When is it okay to cry?
Some people may think crying is weak, but I’ve never been able to understand this concept. For me, crying is a response you give to let out emotional, physical or spiritual pain. It is either relief for pain, or a way of letting go of someone close to you.
For me, crying tonight was because I’ve been so close to someone over the last 6 months that I’ve come to rely on the person so much so that she has become a part of my life. I didn’t plan for it, or ask for it to happen. I never expected anything, nor did I force any part of myself to get close to her.
It was like falling in love for the first time, all over again. And oh, I do remember the first time I fell in love. That moment where you feel you would do anything for a person regardless of the risk, and regardless of the situation. Someone where when you see their smile they would give you butterflies; someone from who with a few simple words pulls your happiness out. This was, and still is what it is like.
A few posts ago I wrote a very long memoir for a woman who I fell in love with, and though I knew she loved me, but wasn’t in love with me… I wrote it anyway. It wasn’t for selfish reasons, or to hope she would see me differently but it was to help her understand that it doesn’t matter whether we are friends, or something more-I would always be there for her whenever she needed me. I have known for a while but she told me tonight that she would be the same.
She said she needed me, and I told her the same. Nothing was forced, and nothing was a lie. Actually, she has been such a good friend to me that I don’t know what to do without her. I told her that if she ever feels alone, or feels trapped, she is always welcome to come home. Yes, I said home. I think I have a friend for life.
I never thought I would cry over another woman, in my life. This time, it wasn’t because we had gotten close enough to be intimate, but it was the fact that whenever I was sad, she was there, whenever I was in pain, she was there, and whenever I needed someone, she was there. Over the last few days it has been very intense, and after spending two and a half days looking after her because she has been ill, I think she finally realised, and allowed herself to believe that I wasn’t going anywhere. I think, she needed someone like that in her life, and I am glad to be the person she needed.
I’ve always believed that home isn’t a place, but the people you share a place with. That being something I understand means that I would happily share my home with anyone who shows me honesty, a love, a dependence, an openness, and a genuine happiness. That is just what this person has been like to me. She has been a real angel to me since we met, and though she’s heading off at 4am, to go back to her own country, I feel that we touched one another’s hearts in a way that I would always remember. And if I can put a smile on her face, before we part ways, then it means I am doing something right, at least.
So, we promised each other we would meet next summer, and that we would always be there for one another. There was not much I could really ask for aside from that. I have a belief that connections to me are forever, and the people who I truly make an impact on, and those who truly make an impact on me, stay with me forever. It is like a chain connecting the two. One that is never broken, and one that does not care for time, nor space.
So, my quote still stands, and my words stay true.
Follow your heart, and if you ever need someone to help you stand, instead of staying on your knees, I will be there. If you ever feel like you can’t get up, and can’t be who you are, then reach for me. If you feel yourself slipping, and are too weak to walk, then I’ll be your light in the darkness, when you need me. That’s all I’ve got left to say, but nothing you do not already know. I know the rules apply for me too, but regardless…
Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will.
Buenas noches, mi amor. Hasta que nos encontremos de nuevo.