The person I want to be

I’ve been looking in every direction, and walking in every path. I’ve been looking forward, while keeping my eyes on road I’d left behind. I keep looking for answers to questions even I don’t know. I can honestly admit I’m not sure what I expected out of life, but I expected more than this.

So many people are in delicate bubbles of the thinnest armour. They are so sensitive, and so exhaustingly dramatic. Over the last couple of years things have just worsened; I don’t know whether that means I have become older, and notice it more, or whether this world of ours is just getting more and more sensitive.

Now, I know I’m one of the most sensitive people around, as in I’m in touch with a ridiculous amount of empathy, and hide it well with dozens, if not hundreds of jokes or some serious, slightly sinister smiles, as if I’m enjoying torturing myself with my average day. I am sitting at my desk, writing this post while listening to this song and watching the video below.

So, I’ve come to the stage in my life where I would like to tell myself I have some idea of where I want to be, or some idea of what I’m doing, and I suppose I’m right. I know I want to be a teacher, and I know which country I want to end up in. The problem is that I can’t help feeling this disruption in my stomach, like I’m supposed to be somewhere. Have you ever had the feeling like someone, somewhere is calling your name, as if someone’s calling your phone but you can’t answer it?

Whether I have some kind of borderline personality disorder, or borderline manic depression, or whether I’m just weird is another question. I mean, christ almighty, one minute I’m so frustrated about everything, and five minutes later I’m as serene as a lake. Who knows… I could just be stressed. Ever find it weird how most people end up with high blood pressure when they’re stressed but I get low blood pressure? Interestingly enough, I have no idea why that is.

I have no idea why I can set my mind to something and keep going and going for weeks and weeks, progressing very well, but boredom slips into my mind so quickly, and all of a sudden I find it the hardest thing to look at. The biggest problem I have, is that I get bored!

I mean, who knows where we truly end up. Sometimes, I feel like we have a beginning, and an end. The rest is meaningless, timeless, inter-changeable, and it doesn’t matter how much you run from something, or run to something. You could completely defy your destiny, and it always pulls you in a direction at one time or the other. The question is, if you feel yourself being pulled in a direction… do you fight it, or let it take you out to sea? Do you let it guide you somewhere new? Or do you paddle, even if all you have are your hands to paddle with?

It has been two months since I fell for someone who seemed absolutely perfect in my head, and she quite possibly was, that version of her anyway. Each passing day I find myself becoming more distant with her, and whether that is because she prefers to joke than to be serious with me, or that she’s keeping a secret from someone who I can not agree with. That, or is it even any of the sort? Is it simply the fact that I can no longer deal with the self-sabotaging people in my life, and I can no longer deal with the people who get tangled in their own lines.

I’ve come across snaked who bite themselves, and spiders who tangle themselves in their own webs, I’ve come across people who have been exact copies of characters from my novel plan, and I’ve come across both villains and heroes that I should be able to come to terms with accepting, but they are so set in their ways, just like the characters in my story, it’s almost as if they have pre-determined ways of living. I notice it a little bit more now because I’ve got me one eye open, and I see them thinking, be it in person or not. It’s almost like clockwork, you know the answers they’ll give, and understand the way they get to them, but you can’t help but feel you’ve known them for a life-time or two, and they wonder why you try so hard.

Though it’s not just one. It hasn’t been one person I’ve met who I’ve had this experience with, and whether they think the same or not, in a short time, it’s like a whirlwind of emotions covering a short time; I guess sometimes, times like these, I feel out of time, out of place, and sometimes, out of mind.

But perhaps, I’m just exasperated, and in need of a good sleep.

 

As for the person I want to be? I want to be someone who can be self-reliant, and not be bound to the people I have these ties to. I want to be in a place I can choose my own path, my own way, and if there is an optional approach, and if all of the choices I am to make are tiring, shit, and not an option, I want to be imaginative to walk around them, and choose the option that is hidden, as it seems, that option fits the most with me.

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