A stranger to yourself

Sometimes, I wonder if you can ever really truly know yourself. When you think of yourself, you bring up past experiences that have made you, well-you. The problem is, that this shadow of yourself, this image, is an earlier version of you, the latest recording of your self evaluation. When you base it on your past you are not that same person. At the time time, you look towards the future, and bring in your goals, your work, and your plans, and combine that into the mix. Now you have a visage of future, and past. What does that mean though? Are you now now affixed in time, neither ahead, nor behind, a true image of yourself?

No, there are things changeable about you, about your soul, your mind, and your body. There are also things, unchangeable.

For example: The only ability of mine that I am proud of having, is to overcome obstacles. That will stay with me forever, and is an unchangeable, natural part of my mind, and soul.

This being said, there are both a unique amount of characteristics everyone has. We bring them into the work we do, and the things we create, and work through.

An obsessive amount of thinking, I have always thought to be a bad thing. It has never stopped me from obsessing though. I have come to an agreement with my brain that it is just how I am, and when a puzzle is presented towards me, I will think until it is put together.

The problem with this is that I do not take the time it normally takes a person to judge a character, observe a person, and my brain also, sometimes needs time to catch up. That being said, it always, always knows. When I initially look someone in the eyes, I get many feelings, but someone who would really impact my life, for better, or for worse. It’s almost like that pre-set connection is tapped into and my brain reacts, in bounds of torturous thinking. Time feels like it takes forever, and a thousand thoughts would shoot into my brain.

So much so, that the characters I’ve been writing about I have been meeting a month, two months, or six months to a year later. Different names, sometimes, but always with the same personality. It is as bizarre as a cow mounting a goat. (When  I wrote that I spoke in a Welsh accent, just saying) but it has taught me to listen to myself more than I do. Sometimes, I have to run through the loops, and come to the same conclusion my mind already pre-determined. It is almost as if I’m living ahead of time, and still letting it happen the same way. Then again, if I listened to my mind as much as I should, I’d be sitting alone in a room full of people. Sometimes, even though you know you’ll get hurt… you have let yourself get hurt.

I’ve come to the ideal that I should stop controlling myself as much as I do, and just let things be, what they are. A friend of mine used to drive me crazy when she used to say, “It is, what it is” and I grumble writing the words even, but she’s right. Sometimes, things are just the way they are. They don’t need to be read, judged, understood.

They just need to be.

From working on my body, I have come to the conclusion that the animation ‘Soul Eater’ had the quote, ‘A healthy body is a healthy mind, and a healthy mind is a healthy soul’ It’s more like a triangle you need to work on. If you neglect part of it, then the other parts will suffer and you will become unbalanced.

 

When I was young, I neglected my anger for a very long time, quite possibly ten or fifteen years of my life. In fact, as much as I am at an impasse with my child’s mother, she taught me to control my anger. In fact, I never hit back, and during my dark days, when I was always irritable, and seething, I meditated and come to a position where I went inwards during meditation, and faced myself. When I visualised my anger, and fought against it like a monster in my body, I tried everything to get rid of it. It was the fighting that helped me understand that it was not something I should be disgusted with, or scared of. It was a part of me, and the final time I confronted it, I didn’t fight back, and didn’t grow fearful of it.

I just walked past it, around it, through it. And just like that, it was gone. Since then, I have rarely had any form of anger. Sure, we all get irritated and upset, but I have not felt the need to lift a hand against anyone for about three and a half years now. I don’t hate anyone. I never talked about this when I was young. I had always assumed it was too weird to talk about. As, that’s all I’m ever called, ‘Weird’.

But, today, sitting here and typing away; I’m sat here with a smile on my face, with a circle of close friends around me. I don’t have loads of friends, nor do I have more than a handful, but I’d like to think that the people I believe in, also believe in me so when I am weak, they’ll help me, and when they are, I’ll help them. That’s more than I can ever ask of from anyone, and that’s all I need from anyone.

Other than that, over the last few weeks I have focused more on myself, and after my BBQ tomorrow, I will be focusing on me and my daughter for the rest of the summer.

My view on life is that I won’t find someone who is on the floor, and wants to stay there. I will find someone who has fallen. It doesn’t matter once, twice, a hundred, or a thousand times. I don’t care how many times someone has failed  as long as they get back up again.

That push, drive, and way of living, is enough for me to fall in love with someone. So for the person, people, or ghosts of my past, who wonder why I liked them, like them, or end up liking them, it’s the fact that you get up when you get pushed down. You wipe the tears from your face, and tie your hair back. You get up, you change your cry into a smile, and you keep walking forward. You might not think you do, and you might think you’re weak, but I see through that façade, that misconception. I see through the masks that you wear, because you’ve been through far too much emotional pain to let anyone close.

So, as for the person this relates to. This might be the best explanation you’re going to get from me:

“Believe in yourself, for when you don’t I will.”

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