When I come to think about things, when have I ever been in a position where I’ve not had an interest in at least one person. I’m not talking about a flirt or two; I’m talking about a true, proper connection with someone. I often wonder that this barricades my being from connecting with anyone else, at the time. It is like a tunnel, a transition; it is like being stuck in a state of liminal being.
I had quite the ignition of the past this evening, where I talked to my friend a little too much, and we delved into one another’s mind’s like a scene out of The Matrix. Though this has been someone I had feelings for, and still care for her greatly, I could not help notice that the feeling of infatuation had been replaced with a feeling of instinctual care, worry, and general curiosity.
The thing is, that this person had been there for me over the past several months without asking for anything in return. She’s been a star. I don’t easily, but I sensed something with her that I could not help but open up to. Whether it be a warm smile, or a sense of complex motherly/protective instinct, I am sure it brought us close enough to connect on a level where we understand one another.
In fact, after talking to her about someone she is in love with(Madly, if I may add.) She has this tendency to protect her mind from anyone getting too far into her head that they might actually understand her. This evening however, I had a little more time. What I found was in fact she is quite the heart-felt person and has been stuck in a state of mind where she feels rather trapped, and I offered a solution. I told her not to sacrifice her heart, for the heart of another. This, meaning that if she harbours intense feelings for someone, she should go for it.
It actually reminded me of quite the predicament I was in long ago. Where I was in love with someone who I couldn’t reach as our paths were taking us into different directions, but we still got too close. Though, I know how painful it is to hold onto someone, even when they have moved on. We ended up as best friends, instead, but I don’t think it’d end the same way for her. I think she has a real shot at happiness and I really wouldn’t want her to waste that.
Tonight has struck a cord with me, and disassociated me from the real world for a moment, allowing the idea to sink in that I am actually far from any decent connection with someone who has a romantic interest. Tonight was a little eye-opening for me in the sense that though I don’t believe I need a partner, and no longer feel like I’m looking for something to fill that void in my heart I still sometimes miss the feeling of being so interested in someone, and that person in me, that we would talk for hours a day; even smiling and laughing with someone day in and day out is something I miss.
That being said, it doesn’t matter so much for me. After meeting several people over the last year and coming to the conclusion that aside from it being hard to commit to me, because of my daughter, it is also that I’m observant, and I seem to be on ‘another level’, whatever that means.
And, as much as it has boasted a severe disappointment, I have ascertained a level of understanding and acceptance, so much so that I thank the people who walked away when they felt these feelings, rather than pushing a relationship that wouldn’t work. More so, for me, that I am able to agree that it is better to walk away from something you know you don’t want, than forcing two pieces that do not fit together. For me, it means I’m closer to finding a piece of the puzzle that fits.
I was probably going somewhere with this, but I digress, and forget.
Over-all, I had an awesome night with an awesome friend; I believe that our friendship is stronger, and I got a glimpse of what she is really like, behind the mask everyone puts on. I can say, without a doubt that she is an important person in my life, and I am proud to be her friend.
So, if this relates to you, feel free to ask anything below in the comments, and I’ll be sure to reply.
Notice, breathe, listen, and remember that sometimes all it takes is for someone with a different point of view to look your way.