I have been wondering how to start this…
I’ve been wondering what to say…
My mind has been wandering…
My mind has been led astray…
I have started this blog post eleven times so far, and I’ve been scratching my head, and hitting it against the wall possibly wondering what to say to you; what I should leave you for when you go. I couldn’t buy you presents, though I bought you one. I couldn’t send you flowers, at least not quite yet. I couldn’t think of anything I could give you that shows you who I am… except for my words.
I’ve written about you a dozen times, and a dozen more times I’ll write. I was worried what others would say, but you’re more important than whispers of anyone around, and since you already know, these words of mine in person, I’ll leave you with a passage, a text to keep us close. So please, read this when you’re alone, or when you feel so low, and close your eyes, think of me, and it’ll be like my arms were around you the whole time. You know I will always there.
The first time we met you entered my class. We talked about bears, and I terribly made you laugh. We made it hard for the teacher to teach, and joked about the silliest things. I don’t know what it was, but even then, I felt this spark in your eyes and I wanted to get to know you. I didn’t know anything about you then, all I knew was that you loved my stupid jokes, and I wanted to know you.
The next day we spent the day together, we met for a coffee, and talked for seven hours. It was amazing, you told me all about your life in another country, and the adventures you had been on. Your trip to Ireland, and you opened up to me very quickly. You told me some of your secrets, and though I could see it in your eyes that you felt vulnerable, you kept talking. You kept telling. I guess that’s what happens when you meet someone and things just feel right. When I say right, I mean you know when you’re truly getting to know someone who could quite possibly be a good friend.
A few weeks had past, and I needed to use you in a project, so I studied your use of language, and laughed at your jokes. You thought your language was terrible, but even though you asked me a million questions about how it worked I enjoyed listening to you more than anyone else. A few weeks after we met was the first time my heart was touched by you:
You came to my house, driven, and brave. You looked at me angrily, almost filled with rage. I had wondered what I had done, and panicked. When we sat down, I found I was the one listening to you. You burst into tears and pulled me close. You covered your eyes with my shirt and then told me off “Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t happy, or struggling with things.” you yelled. I was lost as to what to say. I was feeling lonely, insecure, and grey. It was February, a month before I had a problem with some friends and walked away. I felt alone, and a little pained.
I said, “I hadn’t thought about it. I didn’t think it was important.” You slapped me on the shoulder, and hugged me again.
“We’re friends, aren’t we? So whenever you feel lonely, you can talk to me.”
I found myself smiling, and laughing to myself. I mean, a girl I barely knew came into my house to tell me off for not telling her about the crappy parts of my life? Instead, she had to read them on my blog, and she attacked me over it. For days after I couldn’t stop smiling. A few days after that, she came over again and we talked for hours. We sung, and danced to stupid songs. The most memorable one was Mambo No.5. I spun her around, and watched her face turn red, and see her surprise and laughter negate her ability to dance. For a moment she hugged me close to my back door, and we stayed like that for almost a minute. I think that was the moment I thought something was between us. I remember her going very quiet, and turning away from me. It was like her mind went into overdrive, and she turned back to face me and punched me a few times in the arm, and chest. Not in violence, but with a smile on her face.
I recently asked her about it, and her words were, “I was restoring the balance”.
Well, over the next month or two we got closer, so close that she knew where everything was in my house, and was more of a host than I was. She was finishing my sentences, and enjoyed my challenging daily dose of idiomatic expressions. Each time I saw her, I felt her smile brightening up.
I complimented her once, expressing my joy for her company, and she cold-shouldered me. She felt that she wasn’t as nice as I made out, and I must be thinking of someone else. She told me she wasn’t a nice person. That couldn’t had been further from the truth but still, she told me-she was adamant that I didn’t know her, really.
Also, this girl was, and is well aware of my idiotic behaviour in the late hours of the night, or when I’ve been drinking. I tend to be too honest, and lack a filter. Sometimes, I would go as far as automatically writing, or saying things. She found it hilarious until I complimented her in a way that came across more than platonic. She promised me that she wasn’t a nice person. I just couldn’t get it, and I knew she wasn’t perfect, no one is. I just couldn’t understand why she thought so lowly of herself. I mean, she was in a different country to study, she had done so much already, and seemed to just keep going…
Anyway, she was adamant she didn’t have feelings for me, so I tried my best to forget my developing feelings for her, and leave it as just friends. It was difficult because whenever I was around her I ended up feeling really happy, and I couldn’t stop smiling, and laughing. We just had so much fun together.
Anyway, creeping up to the last month, and this weekend I found us getting too close, and I suppose it was bound to happen. It was hilarious receiving messages from her asking what was wrong, when I hadn’t said a thing, or her giving me a look that made me do what she wanted. I always talked about the perfect woman years ago and said once, “A woman has to have a certain look, and I don’t know why I want this because I’ve never had it, but if a woman can look at me in a very specific way, she could get me to do what she wanted. I know it sounds silly, but I’d be happy, if they wouldn’t have to say a word, just give me a look, and we would know what each other wanted.”
There were reasons like that for why I was starting to fall for her. I tried to keep my distance at times, and tried talking to other people to get my mind off her. Sometimes, it worked, but other times it just felt wrong, but then I realised… it was because I was looking for something I had already found. A connection that I wished to hold onto because I knew, and I know now that such a thing is so rare, it would be almost next to impossible to find another connection like that. It is why at the moment, when writing this I am both happy, and sad.
Another huge reason for liking her was because as much as she pretended she was selfish, and ‘mean’ she showed her sensitive side often. She showed me parts of herself where she put on her mask and showed the world how brave she was, instead of asking for help, she would stay at home, and try and tell me she was happy because she would rather not ask for help and ruin someone’s day by getting emotional…
Furthering that, she had this kindness about her. She tried saying she always does things for herself, but in actual fact she did so much for everyone around her, that even I would say she was being too nice, or stupidly nice. Her reasons for not choosing her own happiness struck me the most, but it’s a sensitive subject and I can’t go into it here. She just simply amazed me every waking minute of the day. I started to pick up on things, like when she backed up, and pretended like she didn’t care; she said she wanted me to step back, but when I didn’t and promised her a listening ear, or someone to be close to, the smile that would appear on her face was just beautiful.
Anyway, sometimes I had thought I was getting on her nerves, but she recently made it clear to me that I have never annoyed her, and that she enjoys me just the way I am. It was lovely to hear, and I really appreciated it. I was so surprised when she brought up going to her country in a few years time, and moving there, since I am studying TESOL and will be able to once I finish my degree.
For someone who was adamant we would say goodbye when she went home, she said some strange things that made me feel like she wanted me to become a part of her life. It did confuse me a little bit, but I think I understand why she was in two frames of mind.
If we got too close, and she was to leave, it would be very hard to stay close, and happy. It would be very hard to start something you do not have time to progress. Whether it would be friendship or more. I could see it was affecting her more than I thought, but she started keeping her mind to herself as if she had to figure out many things. I think we were getting too close.
The thing is, she had become such a figure in my life that she was now this important person that I did not want to lose. She knew it, I told her many times though she did not believe me. Can you blame her though? We all get told many things and how many things are done, how many promises are kept? This one, I was keeping, and she was someone I wanted in my life no matter how difficult it would be to have her there.
She once tried to tell me that we were so different but in all honestly the more I get to know her, the more I feel that we are similar. That is one of the problems when you get two people who care far too much for others, their own happiness may sometimes decline. She had me calling her ‘Boss’ and for some reason, I didn’t mind. But, we liked similar foods, similar music tastes, such as ‘any category, but has to have a good ring to it. Except for screamo, some screamo is okay, but it tends to annoy us more than anything’ Our personalities were something that started to reflect each other, and she was saying things that I typically said, and I was saying things she would typically say.
She would say, “Oh dear; Oh my; butt face; doughnut;” and copy my idioms, and other things I would say.
I would say, “No (in her accent) and Ok(Ohk) and found myself talking like she does.” More than anything, she was one of the few friends I had at the time that made so much time for me, and seemed to enjoy my company so much that it was truly an honour to spend the time with her that I did.
She asked me why I liked her once, and this always rang in my head because I complimented her all the time, and was very open about why I liked her anyway. Some part of her, just couldn’t believe me. I wrote this in my blog post once, for her,
My view on life is that I won’t find someone who is on the floor, and wants to stay there. I will find someone who has fallen. It doesn’t matter once, twice, a hundred, or a thousand times. I don’t care how many times someone has failed as long as they get back up again.
That push, drive, and way of living, is enough for me to fall in love with someone. So for the person, people, or ghosts of my past, who wonder why I liked them, like them, or end up liking them, it’s the fact that you get up when you get pushed down. You wipe the tears from your face, and tie your hair back. You get up, you change your cry into a smile, and you keep walking forward. You might not think you do, and you might think you’re weak, but I see through that façade, that misconception. I see through the masks that you wear, because you’ve been through far too much emotional pain to let anyone close.
So, as for the person this relates to. This might be the best explanation you’re going to get from me:
“Believe in yourself, for when you don’t I will.”
And this was when I knew I fell in love with her.
I made this quote for her, and that was the gift I talked about giving her, and I gave it to her on the back of a bookmark for a present. (I was told I couldn’t give her anything that would add to the weight of her suitcases). So, I gave her something she could always hold onto, and would always look at whenever she looked at her diary, or read a book.
I stopped looking for a relationship a while ago, after a very short relationship I had went wrong, because of many things, but I think on my part, I showed more interest in other parts of my life. And I ended up talking about this person often… Even though I had no idea at the time that was the way I felt.
There are many things I want to say, and I feel like I’ve gone on so much on this post, but I’ll be coming to an end with it. I promise.
Over the weekend, we had a heart to heart conversation, and shared a moment of intimacy that was the most precious thing I had experienced, next to holding my daughter in my hands for the first time. It was truly a first kiss that will never leave my mind.
‘She was tired, and falling asleep so seeing as there were three guys downstairs, including myself, I thought to take her upstairs to let her have my bed and I would come back downstairs to sleep. When she finally agreed, and I took her up to bed, I laid her down, and took her shoes off. She laid down, and I told her I was going to go back downstairs, and that’s where she took my hand and asked me to stay, I was a little reluctant because she made me very nervous. By this point, as much as she declined having knowledge about me liking her, I am sure she knew. Anyway, she told me to lie down with her. We held each other for what seemed like forever, and we drifted off to sleep every few minutes, and woke up now and then. Every time she fell asleep she seemed like she was having a dream, or a nightmare, but when she woke up she started stroking her hand through my hair. I don’t know what it is with someone stroking my hair, it just really gets inside my head, and makes me go all….. funny. Anyway, I started breathing heavily, we were so close to each other’s lips, sharing one pillow as the other was somewhere else. I had no idea what to do, and it was like my legs were weak from her stroking my hair. (I know, I know. Like I said, funny.) I stroked her face, and moved my hand down her body. She could hear my heartbeat, and we were both panting, my lips were touching hers on the left side of her face, without trying to kiss. We were just so close, and then something inside us just clicked, and nothing else mattered. She took her risk and moved that mere centimetre or two closer and kissed me. I kissed her back, our tongues touched, and moved around as if they were meant for each other. I had never had a kiss quite like it. I had been aware, and not flustered when it was anyone else. With this person, I had no idea what to do. Every part of my body just stopped worrying, thinking, contemplating, and it was absolutely amazing. she bit my lip, and I bit hers. I kissed her neck, and back up to her lips, and we looked into each other’s eyes, and we both realised what we had done.’
In a panic, she got up and told me she was leaving. It was four o’clock in the morning, and she was going to walk home by herself, I didn’t want that moment to end, never mind watch someone who was so important to me walk away. Her panic made me panic, and I walked out before her, and spent a few minutes calming down in the field next to my house. I came back to find her sat outside my door because she thought I didn’t have a key. Even with tears rolling down her face she was thinking of me. She was crying, because she knew she was going to hurt me after that. She didn’t want to get close to me; she didn’t want anything more, because she wasn’t here to stay, and she had her own path to follow.
When I returned to find her sitting there on the step, I couldn’t look at her because I told her I wouldn’t do anything stupid to ruin our friendship, and I felt like I had betrayed her in that by not just going downstairs and avoiding the situation. I quickly dashed around the corner and waited like an idiot before realising she thought I was done with her. When she walked off crying, I couldn’t help but run after her. I thought about it, and thought about it, and everything went silent for a second. It was truly a spectacle of a moment. I wasn’t angry we tempted fate, and I certainly wasn’t mad with her. I wouldn’t have been mad with her even if she said she didn’t want to be friends anymore because of what we did.
I chased after her, and caught up to her. She tried walking away from me, and couldn’t look me in the eyes…
I grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes, and made her look at me. Tears were rolling down my face, and I was terrified of what to say, or what to do to make it better. I wasn’t sure what I could do, because I had realised that I had fallen for this girl, and the last thing I wanted was for her to walk away from me.So, I saw that she started crying, and I wiped the tears from her eyes. All I could think about, is what I could do to fix this, what could I do, and it was time to tell her the truth.
First however, it was time to be there for her. I won’t forget this, the time I chose to be brave, rather than weak. I pulled her close to me and held her in my arms. I squeezed her and hid her face in my shoulder. She cried, and I cried, we embarrassed ourselves a little, not that we minded. We could finally look at each other without a shield up, without something blocking our paths. She told me, “I’m sorry, if you want to forget me now, I understand because I hurt you.” I couldn’t believe it. All that had just happened to her, and she didn’t walk away because I hurt her, it was because she thought that she hurt me.
We cried, and we hugged and I told her the truth:
I haven’t felt this way before, about anyone. I know it’s not the right situation, and I know you’re leaving in a few days, but I hope you know that I will always be here for you. I hope you know that I will always be with you. I want you to be a part of my life, and I want to be a part of your life, too. I don’t care about your baggage, but you don’t seem happy in the place that you’re in, but you seem to be pushing yourself down a path that you have forced yourself to walk, rather than chosen. I don’t know why you’re not letting yourself be happy…
But when you stop, and decide it’s your time to be happy, I’ll be here, and I’ll be there… for you. I’m not saying goodbye, so please don’t walk away from me. I love you, as a friend, and as more. I didn’t ask to fall for you, or didn’t mean for it to happen. In fact, I tried my very best not to. But it’s the fact that when I look at you, I see something beautiful, I see someone who has gone through much emotional pain, and from the idea that you have nightmares when you close your eyes, you’re holding part of you back. I just want you to know that you don’t have to hold it back when you’re with me. You don’t have to feel alone, or have to choose someone else’s happiness over your own.
So, if you want more, then I would love to be with you, but if you don’t want to be with me, then I would be more than honoured to just be your friend. I can’t say it wouldn’t be hard to stop loving you more than friends, and it will take time, but I decided a while ago just how important you are to me. And I don’t want to lose you, and don’t plan on losing you. I want to be in your life and that’s that.
I will always want to be in your life; you will always have a place in my heart. Even if the next three years I spend skyping you, and seeing you once or twice a year, I don’t mind, and I can wait. So, if you choose it, I would come to you after University and we could start thinking about your happiness, our happiness.
If you don’t think you could start something with me, I understand. But, if you don’t feel that way, promise me that you’ll at least think of your own happiness. At the end of it all, all I want is for you to be happy.
Followed by more tears, and some stuttering, and kissing, we spent the day together, and quite possibly made things a little more confusing for one another. Followed by something that happened around 7pm where she thought she had hurt me, again. We had a chat for about 45 minutes, and then parted ways. I just could not, and would not let you go with tears rolling down your eyes, so I hope you understand.
In fact, it taught me something special about you, and even though you tried pushing me away and pretending feelings were not there… you showed me with your eyes, and actions, more than your words how you felt. That is the thing though, and as complicated as life is, after last night I believe that our connection, whether it be friendship, or something more is not at it’s end, but more at a beginning. I hope you feel the same way. The reason for this belief is when I made a cheeky comment last night, speaking the words, “You’re stuck with me now. Sorry. Ha-ha”
When you replied, you said, “Now, I know that.”
That was a reply that really put a smile on my face, and it seemed to do the same thing for you, too.
So, to summarise all of this, and to leave you with something to remember me by, whether this is our last message, or the first of many I’d like to add that I don’t feel hurt, but in fact, closer to you now that we talked to one another, without our shields up, or our masks on, and that is something that really was a touching thought.
In fact, I know, for sure, that I want you in my life, and that I want you to know that I will always be here for you. You told me today, in fact, you used my words, and you said,
I will always be here for you. I will always be there. You’ll always be in my heart.
I don’t know where we are headed, somewhere? nowhere? anywhere at all?
All I know for certain is that when you feel you need some help, when you find yourself alone, I’ll always be there. And most of all, when you need a friend, it doesn’t matter how long we go without talking, you need only ask.
All that I have left to say that in a period of six months, we have had an amazing time together, spent almost every night we are together laughing, and smiling. I certainly hope we get some more.
There are many people who will not understand why I would write so much about someone, but in my opinion, meeting someone who really connects with you and wants to get to know you, for you. I’ve come to a point in my life where I want to recognise the people dearest to me while I can. Even if it be the last day I see them, or the beginning of many days to come.
When you’re back in your own country, and you’re stepping forward, I hope you keep in touch, and remember this, and even if you can’t talk to me, or don’t want to… I hope you look back at this message and remember my words.
“Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will.”