Where am I?

Where am I at?

I’m eyeing a tornado before me, and though its wind is stretching as far as my eyes can reach I am forever faced with this incredible, yet reaping feeling of being in both the eye of the storm, and in the force of the pressure forcing me to feel wrapped like a Pharaoh wrapped in linen.

There are certainly days where I feel like I’m trapped. I’ve even had dreams where I’ve been in the centre of a circle with chains pinning me down; chains which come from every direction. Most of us go through life running scared, and I’ve come to the end of my rope in this, and I’ve had enough of letting my path be written for me, and I want to write my own path, and I will.

Where have I been?

Over the last two weeks, I have been going to the gym three times a week. For the odd day where I have been unable to go, I have ran back and for from nursery before picking my daughter up.

I haven’t read that much, but have been seeing the people close to me, and it’s about time I start sticking to my routine more. So, this week, I will dedicate myself to strictly doing the things I promised myself I would. I feel better with each passing day and after losing 5 kilograms in two weeks I feel like I have a chance at my goal.

I have talked to my ex partner, and it was nice to talk over things and have a good ending, rather an a bad ending. I have delved into my past a bit more than I should of but here I am, crossing off the things that should be left behind. So, I’ve been scared to burn the bridges that I’ve crossed, but fuck it. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m going places and I’m not going to let me become the Welshman that lives in the past.

It was an awesome day yesterday (Friday) as I went paintballing for the first time and loved it! It was so nice to go out for the day with a few uni friends and it really cheered me up, aside from the bruises and cuts across my body, it was a great experience.

So you began to  look at this decade and affirming that this is your decade. As you set goals that will make you stretch that bring the best out in you. As you begin to remove the negative, toxic people from your life. As you decide to take some chances in your life; and that’s one of the things that’s very important. This god said, “If you’re not willing to risk you cannot grow; and if you cannot grow, then you cannot be happy. If you can’t be happy, then what else is there? (27:20-27:40)

This is where I am, and this is where I will be for a while before I reach what I want to become. For the longest time in my life I have felt out of time, out of place, out of sight, our of mind. I have felt like I was born into the wrong era, and into the wrong area. I have felt like I have never belonged anywhere.

From conversations I’ve had with people, and the time I take out of my day to talk to new people, or old people, and the time I’ve spent, and will spend working on my spiritual prosperity is very important to me, and becomes greater with each passing day. I just want to do one thing, and that is never giving up on myself, or the people around me, and I won’t.

I no longer feel trapped, and have come to a stage now where I feel that I have done more as a person, and developed as a person in both a physical, and spiritual way since my daughter has been in the picture, than ever before. Before I had my daughter, I was floating. I swirled through good and bad emotions and the only effort I had went on video games. Sure, I enjoy playing games now, but they’re starting to bore me more each day, and I’m seeking out more than the virtual world.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I am the one guiding myself down this river, that I am the one in charge. And though, some people around me push me in certain directions without realising it sometimes, I feel that without the people closest to me, like my friends, and my family pushing me, or showing me what I would be if I refuse to push myself, makes me feel like they are making me into a better person. I know one thing for certain, I will always respect the closest friends to me.

One day I’ll repay the debts that I collect, but until that day I’ll remain grateful that people take time out of their day to talk to me, and to ask me how I am, what I’m thinking. You certainly have no idea how nice it is knowing that someone, or some people want to get to know me, for me and that is all there is to it.

So, the next few months will make or break me, and I hope everyone stays around to see the end result; whatever it is, it will be amazing.

So, let my old bridges burn, and the water in the river stir. It’s okay, I can steer the path.

It’s really nice to know myself, and understand the person I’m becoming.

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