Difficult situations

I meditated the other night, and for the first time in a while, I travelled inside, and looked inside my mind. It had changed quite a bit since the last time I walked through my hallways, and saw the cold-stone corridors that stretched, to what seemed like forever. It had been a while since I walked into the darkness, passing doors on the left and right. I usually tried to open every door. I got distracted by every floor. I would go into every room, and try and sort things out, take a look, peak; I would lose myself within each room. It would be different within each one, sometimes people, sometimes fun, and sometimes darkness. The problem with these doors was that they were endless. They kept on going, each emotion had a door, each tense (past, present, future) connections, and so on, so on. But this time, I walked down the corridors, touching the walls with my hands and sliding my fingers across the frames of each door. I kept going. I walked, and I walked. Instead of being locked, or hiding something within them some of them opened. They tried to distract me, but I had no interest. I kept on walking.

When I finally came to the end, I found myself staring at this pedestal with an old book on it. Pillars stood all around it, like a sanctuary, or a trap. I had been there before but it felt like it had been forever. I walked up to the pillars, and the closer I did, the more then people from each room in that corridor came out to watch. There were several figures that stood there waiting. They didn’t push me, or didn’t try to take my eyes away from the book. The only words I heard thunder through my mind were, “Open these pages, and you’ll remember why you’re here.”

I opened them, and the rest was a blur. I’ve been getting an exasperating amount of De Ja Vu since, and finding myself in a paramount of weird situations.

I was reminded of the first time I had certain de ja vu, and I’ve come to a point now where I’m starting to understand them, or at least I think I am.

I’ve had dreams about people before I’ve met them, and had snippets of conversations I was yet to have.

Recently though, very recently, I’ve been getting closer to a friend, and though there’s nothing more than that between us, I can’t help but getting these little snippets of conversation, and looks I get from her that catch me off guard – the kind that you get engraved in your brain, but I’ve always been a believer of everything happening for a reason, but I wish my brain told me what it was doing, sometimes at least. For, I’ve not been in a position where I care about someone, as a friend, like this for a long time. I even get upset with jokes that pretend to be serious. I mean, what is that? It’s not like me at all to be so emotional with peoples feelings, and I know it sounds callous but I usually couldn’t care. So, whether that means I actually found someone I feel that wants to be in my life, as a person who wants to be my friend, or whether it means I’m losing my marbles… either way, it’s been a pleasant wake-up call for me, and has cheered me up quite a bit.

Though, spending time with my friend, again, it’s funny what you learn about a person, about how they can feign disinterest but be interested in getting to know you. How they can pretend they don’t care about what you do, but secretly panic when they think you’re sad. How the one time you don’t wake up and message them, they quickly wonder where you went. It’s funny how you realise how much someone may think about you, though she’ll never admit it, it’s been pretty awesome… I mean, come on, what other friend would bring a dozen doughnuts on a 45 minute journey, just so they could have some. Ha-ha.

As for other events, I’m still trying to be there for my friend who lives abroad, she’s in a bad place, and I wish I could do more, but I can’t where I stand, and it sucks, but I just have to wait for her to find herself, before seeing where we can end up together. We had a long chat about it, which was pleasant and I’m sure we’ll keep in touch.

I did also have a conversation with another, who seems to think I should be more open about myself, so here I am – written on an open page, without a filter. I may be forgetful, and may miss out some bits and pieces, but that’s just me. I’ve worked out an answer to a question I’ve been looking for since Christmas. Who am I living for? The question riddled me, my daughter? myself? my future? I didn’t know the answer, and though it is a tough one… I believe I’ve found an answer, and by September, I’ll be ready to try my second year at becoming the person I want to be. It may not be the best answer, but it’s mine.

Haha, aside from the de ja vu, and snippets of the future, who knows what the future may hold…


Goodnight, and remember to let someone in now and then, whether they hurt you or not, it’s always worth the risk.



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