When we are young we think of all the things we would like to do. Where shall we go? What shall we see? How fast can we go? How strong can we be? When we grow up, or when we get older, the questions are the same, but more comparative, deeper, and are more complicated.
When I say complicated, I don’t necessarily mean any harder than trying to go that extra mile, or move that little bit faster, I mean they are longer, more strenuous, and more stressful.
That being said though, I still ask questions like I did when I was a kid, “How fast can I go?”, “how much weight can I lift?”, “How strong can I be?”
The difference from when I was a child, to now, is that I have multiple meanings for the word strong.
It is not about how much I can carry anymore; it is about how much I can endure.
It is not about how fast I can go; It’s about how fast my mind can be.
It is not about how much can I understand, but whether I can understand you.
Some goals have refined, and shrank. Some, still linger around me even now. “Can I understand you?”, “Will I be alone forever?” and, “Will anyone remember me if I was gone tomorrow?”
Now, questions are so similar to those trivial questions a child asks his, or herself.
Can I understand you? Well, you tell me. Tell me your story, share a meal with me, put away that shield, and I’ll put away mine. You cannot learn anything about a person unless you try. You cannot understand anyone, unless you let them in, and they let you in. You cannot understand anyone, unless you understand yourself.
Will I be alone forever? I would like to say what I’ve always said in the past, that I am alone. That would be a lie, and I’m not going to start lying now. I have friends, actually, even with a thousand friends, sometimes I would feel alone. What I’ve come across lately is the fact that I have a few friends that will stay with me throughout my life. Whether we talk everyday, or not. And, I found myself letting connections like these happen more often because I don’t want to be alone. Anyone that does want to be alone is lying. I know this because throughout my childhood I never fit it, here, there, anywhere… but that didn’t slow me down, and it didn’t stop me from having friends. I did find I put a barrier up, even if it was unconscious. That slowed me down. Over the last five or so years I have pulled that barrier off. Do you want to know what I’ve learned?
I’ve learned that whether you put a mask on, or raise your shield, or stand without mark nor shield, people will come and go. You will find people who care, and who don’t. I always thought I was looking for love, or someone to share my life with. I’d like to say I still am, but I have a child in my life who I know won’t be with me forever for she will have her own life to live, but we will always that connection where we know each other will always be there when we are needed. It’s not even just my daughter, I’ve met perhaps four people so far, that I share a bond with that doesn’t break. It sounds quite insane, but from the first, we had falling outs, and endured each other at times, but we remain strong. Sometimes I don’t see these people for a day or two, a week or two, a month or two or even a year or two, but as soon as we step into one another’s lives again, its as though we’ve never left.
It may not answer my question of whether I will be alone forever, but it sure does help. See what I mean, by how complicated the questions get as you get older?
Will anyone remember me if I was gone tomorrow? I used to think no one would see a difference, blink an eye, aside from the initial pain of losing someone who is here. When I was younger, I was more like a ghost than a human being. Connection was something I was scared of, like a chain to the world. I don’t know why I had this mindset, I just did. As I grew older, and stood with my feet firmly on the ground, I looked around me, and started being a friend to people. I had hurt a few people in my past I do regret hurting, and when I started meditation a few years ago I went around apologising to every person I had wronged, and moved on from it. It was like clearing the air in my mind. Now, I have a few close friends, and a few friends that I enjoy the company of. It may not be hundreds, or thousands, but one of my friends are worth a thousand friends at face value. I think many people will miss me when I’m gone, and even if they didn’t; if no one missed me, then I would make sure I got up tomorrow and told the people who are important to me, how important they are, and share something with each of them, something they will always remember.
So, sure, I may have many questions that remain unanswered, and I have many questions still to ask, but I’ve been putting my mind into a place where I can stop asking questions, and just roll with it. Every day, I smile… and if you’re wondering where I’m going with this, I’ve probably lost my place from getting carried away. Even if you have a million questions, it helps to start with number one. begin with you, and work your way out, that way… you have a strong core, and you won’t crumble when you lose someone who takes you in their arms, and walks away.
So, why do we have these questions? Are we forever seeking? Or are we just always thinking?
Thinking for me, is something I will never be able to switch off. It’s okay though, because it helps me give you the answers you ask of me, even if sometimes it takes a little time. I’d just like to end this post by saying, thank you to everyone who has helped me answer questions of my own, and I hope I’ve done the same for you.I hope when you think of me, you have a smile on your face, like I do of you, everyday.
Sometimes, we feel like we are stuck, and not progressing, and this is when we stop. I’ve yet to lose the weight I need to lose, for example… but I’m not giving up, I can feel my body changing, and I won’t rest until I am happy with it, because it’s something I want to do for myself.
When we a young, we think our lives will go so fast, but sometimes, it’s nice to look around and remind ourselves who it is we smile for. Who it is we’re here for, and who it is we will be here for. We have such a long journey ahead of us, so whether we have crossed paths already, or have yet to cross paths, whether it be in this life, or the next, I am sure I will meet your eyes with a smile on my face.
Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will. This is but a brick in a very long wall, and this is only the beginning.