late night wake-up

Lying in bed you think about the most silly things. You wonder about the people closest to you… you tell yourself you will be a better person tomorrow… but how many of us really do what we tell each other in the mirror? or in that moment of reflection?

You go through many puzzles, and make just as many more. Thinking about things can truly drive a person crazy. Then again, that would imply we are not already.

I mean, I must be to put myself through the torture I do, every day. I can’t help but feel sometimes that every choice I have made this year has been the wrong one… the places I moved, some of the friends I made, the lack of things i have done, the people I have hurt, the people I have fallen for…

I went through September to March looking for someone, and quickly showing attraction to those who showed a single aspect of that person I was looking for. I know this will upset some people but it is the truth.

Then I met someone who showed me all the qualities in a person I was looking for… a beautiful smile, like someone who has seen enough happiness, and enough sadness, to enjoy being happy. Someone who I connected to on a deeper level… I genuinely thought I was in control of my  emotions, and told myself I would not fall for her. She was leaving soon, and there was nothing I could do to change that. She said to me last Sunday, “the way you look at me has already changed. I miss the way you looked at me before this weekend”. Though I was very confused over the weekend, and in a way still am… I was not hurt, disappointed, nor had my mood radically changed.

If anything, it was like I was preparing myself for what was to come. I told myself, “When you love someone, you let them go” and many other things. I tried to say it was too good to be true because as for anyone who has been so close to me… I have never had someone reciprocate feelings before. I have no doubt in my mind that feelings are there but what I am also sure of is that it is still early to think about the concept of love

In fact, I don’t know whether I will see her again. I hope I do… but only time will tell. It seems we are both being pulled in different directions…

It is needless to say but nevertheless I will say it anyway… I have gotten so close to this person I don’t want to lose them… so I will try my best to keep them in my life. After she said today, “It doesn’t matter whether you come here, or move to China… You can’t get rid of me that easily. Words like this will always keep me going.

I am quite afraid because I have been told things like these so many times now that I may start to believe it. Then, she will truly hold my heart in her hands
I wonder what she would do with it…

So, this is a message to you…

So if you read this, maybe you will know.  One day you’ll hold my heart in your hands, if you don’t already… I would rather you keep it, than have a thousand more girlfriends trying to find a smile like yours.

Emotional posts will stop soon. I will be getting up off of my knees, and stop sitting on my hands, attending the gym and starting something I can’t wait to start
My novel.

Cree en ti misma, y cuando tu no lo hagas, lo haré yo.


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