Disconnected, distracted, and then feeling isolated. I find myself feeling these type of things often. The problem with these is that they are addictive feelings, more so, over-powering ones. It’s shit, really. The problem is, which always brings me back down from my surfing the clouds in fairyland is when someone asks me, “Are you okay?”, or “Would you like to talk about it?”.
I am so happy someone asks, but I rarely get asked it. So much so that I get defensive and wonder why they want to know, or/and, rarely say anything is wrong. It’s almost like my brain puts up a wall, protecting me from danger. Whatever the reason is for that is another thing.
As much as I’ve enjoyed playing around with Active and passive voices in my spare time, I’ve come to the conclusion that I would like someone drop kick me back into being me, seeing as my current problem is feeling down because I see my daughter looking for her mother, and/or asking me questions, or telling me she misses her. The problem with that, and very much the thing that is distracting me, pissing me off is the fact that the mother isn’t dead. She’s very much alive, and just not bothering. After not hearing from her in about half a year, one wonders whether they even think about their child.
Some would argue of course, but the actual fact is that even if she did, she’s still not showing it in the slightest bit. It’s been upsetting me. When we walk home, my daughter sometimes tries asking other ‘Ladies’ to hold her hand as well as mine, which is relatively new and it just hits me hard knowing that she won’t have a mother to hold her hand at all.
This has been distracting me.
I have to constantly remind myself of what I’m doing so I don’t let my mind drift into such ways of thinking again…
And, this… this is something no one can help me with. I know all the motions of trying to cheer someone up in the sense that they can say “Don’t worry, she’s not worth it” or, “Nevermind, your daughter has you and that’s all she needs”. I know this, and have heard them all… but it doesn’t stop you from thinking about it all, and especially for me…. someone who thinks a lot, it certainly doesn’t help.
Well, we all move on. We all strive continue, and today is just another day.