A whittled Rose

I’ve never understood the White Rose. It represents undying love; A love that lasts forever. Whether that just so happens to be in eros, philia, ludus, agape, pagma, or even philautia, it doesn’t matter.

I mean, a matter of fact I’ve always been a bit of a loner, a disconnected, dis-sensitized person who, quoting a close friend of mine, “For someone who sees the world in such a different way to everyone else, sees some things very much in black and white.” and she was/is right.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes, I think rules are necessary even though I have such an old view on life. Quite possibly, I have an outdated view on life. I am positive that I should have been born in a different era. That being said, I do leave an impression on people, and have left quite an impression on many over the years.

Now, I don’t forget faces, and eyes are what I remember the most. Also, I have a memory of places, so it takes a lot to get me lost. Anyway, back to faces.

With faces, I associate a specific gaze, with… it’s not the eye colour but the feeling I get from someone looking at me, and that sounds a little crazy but that’s how it is. In actual fact I’ve had a few good conversations with my friends, and have come to a position where I have had a few things to think about.

The White Rose, pulls me back to the first person I had a spiritual connection with, and even though that symbol, of a white rose, the meaning has stayed with me, it has relevance due to another friend saying, “You don’t let go of anything. Though you accept things, they are always there, but never letting you live.” And again, it’s sort of true, because the curse I have where I remember peoples’ faces is a pain in the butt, and my mind works like triggers, so from a face I trigger memories, and one triggers the other, etc. etc. Problem, right?

It doesn’t particularly act as a problem, or acts as something I struggle with. It is just, me. A friend this evening in fact, told me that memories are something we keep alive, or its up to us whether we forget, or keep them. And I can understand where she comes from, because I don’t find certain things important, thus I don’t remember them as such. What I do remember are faces and places. I don’t know why I see them as being the most important…. it’s just programmed into me.

It’s gotten to the point in my life where I am in a position where I value the people who have been there in my life, and see no reason not to be there for them when they need me, even if the matter of time has stood as a barricade between us, and pushed us far away. It doesn’t matter to me if you’ve not seen me in a month, or a year, or 5 or 10, if you help me, I’ll help you, and if you’ve done me a favour, been kind, or just listened, I will do the same for you.

I am not someone who likes to feel indebted to someone, but at the same time, I’m not afraid to ask for help.

This is important to differentiate the two because I find that pride can sometimes get in the way of the more important things. Like, philautia. Self-love. You need to love yourself, and if understanding someone is another word for loving someone, then that’s exactly what you need to do. And everyone in my past, who has helped me become the person I am today, I remember like it was yesterday.

I remember talking to someone on camera every night for the good part of 2 years, and I remember having a million and one chats with certain people, or meeting up for coffee twice a week with friends who we talked to high-heaven. Even ex-partners, even the big-ex, I don’t hold hatred, anger or discontent for what happened, because I wouldn’t be who I am now without their input in my life, good, or bad.

And I try to understand that to be who I am, these things needed to happen.

It makes me sad when someone wants me to forget them, or when someone wants to forget me; take a conversation I had this evening for example.

One of my good friends said to me that they’re leaving soon, and that they don’t see the point in being friends with someone who lives so far away, as past events have told her that she can’t be friends with someone long distance. I know, I understand the situation and have been in the situation before. However, I don’t believe that, because friendship to me is you are there when you can be. It doesn’t get held back because of time, or distance.

That’s where the white rose comes into it. I have an undying love, for anyone who makes, or has made my life better.

Where it be Eros, physical and mental attraction. Being with someone brings this side out of me, and I’ll always remember everyone I’ve ever had that attraction to, and I will cherish every second I experience it with the partner I am with now.

or, whether it be Philia, a deep friendship. I will always have an undying love for the people who have been around me, the people I’ve held in my arms and witnessed their crying, and been at their side, or when they’ve been at mine, without any expectations, and just been there.

or, Agape, a love for everyone. An undying love for humanity, in the sense that connects to me, it is this interwoven desire to be connected to the world, and the White Rose imitates that inter-locking set of chains, through it’s petals over-lapping one another.

or, Pragma, a longstanding love. i’ve experienced this even at my age, and I can honestly say, that feelings for someone, they don’t go, but you accept to let them go, you always feel something when you fall in love, but you give up a piece of yourself when moving on. Things like this, last forever, they stay with you, and sometimes, it can feel like the person walks with you, because a part of yourself is made when you connect to that person for the first time, and the last.

And Philautia, a love of the self. I struggled with this for the longest time, my whole life if not longer. This is because I have always been more weary of myself, than anyone else. Whether it was anger issues as a kid, or whether I didn’t feel good enough for anyone, and self-doubt sunk its claws into me. Either way, it has taken me a long time to come to a position where I see light in myself, and that I’ve been in darkness for far too long. This one is particularly interesting because my partner is helping me realise this, from being there for me without question, and always being kind, and understanding. Not just that, but also I’ve been overcoming challenges, barricades I’ve set myself, and I’ve been winning, for the first time. It’s been amazing.

So, I just wanted to write about the white rose, and how it connects us all to each other, in many ways, and no matter how good, or bad an experience is, I’ll always remember it, and though it can seem like it weighs you down, once you accept it, you’re lighter than ever, and stronger than before. And after the things I’ve seen, done, or been through… I know.

my last weekend of having junk food commences. On Monday, I’m giving up chocolate, crisps, unhealthy snacks, and we shall see how much conviction I really have!

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