First of all, I want to write about something called emotional vampirism, and how I have come across this term over the past few months, and years, even. The term is used for people who take, and take, and take; I don’t mean in terms of physical possession, or greed, but in something more pure than that, something that is more likely to slip through one’s fingers. Emotions. Many people may not even know they are capable of it, but in fact, everyone is capable of emotional vampirism.
The concept is synonymous to those who are there for people because of the feelings that person gives, whether it is a good feeling, or a negative one. In fact, what you’ll find is that someone will ask you about your day, not because they want to know, and to help, but because they want to feel that feeling of either being helpful, or being passenger to your roller-coaster ride. By that, I mean that people who suffer from this condition, can’t help but make a negative situation worse, so they can feel the emotion from you. I don’t think they intentionally do such things, but I think it is a passive ability certain people create for themselves. Whether that is because they feel empty in themselves, or because nobody had/has ever taught them how to handle the situations of others.
Now, it may seem contradictory or upsetting to read that many people who are there for people, are in fact doing it for themselves, but at the same time, it is a primal function of being human, survival. These people, gain sustenance, mental, or spiritual acceptance through the act of feeding from the emotions of others. That being said though, emotional vampirism can be handled, and directed in a way that is actually helpful, like thriving from positive, and good emotions, which could really help Vampiric people come to accepting themselves.
Other than Vampirism, in the lesser sense… I have decided to begin a journey for myself.
I have been stuck in a trap where I always go out of my way for everyone else, and get stamped on in the process. In fact, I can’t seem to even have a mindless, pleasant night of laughs and conversation without causing myself some trouble. Be it as it may, I have come to conclude that I should take a step or two back from everyone else, and continue to do what I tried to start doing; focus on me.
That being said, I’ve also come to the conclusion that I have to make a few changes to myself, for me to be happy with the way I am…
The obvious one, and the most societal bane for me is my weight. I’ve had the longest self-conscious attitude towards my weight, and who knows where that stem from. Whether it be the fact that the self-image of myself is someone who is thinner? I suppose that would be the ideal image. That, or it could have been the bullying during my younger life. I’d like to imagine that being bullied in my youth helped me become a better person, but that isn’t the case. In fact, when I feel self-conscious about myself, I feel anxious, and disconnected with people. I lose interest, or rather, desire to get closer to anyone, and feel more like an island, as opposed to being an individual.
The place that I have an aim to get to, is not being an island, or someone who is distant, but rather I want to be nothing, and everything, perhaps, both at the same time. I am in such a strange position where I can see every direction I want to walk in, but choosing a direction is the biggest problem. I listen to other people, and though I don’t like thinking I am suggestive, I very much may be. I thought about how it would be moving to Spain, recently, because I have a very close friend there who I don’t see as someone who will walk away from me, but rather stay. That’s what I thought, and sometimes think.
The thing is though, I have a fear of getting too close to someone, because every person I have gotten too close to has hurt me. That being said, I tend to get too close to someone too quickly, and feel that I never quite take long enough to get to know someone to decide whether or not I actually resonate with them properly, be it friendship, or love. That is the problem with connection. For me, connection is one of the biggest concepts that I am, that I have within me, and am capable of. The problem with this is that I both need connection, and also loathe it.
For me, the hardest thing to do, in a mental sense, a spiritual sense, is to trust myself, be comfortable with myself, and to accept myself for who I am. You know, when people ask you the questions of whether things are harder to be sensitive, forgiving, and caring, and you answer with a yes, you sometimes wonder why you choose to be like it. And quite possibly true, over the last few months I’ve been trying to be more like a mountain, not letting things get to me, as well as simultaneously believing that things are what they are, and not questioning everything.
So, for a while I’ve not posted anything, and I’ve been doing quite a lot of thinking.
Somethings I have had to get out over. The girl from another country being one of them. Now I have began to change a few things about me already.
For a start: I’m quitting alcohol. – The last couple of times I’ve managed to have time to myself away from being a parent, I’ve drank myself to oblivion, and it’s wrong. The last time, was enough to put me off. I tried a beer at a friend’s house on the weekend, and it just didn’t do anything for me. I know, only a beer, a change from half a bottle of whiskey, but I just didn’t require the drink. That, and a friend talking about how annoyingly flirty I get reminded me how I come across as, and believe me, I’m no joke.
So, I’ve come to a point where I’m putting my thoughts of others, that special someone, or any other, out of the window. I’m letting go of them, just like I wanted to do two months ago, when I announced self-trust and self-drive. Here I am, the only person I have to watch out for is my daughter, and I need to stop living myself for other people. It’s time to live my life for me.
And, in reality, I don’t need social nights, and to try and talk to a dozen, or two dozen people who seem uninterested. So, if someone wants to be a part of my life, they can show some damn effort. Many who have taken me for granted, need a reminder that I don’t need them, and that will show over the next couple of months.
As for my week… My week has been amazing. I’ve been in a room full of Spanish, Italian, and Polish teachers. They have been absolute barrels of laughs, and have inspired me to try harder, so that I can become a teacher, myself. Sometimes I think about other routes, but it is spending time with people like them that I realise I want to become a teacher. They have been such lovely people, and without a single ounce of malice between them, all they have done is smile and have fun. They did also confirm that Galicia is the land of ‘It depends’ where everybody sucks at decision making. It has however, been a barrel of laughs.
I’ve also learned quite a bit about teacher training, and the ways of teaching. I have a class this week about how to teach using mobile phones. That will be an interesting lesson, I’m sure.
Other than this, I’ve been enduring some rather peculiar, and surreal dreams. So much so, that I’ve been a little put off sleep. Such things that rival my bedroom door slamming open the other night, for no reason… I won’t go into detail about the other stuff but waking up and seeing someone stand at the bottom of my bed, was enough to put me off.
So, other than the freaky things that have been happening in my house, I think things are moving upwards. I’ve been playing pokemon Go, and that has been pretty fun. It has got everyone to be much more social about the whole thing, and I’ve never seen something pull people together as much as this. I sat in a place over the weekend that usually has 2-3 people pass through every hour, and instead, it had about one-hundred-and-twenty people move around the area in that one hour. But, they were all talking!
Anyway, that’s enough about me. Apologies for not being around to post, but I hope everyone is enjoying their days as much as I have been! I have certainly been enjoying running around Cardiff during my teacher training.