This year has been an interesting one. In fact, so interesting, that I feel like I’ve fallen off the rails three times already. I mean, Jesus, some of the situations I’ve faced this year have been absolutely bonkers. BONKERS I TELL YOU! Did that feel like I shouted at you? Good, we’ll need that for later.
So, January was an interesting month to come back to. I had Christmas at my parents house in December, and after going back to University, I found that the girl I spent most of my time with, before Christmas, just disappeared from existence, even though I saw her in class, sometimes, anyway. I mean, at one point, I felt like shouting, “COME ON, WHAT HAVE I DONE!?” and when we did talk, it was very awkward, we avoided eye contact, though she still got jealous with my ridiculously harmless flirting with others when she was around. It was a conundrum indeed. Actually, I don’t think she knows how much that messed with my head, because before Christmas, we were spending 1/2, or 1/3 days together, and when I say that, I mean, the whole day. After we returned to University in January, it went down to a 20 minute coffee every 3 weeks. But, I suppose, that’s what happens when you tell someone how you feel.
In January, I also got myself into a difficult situation where I was trying to be there for a friend, but I ended up getting blamed for a problem that wasn’t my fault. It was just a shitty situation that had gone on too long, due to whatever reason, or most likely, people interfering. It taught me a lot about what to help people with, and what not to help people with. Relationships? THEY ARE A BIG NO-NO. See? Shouting that out, doesn’t that make you feel better?
So, anyway, in February, I got so upset, and distant, that I disappeared, and my cry for help was when I drank a copious amount of liquor, and drunk messaged everyone. I mean, I acted happy, but not a single one of the people who told me they knew me, and knew me well, noticed. Aside from a girl who was a very new friend at the time. I talked about this moment a dozen times, but I will always remember this moment as the time where I found someone I wanted to hold onto.
She came to my house one evening, and told me she read my posts, which were pretty dark at the time, and she demanded some answers, and started to cry over the idea that I couldn’t talk to anyone, and not her about my problems, even though she spilled her problems onto the table the second day we met. It was cute, and memorable. I’m pretty sure I fell for her quickly, though I told myself I wouldn’t, or tried to hide it well, anyway. But, we just had way too much fun, and what not.
In March, she was the only person to buy me a gift for my birthday, aside from having a card from my parents. Sure, I don’t expect anything from anyone. But even the people I bought presents for earlier in the year, or even a month or two before, didn’t even see me for my birthday, so I felt pretty alone. Though the girl couldn’t come over for my birthday, she bought me a lion teddy, to remind me of her because she dressed up in a lion-onesie one day, and knew I found it funny.
In the earlier months of the year I found it difficult to enjoy my time at University. I found the classes either boring, and very fruitless, or I found that they were telling us we should understand this, but it was something they hadn’t even mentioned, or not directed us to where to find the information. Then again, I was put off some of the reading because of the same reasons. It was very encumbering, and I fell into a rut.
My friend kept coming around, and trying to make me feel better, bless her. Actually, most of the beginning months of the year, the good parts, are based around her. It’s sad, in a way, but pleasant in another. I remember dancing with her in my kitchen, and spinning her around. I remember her yelling at me, or knowing what I wanted before I knew. It’s incredible when you get close enough to someone that you understand each other in a way that requires no communication.
Anyway, in April, I started coming back into social circles, and putting my face out there, again. It wasn’t much, but it was a start, though it put me off again, when everyone practically ignored me every time I spoke, and so I gave up on the group we had on Facebook. what is the point in having a group if everyone ignores you, right?
So, I started focusing on me. I managed to pull myself out of my rut, I had a girlfriend, (not the friend) but it didn’t go well, for two reasons. I may have been in love with someone else (Pretty big one, I know.) and two, she bored the hell out of me. I couldn’t talk to her, and all she wanted to do was watch television. AGAIN, BIG NO NO! Ha-ha, I bet you still read that as me shouting at you. In fact, I found more affection from the girl who had become a close friend, than I did my partner at the time. It meant that I had to break up with my partner, which I did. So, that was a very short 4 week relationship. But hey, at least I was being honest with myself.
Moving on, I told my best friend the truth, and how I felt. And she told me she couldn’t, because of several reasons, one being her leaving soon, and another one I won’t talk about online. But, alas, we still got closer, and perhaps it was a natural thing, once feelings are aired. So, in June, I ‘made’ (she came by choice, but didn’t like to tell me) her come to a BBQ/party we had. And that’s when it hit off between us. My fault, I thought I’d be nice, to take her upstairs, and I planned to sleep downstairs with the guys, because there were two other guys in the house, and she grabbed my hand before we left. I won’t go into anymore detail about that, but lets just say, it took about 4 weeks after she left the country (went back home after her year stay here), to get over it. For me, anyway.
What I found was that she didn’t care about what happened, and she did it for me. It hurt me, like a knife to my heart. Really. But, I survived it, and though it tarnished my motivational triumph of finally getting my ass to the gym, I found myself living my day around her talking to me for a while too. I had to get some space from her, so I did just that. Now, we talk very little, just now and then. I had an argument with her on the weekend, which allowed me to see her just as a friend, and though we are okay as friends, we are just that, and we won’t ever be more than that. I’m completely okay with that though. The way things went, it wouldn’t be a good relationship if we did try. As it wasn’t very virtuous to begin with.
That being said, I’m sure she’s trying her best to be my friend. We are getting along, but that’s that.
So here I am, I had been to the gym for nine weeks, and lost 5KG, that’s all. I have much more muscle now, and feel better in myself. The plan is to jog three times a week, and I’ve come to a point where I feel comfortable enough in myself to believe, trust, and honour myself. The only people I have to worry about, presently, are myself, and my daughter.
That being said, I’ve found myself getting closer to an ex partner of mine, who I dated in 2013, and we’ve been good friends since. My Swedish Lady friend. She’s coming to visit me in September, and who knows, maybe things will improve drastically over the next few months, and though we are not expecting anything to happen, it will be a lovely surprised to see her again. It has definitely been too long.
So, over-all, I have much to do this summer, including actually reading the books I promised myself I would read, improve my grammar, and lexis and phonology, and become a better me. I already feel that happening. If anyone tries to interrupt that, or halt my path, I will move around you, jump over you, or just walk through you, and change you from someone who is in my life, to someone who is now a ghost of my past.
To end this post, I would like to state that I met many people on a short two week course I had in July, where I met many people I would love to meet again. Perhaps, I’ll have a holiday in Spain next year, and we could all meet up for a meal again. I’ve never been with so many people that we had a meal between 24-30 of us, but it was amazing, and an experience I will definitely not forget.
So, this has been my catch-up year. I’ve gained friends, I’ve lost friends, I lost myself, and found myself, I’ve been scraping the bottom of my motivation, and now I’m on fire, so to speak. NO DIRTY JOKES, COME NOW. Ha, I bet you read that shouting, again. It never gets old. But, over-all, I’ve come to rely on myself, and that, has been a more important lesson to me, than anything else I have experienced this year. It means that when my second year starts, I will be in a position to manage everything that comes my way, good, or bad.
So, bring it on.