Mood of the day: Brooding.
Sometimes you work your way through your life and you wonder what your life would be like if it was a book. Would you have incalculably dangerous tales passing under volcanoes, or diving into the depth of the sea? Would you fly across the world on a bird made of flesh, or a bird made of steel? Would your memory serve you well until you’re an old man/woman? Will you fight your demons? Your inner monsters? Or will you lose?
This is something I’ve thought about the last couple of days as a symbol of transition from a previous stage of my life, into a new one. I am still wallowing in a pool of my own typical moodiness. I’ve got until about Sunday, where I’ll close my eyes, meditate, and go to a place I call my own. Away from the sounds of each and every day, and away from the dreams, and nightmares of reality; away from everything that keeps me wallowing, and I’ll reset. I’ll open my eyes Monday morning and my horribly irritating willpower will help me get back into my own way once more, and the things that will be on my mind will be pushed to the side. I will sigh, get up, gulp down any sadness I have left, and I’ll meet the day with determined eyes. I know this, I’ve done it enough, and it’s what I’ll do.
Now, because I say that is what I do doesn’t mean I will forget about these events. I won’t forget anything. In fact, I have a lovely gift, and a bitter curse of remembering images I see as important. It’s like my brain says, “This is important, we’ll keep onto this.” and some might see it as a way of torturing myself, but others will see it as a way of strength, a reason to move forward.
‘For without moving forward, we will never truly see what is in front of us’ – I don’t know whether this is a quote from somewhere, but the words stay with me.
From Friday last week, to yesterday, or even until Sunday, I feel like I am stuck in a place of liminal uncertainty. Stuck in time, in place, encased, entombed, in a state, a glue, a memory. Now, like I said earlier, I will push these aside, but I’m not stupid enough to not give myself time to miss someone. That doesn’t mean I won’t always miss them, but I’ll think about them everyday until I look at myself, and ask myself what I want.
I don’t know what it means when the thing, the person that I want is them? But who knows, maybe I’ll find out one day. I was surprised to receive a few tokens from you to remember you. I can no longer even traverse my house without thinking of you. If I sit on my sofa, memories run through my head of dancing with you, hugging you, and learning about one another.
But that’s the thing, when you love someone, a friend, or more, I think it’s always worth holding onto. Whether they hurt you, or whether they one day walk away, it is always worth the pain if you can share a few beautiful memories with someone. What are we, if not a collection of beautiful memories?
This post, this evening, isn’t just about a girl, but about the relationship between two people, and the fact that when we said our goodbyes I got woken up 5:30 pleading me to find a taxi for her, I knew we weren’t going to just disappear from one another. I had a feeling we wouldn’t, but I can’t pretend the idea didn’t scare me. We spent the same day, and the following day talking, and skyping. I know she won’t always have time to say hi, but her words tell me she would want to if she could.
We are planing to do something around Christmas, I guess neither of us could wait until Christmas. I’m just in peril with the idea that she wants me to try and learn a little bit of Spanish… jeez, I haven’t thought about other languages since I was about 14. I pick up tiny, little bits and some come back from memory. But it frustrates me, so if I’m to be her permanent English Teacher, then hopefully she can be a better Spanish teacher, as I’ll be a rubbish student.
In fact, I’m not quite wallowing as much as I thought, and I’m looking forward to the future.
I am going to change my way of thinking, and instead of worrying about the future, or thinking about how I can do this, and that, I will focus on me, until we meet again. I haven’t forgotten my words. Though, I had help to write them.’Buenas noches, mi amor. Hasta que nos encontremos de nuevo.'(Goodnight, my love. Until we meet again.) And, ‘Cree en ti misma, y cuando tu no lo hagas, lo haré yo.'(Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will.)
The thing I have allowed to enter my heart, for the first time in a very, very, long time, is someone. I had completely let someone in, and when we looked at each other, without any other thoughts, or worry, it was a truly beautiful moment, and I’ll never forget it.
So, other than secretly attempting to learn Spanish, (I probably won’t get anywhere), I’ll be working on my book, to have something to read to her when I see her, and working on the rest. I can’t get anywhere if I don’t put time, and effort into myself.
On the side note: my hayfever has been so bad, I’ve not wanted to leave my bed for a week. Yay, I love the sunshine…
But the moment of the day where I feel the sun touch my skin, for the first time (I’ve never been one for sun) it has been greatly accepted. Mindfulness may go a long way I think.
This week, I’ve been appreciative for many things. The biggest, most prudent one, was the words of someone telling me that they need me in their life. I don’t think anyone has ever been so nice to me. It’s been a welcome change.
Have a nice evening!
Remember: Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will.