Cowardice

Response to The Daily Post‘s cowardice.

Cowardice:

I had never thought about how I harboured cowardice. I thought myself strong, tough, sensitive, but never cowardly.

Cowardice, is not being able to make a choice. Cowardice, is being afraid to take a step. Cowardice, has been me.

I’ve always wanted to change, but never took the steps necessary to do so. By that, even with my weight training, or losing the weight I have, I always let myself get distracted. Back in May, and June, I was a headstrong person, who started believing in himself. I had such promise, and conviction in myself. I mean, fuck, I didn’t need anybody. What a facade that was.

When a woman I was getting far too close to, reciprocated feelings for me, which at that moment in time, felt absolutely perfect, which, I would love to lie, and pretend they didn’t, and I would love to tell you some bullshit story about how I am strong enough not to let something so simple as a couple of intimate moments with a woman to get me down so much, but I’d be lying. And lying, is something I am very good at, but also hate, with a passion.

Now, I’m discussing cowardice because it is a word that has resembled the way I have been with those around me. I should strong-arm through my day, like I would have done, once upon a time, but I didn’t, I haven’t, I wouldn’t, and I couldn’t.

All the ifs, and buts have nothing on me. I’ve been living in a liminal stage of life for a very long time. I’ve held onto people that I should have let go of perhaps a life-time, or two ago.

Cowardice something that we shall never be able to run from.

Cowardice something that will hunt us, the further we walk from it.

Cowardice That trapped feeling, breathless, inescapable.

You know, sometimes, I feel trapped with my circumstances, with my life, but I will forever be the person who is trapped by choice. I know it’s bad to say, or sad to say, and don’t get me wrong, I love my little family, of us two, but sometimes, I can’t help but feel exhausted.

That being because I made that choice, I never had a chance to let go of the ghosts in my past, and I’m never truly alone with my thoughts long enough to mourn them, and then let go of them, so they follow me, almost haunting me. I say, almost.

Back to the woman, the point is that instead of being strong enough to let it go, walk away, and forget about feelings that will have me enthralled, I end up dooming myself by pushing myself into such a path that beckons me to suffer. I don’t take the time I need away from that person, those people. I end up swaying, like a ship in the water, on the edge of a pressure plate, deciding whether to float to the left, or to the right. And, that’s simply how it is. I’m not mad with her, in fact, she’s been rather awesome about it all. Been really pleasant, and kind to me.

It’s more so, my cowardice that I’m scared of burning a bridge. I’ve thought I was getting pretty good at burning bridges, turns out I always leave something closing the space between two islands. Even if it is but the size of a string.

And, this is the adverse effect of being a fool, a foolish bloody fool who puts themselves out there for everyone to hold onto, but I refuse to put my hand out to someone, for myself, permanently, because I’ve never had someone stay, and I’ve never had someone choose me. This isn’t a hit to anyone, just simply the truth.

It’s my cowardice that stops me from being able to let go of the people who easily let go of me. It’s for that, that I end up trapped in the past, in the memories, in people like you. But, that gets lost, combined with this feeling I’ve felt since I was a young pup.

Thanks to a friend today, I have a word for it:

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Yearning for something that may not have even existed. Mourning over another life maybe? Who the fuck knows. But, what that means, is that I’ve not let go of whatever it is, and if I never find it? I never find that other half of me that completes my soul, I don’t think I’d last very long. Like a lonely budgie in a cage on its own.

So, what is my cowardice?

  • Not being able to tell people what I truly think.
  • Not being able to tell the people I care about, how I feel, for fear of losing them, like it happens on repeat.
  • For being careless, and not being attentive, just in case I get too close to someone
  • For wanting love, but also fearing love.
  • For not being able to let go of certain things in my life
  • For looking for something I’ll never have.
  • Not being happy with myself, and seeking others to fill the gap.
  • For trying, and trying, failing, and failing, and wondering why I should even get back up again…
  • For not stepping a foot out of this country
  • For being too scared to push myself in a direction, for my footsteps will become stone
  • For being too weak, to believe in myself
  • For not walking forward.
  • I noticed it more lately, when I get heart palpitations when you ask me what’s wrong, and I’m not able to say, but more so, I just don’t want to be vulnerable again.
  • It’s cowardice I am scared to become vulnerable, and in being scared of being vulnerable, of being open, I am vulnerable. Ironic, eh?
  • Not being able to stick to my own rules.
  • Being too scared to try my best, and put everything.
  • It’s the idea that when someone promises you they will be there for you, you can’t believe them, because you’re afraid of letting someone too close.
  • For that, I don’t think there will ever be someone out there who truly understands me, who gets me, though, I think the only person I’d want that person to be is someone I get married to.

That is my cowardice, and I hope that one day it changes. Without a doubt, I will try my best to change it… So, I’ve let cowardice take over lately, one bump in the road after a while, and I hate it. So, I’m going to change it, and stop letting myself get pushed into the ground, and stop being taken advantage of, and stop letting empty thoughts, and feelings, win.

My next post, will be how I’m going to change it. And this time, I will damn-well rise above it, for me, and no-one else. I’m taking a break from stretching my mind too thin, and trying to reach out to people. I’m taking a break from looking to other people… It’s time to listen to myself, and reach inside of me. Who am I? and what do I want?

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will. But right now… I’m going to finally try and fix my broken pieces.

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