Disconnected, disillusioned

I find myself laughing every time I look in the mirror. I get glimpses of my day, the people I talk to, the people I meet. It’s like a bunch of uncontrollable flashing images in my head. The matter of the fact is that I don’t really get much time to myself– you know, to think, to reflect, and to calm down. I’ve been high tension lately, and its  been a little difficult to shake off.

I can’t ever describe the way I’m feeling when I’m like this. I suppose you could call it anxiety though I’ve never seen someone about it. My moods range quite wide, and quickly move between each one, and that’s okay for me usually because I am quite the…. fast thinker. My brain seems to travel faster than my body, and when I’m hooked on something, it’s like a drug in the sense that I’ve figured out the 108 different variables that penny may drop. On the other hand, it can be argued that it may be definable, or akin to insanity.

But, saying that, when you infuse depression, with anxiety, and mix it in with my personality… there is a very small corner for them to hide in. My personality is devouring of such things. It’s like I have this internal protector, which cleans up my head from time to time.

Such an interesting concept. I suppose.

The thing is, I’m all about balance. I’ve had enough hardship to know that when you’re happy, something corrects you, or at least, it does to me. The same as when you’re sad. Something happens. It’s like an inherent ability holstered in the deepest, darkest troves of my mind, like a clock, a calculator, some form of measurer, and adapter. It’s like, I can’t have a high, without then having a low, and the same for the reverse.

So, nights like these where a very small amount of people reply, or I can’t concentrate on anything, and I’m having de ja vu, and I’m stuck in the middle of wanting to be social, and wanting to be on my own, I’m torn for two.

It’s funny really, because I’ll get moaned, or shouted at for writing this post, but at the same time, it’s kinda nice that the one or two closest to me will charge at me with sheer will.

I’ve just got too much on my mind, and I’m being pulled in too many directions. As always, it’s a pleasure to write these, and finally, I can silence my thoughts, at least for a moment.


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