I’ve felt confused for much of my life: I think it started with meeting someone I fell in love with, but the pieces didn’t fall together. Now, lately, I’ve been distant with pretty much everyone, and when I think about words like this; words like confused, I think that I have come to a point in my life where I sometimes feel broken, as if something had to be my fault, for the reason why things went wrong, not the second time around, or even the third, but the first time. When nothing seemed wrong; it may have been my own fault, indeed.
I mean, when you look at things, I fell for people too fast, showed too much affection, and made promises that people, in this life time, have never, and will never reciprocate or make. So what do you do in a place where you feel like you were born into the wrong time, a time where things like honesty, pride, and truth are broken words, and broken vows. What do you do when everything you stand to feel that is right, is wrong in the eyes of those around you, or that sometimes, you feel like you’re being pulled around so much, so much that you get confused in yourself, “Am I right? Am I wrong? Is this not the right way for me to live?”
And this world, this world, the age we live in, a mixture of teenage emotion stretched across all ages, combined with the self-destruction that social media offers us. I had thought about a quote I resonated with a few weeks ago. And since hearing it, something aggravated me about myself. The fact that sometimes, most times, I feel like I’m standing on an island, away from the people I care about, or the people I once loved, or still do. I feel alone in my fight, when it shouldn’t be like that, and shouldn’t feel like that. You have to understand something, the words that i heard were, “The reason why I failed alone, the reason why everyday was a struggle for me, every time I fought, I lost, was because I was never meant to fight alone.”
It may not seem that important to any of you, but this quote caused me to lose a little faith because that’s all I’ve been doing, on my own, fighting against destiny, sometimes my path, sometimes even my being, holding back actions, holding back words, and sometimes, just sometimes, I’ve come to a tipping point, where I feel like I’m being pushed to an edge, where I either jump off and fly, or fall. I think that is why I get headaches, and that is why I push people away, or get mad at the people I love, because sometimes I feel more alone with someone than I do on my own. What is wrong with the world when I get along more with my shadow, than I do with my closest friend. Or perhaps, there is something wrong with me?
Most of all, I come to realise that when I fell in love with someone this summer, I felt something I hadn’t felt before, and I know why we will always be friends, is because she felt it too, and that was a moment, a strange connection I can’t quite understand, but it always give me such a funny annoying smile on my face, and that will be something I will never forget. It confuses me, it makes me not want to be alone anymore, but at the same time, it scares me, because if it was unwanted, then I would assume it would dissipate, but such a feeling of knowing what a person wanted, without a single word being shared… It was just a look you gave someone and they knew, and the same in receiving that look from them.
It was something, that I had only ever written about, because I had never felt that feeling, and then I did, and in the next moment, it wasn’t gone, but unreachable, and that was when you feel this gripping pain in your stomach, as if you did something wrong, but it is just the way the world works.
Whenever I find discomfort in things like this, I reflect on the things I’ve done and been through and think, “Sometimes, you meet the right people at the wrong time.” and perhaps that is just what it is, or it was just a moment in my life, I’ll always remember.
That is the most confusing thing, of whether to chase something like that, or let it go.