Losing something you’re trying to find

I’m sitting here late at night, thinking about a gap that I’ve had for as long as I remember and as I think back I get reminded of every time I’ve ever had a reading.

When reading, I mean Tarot Cards. I’ve had my fortune told about five times over the last five years, really. Every single time the person reading my cards told me I’m letting someone control my life. Every time. They would announce, “You’re trapped, by choice.” and I couldn’t understand the concept. And I know sometimes I feel trapped, seeing as I know that I’m going to be bringing my daughter up on my own for the next two decades. That being said, my parents have been helping me more than I’d imagined they would.

They have truly been a marvel. But I can’t help but always creeping back to this sentiment of being trapped by choice. Every time I try to understand it my brain hurts. Then, at the end of the pain I give faint smile, as if it’s okay. It completely baffles me.

I think about the past quite often, and some could, or would say I’m rather stuck in it. Typical Welshman I suppose. Though that is the case I feel there is more to it than I can put into words. Imagine always feeling like there’s a void in your heart. Unexplainable, unreachable? Inescapable. Now, do you understand? It’s like losing your soul mate, though you know you’re yet to meet the person. It’s like being divorced after believing you’ll spend your whole life with someone.

And don’t get me wrong… I’ve met others like it. I’ve met people who share this feeling, though not often.

Sometimes, when someone asks me what I’m looking for in a person, I can’t answer because sometimes it feels like I’m not looking for a type, but a person I’m yet to meet. It’s like I’ve met them already, but who knows how it works or how anything works really. It’s just confusing.

So, I’ve decided to remove myself from the search. I’ve taken myself off any form of online dating, and stepped away from any foolish romance. The only person I need to look after is my daughter, and if someone wants to share my company they can come find me… as I’m not searching any more. I’ve simply not found anyone special, yet… And I doubt I will for a long time.

As for the Tarot Cards, I used to believe I was trapped by choice when it came to a person I was in love with, but I wasn’t. In fact, I made a choice which now I live with, and I sometimes get the feeling of being trapped but at the end of each day it makes it worthwhile.



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