I’ve been up for about 36 hours now, and it’s given me some time to think, and after a call last night I realised that nothing is what it seems, and nothing is ever set in stone, either that, or everything is.
I’m not sure where to start on a night like this. The stars, and the moon which I value so much for reasons I can pretend I can’t explain, when in fact, it’s because they make me feel less alone, and I used to gaze at them in wonder, in a hope that one day they’d talk back, and maybe, just maybe they felt the same way I did.
For as long as I can possibly remember, for as long as I’ve been a lucid thinker, and a lucid dreamer, I’ve been looking for something, searching for someone; it was as if I had been pre-programmed to look for a specific person in this life, and I don’t know what that is supposed to mean.
Now, there are sometimes, during my day, or during my life where I feel weak, like my bones are breaking, my limbs are aching, and my mind is drifting away… Scary, right? I’m used to feeling this, now and then, as if a past version of me was so battered, so bruised he couldn’t let go, and keeps a firm grip on my shoulders.
I find it so difficult explaining it.
In previous posts I’ve talked about things that have happened throughout my life that I couldn’t explain, and I’m not going to become spiritual guru V.1.0 on you all here, but sometimes, things like that make me feel disconnected, and especially so when someone you value the opinion of so much, looks at you stupid, tells you that you must be imagining things for that to happen.
As for friends, I have come to the conclusion that I have a huge difficulty trusting someone, or anyone for that matter, and those who want to be my friends, or who care closer than most to me, sometimes forget that. This summer, this year, the last few years, this whole damn life has been one long stretch of exhausting miscalculations because I am someone who is in the wrong era. My time was over a few hundred years ago, I am sure of it. I wish I could explain it properly, or better.
I realised, that I have trust issues. A deep, tangled, knotted knot of sticky, squashy rope, that you have no idea how to untangle, but when you try, your hands get stuck. My trust issues aren’t misguided, or because of something pretend.
I downplay every bad episode in my life. I pretend like nothing phases me; I pretend like nothing can hurt me. I walk around with a facade of relaxed shoulders, and a stern look that can stare into the soul of another. Whatever.
I’m in my twenties, and I’ve fallen in love twice. Twice. I don’t mean, the type of love where you feel a puppy dog feeling, or your first girlfriend; I mean, the type of love which you can look at someone and spend every waking moment with them; the type where you could spend your whole life around them, and never get bored.
I’ve been lucky in that sense, but also, very, very unlucky.
I’ve stared into someone’s eyes, and had them tell me they love me, and it sent shivers down my spine, and ignited a fire in my heart, causing it to race like crazy.
“Me?” I thought, exasperated, and on the verge of a panic attack “You love me?”
“Yes.” But it wasn’t a yes, it wasn’t even a maybe. In fact, i got strung along through five or six years of my life, because she was so far inside a level of trust where I put her on a pedestal and couldn’t believe she would ever lie to me, hide it from me. Even when she had a partner, she had a way of making me feel as if she loved me. It sucked, and through time, I found a voice, and was hurt many times, not just by her but by friends, and by people I cared for. I started to stop trusting people, and in doing so, I began trusting myself.
The more I trusted myself, and the more I got to know myself, the more I asked why I even needed other people; did I? I could never be sure. There were times, I thought I knew, but it slipped through my grasp like dissipating smoke.
I laughed at myself, to stop myself from crying. I used to say things like, “I’m just a fool, it’s fine. Hahaha, only I could make a mistake like this, because I’m a fool. I’m a fool. I’m a fool…” I laughed, and shrugged off the world’s biggest idiot. The one who forgives the people who were never looking to be forgiven.
You know something? I met the second person I fell in love with, this summer. I mean, damn, the last time I felt that for someone, was aback eight years ago. Can you believe it? I was told I was lucky to be able to feel such a feeling in as little as eight years. Fuck, I guess I am, and sometimes, I do think I am. But, those are the only ways I can look at it, without feeling like I want to cry.
I’ve argued with her a few times now, asking a dozen questions, trying to fix our friendship, because I tried walking away, because I was upset, and started to feel pushed into a corner I couldn’t get out of . I hadn’t felt like this, since I met the most supernatural lover I will probably ever meet (who, I mean, she was real, but she was the most ‘interesting’ character I’ll ever come across.) and I somehow couldn’t understand this, and it wasn’t that I couldn’t understand that someone could make me feel loved, or that she made me feel as if I wasn’t undeserving of such love, but, I fell in love with her as a friend first, and something came into fruition later, which proved to me, that I was a fool. I listened to her, stuck in a position where she has enough of the word “Love”.
Now, I feel like I ruined a friendship, because I asked too many questions, and got upset over not getting a ‘worthy’ answer, because one of the answers I was looking for, was how stupid could I possibly be, possibly ever fucking be to falling love with two women who didn’t reciprocate the same feeling for me, but still told me that they loved me? I mean, really, how dumb must I be to fall for the same thing twice?
Now, sure, they are both completely different people, but still very much individual.
The one thing I will never forget about the latest one, was the fact that she had an ability over me that we could look in each other’s eyes, and know what each other wanted. It was… it was…. it was weird. A connection that I’m very sure she has no idea what it means, but still, we will never get a chance to see how much of a connection we could have, because she has someone else in her life, whom she is in love with the way I was in love with, with her.
You know what? This post isn’t about love, or about me moaning about the boo-hoo feeling in my tired-self… it’s about the idea that I haven’t got a clue how to communicate with people. I haven’t got a clue how to really talk to someone. I haven’t got a clue how to let someone in. I handle myself, I’m a very strong, independent person, who is one of the very few men in this world to win full custody of his daughter and manage just fine.
But, I can’t help but thinking, in the back of my head sometime, whether is this all it’s going to be? Hindsight told me I’d meet more than one, more than two people who I fall for throughout my life, but I can’t help but wonder whether it will hurt like this every time, because if it does, I don’t want it. I just don’t want to search for something that makes me feel like I’m too broken to share something with.
Now, I admit, I’ve tried my best to remain friends with these people, because I value the connection we had, and value the fact that I could have such a connection with people, as it was something I had never felt before, on both occasions.
Other than love, I have never felt a more comfortable feeling with someone, and knowing that they can no longer put their faith in me, seriously, because I was ready to walk away, hurts. Because sometimes, it feels like they don’t see why I got to that point; it’s like, they wanted me to be someone else. I know they didn’t, but it’s a feeling I had.
I used to think I was strong, because even with tears rolling down my face, I smiled, and still thought of the other person. I’m pretty sure I’ll always be a fool, but I also think the fool in my is going to go away for a while… I don’t think I can let anyone in anymore. I wish someone could show me how, and show me what it’s supposed to feel like without raising me higher than ever before, and watching me fall.
I don’t blame anyone, but myself. It’s my fault I feel these feelings, and it’s my fault I end up the way I am, and worry, and think, and bother over everyone around me, even the people who don’t deserve it.
But, what are you supposed to believe in, what are you supposed to do, when someone you want to trust, and want to be with, with all your heart, will forever be on the other side of an unbreakable glass wall.
So, I’ll keep on smiling, and keep on dancing this dance, but if you see past my smile when you see me, and you see the cracks on my face, please don’t come too close, because I sometimes, just sometimes, everything around me breaks, and one, I wouldn’t want to be the one to break you, and two, you wouldn’t want to break me.
Though I’ve fallen down a hundred times, and hit stumbles in my road, I’ve always gotten up, but that feeling, of my body aching, my mind feeling numb, and my soul feeling broken, is the long-winded process, of however many lives I’ve lived, shoved into one, and when I sit here, with my armour on, hiding behind a screen, and a series of paragraphs… I still don’t feel safe, so if you know how to change that, then let me know how, but eventually, I’ll just stop smiling, and tell you I’m fine.
And if this has hit you, and you know me, ask yourself one important question, one really important question… would you notice the difference?
It’s just a drop in the seas.
What comes from dust, returns to dust.
I’m so tired…
How many times do I have to pretend I’m like this
Before anyone realises, I’ll become this:
And when you hear words like this in a song, you gotta wonder what the hell is going on:
“And I am a wounded warrior
And now that the enemy is closing in
I am a wounded warrior
Looking for someone to let me in”
Tomorrow, I’ll get up, and forget about this post, close my eyes, and carry on walking, but tonight, I’m sat here, wondering how long I’ll be a fool for.