A thousand apologies

What do you say to someone who asks you why you no longer have a smile on your face, or joy in your eyes? How do you tell them its because your heart is closed, perhaps, even broken? What do you say to those people in the street, who you pass and they shout, “Smile!” What do you say? I doubt I’ve cracked a smile in the last eight years. Since the day they took you from me. Since I lost myself, driving them away.

It is hard not to become a monster, not to plunge your teeth into your enemies, and take from them everything. But, we do not start like this, in fact, I wonder whether I even noticed at the time, that I was losing my mind, and becoming a monster. I wonder whether I had known what would happen to me, but knowing me? Knowing the great Thomas Vargr, the great ‘fool’, I did, do, and always will know the path in front of me. I often wonder whether there is a small fraction of myself that hates me, that really hates me; whether it pushes me down paths like these for fun, or just to see if I would break, or grow stronger.

I don’t know whether it is jealousy, but I know it is there. There’s something. When I look into a clear lake, and see the reflection of myself, I notice a small glint in my eye, even when I’m at my lowest, my darkest, or my hardest times. It is like some part of me, somewhere, is enjoying my pain. Could it be so? Something inside of us all that stands against us? I hope it isn’t just me.

It’s something I wish I could talk to Lisett about. It is something I wish I could ask her. She seemed to know more about me than anyone else. She seemed to understand that darker side. I remember when I walked with her, even when we fought, we both had that sinister darkness inside us. We enjoyed the fight, the pain we caused, and the pain we received. The cuts, the slashes, the bruises, the broken bones. We were like vampires of the soul, manipulating the un-shielded, the weak.

I caught up to her for a while, but even she too, could not handle those chasing me. They are still hunting me down, after all these years. It had been eight years since I had killed their king. Even though, I could have stayed around, and usurped the throne, I would be no better. I would be no proper, and decent King. I am not my father, and even though he was no king, he naturally brought people together. He could have handled it, this, but not me.

What I would do, for another conversation with you Trinson. I wonder what your words of wisdom would be like. Probably something like this “Get up boy, stop being foolish, and start being strong. Your grandfather would be disappointed that his grandson looks at the world in such dis-taste. You get up, peel the mud from your body, clean the blood, forgive, and forget, and then confront the ghosts of your past, the demons of your mind… and conquer them.”

I lost to my demon though. I mean, it was a fair fight, but circumstances tore me in half, and my stronger half won. That was all. I lost what was most important to me, and something in me snapped. I couldn’t hold in my anger anymore, and it consumed me, until I took my revenge… then all I had left, was sadness.

I tried seeking out the witches who tried to find me. I came across one in a pub down south. She was crazy,

“Thomas, There are people coming for us, people, like you and me. They are coming to destroy us, take our souls. You must not let them. Please, we’re gathering the remaining covens of witches, and fleeing to a place deemed safe. One of our members owns an island to the east. Come to us when you feel most alone. We won’t shy you away.”

I didn’t believe her. I scoffed at her, mistakenly. And, when I didn’t go with her, I found a deep sorrow, for reasons I was not aware of at the time. It was like, the chains of my soul, which connected to all things, lost something I deemed precious. I visited the island last year. Nothing was left, except the hanging bodies of women, crucified, hung from the trees they cultivated, and left on the floor, in pieces.

What was I supposed to do with this sadness, this knowledge? Was I responsible? My actions, as the second white wolf? The devil of the North? or would it have happened regardless of my actions?

I should have performed a ritual on them, to cleanse the area, and release them from this world, but part of me grew so dark, I felt I was not able to do such things, that I had no right to, anymore. Alessandra, Beatrice, Kristel, Linnea, Lucille, Sera, Thara, Valencia, I am sorry. I hold no right to seek forgiveness, for not being there to protect you. Even though I made those vows to you, as a protector, when I was a boy. I didn’t see it as something serious back then, but I am sorry.

As for my last apology… It is directed at you, my lady, my Freya. I don’t know what pulled me to you in this life, and it didn’t matter who I was attracted to, or who held my attention, none held it quite like you, and you were everything I needed to fight back my demons, and you made me strong. Protecting you, was what held me together, and gave me purpose.

I am just sorry I failed you… please don’t chase me anymore… please, don’t follow me, for when I look at you, I see regret, and I see failure. I cannot take your pain, not can I take your scars away. I failed. I am not the man my father thought I was. I can barely protect myself…

I am at the end of my travels. I will try my best to end the revenge-killings, and then I will leave this world, for good, this time.

 

 

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