Standing in the mud

Apologies for not posting for a good while… I’ve been so busy over the last couple of weeks, and I’ve been rather demoralized.


So… I’ve moved home, closer to the University now. I’ve got out of the place that was prehistoric and moved to a place slightly more entertaining…

Anyway, things haven’t quite gone to plan.

Between broken door/window handles, swelling doors and penetrating damp the move has been exhausting.

I’ve been lost to sense of direction for the last two weeks. It’s been a rather interesting period of time actually.

I’ve learnt that it doesn’t matter how close you move to your friends, or other people, you still feel alone. And more so as of late. Aside from the empowering feeling I’ve had lately of feeling like I’m looking for someone I’ve been pretty empty-headed, and frankly, a little lost.

Weirdly enough, I’ve had a large amount of de ja vu. Not only that, but a gleaming amount of a shuddering feeling in this house. I’m not particularly enjoying the feeling I get when I’m there. But I’m sure it won’t be too long before making it into my home.

Matters other than my house, I’ve been pretty hard hit by losing my closest friend. I’m pretending I’m okay about it, and that everything alright… but it’s not true. With feelings I’ve always been a bit… lacking in the sense that it takes a few days to process emotion, or weeks for that matter and that is exactly what’s happening. I’m not sure I’m even consciously aware of it but it is affecting me but I’m sure it’s something like that.

Other than that, I’m trying to free myself of an ex partner I had last year back in April, and it seems no matter of goodbyes I make or how many times I ignore the girl she just won’t leave me alone… and I don’t know what to do anymore. Ha.

I’ve been a little less focused on work and been rather worried with things after my daughter asked me where her mother is, last week. It’s been a bit of a struggle coming to terms with the idea that she’s not going to bother, or be around for a very long time, and I didn’t give much thought to whether my daughter would catch on or not, at least not yet. But when she sees other children’s mothers picking them up she always asks the question.

Well – I’ve also been thinking about my writer’s toolkit, and though the lessons we’ve been having has given us outlines of how a story is written, it seems difficult to apply the techniques as I’ve been working on the same techniques in my own novel writing for a good while now. It has been a re-run of things I already know so far.

I would however, like to add that it has helped me visual my own characters more by giving them more of a reason to fight for themselves, and carry themselves for their own independent goals.

I also noted down the way stories can be written outside of the chronological order, and how playful you can be when writing the text which I will be working into my novel writing.

I have also concluded that music helps my mood so much, and after not listening to much music at all in the last few weeks, it’s surprising how dull I feel, like a blunt knife not having anything interesting to listen to.

Anyway, I feel a little stuck at the moment, and I haven’t got anyone to talk to, so I’ve decided to write it all down and move on with things. I thought I met someone who I really got along with, but after spending the 2nd day together, and it mostly consisting of being insulted and slapped, it gave me an idea of what the relationship would be like. It’s not something I could put myself through again.

The thing I’ve been doing is playing games to escape reality for as much as I can, I shouldn’t be but I’m not particularly enjoying much right now. I’m fine, and I’m clear-headed when it comes to being a parent, and looking after her but it’s the rest I’ve felt isolated with.

I feel like people are worrying though, but no one is actually talking to me which is a little confusing… I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for someone to talk to me, and ask me how I feel, rather than feel it’s easier to ignore me when I’m a little distant or emotional. Ha.

Needn’t worry too much though, I’m headstrong enough to get back on my feet when I hit the ground.

Well, back to class. Have a nice day readers.



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