A foolish fool

There was a time where I questioned everything. Whether it was the path that was set out by whatever power of the universe, or whether it was the friends around me, even whether any of this was real.

It is a scary thought, isn’t it? Imagine the fact that when you blink, or when you dream, that’s your real life. Has life been tipped upside down by what I just said yet? No?

Okay, I believe in something that the world no longer believes in. Sure, there are a few individuals around the world who still follow these things, but not enough to share the belief, and certainly not enough to be open about it.In fact, beliefs like these would have been accused of being a form of witchcraft long ago, or some dark pagan shit.

I’ve met a few people now, similar to myself, who keep their values a secret, and pretend they still believe in normal conventions. In fact, I can’t come to terms with any form of ‘normal convention’. That is not to say I do not believe in many things that co-inside with these conventions. For example:

I cannot believe in a religion; I understand the purpose of it in society. Joining the masses under a single belief is a way to stop conflict. I understand that.

But, my belief is that spiritualism (Personal religion) is more to do with the person, and not the masses. We are all at different parts of our path, and I think it is unfair to brand someone, a people with the same concept expecting them to agree with those ways. It’s like jamming every shape into a star box. It doesn’t work, does it?

I believe in spreading word of your beliefs, not in a brain washing way, but to help people along their paths. The only category I can really call my beliefs is spiritualism, and no one way is the same nor the right or wrong way, it is just the path we follow. So whether that path leads you to god, or leads you to other places, it doesn’t matter to anyone else, but yourself. I usually use quotes, and examples from Norse literature, and their  scriptures to explain my beliefs. The reason being is because Norse seems to agree with the most important value I have.

That is, a belief in yourself, and the belief that it is not that you are perfect in something, but that you have the ability to overcome the obstacles in your path. That’s exactly what I want to teach.

I want to show people that you do not need anyone. Sure, we like to have friends around, and we like to know someone wants to be close to us. I mean, I am the worst for this, as I’ve been looking for a ‘connection’ for as long as I remember. Lately, and for the majority of this year I thought I had stopped.

I thought I stopped looking, and I did, for a while. Then a connection with someone became so great that everything I had been putting into myself dissipated like a fleeting dream. That being said though, I sit here contemplating things like this, yet I do not feel weak, bruised, or broken. In fact, I think I am quite possibly stronger than ever. And, I was given a feeling that had been lost to me for so long, and that was the feeling of being in love with someone.

Situations change, and people change, sometimes people leave, and sometimes people stay, but the person that will always remain is you. Yourself, your own consciousness. This person to many people is a stranger, an unknown being in an unknown place.

I have been talking to my consciousness, and making friends for a very long time now. I think I’m close to being ready to accept myself for who I am. It acts as a drive for us when we have lost our desires, when we have lost our faith in ourselves and this world. It finds us when we are lost, and gives us an enemy when we need one.

Look past this person as a darkness, as a sadness, as a barrier of yourself, and think about what they are doing. People who, if ever, or have felt a darkness in their minds that they shut out, and hid from, whether it be today, yesterday, fifteen bloody years ago, or whether you will one day come across it, but you will know what  I mean when I talk  about it.

I’ve met a few people over the last couple of years who have understood this feeling, though I have had a tendency to pull that side of them out, it is a part of you that you should not neglect.

You should remember that there is a part of you that is there to protect you. And even if you’re like me, who thinks about everyone else, but themselves, (which is why thinking about me lately has been so bloody weird, and difficult), then it may turn against you, or act as your monster, or your shadow, but that’s because who it is protecting is different from who you are.

And the fact remains that I will forever be the fool who puts the people closest to me, or anyone in front of me, but as long as I am that person, I will always have a shadow that tries to pull me away from people. I used to be scared of it, but now I’m not. I understand it, and I’ve been told lately that it has been different to be around me.

A few people, some of which I was surprised to hear it from have said that they enjoy spending time with me and enjoy my company because I make them feel safe, that I have this ‘energy’ about me that makes them want to get to know me, or open up to me, but that is simply what it is to love yourself. When you love yourself you stop the hate you have and start to smile, not just because of other people, or not because you’ve had a good day, not even because you’ve been promoted, or praised, but because you are you.

Yesterday, when I picked my daughter up, she had a coat on, and a hood/hat, and I had a shorts and t-shirt on. I was soaked by the sudden hammering rain. I look outside and I didn’t say,

“Aww, bloody hell. This sucks, why is my life so hard?” I re-tightened my shorts, and threw my daughter on top of my shoulders, and we walked through it. Though she was absolutely fine as she wore waterproofs, I didn’t have a single dry spot on my body. In fact, my shorts are still wet even now, and I couldn’t see over my glasses, and people were looking at me walking past as if they had to feel sorry for me. But I looked forward, and had a smile on my face. For something so simple like that, brightened up my day over the fact that it meant nothing to me. It wasn’t bad, it was just what it was.

Besides, I wanted to get home, so I did.

Instead of whining, or getting moody, I just annoyed my friends with pictures of a wet ‘Dan’. I know, amazing, right?

So, one day, you’ll find yourself hitting rock bottom like I did a few years ago, and you will ask yourself whether you want to continue, or not to. When you hesitate over the continue button, even if you’re at your most difficult position, or in the most difficult place. Whether you feel the most alone you have ever felt, or whether you have the tired eyes of someone who has been alone for their entire life.

First of all, remember the person inside you, the person who is always protecting you. Your inner you, find a quiet place, sit down, and close your eyes, find that place, inside your head that is like the home to your imagination, to your mind, and go talk to you, go deal with you, clean up their mess, because we live like a balance of Ying, and Yang; black and white. Don’t forget you.

But if you can’t, and you’re really that lost, then let me reach my hand out to you, and I will hold your hand, and lift you up. I’ll put you on your feet, and stand by you, and I’ll waste my words by making you laugh, and reminding you that you are something more than someone who needs to lie on the floor. I’ll remind you that you are someone who needs to stand.

Many of the quotes I say are true, for me. The bigger the hero the bigger the monster within, and that may be true, but somehow, I, we, always win.

So if you ever find yourself in a place where you feel like you have no hope, then I will happily be that light in the darkness. Believe in yourselves, for when you don’t, I will; for this is but one brick in a very long wall, and you’re still at your beginning.

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