The enemy of oneself I

I’ve never considered someone an enemy, nor have I ever felt the need to go out of my way to be wrathful, or vengeful towards someone who has wronged me. I’ve never felt enough anger to let it take over me enough to do something horrible to someone. I’ve never fought a fight where I was accused of something I did not do. I’ve not hurt anyone intentionally for as long as I can remember. The last time, and the only person who has ever made me feel anger, true anger. Not annoyance, irritation or the feeling of pain/sadness is the big EX of my life.

And that, was after a paramount of verbal abuse, betrayal and physical abuse. Though, I remember when it happened, like the time I snapped. And even that inner monster we all have inside our heads didn’t react physically. I just gave a look that scared her. I remember it so vividly, and I couldn’t understand it. It was the moment that I made a decision to meditate to try and understand myself better. Why would a look scare someone so much they left the house, and ran as if I was the horrible person there? I was the one being attacked both physically and verbally everyday. I suppose I could understand it. But from her words, she said that my eyes had changed.

It was almost like feeling beside yourself, and you were outside, looking in.

It was a horrible feeling, and it made me feel a little disgusted with myself. Not that someone made me sad, or made me angry, or even that someone did all those things to me. It was the fact that I felt like a part of myself took over that shouldn’t have. It was wrong. After that I spent the better part of two years meditating every night and trying to figure out what happened.

The outcome of all that spiritual learning, or whatever it was, was that I don’t feel anger, at all. I just don’t get angry. I don’t know what happened, and can’t really explain it but I just… don’t. After calming down I guess I figured out my limit, and no one comes close to hitting that limit. Sure, I get annoyed, scared, or upset. But I never, ever get angry with anyone.

It is interesting and ever since then I’ve been interested in a theory that whatever emotion we lock away eventually gets strong enough to fight us for control, almost like it becomes so different from us, it’s like a separate consciousness. I think this goes for anyone who comes to a point in their life where they feel that it barters the idea of facing a crucible. My crucible – was myself. And, before that day I had ran from it.

And today, even now, I still hate myself for ever letting myself be pushed to that point where I feel uncomfortable with the thoughts that I had, but I’m glad I never let it win. I get down from time to time and think about things, but what occured to me last night is the fact that I’m not bothered by the fact that people don’t want to spend time with me, and after seeing a quote by someone writing, “Those who look for someone to love hate themselves” I feel like I found my answer. It’s not the fact that I’m angry with other people, or upset about how I’m treated or any of that. It’s the fact that I’m angry with myself for not being the person I want to be and always thinking about what others would think.

 

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