When I stop to think

So, it has almost been a year since I started this blog, and I’ll be closing this blog in September 2016. I will be moving on to a creative blog that I’ll start at the end, where I’ll no longer be discussing my life, as it’s time I stop trying to publicise the things I’m doing with my life so much.

I’ve had a hilarious run over the last year, met my fair share of stalkers, bunny boilers, moody moaners, and sensitive Sallys; I’ve made some amazing friends, and lost some amazing friends, all in the same year. I’ve done a complete circle in my music tastes, going from rap, to rock, to hip-hop, classical, folk-music, medieval, back to classical, and now I’m stuck in this weird mix of the lot. Hey, all good fun right?

So, all in all, I’ve figured a lot about myself, and that I’m really, practically entirely done with listening to other people in my life. I’ve got a plan for how next year is going to go, and I’ll swear by my very being, that I will smash it. I’m not going to let a few fussy Fiona’s distract me, or going to get caught up in focusing on anyone who won’t reciprocate the amount of focus, or people who take, take, and take, without giving back.

So, from this blog, my experience bar has gone from 0% to 99%, and I’ve almost had a level up. But hey, all has not been lost, and though I ended up falling for someone this summer, it was a good reminder of how human I am, and it doesn’t matter how disconnected I feel, love is something I will always feel, and it had been about 8 years since I had butterflies in my stomach when talking to someone, and if it takes another eight years, so be it… it was worth it.

So, I’m going to end this summer, knowing that I’ve tried my best to be active, and stay to at least some of my commitments, (What, you think I stayed to all of them, knowing it was summer? come on?), and tried my best to study, read a few books, audiobooks, have creative days, grammar days, and when I start, I’ll be focusing heavily on my work, and my studies. So if I turn into a shadow, or someone you don’t hear from, remember I’m still here, and would always appreciate the company, or the conversation, but I’m trying to work on me, and focus on myself.

Looking back at some of the posts I have written over the last year, I come to the conclusion that I am one of the most manic people I know, and my mood often escalates into “Gods cannot upset me today” and drops to, “I don’t want to get out of bed”, but though that may be true, I won’t give up, working on myself. I will keep pushing through my obstacles, and there is one thing I learned from meeting my problems head on. Sometimes you meet people who act like your friend, but they couldn’t care less about you, sometimes, even the advice they give is to hinder you, not to help. So, bearing that in mind, I’ll stop reaching out, and asking people to help me, apart from one or two people who have proven themselves to me this year, so much so that I know they will be a part of my life for a long time to come.

So, my next summer will prove to be more interesting, with a trip to Sweden, and a trip to Spain, but none of that will happen without me stepping up my game. I’d like to come to the end of my year, and realise I am capable of doing these things I’m aspiring to do, and I will get them done. I realise that our brains, my brain is a programmable machine that I can change the way I learn, and process information if I try hard enough… so what’s the point in letting myself sink into the negativity of feeling like I’m not going to succeed? I may as well put all of my effort into my work, because I may think that some friends will be there forever, but you can either rise with them, or fall behind… besides… I don’t want to stay in Wales forever, after my degree, if I can get this right… I’m outta here!

Anyway, I’ll be posting up until I begin my first day of University, I thank everyone for reading up to this point, and I hope you have enjoyed coming on this rollercoaster of a year with me. It won’t be long til I gotta finally take that mask off for good, and show the people I love, that I am here.

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