Stranger danger

Now, we all meet people, whether through clubs, pubs, just out and about, or whether you go to a place specifically for meeting people. Then, there’s the other side, places like online dating, social networking, and games.

I am happy to say I’ve never met any crazy people from playing games, probably because the game gets rid of all the crazy… but I have met some strange, strange people when I dabbled in online dating. To be honest, I’ve never been so put off by the internet in my life.

I tried online dating back In January, to March, and honestly… I shudder at the thought of ever meeting a person like this:

I met someone, let’s substitute their name and call them Bo, to make it even scarier. Now, this Bo character, even though she knew I wasn’t interested in her. (I told her I wasn’t attracted to her.) asked me, three times if we could carry on talking, and so I did. we talked on FB just now and then, but her English was terrible (it was her first language) and I couldn’t understand half of what she was saying. So, I called it quits, and apologised but deleted her and moved on with my life.

After I moved on with my life, I got close to someone and started a relationship. First example of crazy, this girl messaged my girlfriend at the time, and tried to tell her we had been dating for months now, and that I’ve been cheating on her. Now, I don’t know what telling someone “I’m not attracted to you”, or, “I don’t like you in that way, and nothing will happen” means, but I’m certain it doesn’t mean we’re now dating.

Now, I tried talking to this girl, and asking her, “WTF, and who does she think she is.” After my partner and I broke up, I demanded some answers. Anyway, “it’s not her fault it was the fact that she is depressed..” Now, I understand depression, I’ve had it in my earlier life, anxiety, too. But I grew up in a family who were a bit more traditional in their mindsets, and didn’t really believe, or want to believe in the idea of mental illness, so our only option was to get better. So, eventually, I out-grew it like out-growing asthma. It doesn’t sound like I had a tough time with it, but I did, and it took me about eight years of growing out of the fucking thing, and much support to a few close friends that allowed me to chew their ear off whenever I had too much on my mind (which was all the time) even now.

Now, I would never blame something like depression for the way I act towards people, and frankly, I’m usually, in fact, always the one to apologise first, even when someone else is in the wrong.  Now, this didn’t even end there… She went dark for a few days, said she was just going to kill herself, and off she popped, disappeared. (I mean, who the fuck tells you they are going to kill themselves because you tell them off for being a prick to you?) I mean, really, come on? So, it brings us to about a week ago, where she asked if we could meet up and such, and this girl just didn’t get it. I ended up making jokes like, “You want to come over? I bet you wanna ‘netflix and chill too’ lol!” not the best move, but I was in a jokey mood, and expected a “no, I just want to get to know you” or some bullshit. In fact, her response was, “Yes, and if we did, you would be mine then.”

Now, I was a little bit knocked off my seat by this response, “You would be mine then?” What, so I’m some kind of pet? a possession? something to be held? caged? bought? Now, all my friends will know I have a tendency to be a little bit rebellious, and in all honestly, I can be a half-decent antagonist when I put my mind to it. By half, I mean full, and by full I mean, tear your fucking eyes out, with my words, sort of guy.

So, instead, of running, like any man should have, I reacted in the horrible way that I do, “You mean, I would be yours forever, really? <3″ and she actually replied with a ‘yes, if we met a few times, and got that close, you would be mine forever.” I have never felt so put off someone in my life. Not only was her language bad, I’m pretty sure she was given a bad egg, and no one told her how fucked up her view of the world was…

I tried to humour her, surely it was a joke right? No, it wasn’t.

So, I let it go on, to see where it would go, and in quite, the words she wrote were that creepy, they stuck to my back like honey sticks to a bear, and I don’t really want to repeat them. So, safe to say, I dodged a very, weird, cracked bullet there.

I ended the conversation nicely, and said, “I’m sorry, but this will never happen, I will never be yours, I don’t know what world you think we live in, but if you ever contact me again, you will be sure to regret ever trying to ‘make’ me yours. I have never felt so disgusted in my life with the words that have come out of another ‘humans’ mouth.”

okay, sure, I was at fault for letting it get under my skin. I was a little too mean when I heard that, but someone needed to set her straight. It would seem her parents, or her family weren’t doing a good job of that… but fuck me, it has put me off ever having hope of finding someone with half a brain, and any chance I have at semi-normal life, with someone who isn’t bat-shit crazy. Needless to say, I won’t ever trust the internet for people messaging me.

Daniel’s crazy detector has leveled up.


Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will… unless you’re like that, if you’re like that, I will take my bricks, and my wall, and move very far away. It’s one freaky brick, which I wish wasn’t a part of my wall.



“Thomas, Thomas!” a voice beckoned.

Whispers crawled down the corridor of the ancient, grim-coloured stone castle like a shadow stretching at the glimpse of moonlight. It reached for him. It searched every room for him. Each step the boy took he could feel the shadow of the voice creeping closer. He could feel his heart beat, and swallowed the saliva rising in his throat.

“Where are you, boy?” the voice demanded.

Thomas dared not look behind him. He just kept trying each and every door as he crept through the dark corridor. The only light being that of the moon, piercing the gaps of the ceiling. Thomas could not open a single door. He carried on going, hopelessly pulling the handle of each door. Tears began rolling down his face, and his hands shook. He hit a red door to his right so hard with his fist that he broke two of his knuckles. he let his hand lose, and it dangled beside him.

“I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep coming here… Why do you keep bringing me here?”

A faceless man stood in the shadow ahead of him. What Thomas could spot was that his face was bandaged. The man stood silent, distant, and something about him brought a feeling of insecurity, despair, and disgust. Something wasn’t right about this man. He lifted his bandaged hand up, and bent his fingers back, making a palm sign with his hand. It caused Thomas to step back. In a whim Thomas tried the red door he had hurt his hand on, and it opened. When the door creaked open, another faceless, bandaged man, stood there, looking at him, with a crooked spine, and smelt of death.

Thomas stepped back. He no longer knew what he was running from. The faceless man stepped out of the door and crept towards Thomas like a disease. Thomas stepped back, and came closer to the shadow…

“Come to me, I’ll protect you. Thomas, where are you?”

Every door in front of Thomas, the ones that stood in the direction he had been running opened. The same, faceless, bandaged man came out. The red doors, the blue doors, the black doors… Every one spewed the same disgusting creatures. Some had holes in their face, other had blood dripping from their body.

Drip… drip… the squelching of footprints through the now bloodied floor was a prominent sound, though they moved silently. Thomas sweat in panic. He stepped into the shadow behind him, and kept going. With each door he passed, another faceless, creature reared its ugly, rotting head.

They walked closer, breathing breath that intoxicated the air, so foul that clouds of gas seemed to dissipate as they exhaled.

“Let me in, Thomas… I’ll protect you…”

Thomas shook his head, as he stepped further back. Before long, he backed into something he could not pass. He dared not look behind him. It felt like a wall, but he was sure that nothing was holding him there.

“Let me in, damn you. I will save you from this. I will protect you.”

Thomas shrieked, letting out an exasperated cry for help, but no help came. They came closer, and closer, and with each step he felt his heart rising, and his breath getting heavier. Before long, he felt his chest pound, his eyesight blur, and there were so many hands. They all showed that same palm, blood seeping through the bandages. They were coming for him.

Thomas closed his eyes as he heard the voice one more time. “Thomas, let me save you!” It cried.

He took one final gulp, and agreed. Everything came crashing towards him, the faceless men started running, but something took over… something stopped them. Thomas blinked, and they were all cut down in front of him. He stood at the end of the corridor with a beating hand in his heart. He observed the ripped limbs, rolling heads, and other pieces of their bodies that were still twitching, and moving in the darkness.

Thomas woke up, he sat against the root of a tree, and gazed up at the moon. He looked down at his bandaged hand “What have I done?” he asked. His hand was covered in the blood of the ghosts from his past. “What have I become?” he cried. Though he crouched, his shadow grew long, and watched silent.

It grew still. When the wind blew, he heard the giggling of a child, “You became me.”



Today, I’m ashamed to be British

I am genuinely ashamed to be British, today. That being said, maybe not for the reason you might think. It is not because the vote for independence over-ruled the vote to stay. It is not because people made a decision I am not happy with. It is not because ‘Old people know nothing’ nor is it because, ‘young people are stupid’. It certainly isn’t because for the first time in a very, very long time we had an turnout of 72.2%…

Now, the reason for this post, and the reason I am upset over the way the vote went, is because it has separated the population of Britain, practically in half. Many people who voted Brexit, have regretted it, but at the same time, I have no sympathy for them whatsoever.

I didn’t think that was going to happen. I didn’t think that my vote would matter too much, because I thought we would remain. (0:29-0:32)

It is frankly, people like that who piss me off. It is just aggravating to play devil’s advocate because you think it would be funny, and then piss your pants when the result turns that way. It is embarrassing that there are thousands, expected to be up to a million people who wish to change their vote because of such stupid things as this. How can you possibly hope to be taken seriously when you took the vote as a joke to begin with?

Moving on…

The biggest thing, so far that has upset me, has been the violent outbursts of brexit voters. Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand completely that the loudest people are the ones that are heard and do not represent for the rest. More than that though, some of the posts, pictures, and stories that have been aired already are just disgusting, and vile.

I’ll just let these pictures speak for themselves:








I could not believe that this is the country that I live in. These five pictures, (out of a gallery of 118) I am appalled to be a part of my country.

Furthermore I am outraged by the audacity of pensioners, and people who are middle-aged. The fact that there have been dozens, hundreds, thousands of ‘older generation’ people who have spat at the vote that the young people of this country have given. The fact that they are claiming we are the ungrateful ones for voting remain, and not being happy about the result… by posting pictures of the war, compared to a party in modern times… these are by people who were never in the war, and most veterans of the war voted in! I am categorised as a young person, being twenty three years old. I spent a month before making my decision looking everything up, filtering the media and the scaremongering, to successfully choose the reasons for my vote, and whether it be out, or in.

Many of these people who claim that young people are uneducated, and do not know why they voted, are people who voted, “Make Britain great again”. Don’t get me wrong, I have met older people who have given their vote in confidence and sat down and explained their reasons, and there are some good ones.

One problem, which every single person falls over on, is the speech where they talk about, “But what you don’t understand is that Britain was fine before the EU and it will be fine again.” That may be true, but we have passed the age of being a Kingdom, and we have moved on from the age where we colonised half of the world. We have no ties in other countries. We made millions from our coal industries, and our steel industries, and now… now it’s all gone. Sure, we make some electrical equipment, and industrial equipment, still.

The other thing that I have a paramount of emotion for, and I feel sorry for the people who this affects is one of the biggest reasons for Brexit voters, was that they thought they could get rid of the immigrants in their country if they vote leave. I don’t think anyone realises that these ‘immigrants’ those ‘horrible people’ those ‘job stealers’ came into this country for many reasons… And stealing your job wasn’t one of them.

  1. they came here to get a better life for themselves and their families. Ask yourself, wouldn’t you?
  2. They came here because Britain needed people from their line of work.
  3. They came here because they liked Britain, and it was a new chance for them.

They also have a dozen others, but whatever the reason is for them coming here, it isn’t to make your lives worse. Brexit politicians have already admitted that it won’t do anything to the immigration figures. And, I know we have had some problems with immigrants coming here and whether they beat our women, or have criminal records… but that has nothing to do with the EU, that has more to do with our government, our border control, and our legal system than anything else. Furthermore: the problems that we say we have with immigration, are to do with immigration outside of the EU.

It’s not like we don’t have 1.3 million ‘old people’ in Spain living out their days, is it?

But no, the problem is that these people want everything to be British, and they need to wake up to the idea that Britain, has not been British since the Britons got taken over by the Celts, romans, Vikings, anglo-saxons, the French, and whoever else put their fingers in Britain’s pie. Our British monarchy is a germanic family for fuck sake. So what is British? British has always been a european country, and has always been a place where people migrate to, whether to stay, or to travel through. Whether today, whether yesterday, whether a thousand years into the past.

So, for those of you who voted to get immigrants out of the country? people who came here, and have their dual nationality already, and have tried their hardest their entire lives to work here, they have as much of a right to stay here as you do… for those of you who feel it is your Britain, because you were born here? Yet own no lands, live in council estates, and have no plans to buy out towns, or villages, or cities, and claim right to rule, you have as much right as these people. If it wasn’t for your father coming here, or great grandfather, or how many before you, I can guarantee that you go back far enough, and every single one of your families came from other countries.

I’m writing this blog to show you all how much hate is circulating Britain right now, so if you still want to visit the UK, you should hold off, if you want to move here? Come try, but be prepared for a rocky ride, if you don’t ‘look white’.

Today is the day that I feel ashamed to be a part of a nation that has so many people who want to follow the type of men who our great grandfathers fought to protect, and died fighting against.

So, for all you old people out there, who believe that voting out was a right thing to do, I want you to think about the politicians you follow, how many of those you actually trust, and how much you put your beliefs in those who have been torturing this country like a disease for a very long time.

Last year, I talked to a friend about the pillars of Islam being Jihad… they aren’t… but he believed that because the media told him to. The same way that this year, right now, he set up rants, and abusive posts about how we have been abusing the older generation and getting angry with them when we are just too sensitive. I guarantee this person would be outraged and acting the same if it was the other way around. But I shit you not that things like this show ones true colours. And if those colours are the ones to run through this country, then I would turn my back on it.

I personally believe that unifying is a natural thing. We have been doing it for thousands of years, and whether we dilute into a state of Europe, so what? The same as everyone else in Europe, there is no one ruler, but a bigger democracy. Don’t get me wrong, much has to change, and things need to be sorted out… but I think that is a possibility that I would prefer over breaking down our already small nation into even smaller pieces.

But on the bright side, I’m done with the arguing, and trying to discuss these things with people who’s answer to everything is, “We shall make Britain great again” while they smoke, eat, and drink, european or international supplies…

The real question for me to ask these people: is that you want to make Britain great again? What will you do for your country? Will you support British food? British alcohol? British cigarettes? Will you boost the economy? Become an entrepreneur and put a real, real effort into your country so it can stand again?


Right, you’ll sit back now that you’ve won your vote, and moan when the system starts to fail.

Anyone who voted because of immigration, or because they want to make Britain ‘White’ or ‘great’ should really give themselves some time to reflect upon their actions, because you haven’t just let yourselves down, you let your country down, and that is where the next 5-10 years will be a make or break…

I’m done. I’ve had my say, and now I’m off to keep my head down for the next two years, get my degree, and get the fuck out of here before Hitler V.2 takes over.



‘Believe in yourselves, for when you don’t, I will… this is one hell of a brick to put into a wall.’

On fire

So… the post I wrote yesterday was an explanation of how I write when I’m tired. By that, I mean, I talk the most bullshit when I am more exhausted than a squirrel that is on-a-down from drinking a barrel full of coffee. Furthermore, when I wrote an email to someone, I had to erase six paragraphs because I started writing about the war. What war you ask? I have fought no war. So, a little note for me:

Don’t write when you’re tired. Doughnut.

Now that that is out of the way. Let us carry on.

Where to begin, where to start? This morning, I woke up, still tired, but in a good mood. I forgot to wash my clothes as I had a long weekend away and I’ve just put them up now, so I couldn’t go to the gym. I cleaned my house instead. It’s been a good sweep. I found some cool stuff I forgot, and my wardrobe collapsed on me when I tried to move it. If you’re thinking of taking the easy way out by moving a canvas wardrobe with all the clothes still in there… don’t. It will end in your demise, sort of.

Other than moving stuff around, it has been a little bit of a slow day. I have come back to my mountain behaviour, and I will get up tomorrow, and things will return to the way they were.

The thing I realised over the weekend is that there is an underlying something, that’s just not talked about with my brother, because when we went out in the evening, I found that he met many people he knew, and stood in front of me when talking to them. To top it off, he never introduced me to a single person, aside from someone who knew my parents, but that’s because they greeted me.

It was a surprising realisation as he’s always so quick to meet my friends, and people I know… But hey, I guess that is just the way it is.

Other than that, I am aiming to walk forward, and improve myself, just as I started out trying to. Focus on myself for a change, as even when I tell myself to, I seem to always digress onto other people. It would be nice if I could concentrate for longer than five minutes.

Even though I’m working on myself, this will always stand:

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will; this is but one brick in a very long wall.


Do you ever lose sight of the path you’re on? The direction in which you want to walk in, and the way you want to be? I do, sometimes. When I get into periods of being down, and distant with myself that’s when I lose track. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had mostly ups lately, and have been incredible when it comes to stopping spiraling thoughts. I’ve been proud of myself for the first time in a while, and I think it will continue to get better.

That being said, I feel the need to apologise to a few people, because I have been showing them a discourtesy, without realising; it isn’t on. I think, I need to apologise so I’ll say, “I’m sorry.” I have been flirting with the wrong people, trying to get my mind off things about love. You know, switching the thoughts of one with the thoughts of another. That sort of thing, and it’s wrong. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I dislike the person/people I’m flirting with, just that not all of them are right for me, and they know that, I’ve told them, but I’m not helping things.

In all honestly, I only ever do it when I’m on the verge of a downward mood. Now, I usually don’t voice my personal, personal life, and I am usually so cryptic about everything… but in all honestly, I’m tired. I’m so damn tired, and that’s not because I’ve been up since yesterday morning, due to a BBQ, my daughter’s birthday party, and when she went to bed, I was allowed to frequent a few clubs in town with a friend of mine.

It was awesome, but was so packed that you couldn’t dance without knocking into someone. Very uncomfortable.

Now, my daughter had an awesome party, and is now shattered lying in bed. I am now slightly crashing, due to tiredness, and will be falling asleep after this… but I wanted to just make the people around me aware of why I do things.

My friend and I had a conversation a few days ago about how I should be more of an asshole because I keep getting hurt by the people close to me. I don’t think I can pretend to be anything. We all have a bit of an asshole personality inside us, and I think that’s normal, but treating people badly, and not caring is VERY HARD-> impossible for me.

So, I’ll just have to sort out everything I feel bad about, fix them, or walk away from them, and …. walk forward.

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will. This is but a long brick in a very long wall.

Fuck you Brexit

I’m not really sure where to start this evening. I have have had a week of ups and downs, and they just keep coming! It has been apparent that I am not liked, by the creator/god/gods/fates, or whoever the fuck is in charge. Aside from bat-shit crazy dreams, and 5 days of gym I received a confirmation about a past event, which was just, upsetting really, I have had a shit time, over-all really. Enduring one terrible argument, and almost getting into another the morning after, and, to top it all off, my country, the UK, decided to leave Europe. If I had eggs in a basket, I would throw them at someone. So, let us dive into the points.

The dreams

During the last few nights, I’ve had some pretty chilling dreams. Remember the post I wrote about my door swinging open? I did something a few nights ago, quite possibly making things worse. I decided to force a dream through meditation, and it took two nights, and three hours each interval to get it right. After going back to the dream, I tried to make sense of it, and challenge the people in it. I’m not going into details, but I think I’m better off because of it. That being said, I am reminded of an event that happened last year, of which, I gave myself a moment out of my day today, to think about. Anyway, putting that back in the shelf of the lost and forgotten, lets move on.

On the fifth day

So, I decided to attend the gym five days in a row this week. It actually was not as bad as I thought it would be. It started off well on Monday. Tuesday, I forgot to eat breakfast, and grew lightheaded. Wednesday, I had another good session and Thursday I had a short session, as I was running late. Friday, today, was okay. I started to feel the exhaustion today, that, and running on three hours sleep is not a good thing. Other than that, I feel the need to congratulate myself for getting through a week of gym, without giving up.(Now for the rest of summer) The first week is always the worst… right?

A losing battle

Now, I won’t pretend to understand women, and I won’t pretend to understand anything one hundred percent. Heck, I surprise myself half of the time, and at the moment, I’ve been struggling with some emotions.

I feel like I need to tell you all the truth, and as much as I’m trying to be like a mountain, I’ve had a really bad week full of bloody emotions… It started on Monday, and when you spend four hours with someone, practically laughing and smiling with someone, you can’t help but look into their eyes and see something more than nothing.

Note: I’d just like to point out that I’m trying my best to let go of a love in my life, because it it will never work, and is clearly not reciprocated.

Now, last night I had a late night conversation with someone, and it was just friendly and nice, and we talked about different things, and we brought up the idea of intimacy. The problem with this topic, is the fact that something happened between us a month ago which I was given very little explanation, and as much to my expectation, she was avoiding the topic when I asked her questions about it. She made a joke about me, and I made one back. The snap was the start of the conversation, and she got funny with me.

Anyway, we had a four hour argument, practically saying a lot of stuff we did, or didn’t mean, I’m not a hundred percent sure. But, I’ve got some answers, and I can put that chapter of my life to rest properly now. I don’t feel comfortable with how she felt about what happened between us, and truth be told, I feel like a giant mistake. That being said, I got quite rude last night, from being upset about it, and she reacted badly back. Now, this is someone who at the best of times we reflect off each other so well, but well, we found out we react terribly when we are at our worst.

Anyway, after a lot of tears, from both sides, I fell asleep, and she thought I ignored her… It didn’t help the fact that before I fell asleep I said the words, “I’m done with this, I can’t deal with this anymore.”… and something dawned on me… as much as we were both being horrible to each other, we had no intention of walking away from one another, as friends. We just wanted to be in each other’s lives. So, I couldn’t understand why she was being so horrible (I was being horrible back, and started the conversation in the first place) So, I understand that now…

Besides, when you hear the worst thing you could possibly hear from someone it can feel like you don’t know them at all. The problem is, I have a problem withholding things I shouldn’t say. As in, I say it all, straight away, there and then… like an idiot. Something I thought I was over, but what can I say, this girl knows how to get under my skin with her words, and I had to say something.

So, this morning, I explained some stuff, and we have yet to finish the conversation as she ran out of data… but… once that conversation is done, I will be officially closing a chapter of my life, and letting go of her. We will stay friends, but I’ll be moving past it. I just feel uncomfortable feeling how I do. In fact, I learnt something about myself, the fact that I always seem to fall for people who I know will hurt me. It seems to be a terrible habit. It’s sort of like looking down into a river, from the top of a bridge and saying, “I’ll probably die if I jump” but you shrug your shoulders and jump anyway.

The problem with this was that I hit a concrete floor, luckily enough though, I think we’ll be okay. I can’t deal with anyone right now. I really, really can’t, and she, and a few others have helped me realise this.

Brexit Brexoff.

Now, to top off my week, the UK left Europe today. I’m fucked off with this result because frankly, we are floating on reputation as it is already.

  1. We are a tiny, tiny country, and though was once great when we conquered, and owned much more land, we are no longer that way, and have very little power.
  2. We have little export. Sure, we do provide some mechanical equipment, and whatever else… but from what we used to have, in terms of industry, we have very little.
  3. We are not America. Independence may have worked for America, but America is 100x the size of Britain… It also has so much more of a diverse production.
  4. We are leaving the EU because of a hundred and one reasons, many of which immigration comes to mind. I think this is a load of bollocks and the people who voted for this reason should really look at themselves in the mirror, and realise that the EU has nothing to do with ‘problematic immigrants causing trouble’ and people ‘bringing their child brides into the country’ in fact, no country in the EU allows child brides for one…
  5. We have let the bad guys win. Every ass-hole to date wanted ‘independence’ and started this shit over something stupid, to blame someone else than themselves for the problems that are happening in Britain.
  6. Much of the reason for Brexit was ‘To make Britain great again’ now… I would love to meet the guy who came up with the saying, and ram my fist down his throat, and remove his tongue, and possibly a heart. If he had one… but how dumb can anyone fucking be. Our greatness, came from slavery, coal, iron, and steel. It came from military might, and our empire is in pieces, and will NEVER return… Now, today? Can anyone think of something they can get from Britain that anyone can’t do better? I can’t… aside from Welsh cakes, but you’re all welcome for that.
  7. Aside from that, the same people who voted to leave, have no idea what to say, or to do. It has driven me up the wall. Many people have already claimed they have ‘made a mistake’ and want to take back their vote because the pound value has already dropped… and the so-called promises the Brexit campaigners have made, are already coming out as lies. This morning, a promise relating to £350 million, to be spent on the NHS, was a ‘mistake’.

Moving on

So, all in all, I’m pretty pissed off with my week, I’m fed up and irritable… It’s not just a shit week for me, but for Britain, and I will continue believing that. Stupid fools.

Other than Britain, it’s been a pretty bad week, and it has put me off people for a while, and I want to focus on myself. Actually, a house in the middle of nowhere-forest sounds perfect right about now. So, if any of this offends someone, please click ‘unfollow’ and dissipate in a plume of smoke. It’ll be fun, promise.

I’m not a strong person, I’ve always been weak, the only quality I have that makes me strong is to keep getting back up again… I think people think I’m something that I’m not because I make things look easy, or make it seem like I never have a problem, when in fact, a lot of what I do is difficult for me to do, but that’s why I can smile, because every step for me is a success, compared to what I used to be like. But, I will say one thing… I’m walking forward, regardless of whether the people around me are, or not… but I hope they stay on the same page… I hope this blog post doesn’t make it seem different. I may be pissed off, but it doesn’t mean I do not care.


Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will… this is but one great big fucking brick in a very, exhausting, long wall.

A little reminder

Remember to be yourself, and remember to smile. When you smile because of who you are; when you smile because you’re who you need to be, want to be… no one can take that away from you. It doesn’t matter how much they try and run their words through you… be unceasing like a mountain.

Remember, when you hit your worst moment, the person that picks you up, is you. But in case you can’t, here:

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will; this is but another brick in a very long wall.


Unceasing smiles

There are those small things throughout your day that really cheer you up. For me, yesterday, it was the fact that when my daughter got out of bed she said, “I love you Daddy, now can we have breakfast?” I laughed so much I almost fell out of bed. She made my day, ha-ha. It then kick-started my day when we left, and we spent the whole way there saying good morning to different people just because she wanted to.

When we got to Uni, and I said goodbye, she picked two flowers to show everyone and get them to smell them. She wanted to give them to the people there caring for her. I went to the gym, and worked out for an hour, though I forgot to eat  breakfast so I grew light-headed after an hour. It’s also difficult to exercise with hay-fever, yay for life.

After the gym, I came home and did some of my Spanish lesson. After about 1pm I had a video call with my Spanish ‘teacher’ ha-ha, and when she went to check her food I started singing, and I didn’t realise she had come back. She told me she didn’t believe that it was my voice… *sad face* and then asked me to keep singing. It was hilarious. We spent about three hours talking, and it was filled with mostly smiles and laughter. Now, I have only rapped since I had known her, I rarely ever sing. After listening to Shawn Mendes – Stitches a few times I knew the song. When singing, we had such a laugh it was a good memory to be reminded of.

After that, I picked up my little doughnut, and we bought some ice-cream, and went home. When I arrived home, I finished up my Spanish lesson, sat down with my daughter, and we had a chat about her day, and when it was bed-time I took her upstairs, and she wanted me to cuddle her in her bed. She hasn’t got a very big bed, so I had to lie on the floor and put my arm around her. Upon which, she started laughing and said, “Daddy, get off my bed, you’re too big.” Thank you daughter, thank you.

When I went downstairs, she fell asleep straight away, aside from minor dispute with a friend, my night went pretty well, but I wanted to just be alone, and that’s what I did. I watched three episodes of Orange is the New black, and I browsed the web for a bit. I wanted to play  game, but nothing is interesting me at the moment.

All good fun eh?

I think it’s important to think about the little things of your day, for without them, the day has less meaning.

Believe in yourself, for when you don’t, I will, for this is but one brick in a very long wall.

Lucille VII

“Where am I?” I wondered, looking around, head bobbing like a boat lost at sea, surviving a stormy night. I raised my hand and looked at the hair follicles that covered the back of it and curled up my arm. I counted every single one. “Six hundred and seventy three.” My pupils wide, or so I could see from the reflection on the spoon resting on the table. I used my napkin to wipe the small droplets of drool leaking from the gruff of my moustache. “Why is everyone looking at me?” I squeezed my nose, and wiped the sweat from my brow. I stroked my hand through my hair and stared back at them.

“Why are people here? I’m at my house, aren’t I?”

A waiter approached me. “Good evening, sir… have you decided what to eat yet?” He asked.

“The pea and ham soup for starters please.” I had to close my eyes for a second. When he turned to leave, my hand grabbed his arm. “Whiskey, as well. The bottle.”

“Very well, sir. Thank you.” I released him and almost fell off my seat. When I adjusted myself on my seat, I checked the inner-pocket of my dark grey dinner jacket in search for what was left of my opium.

“Goddammit” I muttered. This bottle had lasted me two weeks. I shook it, and opened my mouth in hope to suck in the remaining vapour. I pulled out my pocket watch and checked the time,

“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…” I closed my pocket watch. It was silver, and was shiny.

“6… 7… 8… 9.. 10” I opened my pocket watch again, “Quarter to eight.”

I shook my head, and tried to pull myself together “Lucille should be here soon, I need to be of sound mind.”

I closed my eyes again, and slowly breathed. In through my nose, and out through my mouth. In through my nose, and out through my mouth. In through my mouth, and out through my nose…

“I shouldn’t have taken this shit…” I wiped the sweat from my brow once more and muttered, “I need more.”

By the time dinner had arrived, I knew where I was. “The King’s arms.” I looked around, and announced to the waiter, “I can’t start without Lucille.” He kept the dinner in steel containers. The hot plate, turned warm and time ticked on. After forty-five minutes, I decided to eat the soup and leave. I took the bottle of whiskey with me. I shrugged the waiter’s arm off of mine, he pitied me.

I walked down the road kicking a few loose stones across the pavement. “Why would Lucille not attend my dinner? I invited her, I was pleasant. I bet it was that whoreson Thomas. I know who you are, Rich-kid, in-bred swine.” I smashed the bottle on the floor, and headed for a crossing. Across the road was a carriage, waiting outside an old building. It seemed posh, and rather fashionable.

I stumbled across, with a keen eye. There she was, “Lucille…” I whispered. She entered the carriage with Thomas, “That’s it…” I firmly handled my silver handled razor-blade in my pocket. I imagine everything I could to do him. I could ruin his face, so she will never love him…

“Or I could ruin her’s for rejecting me…”

I gave a harsh stare at the carriage, and caught Lucille’s eye. Still, her power over me was strong and my heart raced when she noticed me. Could this be love?

Time will give me the answers I need. I have time. I need more opium.


If you want to read the previous account of Lucille, please check Meg’s blog. See what Lucille has been doing.