you trust the most if you needed to be saved, like if you fell off a cliff, who would you call?” I would call no one.
I would jump, or climb up myself, if I fall, it would be my fault, and my fault alone, because so far, all I’ve known is that whenever someone holds their hand out, and offers help, it always comes back to bite me in the ass, and I just don’t want to be a fool anymore…
So here we are, we’ve come to our end. I’ve told you my crappy story of a crappy year, and I may be at my wit’s end, and I know there are one or two people out there who will read this and get upset with me, thinking I don’t see them as a friend, but, instead of getting mad with me, prove me wrong… Show me that you can be there without getting angry, or without expecting ridiculous amounts of effort from me, but giving none. If you want to be in my life, and want me to be in yours, show me.
As for right now, this will be my last post on this blog. It’s time to move on from it, and stop airing out my dirty laundry. It’s time to put the past behind me, ghosts, and all. From this point, it’s about my daughter, and myself. If anyone wants to be angry with me because of that reason, then walk through the door, and never fucking come back. Eventually, the loneliness will stop again, and I will look at myself in the mirror with a smile on my face.
This year has been pretty shit, and I’m not letting another year be like this: the problem is my focus has always been on other people, and now I just want to focus on myself. My summer plan was to lose 36KG, I couldn’t, because I kept letting myself get down, and one thing happens after another… but I will reach it, and it’s not the only thing I will do.
So, I went from, “Believe in yourself for when you don’t, I will” to “Bang, see you around, cowboys/girls”
Now, I’ll end it with a Doctor Who quote:
“Stories are where memories go when they are forgotten”
So, if you’re reading this now, and we were once the closest we could ever be, look for my stories. I’m sure you’ll find us, somewhere.
Goodbye, and a warm-hearted thanks to those who have been with me from the beginning, and those who have recently followed me. I appreciate you taking the time to read this.