Days like this I feel alien

I’m sitting here with bloodshot eyes, and swollen glands. I’ve been shivering all day, and my body is aching. My muscles feel like they’ve done a hundred miles worth of running, and when I stand up I shake to the point where I have to catch myself.

I’d like to pretend I never get ill, but on the odd occasion, and once in a blue moon I feel human by going through this shoddy mess. As much as I’m unhappy with my weight, and mood sky-rockets every few days, and sinks in between I love my body, and my mind. It surely acts as my opponent.

Lying on my sofa, watching the ceiling change colour as I shiver was an event, indeed. And though I managed to take my daughter to nursery and stumble home, I was met by frequent shocks of pain, like lightning in my brain. It was interesting though; it gave me some ideas.

Funny how we work, isn’t it?

I had images of where I need to take my book in order to complete it, and how to improve on it. Who knew, right?

As well as that it gave me some clarity on what I needed to do in order to better approach life. By doing simple things like stop seeking others’ approval. I need to start seeking the approval of myself. Seeing myself today, it was like I was on the outside of my body looking in at a helpless person avoiding the idea of seeking help, or mentioning it, except for a joke over text to a few strangers…

The reason I say the word strangers is because I haven’t quite had the liberty of having a decent conversation with anyone for the longest of times, and I mean… one where you feel the connection between two people. In all honestly, I feel out-of-bounds with the whole thing. I do miss certain people in my life and think about them when I get like this, but at the same time I think that it is better they are in my past.

Other times, you kinda realise how distant you are to people you were only recently so close to, and as much as it is a little heart-breaking, I think everything moves in the way it does to help us steady ourselves, prepare ourselves, and improve ourselves.

And that’s just what I want to do.

So, this weekend I’m going to pour what is left of my concentration into fixing this flu or cold or whatever the damn thing is, and then working on the rest of the projects I have to do for university this year. I’m very disappointed with myself in one of my modules as I really screwed it up. I hope I get to resit them in the summer.

When my projects are done in April, and everything is out of the way, I’ve decided I’ll read everything I couldn’t read this year, and then get ahead of the game by buying all the books for next year, and reading them over the summer. I’ll be studying in order to improve my grammar… And, I’ll be starting the gym! Time to get fit, I suppose! Ha-ha. To top it all off, I’ll be putting a scary amount of hours into working on my novel.

I’m so gutted that I missed my friend’s party tonight, so I hope she reads this and knows I am so sorry I couldn’t go…

But hey, onwards and upwards.


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