Is it me?

I’ve felt distant from the people I have been so close to over the last few months, or better yet, I’ve been distant with everyone.

I had a period of time in January where I had to visit the hospital a few times to check a possible hereditary problem. All clear, but I told no one. I didn’t mention it to anyone until after it was done and sorted, and I didn’t feel the need to either.

If anyone asked I just shrugged and said it was just an appointment. However, it could have been life threatening. After several calls over the following two weeks after that from family checking up on me I looked at myself in the mirror and saw someone who was close to no one.

Even the person at Uni I’ve talked to the most so far since returning from Christmas I’ve been distant with her, though that has something to do with the both of us being distant, not so much just myself. The drama in Uni over the last few months has been enough to put me off talking to anyone and furthermore it’s just made everything strenuous.

I know the person I was once close to can’t be bothered with me any longer. I say this, because whenever I talk to her, I get half a reply, a word or two, or even, simply, just ignored. It’s weird to think that you can go from being someone’s closest friend, and someone they wanted to keep in their life, to someone that is pretty much in the shadows.

I can’t blame her though, we all have our own things going on, our own battles to fight, and our own demons to face. Some just take longer than others.

One of mine is this incredible loneliness that strikes me from time to time. I tend to drown it out with high tempo music which raises my mood, for a  while. That being said, it’s difficult to pinpoint where it originates from, as I’ve felt it my whole life. I even tried going to the doctors once asking for help. I got turned away as I do enough on my own to get rid of any form of depressive qualities I have. I write, draw, meditate, and exercise.

After having a conversation where the conclusion deemed anti-depressants would make me worse off than actually being better off, I chose to not bother with them. I stand by my choice, and though I get ups and downs, and get moody from time to time, or lose motivation I always pull through and always have.

I can’t help having a complex, and feeling the need to help people, ha!

Anyway, the moodiness has its uses. It helps me understand things I normally wouldn’t. I understand emotion better, and take it in more as usually I’m a fool who’s feelings don’t actually effect them until days after the said event or when it typically ‘should’ effect. That’s all fine though, right?

And after spilling coffee onto my keyboard over the weekend, and destroying it (£168 mechanical keyboard) I could have cried. Though it has just turned on and is working, wicked. Anyway, I may be a pain in the ass, and I offer credit to those who manage to put up with me, but I feel like I’m disconnected from everyone, not in a simple communicational way… physically, I’ve not had a single deep conversation or, deeper than the typical ‘how are you’ conversations for months now, and then to further that, I’ve lost all the people I felt connected to in a deeper way, whether it be spiritual or some other unknown function of the brain.

I would state however, that I currently haven’t a clue how my brain is working, or making conclusions. I’m running on coffee fumes, but I’m pulling it off. I just hope someone will grab the rope I keep throwing out and help, rather than pretending not to see it. Have a nice day folks,

 

I’m out!

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