The problems I keep coming across is that I find getting close to people who don’t really care that much about me. I mean, don’t get me wrong… sometimes I come across friends who try, for a while, or I come across people who tell me they are always there, but in actual fact is anyone really there when you need them?
When you’re sat up thinking, even when you mention it to those friends who tell you once a week that they are there for you. I find myself dealing with every problem I ever come across, alone. Whether it be because the people around me are too busy to reply, or whether being there for me is just what they think I want to hear. Who knows, really.
What I will say though, is that whenever I ultimately put my trust in someone and start believing in someone, that they will be there for me when I need them I find it drives a wedge between us.
What I have come to realise lately is that sometimes we hold onto things, people and idealisms that put more darkness into our souls than light. That for me, is where I have my downfall.
I hold onto people from my past, even when I think I don’t. Giving an example: The person I used to tell everything to. What I find is that I get asked about my problems for gossip sake, as opposed to actually trying to help. Sometimes, it does help just to write them out to someone, but in most cases, it doesn’t.
Now, there are others who let me talk for the world but have nothing to say. Now, I appreciate the fact people listen, but I want someone who can give as much as they take… so to speak. I don’t want to talk about me, I want to know about you.
Now, as of late, for the better part of a year I feel that I have lacked a certain substance in my conversations. It is like people are so defensive they can’t talk openly with people anymore. Even words so simple as, “how are you?” get a dodgy reply of “why?” and anything further? just seems to them like you are digging for gold…
All I know is that for everyday I get ignored, or people looking at me stupid for being nice, or assuming I am after something because I am not afraid of complimenting someone, I feel more attuned to understanding, and trusting myself. It will get to a point where I will stop trying with these people. So, when I read your words and don’t reply, when I stop saying goodnight, and good morning, when I stop trying… Then you’ll know you’re one of the people that pushed me towards self-reliance, and loss oh hope in those who have crossed paths with me.
I will always be there for as many people as I can, but it is about time I stop being a sap for people to piss on when they “find someone better”.
So, whether we have not yet crossed paths, or have crossed paths already, if you don’t like this post, then prove me wrong?
Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will. This is just one brick in a very long wall.
It is time I move on from the ghosts of my past.