So, a friend of mine told me today that my radar is off. I would normally laugh such things off, but during the mood I was in I thought it had prevalence to the way I had been getting myself into trouble.
Now, I don’t mean real trouble, like gang fights, terrorist groups, and the occult, I mean trouble with the type of people I either seem to fall for, or seem to involve myself with.
I mean, my first love was a girl who I hold dearly, even to this day as someone influential over the path that I walk now, today. After that, it pretty much went downhill from there, and it wasn’t a very high standard of expectation either.
The mother, whom I have had my longest relationship with, of which was between two-three years… had a dozen personalities by the time we split up, and lost track of time, and she lied about the lie, of her lie, which was a lie, deforming the truth derived from her lie. I can’t hate her for shit though, she gave me my daughter, whom I love very much. That being said, disaster touched me from there on.
And, after a rebound with a girl younger than the mother, it was very much me, almost repeating the same mistakes, but at least, I had this voice inside my head now, that said, “Don’t you fucking dare” every time I got close to doing something stupid again. Like staying with someone who made me miserable.
Sadly, this voice weight heavily on my heart, and forced me to push some people away from me. Like the girl I met in Sweden. Though we were both in dark places at the time, it was the first time I properly enjoyed myself with someone since the first couple of ‘dates’ with the mother. It was also the first girl who I bought a night at a hotel with, and bought everything on that night for, and that being so, I regretted none of it because she just made me happy for the short time we were together. We later decided we were too young for such a long distance thing, and some other things came up.
We still keep in touch, but there’s that tension between us now of whether we risk it or not, and I’m not in a place to (university) and she’s got her own stuff to deal with. We are still closer than you might think though, and we’re always there for each other. (So, it isn’t too bad.)
There was a girl a year after meeting Swedish girl, who I met which was the first time I felt comfortable with someone since Swedish girl, and that was the lawyer. The lawyer was nice, though she knew I was a student and still expected me to pay for her. Ha-ha. It went well until she disappeared over night, and I even looked after her kids on a regular basis, so there were her 2 kids, and my daughter, and I had to handle them all. My grades probably suffered because of it, and so did my heart. I’ve never been one for the lacking of answers. If you wanna truly piss me off, don’t tell me the answer.
Now, you’d think I’d learn from this, and just give up on women, quite possibly swing for the other side after having someone disappear on me. But, she popped up a year later, explaining herself, but I couldn’t let myself fall for her again, even if she sorted her life out again, because what happens the next time things get rough?
then followed a series of short flings, along with a girl from Somerset who I actually had a decent connection to, and she was quite nice, but we were just walking in two different directions, so we called it off.
A girl, who told me she did not believe in sex before a few months of a relationship, and ended up sleeping together after the first date. Sadly, it put me off, and I know it was my fault too, but if I’m looking for a long-term relationship, I’d rather be told no.
And since September, and the start of uni, I’ve had a couple of people who we were just friends, or I met up with a few people on dates and things but no one really interested me, and it was at a point where I could detect crazy. So, shortly after dinner, I ran. Usually… sadly, my luck.
So now, we’re here, after a short relationship with a woman who promised me quite a lot, and in fact, caused me to be pretty disappointed after throwing it all away, and there will be no way in hell, I ever let someone close to my heart without someone being absolutely fucking special. I’m not looking for a relationship, and this has made me feel happier with myself, and made me feel better about being on my own, but god damn, why do people lie so much?
Oh, I forgot about a crazy stalker I ended up getting last year, who only stopped messaging me the beginning of this year, crazy… a whole year summarising to about 48,000 emails/texts. Geez, I sure can pick them.
Then, there’s the awkwardness of people who I feel a real connection to.
The blond-haired, green eyed girl who I got close enough to see a future with the girl, but didn’t choose me…
The red-haired protector who can’t seem to let anyone help her, even though she wants it, but still refuses it…
The brown-haired girl with crystal-blue eyes, who seems stuck between what side of her she wants the world to see…
The dark haired Southerner who seems to enjoy misery enough to fix herself to it, rather than freeing herself from it… and though she’d never look at me in a way more than friendship, she can play me like a game and I’m okay with it, which rather irritates me…
So, some of you who read this might think, “Fuck, what a whore”, or “You can’t have feelings for more than one person”, or even, “Geez, you got shit luck, or a shit taste in people”… but what it comes down to… is the fact that there are a hundred and one factors that attribute to my taste, or what attracts me, and it’s like I’ve been pre-programmed to look for someone who has certain attributes or personality traits, and well I am tired of getting to know people to feel this un-ending fear of never being loved back, which is actually pretty accurate.
So, the people I’ve come across who really do improve my life, and those same people are the ones who marked me as nothing more of a friend have stayed my friends. Even when there is a sub-text that isn’t so innocent, but this un-speakable code which we do not announce such things, but you know what? It sucks.
Unable to tell the person/people around you how you feel, or knowing that nothing would ever happen… it gets to a point where you start to feel like you’re the problem, not anyone else, or not mere coincidence, but that you are the reason for not being chosen by someone, or worth someone’s time, and it just makes you a little bitter after a while.
That being said though… the people I described near the end are not people I would state I’m 100% in love with, but have proved to me that they are people worth trying for, living for, and around, and people that I would gladly go out of my way to protect, and keep in my life. And there is a possibility of something like that to bloom…
Needless to say, that in fact, coming out of the short relationship I was in, showed me that I’m happier being by myself than with someone who is sub-par of what I’m looking for. And for those of you who know me, that I would never refer to someone as sub-par unless it is personally for my benefit, to be able to move forward. Furthermore, I’ve come to the conclusion that the only person who will ever truly love me will be my daughter, and if that is so, I’m okay with it, because I won’t die alone, or feel incomplete in my life, like I had thought. Even if I married no one, and not found a single soul I would die a happy man knowing I was the one who brought such a beautiful and amazing girl into this world.
And that being said, in 2015, I talked about legacy, and what defines us? And my daughter defines me just as I define her.