Do you ever lose sight of the path you’re on? The direction in which you want to walk in, and the way you want to be? I do, sometimes. When I get into periods of being down, and distant with myself that’s when I lose track. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had mostly ups lately, and have been incredible when it comes to stopping spiraling thoughts. I’ve been proud of myself for the first time in a while, and I think it will continue to get better.
That being said, I feel the need to apologise to a few people, because I have been showing them a discourtesy, without realising; it isn’t on. I think, I need to apologise so I’ll say, “I’m sorry.” I have been flirting with the wrong people, trying to get my mind off things about love. You know, switching the thoughts of one with the thoughts of another. That sort of thing, and it’s wrong. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I dislike the person/people I’m flirting with, just that not all of them are right for me, and they know that, I’ve told them, but I’m not helping things.
In all honestly, I only ever do it when I’m on the verge of a downward mood. Now, I usually don’t voice my personal, personal life, and I am usually so cryptic about everything… but in all honestly, I’m tired. I’m so damn tired, and that’s not because I’ve been up since yesterday morning, due to a BBQ, my daughter’s birthday party, and when she went to bed, I was allowed to frequent a few clubs in town with a friend of mine.
It was awesome, but was so packed that you couldn’t dance without knocking into someone. Very uncomfortable.
Now, my daughter had an awesome party, and is now shattered lying in bed. I am now slightly crashing, due to tiredness, and will be falling asleep after this… but I wanted to just make the people around me aware of why I do things.
My friend and I had a conversation a few days ago about how I should be more of an asshole because I keep getting hurt by the people close to me. I don’t think I can pretend to be anything. We all have a bit of an asshole personality inside us, and I think that’s normal, but treating people badly, and not caring is VERY HARD-> impossible for me.
So, I’ll just have to sort out everything I feel bad about, fix them, or walk away from them, and …. walk forward.
Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will. This is but a long brick in a very long wall.